AIBU to want half of the pension after divorce?

Divorce starts at 50% of everything

Get a good lawyer

No, im a single parent to three. Not in the slightest privileged. Yes I do have a great career that I worked very hard for. Working night shifts, working for free to get experience. Long shifts. On my knees many times. I can hate the terms because they are bullshit. Every mum is a full time mum. And everyone makes a home. You don’t need to be unemployed to be either.
So maybe get off YOUR high horse. I am offended by someone fleecing another human being who by Ops own account has done right by her.
Maybe you should stop missing the point and stop being offended yourself.

We aren't talking about "these days" though. We are talking about 40 years ago. Leaving on time might not have been a barrier to doing your job well but it certainly was a barrier to getting promoted. Employers certainly were not sensitive to parental responsibilities. And most people didn't earn anywhere near enough to employ nannies.

This scenario is exactly why I refused to give up my career to support DH's, and why I kept working once DCs came along. I was very insistent that everything to do with the children and home was shared equally between me and DH. No way was I going to sacrifice my earning potential. With the best will in the world, sometimes relationships don't work out, and you need to be able to take care of yourself. I am always telling my DCs that they need to make sure they are never reliant on someone else to pay their bills.

OP I am sorry you are in this situation - it sounds like you were sold lots of promises about being taken care of. It must be scary to be in your situation. I hope it all works out for both you and your DH.

I took one year off (self funded) to look after one when I thought he needed a bit more care. Otherwise I had very good nanny who picked them up every evening from school and sat with them for an hour or so before I got home, made tea etc. I always got them up and took them to school for 8 and was at work for 9. It was relentless, but paid off in the end. I always refused trips away and long hours as does everyone else I've ever worked with (financial services) - employers are sensitive to parenting responsibility these days. Leaving on time (or close to, let's say) was not a barrier to doing your job very well even 30 years ago, although that's an uncomfortable truth for some. What matters is delivery, time management, etc.

Wow! How narrow sighted you are. You’re obviously privileged enough to have the freedom of a career. Since I’ve become a mum I can only work from home in a shitty low paid admin job due to a disabled child. You have no idea the circumstances of every situation. I suggest you get off your high horse and stop being offended by certain terms such a homemaker and full time mum

Don't be ridiculous. The OP hasn't been looking after small children for 30 years. There is very little housework that needs doing for two adults, one of whom is often away.

@DivorcingDebbie25 I think you need to take a bit of time, and remember why you wanted to divorce. You are both going to be less wealthy when this has all gone through.

You need a family lawyer, presume you have some access to funds.

You H doesn’t sound unreasonable, paying rent for you and agreeing to separate on your request. He sounds like he is fine to go along with things that I assume he thinks you want.

But you can’t have it all.
Once divorced his future earnings will be his and any inheritance which might come his way will also be his (inheritance can be expected but until it happens isn’t guaranteed).

Have you looked at your own state pension? How many years credits you have (you will have some from child benefit) but you need to look at that and also look at what benefits you might be able to claim, they will give you credits towards state pension but job seekers for example will expect to see evidence of you looking for work.

If he had a pension pot of “millions” you will get some, £1 million pension pot can give you £30-40k income for about 30 years - that takes you to 90.

Which will mean a lower lifestyle I expect for you but you won’t starve, you need to look at what income you will have in relation to what property you could afford to run. But this all isn’t bad for someone who has never earned.

You will need this income for the future so asking for the cash value seems dumb, plus legally you can’t just withdraw money from pension funds, you can take some out, but that reduces future payments and you will need income (especially if you have little state pension) you need to leave as much as you can in the fund.

So you need to take some time and take this one step at a time.

Hopefully you both can divorce amicably and you can move forward remaining parents/grandparents to your family.

There are many strands with divorce, it sounds like there are enough assets for you to be ok. But the emotional and family dynamics are all things to considered and it would help if you were gracious during the separation process. And remember this was your choice.

Are you going to have a fabulous house, in a nice area of London, with endless funds to travel and dine out? Unlikely (depends on the pension pot and what millions means).

But you could easily have a smaller home and secure average income. No one in real life gets richer in divorce.

So who looked after your children while you worked long hours and maybe trips away in your "advanced career"?

She had two children by the age of 22. Do you seriously think she could have worked full time and earned enough to cover childcare costs? Also you don't have to have a high flying career to be expected to work long hours.

When I talk about ideal was thinking about the children. Many don't think it ideal for both parents to be working long hours.

And OP isn't crying. I am sure she will be fine financially.

he was very happy for me not to work. I think it was a status thing; I earn so much my kids are in private school, we have a Range Rover, my wife doesn’t work type thing. So I don’t imagine starting work in my sixties is something anyone would expect me to do ?

I suspect he has had many other women over the years as well. We haven’t had an intimate relationship in a very long time. He’s careful and clever though and I could never prove it. Would it make a difference though?

So who looked after your children while you worked long hours and maybe trips away in your "advanced career"?
Not all careers come with travel. A minority do. You then have a mixture of working whilst the children are with their dad, in the evenings when they are asleep, or the children do spend longer in daycare.

He says half the house and then we combine the value of the pensions and I get the equivalent of half the income from it

This is correct. This is half.
You don’t get 50% of his pension plus 100% of your pension. All the assets you both own are added together and then split.
No you don’t get future earnings.
You can get a job if you don’t like it.

Honestly I hate that term, Homemaker. It suggests that everyone else doesn’t have a home. It’s up there with, I’m a full time mum.

That said, I don’t think it matters what she has done with her time. Nor does it matter that she is going for 50% which she is legally entitled to do. It also sounds like her husband is offering that. And paying for her new life whilst it’s sorted.

Decent people have a problem with the fact she is trying to get his future earnings when she doesn’t work. That’s like I’m bored of you but keep paying for me whilst I sit home forever. Then she wants to take inheritance from him that he hasn’t even got. Then she’s trying to work out if she says he had an affair will she get more money without him actually having having an affair.

She’s just grubby. And honestly I’m shocked by the comments suggested she anything but. Little Miss ‘Homemaker’ she ain’t!

And who exactly is crying ? You’re the only that seems genuinely stressed about other people’s situations
The weekly posts we get from women who are so unhappy in their marriage but can't move out because they are financially dependent on their husbands and don't want to live alone on a low income.

Those whose husbands who divorce them and think it's unfair they will be able to move on and have a great lifestyle with their new girlfriend whilst they are struggling a a council home.

It's not about OP specifically but in response to the usual posts about women sacrificing their high earning careers who think it's not fair.

I wouldn't necessarily presume there won't be much state pension.

You need 35 years for a full one. If OP claimed CB that's 14-15 years depending how the dates fall. She's likely to have been either working, in FE or claiming a qualifying benefit from 16-20 years so that's another 3 there. Halfway already. There's several years left to make contributions, including retrospective, and she may have been on the books anyway, use the personal allowance.

Well yes, but if you don’t get much state pension and have London prices, even deducting mortgage/rent - it’s an averagely secure retirement and almost certainly not the financial carefree situation OP was in during marriage - and take into account OP’s state pension credits might not have been paid, except for the time when the children were young.
So about £2500 say a month. Which is fine but an adjustment in lifestyle?