Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to want half of the pension after divorce?

1000 replies

DivorcingDebbie25 · 20/09/2026 21:46

Trying to avoid drip feed. Am sixty. Married 40 years. Kids are 40/38. I’ve never really worked. Husband had corporate career. I have been waiting for him to retire for years but it’s become clear that will never happen. He is rarely at home, constantly doing adventure stuff or pursuing his hobby. I’ve given up waiting and I want a divorce. He’s not fought me on it and clearly we are just done. I’ve moved out into rented and he’s paying my rent and expenses- clearing credit card etc.

We are reasonably civil but he says asking for half is ridiculous. He says that the only real assets are his massive pension fund, my smaller one and our house which we will sell. I think he should give me half the value of the pension fund but he says that’s not possible. He says half the house and then we combine the value of the pensions and I get the equivalent of half the income from it. Surely I can just ask for the value and then do what I want with it? It feels very controlling.

I will of course get a lawyer but wanted to check if I’m being unreasonable in asking for my half? What about future income / inheritance etc? Once I’m divorced do I lose all claim on that even though I’ve supported him to earn this money and to see the return on investments that won’t come through for a few years?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
TriciaA1991 · 21/09/2026 22:43

I think people here are being really mean. The children being the age they are mean OP is 60s and so is husband. Quite a lot of this age group working in director roles expected wives not only to stay at home, but also to undertake various roles, and it wasn't to "potter" or to lunch.
A lot of women ended up giving up work or staying at home because of the complete lack of input from the man; they would have been effectively a working single parent and this was NOT what their husbands "required". It wasn't the easy option most people are imaging.

CoffeeandCakeBreak · 21/09/2026 22:40

Elmer83 · 21/09/2026 21:51

Do you have children? Are you in a long term co-habitation with a partner or the father of your children?

I have adults now.

I don’t cohabit, nor would I ever want to.

Thinkofnewthings · 21/09/2026 22:38

Elmer83 · 21/09/2026 22:27

This is my point! Everyone judging her no one knowing there true personal reasons. Like what does it matter! It’s a marriage and a very long one at that. She’s entitled to half - because she brought something to that marriage…children, support, attending school plays and meetings, doctors appointments, dinners, cleaning, sorting out birthdays/holdiays/christmas. Yes all working parents can do all of this. But this was THEIR set up and now the marriage is sadly over…doesn’t mean she gets left high and dry. Boils my blood some seem to think it should.
Again just to add…I’ve worked since the day I was 18. Yet I still have the understanding and respect of any wife that hasn’t due to not having to financially.

But it doesn’t matter if she brought nothing to the marriage at all, if she didn’t attend a single school play and didn’t clean or cook or sort out Christmas presents. She could have spent her days on a chaise longue eating grapes. It doesn’t matter.

ILoveListeningToRainAtNight · 21/09/2026 22:33

I'm glad you are getting legal advice OP. You are due your share. Not every contribution to a marriage is able to be measured in finances.

OnTheBoardwalk · 21/09/2026 22:29

DivorcingDebbie25 · 20/09/2026 22:26

I have a private pension because he paid into it, to give me my own income in retirement. His is far bigger though, several million I think.

This will be taken into consideration and will be in the split

Elmer83 · 21/09/2026 22:27

Thinkofnewthings · 21/09/2026 22:18

But how is it relevant that she could have worked? It doesn’t matter. For legal and financial purposes, a married couple are one entity and how they organise their finances is up to them to decide.

This is my point! Everyone judging her no one knowing there true personal reasons. Like what does it matter! It’s a marriage and a very long one at that. She’s entitled to half - because she brought something to that marriage…children, support, attending school plays and meetings, doctors appointments, dinners, cleaning, sorting out birthdays/holdiays/christmas. Yes all working parents can do all of this. But this was THEIR set up and now the marriage is sadly over…doesn’t mean she gets left high and dry. Boils my blood some seem to think it should.
Again just to add…I’ve worked since the day I was 18. Yet I still have the understanding and respect of any wife that hasn’t due to not having to financially.

walrushurricane · 21/09/2026 22:20

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/09/2026 22:18

Well no, but I have been on MN long enough to know that the vast majority of them will be women.

I have been on it for a long time too and am definitely seeing a change in demographics

Elmer83 · 21/09/2026 22:18

walrushurricane · 21/09/2026 22:12

You said that this thread has taught you that women are judgmental but the judgemental posters could easily be men. You don't know the gender of posters.

Ok - so humans are judgemental of SAHM . Is that better?

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/09/2026 22:18

walrushurricane · 21/09/2026 22:12

You said that this thread has taught you that women are judgmental but the judgemental posters could easily be men. You don't know the gender of posters.

Well no, but I have been on MN long enough to know that the vast majority of them will be women.

Thinkofnewthings · 21/09/2026 22:18

SunnyQD · 21/09/2026 22:14

We are going round and round in circles. The OP's children were grown when she was in her late 30s! It's just not true to say that she could not have had a career. I'm not sure what you mean by affecting the children. Are you implying that all DC need a SAHP, otherwise they can't thrive?

But how is it relevant that she could have worked? It doesn’t matter. For legal and financial purposes, a married couple are one entity and how they organise their finances is up to them to decide.

Elmer83 · 21/09/2026 22:17

SunnyQD · 21/09/2026 22:09

Why do you find it insulting? I was talking about the OP, not you. Presumably, you made your own choices after lots of thought and discussion with your own DH. I'm getting the impression that your DC might have medical problems or SEN from the way you phrased your post, which would make things more challenging.
I was responding to a pp's post that she arguably sacrificed her chance to have a career. The OP didn't do that at all. If she had wanted a career, she could have easily had one as she had only two DC and at a very young age. I didn't say there was anything wrong with being a SAHP or having a poorly paid job at all. I just think it's disingenuous to pretend that an unambitious, passive sort of person sacrificed a fabulous career when she clearly didn't!

Absolutely. A choice OP made alongside her husband. Some marriages come to that agreement together and her husband (as OP stated) was more than happy to provide a lifestyle where she was home and he worked. He would have benefited from this arrangement overtime in many ways if he actively encouraged this. So now OPs situation is she’s left without her plan of a lasting marriage: it’s now time she gets her pay. And this is coming from a woman who has actually always worked since the day I met my husband and had children.

walrushurricane · 21/09/2026 22:16

SunnyQD · 21/09/2026 22:14

We are going round and round in circles. The OP's children were grown when she was in her late 30s! It's just not true to say that she could not have had a career. I'm not sure what you mean by affecting the children. Are you implying that all DC need a SAHP, otherwise they can't thrive?

They don't need a SAHP but I do think it better if one works part time. Two parents working long hours is not ideal.

SunnyQD · 21/09/2026 22:14

walrushurricane · 21/09/2026 21:05

I haven't pretended she did want a high flying career but if she did it wouldn't be easy to have one if her husband was working long hours and away a lot. Maybe not impossible but impossible to do it without affecting the children imo.

We are going round and round in circles. The OP's children were grown when she was in her late 30s! It's just not true to say that she could not have had a career. I'm not sure what you mean by affecting the children. Are you implying that all DC need a SAHP, otherwise they can't thrive?

walrushurricane · 21/09/2026 22:12

Elmer83 · 21/09/2026 22:09

Although not entirely sure why it matters? Either way my opinion remains the same….woman can’t win even in 2026. Judged by every gender!

You said that this thread has taught you that women are judgmental but the judgemental posters could easily be men. You don't know the gender of posters.

SunnyQD · 21/09/2026 22:09

Elmer83 · 21/09/2026 20:57

I find this really insulting. My husband has a very high flying career. Travels the world and attends all sorts of marvellous award ceremonies and events. I would absolutely love the same. Unfortunately it’s not possible due to certain situations with a child (now a teen). I still work but have to have a low paying job wfh so I can be here 24/7 for our child. I sacrifice a lot to ensure i’m
here for my 24/7 child and my husband gets to work out the house. It’s not because I’m not ambitious it’s because I love and trust I’m not going to be abandoned by my husband but I know it’s also incredibly possible he could do that to me in a blink of an eye. So please never assume a woman staying at home is lazy or meak. It’s actually many times an extremely selfless and vulnerable thing to do.

Why do you find it insulting? I was talking about the OP, not you. Presumably, you made your own choices after lots of thought and discussion with your own DH. I'm getting the impression that your DC might have medical problems or SEN from the way you phrased your post, which would make things more challenging.
I was responding to a pp's post that she arguably sacrificed her chance to have a career. The OP didn't do that at all. If she had wanted a career, she could have easily had one as she had only two DC and at a very young age. I didn't say there was anything wrong with being a SAHP or having a poorly paid job at all. I just think it's disingenuous to pretend that an unambitious, passive sort of person sacrificed a fabulous career when she clearly didn't!

Elmer83 · 21/09/2026 22:09

walrushurricane · 21/09/2026 22:04

The stats I looked at said 28% of users are men. I bet it is a lot higher on certain threads.

Although not entirely sure why it matters? Either way my opinion remains the same….woman can’t win even in 2026. Judged by every gender!

Elmer83 · 21/09/2026 22:07

walrushurricane · 21/09/2026 22:04

The stats I looked at said 28% of users are men. I bet it is a lot higher on certain threads.

29%? Maybe on certain threads - 11% is the 2025 official mumsnet stats

walrushurricane · 21/09/2026 22:04

Elmer83 · 21/09/2026 21:58

I don’t? But the majority are if you look at the mumsnet stats. So my apologies to all the men in this thread

The stats I looked at said 28% of users are men. I bet it is a lot higher on certain threads.

Elmer83 · 21/09/2026 21:58

walrushurricane · 21/09/2026 21:56

Why assume all posters are women?

I don’t? But the majority are if you look at the mumsnet stats. So my apologies to all the men in this thread

walrushurricane · 21/09/2026 21:56

Elmer83 · 21/09/2026 21:45

One thing I’ve taken from this post is woman are so judgemental. Haven’t got a career = lazy. Stay at home all day raising children = lazy and no ambition. Have a wealthy husband = lazy and money grabbing. Have a career and pay for your pre school children to be put in childcare = ambitious but not fully present. Attend all the work events you want whilst someone else is home with your kids putting them to bed = hardworking and driven but missing out on precious bonding.
So to sum it up…you can’t have it all as a woman.
So as woman let’s start supporting each other. No matter what side you’re on. We all make our own sacrifices. Some sacrifices just don’t come with a pay packet each month.

Why assume all posters are women?

Elmer83 · 21/09/2026 21:51

CoffeeandCakeBreak · 21/09/2026 21:41

I don't consider gender when deciding who to support. I don't care what gender each person is. My opinion would be the same if it was a highly paid women, who had a husband who decided he wanted to divorce her, but wants to claim half her pension and assets, when he had never worked himself or contributed financially to those assets.

This is why I have never been married, not would I ever get married. Far too risky for someone to just snatch away half of everything you have ever worked for.

Do you have children? Are you in a long term co-habitation with a partner or the father of your children?

Elmer83 · 21/09/2026 21:49

CoffeeandCakeBreak · 21/09/2026 21:41

I don't consider gender when deciding who to support. I don't care what gender each person is. My opinion would be the same if it was a highly paid women, who had a husband who decided he wanted to divorce her, but wants to claim half her pension and assets, when he had never worked himself or contributed financially to those assets.

This is why I have never been married, not would I ever get married. Far too risky for someone to just snatch away half of everything you have ever worked for.

Ah ok. So you’ve never married. If I was the high earner and my husband sacrificed his career or options to raise a family and continue supporting my choices once the children flew the nest then yes…I would 100% be on board of sharing my assets that we actually built together throughout our marriage. Because I would know he also brought so much to the table being a stay at home husband.

Elmer83 · 21/09/2026 21:45

One thing I’ve taken from this post is woman are so judgemental. Haven’t got a career = lazy. Stay at home all day raising children = lazy and no ambition. Have a wealthy husband = lazy and money grabbing. Have a career and pay for your pre school children to be put in childcare = ambitious but not fully present. Attend all the work events you want whilst someone else is home with your kids putting them to bed = hardworking and driven but missing out on precious bonding.
So to sum it up…you can’t have it all as a woman.
So as woman let’s start supporting each other. No matter what side you’re on. We all make our own sacrifices. Some sacrifices just don’t come with a pay packet each month.

CoffeeandCakeBreak · 21/09/2026 21:41

Elmer83 · 21/09/2026 21:26

Jesus…”grabby” is not a word when a marital relationship sets up this scenario. She already stated he could finance her and enjoyed having her “at home”. Yes in hindsight not the wisest decision on her behalf but here she is…60 with no real job experience and trying to work out what happens next. I really thought in this day age of “woman supporting woman”
it didn’t just mean”woman supporting “successful” woman”
I am absolutely gobsmacked by the lashing OP has got. To all you successful career driven woman I hope you know that those woman that are not like you aren’t automatically worthless or “grabby”

I don't consider gender when deciding who to support. I don't care what gender each person is. My opinion would be the same if it was a highly paid women, who had a husband who decided he wanted to divorce her, but wants to claim half her pension and assets, when he had never worked himself or contributed financially to those assets.

This is why I have never been married, not would I ever get married. Far too risky for someone to just snatch away half of everything you have ever worked for.

mumumental · 21/09/2026 21:41

Half of everything.,

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is not accepting new messages.
Swipe left for the next trending thread