AIBU to want half of the pension after divorce?

OP you need your lawyer to include all pensions as part of the estate and then get a pension sharing order. If yours isn’t worth much and his is worth millions it really won’t impact the final amount you get by much. It is the right thing to include it though, and you should also persue the pension as a marital asset.

Ok typo should read sponge off my DH neither did my sisters

OP others have covered the financial aspect. The thing that stood out to me is that you are lonely. I think you need to really think about what life looks like for you moving forward. You don’t want to travel which is fair enough but what do you want to do?

It will be incredibly difficult to get a job but there are loads of voluntary things you could look at. If you pick one that you are interested in then you get to meet new people with similar interests and you never know what where that leads.

I am a few years younger than you and did work post children but was self employed to fit around the many appointments my DC had to and then cared for my Mum who had dementia. Just when I thought I could try and get paid work my health failed and I needed 2 walking sticks at one point.

The NHS have got me up and running again so to speak. I never know if I will be able to get out of bed in the morning so no traditional employers will take me but I volunteer with a community project that is getting off the ground and am carving out am admin role for myself and my health issues are accomodated.

We’re hoping to get funding and have some paid positions and I hope that will lead to paid work again which would be great. However the main benefit is to feel productive again, free of caring responsibilities and I have met some great people and it is a bit like a snowball, the number of new people I am meeting keeps increasing as the project grows.

At 60 you need to think about ageing well and that is about so much more than money. There are opportunities for you to make an impact in a way of your choosing plus improve your quality of life . Loneliness is a bar to the whole ageing well thing. I’d look at this as both a financial and psychological reset and be really proactive moving forward. First step is a lawyer but have a look around and see what support there is for women over 55, my area has a couple of things set up to help.

This is simply not true.
I am late 60s and still working, as are half my peers. I don't have a single female friend or acquaintance who didn't earn their own living all through their working life with no more than small breaks for babies (maternity provision is more generous now than it was a generation ago).
Nor do I know of anyone who has spent one decade, never mind four, doing nothing but be the little woman at home. 'Dinner party hosting' not withstanding.

OP says she's known for many years that their marriage is only a formality and yet done nothing to help herself.

I'm 62, there was no paid maternity leave, so I went back to full time work when each of my four children was six weeks old. Just retired after 42 years of full time work. I've never worked part time.

I've a very decent pension of my own after that.

While there were undoubtedly women who 'gave up' work once they had babies, many went back to work once the children were school age, at least part time, and back to full time by high school. I doubt this was because they were all dedicated career women, but more because they didn't want to find themselves painted into the exact corner the OP is now in.

My mum was a woman ahead of her time in some respects and it was absolutely drummed into me that women needed to be able to stand on their own two feet financially.

I think it's actually quite unusually to find a woman who gave up work with the first baby and then never went back to work on any level.

OP, when I divorced we had a pension actuary to value all the pensions, and to advise on how to equalise pension income in retirement (due to disabled DC I hadn't worked for about 20 years). It's very normal in a long marriage. I also got more than 50% of the house. I've retired now (early) as I was seriously ill and never fully regained my energy or health. The pension share was invested into a pension (I have a financial planner, rather than a financial advisor, who did all the admin for this) and I now draw down from that as a monthly income. It's possible you could do this too, although I'm not a financial planner!

The best thing for you to do would be to find a good solicitor and discuss everything with them. Mumsnet froths a bit about this sort of thing and you'll just get people having a go at you - it's not like you can get in a time machine with your crystal ball under your arm and change the decisions you and your husband made all those years ago.

Unpaid labour

😂

I totally get the kind of marriage you are describing. A friend of mine has one, and to some extent my sister did too. You might look like the "lady who lunches" but you're handling the running of the household, hosting functions for his collegues, and the backbone of charities. You do a lot more than sit at home on your arse, and you also know it was a privilage. Other high earning couples, both may work but then they hired a staff to do what you did. You and your husband choose a different path, and it worked till it didn't.

Unfortuneately, unlike the people I know, your marriage has broken down. Time for a good chat with a good solicitor.

He is giving you half the pension. You can’t take the cash value of half of it now as it is a pension. You should make sure you are getting legal advice from someone who knows what is and isn’t possible so that you don’t make unrealistic demands

Many women have a career after children , you can train as a midwife/ nurse / social worker in your 40s. Getting pregnant at 20 is not an excuse to prevent an education or career. Many people work until retirement age , 67? Very little chance of a job ? Maybe not her chosen career but might give her some independence.

Being a stay home parent or carer could be seen as a job but housewife with no dependents for all those years is not a job ? Maybe in the 1940s before she was born. It was acceptable . She needs a paid job now to support herself.

But you don't need to stay in London, not like you have young kids at school, or work commitments.
Look at areas outside of..there are lots of places that are nearby an easy commute back into London

You can get a perfectly nice house in a pleasant area in a less overpriced part of the country. Civilised life is possible outside London.

But 'needs must' as they say.

There is absolutely nothing stopping you getting a part time job now?

If he earns that much and your home is valuable...selling that will easily get you a 1-bed flat or starter home?

What have you been doing for the last 20 years ? Your children are 40? Why do you expect he would want to keep you after divorce? What would he gain from this? You don’t expect to work in your 60s? Retirement is 67 You sound quite spoilt and entitled. Be thankful for the £400,000 to buy a flat and the pension you will probably receive. Get a job or travel the world yourself , it’s not too late .

Shes already said in her OP that her husband wanted to travel and she has no interest in travel. This dude didnt want to retire at 55 and he did want to travel and OP wanted him to retire young and apparently......sit at home with her

Lawyer up OP. Not sure about the UK but here in Australia both parties assets and liabilities are tallied up and then the starting point is a 50% 50% split. If there are health or ability issues then sometimes the court will award more to one party to ensure they arent destitute. You're not greedy to want half of the family assets. Its all family pot family pot, I don't work and it works for my family and everyone cheers you on on here till you divorce. Then you're a parasite. Madness.

Eh? I’m 68, started work in 1979 and, apart from two years out when I had my second child, have always worked and have built up my own pension. The same goes for all my friends/ peer group.

You seem to be thinking of the group above us - our mothers - who may have been housewives. But even my mum, born in 1926, went back to work when I started secondary school (in 1969) and built up her own pension. In fact, it was a better one than my dad’s.

Stop defending yourself - you are not greedy.

You are not a parasite.

There are arseholes here - I am pretty sure they are men. They have a particular way of communicating ...

OP - get legal advise and get it quickly. Be quiet about it too.

If your dh "is done," worked in finance, and won't come home, he is probably forcing your hand. He is ready, you are not.

Do not expect fair treatment. He will be like the arseholes on the first few pages of the thread.

So get yourself informed and find your fighting spirit.

And most of all - good luck.

You need to start thinking about work and a job if you want a divorce.

That’s the problem, not working suited you both until it didn’t, and then you’re left with nothing and no work experience or money. I would seek legal advice regarding the settlement.

I'm in that age group and while most of my circle gave up work to raise the children (although some did part time work as well) I don't know anyone who continued to stay at home once the kids were at secondary school. It really isn't common to not work at all over a whole marriage. In fact I don't know any woman who hasn't worked at all at some stage, even in my parents' generation.

I'm in that age group and while most of my circle gave up work to raise the children (although some did part time work as well) I don't know anyone who continued to stay at home once the kids were at secondary school. It really isn't common to not work at all over a whole marriage. In fact I don't know any woman who hasn't worked at all at some stage, even in my parents' generation.