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AIBU?

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AIBU to want half of the pension after divorce?

1000 replies

DivorcingDebbie25 · 20/09/2026 21:46

Trying to avoid drip feed. Am sixty. Married 40 years. Kids are 40/38. I’ve never really worked. Husband had corporate career. I have been waiting for him to retire for years but it’s become clear that will never happen. He is rarely at home, constantly doing adventure stuff or pursuing his hobby. I’ve given up waiting and I want a divorce. He’s not fought me on it and clearly we are just done. I’ve moved out into rented and he’s paying my rent and expenses- clearing credit card etc.

We are reasonably civil but he says asking for half is ridiculous. He says that the only real assets are his massive pension fund, my smaller one and our house which we will sell. I think he should give me half the value of the pension fund but he says that’s not possible. He says half the house and then we combine the value of the pensions and I get the equivalent of half the income from it. Surely I can just ask for the value and then do what I want with it? It feels very controlling.

I will of course get a lawyer but wanted to check if I’m being unreasonable in asking for my half? What about future income / inheritance etc? Once I’m divorced do I lose all claim on that even though I’ve supported him to earn this money and to see the return on investments that won’t come through for a few years?

OP posts:
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6
ThreadGuardDog · 21/09/2026 08:59

angelos02 · 21/09/2026 08:43

I'm sure she could find something if she put her mind to it.

At 60, having never worked, it’s going to be incredibly difficult for her to find a job.

ExpressCheckout · 21/09/2026 08:59

YABVU

I’ve always been a single-income household, worked hard on an average salary, and self-funded my own higher education. I would never expect anyone else to subsidise my lifestyle or retirement.

I pay into my pension scheme for my own future. Knowing part of my contributions will fund a spouse’s pension if a colleague dies strikes me as wildly unfair. Why should someone benefit after contributing nothing for decades?

OP, you’re close to my age. We aren't from the generation where women were expected to be financially dependent on their husband. You made your choice and, frankly, your decision to divorce now is bizarre to say the least.

Waytoohothot · 21/09/2026 08:59

This reply has been deleted

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holrosea · 21/09/2026 08:58

https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law-information/

The PDFs at Rights of Women are a useful starting point to understand the leading principles of a divorce.

Also, you're getting a lot of flack for not working, but child raising and house keeping is unpaid work that contributed to the overall wellbeing of the family and to the husband's ability to pursue a well-paid career.

Also, if you've been married 40+ years your role within that marriage was hardly a surprise to your husband and cannot have been an entirely unilateral decision. Upon marriage, you both entered into a contract to jointly share everything you earn anything you earn/own.

You'll need proper legal advice but before you do that, make sure you have any/all documentation regarding your marriage and finances

  • marriage certificate
  • evidence of any earnings/NI contributions you have made
  • evidence of his earnings
  • any bank statements, payslips, savings accounts/investments
  • any pension statements
  • deeds of the house, details of any remaining mortgage
  • details of any debts
gardenflowergirl · 21/09/2026 08:58

If you buy yourself a property, before you divorce and sell the marital home, your new property becomes part of your joint marital assets and need to be shared out in the financial settlement for divorce. So best not to buy any further property before divorce decree absolute.

angelos02 · 21/09/2026 08:58

This thread is depressing. Women can't have it both ways. Who do you think 'keeps a house' where both parents work?

ThreadGuardDog · 21/09/2026 08:57

I think it’s hilarious that on so many other threads women who have worked are encouraged to go for their spouses’ pension in divorce. Yet the OP who hasn’t worked - and clearly had a spouse happy for her to be a trad housewife - is told she’s selfish for wanting the same. What happened to the view that looking after a house is also work ? Such hypocrisy.

SweetnsourNZ · 21/09/2026 08:57

Rachelshair · 21/09/2026 07:23

You need legal advice, as you could agree to having the pension and end up with nowhere to live. I doubt he'll still pay your rent if he's lost half his pension and had to sell the house.
If you want a claim on your ex's future inheritances, earnings etc you need to stay married.
Are you sure you want to divorce, you're not really prepared for the real world. If he travels a lot you have a lot of freedom anyway.
Do you really want an entire life without earning a thing for yourself though?

Aren't inheritances considered personal unless comingled anyway?

Waytoohothot · 21/09/2026 08:56

DivorcingDebbie25 · 20/09/2026 22:07

he was very happy for me not to work. I think it was a status thing; I earn so much my kids are in private school, we have a Range Rover, my wife doesn’t work type thing. So I don’t imagine starting work in my sixties is something anyone would expect me to do ?

I suspect he has had many other women over the years as well. We haven’t had an intimate relationship in a very long time. He’s careful and clever though and I could never prove it. Would it make a difference though?

Oh my god you are on planet la la you have wasted your life we only get one,.who do you think will pay your bills on your new home gas electric phone internet insurance car council tax food clothes broken boiler because it wont be him so yes you may have to get a job, i suspect you think he will keep you but you are wrong

Somethinggg · 21/09/2026 08:56

aCatCalledFawkes · 21/09/2026 08:46

Mumsnet is such a weird place. People advocate that marriage gives you protection and then when people get divorced, somehow that protection is twisted against you. It's not "his" money, it's there money and its an asset in the divorce.

In fairness, MN has also long hosted a contingent who are quite butthurt and/or in denial about the existence of that protection.

ThreadGuardDog · 21/09/2026 08:53

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Why on earth would you say that when her DH was happy for her not to work ? Expectations forty years ago are not what they are now.

OrchardOwl · 21/09/2026 08:50

Ignore the people who reckon your life is a waste if you don’t work. Both men and women love to shit on femininity. Being a non-working parent or partner, being interested in fashion and beauty, and being passive and gentle, are all seen as feminine behaviours so are fair game. It’s depressing but it’s always the way.

As for the pension, I’d avoid touching it if it is defined benefit. Splitting a DB pension is complicated, messy, and expensive. You would be better off getting a value placed on it and then adding that value to the marital assets and taking your fair share of the total by having a larger proportion of other assets such as the house sale, rather than splitting the pension.

Waytoohothot · 21/09/2026 08:50

Ive never known adults age 38 and 40 being described as kids, youve never worked yet you call him conttolling,.you will get half the house, im not sure about the pension i think its terrible you want half his pension that he has earnt,..i dont know how you think you will live without working assuming you buy somewhere to live as you will have bills to pay and he wont be paying those, so you may have to get a job, its so unfair that men are expexted to work full time until retirement,

ChristmasCwtch · 21/09/2026 08:49

Yes, I think you’re unreasonable. You’ve been enormously privileged doing bugger all work nearly your whole life. The fact he benefitted from the convenience of having you at home means he deserves to lose half his pension now.

It’s not hard to manage a household and two kids and two careers. A juggle but not impossible.

I was a SAHM for 4 years, then we got a nanny and I went back to work. I despair at how many friends are still sitting at home “doing the big shop” and god knows what else all day whilst their kids are in secondary school. They’re going to find themselves in a similar situation to you when their Hs leave/die/become unbearably grumpy.

aCatCalledFawkes · 21/09/2026 08:46

angelos02 · 21/09/2026 08:35

This. He grafted for decades while you did nothing and now you want half of it?! You should get none of his money. You're young enough to get a job so best crack on.

Mumsnet is such a weird place. People advocate that marriage gives you protection and then when people get divorced, somehow that protection is twisted against you. It's not "his" money, it's there money and its an asset in the divorce.

StillgotmyiPod · 21/09/2026 08:45

Ireallycantthinkofagoodone · 21/09/2026 08:43

@Minasama the OP is only 60 - highly unusual for women around this age to not work, especially once any offspring were at school. I’m mid - late 70’s, and I worked at least part time (evenings/weekends etc). My late mother (who would now be 110) always worked.

I think it’s more that the OP didn’t work because it wasn’t financially necessary, rather than it being a societal ’norm’.

And how easy do you think it will be for a 60-year-old woman with no employment history to waltz into a job tomorrow? In this jobs market.

Ireallycantthinkofagoodone · 21/09/2026 08:43

@Minasama the OP is only 60 - highly unusual for women around this age to not work, especially once any offspring were at school. I’m mid - late 70’s, and I worked at least part time (evenings/weekends etc). My late mother (who would now be 110) always worked.

I think it’s more that the OP didn’t work because it wasn’t financially necessary, rather than it being a societal ’norm’.

SweetnsourNZ · 21/09/2026 08:43

Seaitoverthere · 21/09/2026 06:06

OP others have covered the financial aspect. The thing that stood out to me is that you are lonely. I think you need to really think about what life looks like for you moving forward. You don’t want to travel which is fair enough but what do you want to do?

It will be incredibly difficult to get a job but there are loads of voluntary things you could look at. If you pick one that you are interested in then you get to meet new people with similar interests and you never know what where that leads.

I am a few years younger than you and did work post children but was self employed to fit around the many appointments my DC had to and then cared for my Mum who had dementia. Just when I thought I could try and get paid work my health failed and I needed 2 walking sticks at one point.

The NHS have got me up and running again so to speak. I never know if I will be able to get out of bed in the morning so no traditional employers will take me but I volunteer with a community project that is getting off the ground and am carving out am admin role for myself and my health issues are accomodated.

We’re hoping to get funding and have some paid positions and I hope that will lead to paid work again which would be great. However the main benefit is to feel productive again, free of caring responsibilities and I have met some great people and it is a bit like a snowball, the number of new people I am meeting keeps increasing as the project grows.

At 60 you need to think about ageing well and that is about so much more than money. There are opportunities for you to make an impact in a way of your choosing plus improve your quality of life . Loneliness is a bar to the whole ageing well thing. I’d look at this as both a financial and psychological reset and be really proactive moving forward. First step is a lawyer but have a look around and see what support there is for women over 55, my area has a couple of things set up to help.

I agree with you about the feeling useful thing. It doesn't matter what sort of job you start with. Every cog in the wheel is important and there is nothing degrading about earning a living and supporting yourself.

angelos02 · 21/09/2026 08:43

I'm sure she could find something if she put her mind to it.

StillgotmyiPod · 21/09/2026 08:43

Alondra · 21/09/2026 08:39

This argument is hogwash. A solicitor working for her will negotiate a financial settlement with her husband's soliticitor. It could mean getting a bigger share, or getting all of the house proceeds now, in exchange to give up a claim for xhuband pension later on.

The OP needs a family law solicitor. AIBU is not the place to get proper advice.

Agreed. The best thing @DivorcingDebbie25 could do is leave this thread (and some of the more unusual and irrelevant views) and get real life advice from an actual solicitor.

Lemonfrost · 21/09/2026 08:43

SixtySomething · 20/09/2026 23:49

Unpleasant. You have no right to judge in this way.

It's not unpleasant, its the reality of the situation. I rather feel you have missed the point of AIBU as well.

Somethinggg · 21/09/2026 08:42

The faith some of you have in the employability of a 60 year old who's either never worked or last had a job in around 1985 is fairly bemusing.

Shouldbedoing · 21/09/2026 08:42

I dont know why you're getting such a hard time on here @DivorcingDebbie25
Standard legal advice is all assets in the pot - house, savings, pensions, debts, investments and half each as there are no kids to support/house.
You may find a 'little job' gives you purpose and company but that's for later.
Good luck.

Constantrunner · 21/09/2026 08:42

Be careful about giving up a claim to the pension. Women who do tend to lose out.

Alondra · 21/09/2026 08:39

NovaF · 21/09/2026 08:26

So to clarify

Your house is worth circa £800k and you will get half

Your husband wants to combine pensions, including his that is worth several million (lets say £3m).

you truly don’t believe you can buy a one bed over 60s property in London with a deposit of £300k and an income of millions from the pension? Why must you buy a property now instead of after the divorce? We bought a house in London with a much smaller deposit and do not have incomes of millions. Let me guess those properties you have been eyeing up have a nice postcode. So you can buy somewhere but they are just not in areas you want to live in. So entitled.

your husband paid into a private pension for you and currently pays your rent and yet you want more more more. You say he wanted the status of housewife and kids in private school but they left decades ago, and you had decades while he was off working more and more to work yourself. Don’t blame that on him, you didn’t work because you didn’t want to, your comment about ‘surely no one expects me to work in my sixties’, well yes normal people do.

This argument is hogwash. A solicitor working for her will negotiate a financial settlement with her husband's soliticitor. It could mean getting a bigger share, or getting all of the house proceeds now, in exchange to give up a claim for xhuband pension later on.

The OP needs a family law solicitor. AIBU is not the place to get proper advice.

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