AIBU to want half of the pension after divorce?

Oh so it’s about all WOMEN. 😂 Yh keep your sexiest views to your self . Maybe cry yourself a river . You’re so obsessed, you’re now not even referring to the post we’re actually on. 😂

She had two children by the age of 22. Do you seriously think she could have worked full time and earned enough to cover childcare costs? Also you don't have to have a high flying career to be expected to work long hours.

When I talk about ideal was thinking about the children. Many don't think it ideal for both parents to be working long hours.

And OP isn't crying. I am sure she will be fine financially.

Disagree

Op hasn't been a sahm for over 20 years so I'm not sure why people keep mentioning it.

she hasn't worked since she married at 20.

I was thinking the same about the house.
If she can't buy a 1-bed flat for less than £400K, a family home for £800K in London doesn't sound right, unless by London she means a long way out and even then it would be close to £1M.

@DivorcingDebbie25 Have you had your house valued recently?

Op hasn't been a sahm for over 20 years so I'm not sure why people keep mentioning it.
Ops husband is often away on adventures and with his hobby. He wants to travel.
Op has been 'waiting' for him to retire and it hasn't happened.
What does retirement even look like in ops eyes. Being at home, two pensioners pottering in the garden and doing nothing else.
What's wrong with doing a hobby and going on adventures together, for example. It sounds a lot like the marriage has been neglected, husband off doing his own thing and op at home alone.

And who exactly is crying ? You’re the only that seems genuinely stressed about other people’s situations
The weekly posts we get from women who are so unhappy in their marriage but can't move out because they are financially dependent on their husbands and don't want to live alone on a low income.

Those whose husbands who divorce them and think it's unfair they will be able to move on and have a great lifestyle with their new girlfriend whilst they are struggling a a council home.

It's not about OP specifically but in response to the usual posts about women sacrificing their high earning careers who think it's not fair.

OP ignore the debate on here. Just know this:

Your contribution to the marriage by managing the home while he built his career is fully recognised by UK law. You are not a "parasite" or "greedy" for wanting financial security in your 60s after a lifetime together.

The law is firmly on your side, so please do NOT agree to his offer of a monthly income. A voluntary allowance is incredibly risky for you—it keeps you financially tied to him, and it could stop completely if he dies or if you remarry.

You are legally entitled to a fair share of that pension capital. You need a Pension Sharing Order, which will carve out a portion of his pension pot and move it into a brand-new pension scheme under your name. This gives you a clean break, your own independent income, and total peace of mind.
(You want a clean break divorce and no you won’t get his future inheritance - though if there are investments he’s waiting to mature these should be on the table as part of the negotiations).

Please see a family law solicitor as soon as possible. Your first step will be getting the Cash Equivalent Transfer Value (CETV) of his pension so you know exactly what it’s worth. A court's priority here will be making sure your future housing and retirement needs are securely met. Stay strong, get proper legal backing, and don't let him dictate the terms.

As an aside, if he really is such a high earner, I am surprised that your London home is worth just £800k. It is either very far out or in an area that sounds well beneath his and your standards. You must have paid it off decades ago which is all the more reason to get full transparency over ALL assets including pensions, ISAs, General Investment Accounts. He’s almost certainly been squirelling money away.

It blows my mind that someone whose children have grown up, would just stay at home and live off the graft of someone else. Doesn't matter whether they are a man or a woman.

I'm 68. I don't know any women who married and became stay-at-home 'housewives' forever, either. At most, some had a few years as stay-at-home parents, then returned to work.

I think you definitely need to get legal advice, from my understanding a long marriage like yours will take all assets, houses, pensions, savings add them together and split roughly 50/50, if there isn’t enough money for one party to housevthemselves (needs) then adjustments will be made, this doesn’t sound like it would be necessary your case.

I would caution that he’s sounding as though he wants to keep the assets and dole out money, I would try very hard to see if you can get an idea of his assets. The pension could well be very large but as the lifetime cap was only removed a couple of years ago , it probably not millions. However he could well have more savings, or stocks etc. My friend got divorced, her ‘ generous’ husband originally declared about 2.6 mil is joint assets, which he was happy to share , he completely forgot all his savings and shares on the form E, in the end the pot was about 5 mil to share 50/50 however this took about a year and court ordersto get to the bottom of, it was only possible because she knew there were savings and shares. Try and work out what he has. And find a solicitor.

Good luck

So who looked after your children while you worked long hours and maybe trips away in your "advanced career"?
Not all careers come with travel. A minority do. You then have a mixture of working whilst the children are with their dad, in the evenings when they are asleep, or the children do spend longer in daycare.

So what? It’s costing you nothing. Her not working meant jobs were freed up for others who needed them. She married someone who went on to be successful thanks to HER support.

There’s so much internalised misogyny on here. No wonder society doesn’t value unpaid labour when it seems even women dismiss (largely) women’s unpaid contributions.

*Given OP was only 20 when they had their first child, do you seriously think they would have been able to afford a nanny?

When she was 20 and only had one child, I doubt she had a job that meant working 80 hours and travelling regularly! She could have worked ft whilst her child was in childcare, like so many children are.
And while single parents may have to work full time to support their children financially that doesn't mean it is ideal
It IS very much ideal when you look at the longer picture. This is exactly the problem. Women look ano further than a couple of years and bury their head to what the choices they make then means in 20 years, then cry when they get there.

And while OP didn't give up her career she did arguably sacrifice her chance to have one
It's not a sacrifice, it's a choice. They could BOTH have aimed for a career if that's what she wanted.

And who exactly is crying ? You’re the only that seems genuinely stressed about other people’s situations. The op was asking for advice and I was simply stating there are many reasons someone might not work . The op husband never even mentioned him having an issue with her not working and op is not saying she wished she worked . So who is exactly crying ?

Why? She might have less money than previously but not terrible. She has two children and presumably given she hasn’t worked quite a lot of interests/friends/ways of keeping herself occupied.

Would you ask a man that question?

So who looked after your children while you worked long hours and maybe trips away in your "advanced career"?

Im 59 it absolutely was not normal to not work. I dont know a single woman who didnt work through choice.

Wait, I thought it did last forever, you are initiating the divorce, no?

Well yes, but if you don’t get much state pension and have London prices, even deducting mortgage/rent - it’s an averagely secure retirement and almost certainly not the financial carefree situation OP was in during marriage - and take into account OP’s state pension credits might not have been paid, except for the time when the children were young.
So about £2500 say a month. Which is fine but an adjustment in lifestyle?

Always the way on MN. Some people just like to find reasons to have a go rather than actually address what the OP is actually asking.

Have any of the people saying "asking for half isn't fair" read Strangers by Belle Burden? This man has been complicit in the life choices that mean the OP hasn't worked for the last four decades. It's crazy to me as half of a marriage where we both have to work full time to just about keep our heads above water but as she references, it's a status thing. It's an "I earn so much my wife doesn't have to work" but what's not said is the unpaid labour of being the SAHM. Of course, it's a very financially vulnerable place to put yourself in if you're not saving or building up any assets in just your name. What would be enough to be comfortable? If 40 odd years ago her husband hadn't gone along with the "you don't have to work because I earn butt loads and you can just look after the children and the home" he'd not be where he is now.

You've clearly got enough money to get some legal advice.

I'm in my late 50s and do not know one single woman my age who did this. My mum's generation for sure. Not ours.

Unless the op had a Time Machine, criticising her choices is not helpful.
it’s easy to be critical with the benefit of hindsight.

op you really need to see a solicitor, it’s not as scary or as final as it may seem. Just go for a chat and see where you stand, that’s all you need to do for now.