AIBU to want half of the pension after divorce?

OP, what are you actually trying to achieve here?
You want to live your life, but you don't want to travel, and you want to stay in the same area. What are you going to do? what is 'living' to you?

He has explained the monthly budget you are likely to have once you are divorced, you are testing that now - is it working - can you live like that for the rest of your years? In reality, how do you plan to cope when nobody is managing finances for you?

ExH sounds very fair, understanding and is supporting and helping you at the moment, he clearly respects you and is no doubt disappointed that you have no desire to embrace the world with him having provided for you for most of your life so far.

I'm not saying stay in an unhappy marriage, I'm just not sure you grasp how much your life is about to change. Having a companion you trust, and the financial security, why not travel, or try some new things and re-ignite your relationship together.

Half assets seems about right, but list out all your combined assets with estimates for values of property, cars, etc and incomes and see a solicitor ASAP for proper consideration.

You expect another human being who has always worked full time to give you money??? Youve never paid tax or national insurance yet will expect me who pays tax and national insurance to pay you benefits and a pension yes thats greedy, go get a job and support yourself

OP, yanbu.
You need good legal advice, affairs are irrelevant.
Could he hide money as he is self employed?
A forensic accountant is a good idea to make sure he has been honest.
Will he continue to earn substantially once the divorce goes through?
Women like you can be left in poverty if not very careful so make sure you have a good divorce specialist supporting you.
Good luck.

You have no idea how much he would have achieved in his career without 'a supportive wife'. Hard working, driven people achieve things without housewives/husbands. There are plenty of couples who both have demanding careers. Of course, they have to work harder but it is perfectly possible.
What is absolutely clear is that she could not have achieved her lifestyle without his good income and generosity.

I think a lot of people are probably not being what you call supportive because the whole OP is about how much she can get from him, even asking about his future earnings and his inheritance. She seems greedy and entitled. What makes you think that he is a selfish man who does not appreciate his wife? It sounds as if she is bored because she has no purpose or drive or interests and wants him to stay at home and entertain her. That's very off putting for most people. It feels controlling and restrictive.

I'm 55 and no it wasn't. A few years as a SAHM or part time work whilst the children were little is what was typical. Never working after marriage may have been more common for women of my mother's generation (80+ ) but even then it was dying out.

Honestly I hate that term, Homemaker. It suggests that everyone else doesn’t have a home. It’s up there with, I’m a full time mum.

That said, I don’t think it matters what she has done with her time. Nor does it matter that she is going for 50% which she is legally entitled to do. It also sounds like her husband is offering that. And paying for her new life whilst it’s sorted.

Decent people have a problem with the fact she is trying to get his future earnings when she doesn’t work. That’s like I’m bored of you but keep paying for me whilst I sit home forever. Then she wants to take inheritance from him that he hasn’t even got. Then she’s trying to work out if she says he had an affair will she get more money without him actually having having an affair.

She’s just grubby. And honestly I’m shocked by the comments suggested she anything but. Little Miss ‘Homemaker’ she ain’t!

What exactly is hogwash? I was not giving advice. She is claiming she cannot get a one bed flat in London on a £300k deposit and her pension income, I was asking how so. You are saying she is likely to get more, maybe even the value if the whole of the house, so again, how is she unable to get a 1 bed flat in London with all that money?

Not just any human being, her husband of many years. She doesn't have to pay tax or NI to be entitled too it as they have had a long marriage. Some of us choose to stay single, pay our own mortgages, pay in to pensions etc... because we know how the law works.

Mmm I think even OP herself has said it was normal within their circles rather than per se. I don't know where the 50s and 60s thing has come from, a women who's 55 now was born in the 70s and quite possibly didn't finish education til nearly the 90s.

It sounds to me like OP caught the tail end of a time when mothers of young children really did work in lower numbers than now, and as she was only 20ish when she had her first child she was a bit younger than the average for that group anyway. Then as OP, DH and the kids got older, and employment figures for mothers rose, neither spouse saw much point or benefit from her working in what would almost certainly have been a low paid job.

Anecdotally I know a few women who are pushing 70 who had kids early and didn't work for a long period, but the families being on more modest incomes they returned to the workforce once the kids were older. The difference here is them being 25 rather than 20 when they started families in the 80s, so they're a bit older than OP, and the income was useful enough to outweigh any practical downsides to the wife working once the kids were secondary age. Plus not moving in circles where a woman working in a supermarket or similar would be seen as low status, which I guess must make a difference too.

My ex sister-in-law absolutely rinsed my bil, she never worked in the 15 years they were together, never paid a bill or contributed to anything. She had a reasonable inheritance from her parents, the judge determined that she was entitled to £75k from bil, she said she was “worth” £100k! She refused to leave the house that was his before they met, said she was entitled to half of everything. In the end he was so ground down after 2 years of awful behaviour from her (and him still paying for everything in the house) he caved in and cashed in his pension in order to get rid of her.
If she had been the home maker, raising kids etc then fair play, he should pay up. But £100k for sitting on her backside for 15 years? Nah, that’s unreasonable.

I was at uni in the late 80s when the OP children were born and women who left school at 16 or 18 and had kids did stay at home. Mostly however they got little jobs when the kids were at school or when they left home.
But I didn't, and hence I know a lot of women who worked from leaving school or university and had their kids later (mine were born when I was in my 40s).
I find that you tend to take on the working culture of those you work with rather than those who are the same age. Some of the lower level admin women where I work who are nearing retirement did only go back when their kids left home and some of them are now very part time due to caring for DGCs.

It will be very difficult but it also depends on the op’s attitude and what she’s actually been doing. If she’s done a lot of volunteering and been on committees etc then that is going to help a lot compared to if she hasn’t. Also what sort of job is she wanting.

Many many ‘hard working men’ (and women) could simply not do the jobs they do without someone at home making sure everything else works. Of course you can pay for this kind of support (24 hour nanny support, housekeeper, property maintenance manager, gardener etc) - but he didn’t, OP did it for him. That means she missed out on gaining work skills and experience, severely impacting her ability to earn a living now. That was a decision they both made, of course everything should be split 50/50. When it comes to the pensions, pension splitting is the way this is normally achieved

And you have no idea how well he would have done if she hadn't done all the childcare so he could concentrate on his career. I always worked but nowhere near as easy to climb the career ladder when you are competing with people (usually men) who don't have to do school/nursery drop offs/pick ups and take time of when children are sick or on school holidays.

He wont keep you he will meet someone else and his new lady will not be happy with that,

@DivorcingDebbie25 I think you need to take a bit of time, and remember why you wanted to divorce. You are both going to be less wealthy when this has all gone through.

You need a family lawyer, presume you have some access to funds.

You H doesn’t sound unreasonable, paying rent for you and agreeing to separate on your request. He sounds like he is fine to go along with things that I assume he thinks you want.

But you can’t have it all.
Once divorced his future earnings will be his and any inheritance which might come his way will also be his (inheritance can be expected but until it happens isn’t guaranteed).

Have you looked at your own state pension? How many years credits you have (you will have some from child benefit) but you need to look at that and also look at what benefits you might be able to claim, they will give you credits towards state pension but job seekers for example will expect to see evidence of you looking for work.

If he had a pension pot of “millions” you will get some, £1 million pension pot can give you £30-40k income for about 30 years - that takes you to 90.

Which will mean a lower lifestyle I expect for you but you won’t starve, you need to look at what income you will have in relation to what property you could afford to run. But this all isn’t bad for someone who has never earned.

You will need this income for the future so asking for the cash value seems dumb, plus legally you can’t just withdraw money from pension funds, you can take some out, but that reduces future payments and you will need income (especially if you have little state pension) you need to leave as much as you can in the fund.

So you need to take some time and take this one step at a time.

Hopefully you both can divorce amicably and you can move forward remaining parents/grandparents to your family.

There are many strands with divorce, it sounds like there are enough assets for you to be ok. But the emotional and family dynamics are all things to considered and it would help if you were gracious during the separation process. And remember this was your choice.

Are you going to have a fabulous house, in a nice area of London, with endless funds to travel and dine out? Unlikely (depends on the pension pot and what millions means).

But you could easily have a smaller home and secure average income. No one in real life gets richer in divorce.

So you’ve had your life-off and now expect half of someone’s hard earned cash.

I was replying to the pp's statement that he categorically could not have done it without her staying at home. Of course he may have done it without a housewife because lots of people do. Of course it also much easier with a housewife/husband but I literally said that in my comment so I'm not sure what you are disagreeing with.

bear in mind this 30-40k income is likely without the need to pay mortgage/rent. You only need to look after yourself on it as children grown up. So on that basis should be able to live quite decently on it.

See a lawyer and get everything you are ENTITLED to . You are not being greedy in the slightest. Mumnet is not the best place to ask for advice when it comes to being a SAHM . Seems to be one of many instances were women don’t support women . And I never understand why they always make out poor man. Like it’s not a joint decision . But some seem to base their whole life and personality around work . So they cant imagine any other way .

Have you quoted the wrong post? I didn’t mention anything about the OP’s ability to obtain employment, or whether she should have to.

If you split the pension income find out what happens if he dies before you, does the income disappear?

My friend's mum has this issue and the the ex-husband doesn't look after himself and is on the path to a heart attack.

Put simply.
You are entitled to half all marital assets, including half the total pension pots.
Your share of his can be transferred into a pension pot in your name.
You will be able to withdraw 25% of that tax free now if you need money to buy a house, but the rest should be left in the pension pot because a) you will have to pay tax on it all if you withdraw it all now; and b) you need something to live off in old age.
Your lack of financial awareness is a bit staggering.
I suggest you get a job to keep you until your state pension kicks in (if sufficient arrangements were made for you to get one at all). He will not be required to keep you on a day to day basis from now on.
Being 60 is no excuse - you are on your own now and have to look after yourself. I am 67 and will work until 69, so get used to it.