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AIBU?

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AIBU to want half of the pension after divorce?

1000 replies

DivorcingDebbie25 · 20/09/2026 21:46

Trying to avoid drip feed. Am sixty. Married 40 years. Kids are 40/38. I’ve never really worked. Husband had corporate career. I have been waiting for him to retire for years but it’s become clear that will never happen. He is rarely at home, constantly doing adventure stuff or pursuing his hobby. I’ve given up waiting and I want a divorce. He’s not fought me on it and clearly we are just done. I’ve moved out into rented and he’s paying my rent and expenses- clearing credit card etc.

We are reasonably civil but he says asking for half is ridiculous. He says that the only real assets are his massive pension fund, my smaller one and our house which we will sell. I think he should give me half the value of the pension fund but he says that’s not possible. He says half the house and then we combine the value of the pensions and I get the equivalent of half the income from it. Surely I can just ask for the value and then do what I want with it? It feels very controlling.

I will of course get a lawyer but wanted to check if I’m being unreasonable in asking for my half? What about future income / inheritance etc? Once I’m divorced do I lose all claim on that even though I’ve supported him to earn this money and to see the return on investments that won’t come through for a few years?

OP posts:
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3luckystars · 21/09/2026 09:35

walrushurricane · 21/09/2026 09:30

Well she brought up two children and probably did all the housework, cooking and mental load stuff. Regardless OP isn't asking for people's opinions on her lifestyle.

Everyone I know is doing all of that AND working. wtf

I accept when children are under 18 there is a definite ‘job’ that could fill all the hours of the day and also some more, but all the women I know kept working through this time to keep their jobs despite barely breaking even. Every single one of them.

It seems to me that everyone is working hard and she is the only one doing absolutely nothing. If that’s the case then of course there is going to be a reaction.

ThreadGuardDog · 21/09/2026 09:36

Dragonscaledaisy · 21/09/2026 09:34

I think most women would feel pity for the OP, certainly no jealousy. She's likely looking at a very bleak future.

Bleak ? With half the proceeds of a £800,000 house and a pension ?

Theeyeballsinthesky · 21/09/2026 09:37

AnneLovesDiana · 21/09/2026 09:24

Do you really think it's that easy to get a job at 60 in the current climate?

Indeed! The number of ppl parroting "just get a job" have clearly not seen the unemployment rate in the over 50s. Ppl with years of experience are struggling. What job exactly do they think a 60 year old with next to no experience is going yo get??

OP is where she is and sounding off at her about her choices don't change the situation. Her husband is behaving reasonably and 50 50 is the starting point. She needs a solicitor.

DaphneduM · 21/09/2026 09:37

Sorry you've had a hard time on this thread - but what's done is done. You have to be hardheaded and look to your future on your own now. You don't mention your grown-up children - I have a daughter the same age as one of yours and she and I mutually support each other - hope you have the same?

Step number 1, take action and get yourself a good divorce lawyer. Then you will be absolutely clear about your financial entitlement. It's no good second-guessing, armed with the facts you can make a clearer assessment of financing your future life.

When I was going through my divorce, my also divorced brother said to me 'there are no winners' and that's so true, it's challenging, emotionally draining BUT there's always hope for a better future after leaving marriage, and I hope you find it. Your one advantage here is that there are no young children - trust me, that involves you in another whole world of pain and guilt. You can be proud of the fact that you have given your children a stable upbringing - try and hold onto that.

My divorce happened at 40, I'm 74 now and apart from a few years have always worked, sometimes full time and sometimes part time. I did remarry very happily and while we're mutually supportive of each other, we maintain separate finances and jointly contribute to all bills and expenses. I would never put myself in a vulnerable position again, and he understands that.

So while 60 is a challenging age to do what you're doing, you absolutely can do it. Apart from a good lawyer, there's the CAB for advice and when it's all done, you might want to consider a bit of counselling to talk through your feelings and emotions. Take time to process everything (I spent hours on my own thinking through what had happened, being honest about my part in it and making my plans for the future). I suggest you do the same.

I suspect you will be very well provided for - most likely 50% of all assets. You will get HRP NI credits for those years you were bringing up your children, and hopefully your husband paid National Insurance for you, so you will have a state pension. People dismiss the state pension as low, but when you own a property outright it's very useful income. Do go onto the HMRC website and get a pension forecast. You maybe should aim to stay in the marital home until it's sold and then you'll be in a position to concurrently buy your own place. Make sure you choose a property that is easily maintained on one income, maybe a little garden that would give you a hobby?

You say you're lonely - it will take time to reconstruct the type of life you're seeking, but there's so much out there, U3A might be something you're interested in? I used to volunteer at the local Credit Union where there were some lovely people, my husband volunteers at the local cathedral - if you do something a couple of times a week, then you already have an inbuilt structure. Charity shops are also often looking for volunteers.

Try and take it one step at a time, it will be hard as you have always relied on your husband, but think positive - you have brought up two children and run a home, so you have many skills - now is the chance to expand your life and horizons.

Dweetfidilove · 21/09/2026 09:38

Dragonscaledaisy · 21/09/2026 09:34

I think most women would feel pity for the OP, certainly no jealousy. She's likely looking at a very bleak future.

I don't feel pity for the OP, as thankfully the man she's divorcing sounds far more generous than the posters on this thread. Maybe, he recognises that the he was happy with the financial set up in his marriage and agrees the OP deserves a fair settlement based on her contributions.

Yes, the OP sounds unsure of how pension splits work; but so many people come to MN because they have no idea what they should be advocating for. Mumsnetters are usually great at providing clarity and decent advice.

3luckystars · 21/09/2026 09:41

ThreadGuardDog · 21/09/2026 09:33

Another one who doesn’t think there’s any value in raising children full time and supporting their spouses’ career by taking care of the home and everything connected to it. How is that ‘lazy’ ? Her DH had a corporate career. I doubt whether OP was able to sit on her arse all day as you seem to have assumed.

I do think there is value in raising CHILDREN but when the children are 38 and you still haven’t worked a day except to ‘support your spouses career’ then what are you actually doing?

we all do that. we all support our spouses career. That’s not a job.

SunnyQD · 21/09/2026 09:41

ThreadGuardDog · 21/09/2026 09:35

It really depends on what the agreement was between them doesn’t it ? OP says her DH was happy for her to stay at home, so if the agreement is there, and a mutual one, the sex of the main earner is irrelevant.

You might think that the sex is irrelevant, and I agree with you but a lot of the people on here, the time warp posters, clearly do not.
I would add that the OP says that the DH was happy for her to stay at home but it would be interesting to hear his perspective. There are some couples with both male and female SAHPs where the working partner agrees for the SAHP to stay at home until the DC are a certain age, the non working partner agrees and then the date keeps getting pushed back and back, despite the working partner's objections. I don't know if that is the case here but we only have one side of this situation.

walrushurricane · 21/09/2026 09:41

3luckystars · 21/09/2026 09:35

Everyone I know is doing all of that AND working. wtf

I accept when children are under 18 there is a definite ‘job’ that could fill all the hours of the day and also some more, but all the women I know kept working through this time to keep their jobs despite barely breaking even. Every single one of them.

It seems to me that everyone is working hard and she is the only one doing absolutely nothing. If that’s the case then of course there is going to be a reaction.

So everyone you know works full time and does all the childcare too? Do they take their children into work? Regardless while I appreciate OP has probably had quite an easy life since her children grew up it is fairly irrelevant now.

Dragonscaledaisy · 21/09/2026 09:42

ThreadGuardDog · 21/09/2026 09:36

Bleak ? With half the proceeds of a £800,000 house and a pension ?

Yes. Quite honestly, I wouldn't want to be facing the rest of my life at 60 with that.

bananaobama · 21/09/2026 09:42

Why didnt you ever work?

what did you think would happen when you hit 60?

Somethinggg · 21/09/2026 09:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Why can't what I wrote be true? Please explain specifically, and without reference to how this makes you feel as that has nothing to do with OPs employability.

TallulahBetty · 21/09/2026 09:43

Oh OP. Why haven't you worked for FORTY years? The kids are adults! You will certainly need to get a job now at least until your SRP - assuming you have enough NI credits for a decent SRP? Yes your 'stamp' will have been paid for 18 years but not after that.

Everyone else - let this be an example of how not to live your life!

TallulahBetty · 21/09/2026 09:44

bananaobama · 21/09/2026 09:42

Why didnt you ever work?

what did you think would happen when you hit 60?

Quite. OP is looking at a very small SRP. Foolish.

Somethinggg · 21/09/2026 09:45

bananaobama · 21/09/2026 09:42

Why didnt you ever work?

what did you think would happen when you hit 60?

TBF, since OPs the one initiating the divorce, if she thought this could carry on into her 60s she may well have been right.

Bargarran · 21/09/2026 09:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Anonfortoday2 · 21/09/2026 09:47

A lot honestly don’t seem to understand that some husbands have careers which make it impossible for the wife to work . She mentioned a lot of work trips some work strange shifts on call for example. Thats why it’s a joint decision to be a SAHM . I think it’s mainly jealousy if I’m honest .She’s never worked and once the £800,000 house is sold and pension sorted . She will be better of then some that have worked their whole life .

TallulahBetty · 21/09/2026 09:48

Anonfortoday2 · 21/09/2026 09:47

A lot honestly don’t seem to understand that some husbands have careers which make it impossible for the wife to work . She mentioned a lot of work trips some work strange shifts on call for example. Thats why it’s a joint decision to be a SAHM . I think it’s mainly jealousy if I’m honest .She’s never worked and once the £800,000 house is sold and pension sorted . She will be better of then some that have worked their whole life .

Impossible even after the kids are adults? Behave.

Somethinggg · 21/09/2026 09:48

Useful points re the state pension. Since the couple paid into a private pension for OP, I wonder if this is one of those setups where they were savvy enough to have her on the books and use up her personal allowance?

It would be worth checking your contributions record if you haven't already OP.

Passaggressfedup · 21/09/2026 09:49

50/50 is that even a marriage or flat mates ? will he also carry the child 50 percent of the time very strange
What are you on about? If course 50/50 is a marriage. It is exactly what a marriage should be, you share everything!

What does carrying the child gas got to do with it? It's your post that is very strange!

Anonfortoday2 · 21/09/2026 09:49

TallulahBetty · 21/09/2026 09:48

Impossible even after the kids are adults? Behave.

Why ? By the times the kids are grown, why should she work she don’t need to . Her husband clearly didn’t have an issue .but a stranger over the internet does 😂

Wheresthebeach · 21/09/2026 09:50

Everyone suggesting that you get a job at 60 is living in some sort of dream world. Unemployment is a massive issue post 50.
Ignore all the nasty judgement posts as well.
Get proper legal advice and look after yourself. Don’t let anyone guilt you into taking less than your legally entitled to.

happydappy2 · 21/09/2026 09:50

I cannot believe anyone voted YABU. When you get divorced, you are entitled to 50% of his pension.
Likewise if a woman works and has a house husband, if they divorce, he will be entitled to 50% of her pension

Blairwitch82 · 21/09/2026 09:51

KindlySurfiingPlatypus · 20/09/2026 22:58

Yanbu

Marriage means you are a team, there's no his and yours, its all shared. As a team you both decided that he would focus on bringing in the money and you would focus on the home. Your work in the home facilitated his work outside the home.

Now you are splitting up, the "for richer for poorer" bit still holds - you are either both rich or both poor. You both are fully entitled to start your new single lives with a straight 50% of all assets. 50% of the house, 50% of all pensions, 50% of other assets

Great advice all women should know this.

Anonfortoday2 · 21/09/2026 09:52

Passaggressfedup · 21/09/2026 09:49

50/50 is that even a marriage or flat mates ? will he also carry the child 50 percent of the time very strange
What are you on about? If course 50/50 is a marriage. It is exactly what a marriage should be, you share everything!

What does carrying the child gas got to do with it? It's your post that is very strange!

No a marriage isn’t about pulling out a calculator it’s about being a team . So when she’s on maternity leave is she still expected to pay half the bills .

Passaggressfedup · 21/09/2026 09:53

A lot honestly don’t seem to understand that some husbands have careers which make it impossible for the wife to work
I don't but this at all. I have two loads of friends with well paid careers, 3 and 4 kids respectively. Regular work trips. They had nannies!

I was a single mum of two with a career and no family near by and a useless ex who only had them for a few hours at the weekend, and like many single mum, I managed too.

Funny how both those mum who sacrificed their career for their husband had no career to start with! Or when they did, couldn't wait to get out of it!

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