AIBU to resent funding my husband while he works part-time?

Are you actually caring for them? If so fair enough. If not, get a job.
This guy does fuck-all.

I don’t think that this is a healthy relationship. And that’s not wholly on him. It’s just not working.

Neither of you seem able to – or seem to want to – think about the other one in the relationship. He, and his family (though really, for this you need to take them out of the equation), seem to expect you to support him. But you – at least in how you write here - seem to have absolutely no respect for him or his passion.

In a healthy relationship each person wants the other one to be happy. Now of course money comes into things, but fulfilment should too.

I assume that when you say your partner only ‘works’ 20 hours a week, what you actually mean is that he only has 20 hours of paid work? That he works part time for money and spends the rest of the time working on his art. That he ambition is to make his passion his career. Now, of course, if he is only working part time and spends the rest of the time doing sod all, then you absolutely have a point, and he has no leg to stand on. But if you are saying that he is essentially working two jobs, one paid and one not, but that one, with the intention that it might one day become his career, then you are being horribly unfair.

That doesn’t for a moment mean that you have to stay in the relationship. But it does mean that you need to step back and think about what you are asking of him. You are asking him to give up on his dream because you are not willing or able to support him in it. That is a very different thing than moaning about someone not pulling their weight.

My father’s best friend from his university days – way back in the early 70s - was extraordinarily talented. He was set on a career as a writer. Obviously precarious, but he had a plan. He went in to journalism, he was going to start there and hone his skills and then, hopefully, move from there to writing books and such. He got a badly paid position at a local paper and was also getting bits and pieces published elsewhere. Mostly unpaid, but it was a great start. Then he fell in love. His partner wasn’t impressed at the idea of being married to a penniless writer. She made him change careers. He became an accountant and spent his career (he’s retired now) working for the waterboard. They had a decent life. A nice house, a good car, regular holidays, children did well at school. But he was one of the unhappiest people I’ve ever known. He sacrificed his talent and dreams for a dull and safe existence. Like that song, ‘Little boxes on the hillside… and they all look just the same’.

Now, obviously, it wasn’t all his wife’s fault. He had a choice. He could have left the relationship. He could have been brave and chosen to follow his ambition. But too, his wife could have understood. She could have decided that she wanted a happy partner more than a provider. That richness comes from far more than money.

When I met my partner he was midway through a masters degree, turning a passion in to a qualification. He then spent the next five years after qualifying having to work in voluntary and low paid positions, propping it up with temp work and such. Throughout that I supported him financially. At one point, when he was focusing on finishing the degree (which also involved unpaid placements) I told him to give up a bar job and focus on his degree. I paid for everything. Through half of a three year masters and then 5 or so years of professional development and such, I was pretty much the sole breadwinner. But that was fine, because this was his dream and I wanted a happy partner doing something that fascinated him and made him happy and fulfilled. I understood that money isn’t the only thing a partner can contribute to a relationship. Several years later, when his career was established and he was earning a decent salary, he then supported me when I decided I wanted to change careers and re train. I earnt nothing and he became the bread winner. He supported me in fulfilling my passions.

You are a doctor. So, presumably, you spent years and years training. Earning nothing or very little. Building up a huge debt or perhaps being financially supported by family or others. Being a doctor is hard work, but it has the huge benefit of being a profession with rather clear progression and career paths. An artist is not that. It’s about creating, spending time and effort making something and then working on how to get that work out there. There is no career path. There are only possibilities and many, many, dead ends and disappointments. But the potential benefits are wonderful and myriad.

You, to be frank, appear to place absolutely no value on his dreams or on the potential career he might forge. He’s not earning enough and that makes him useless. Why are you with someone who you clearly do not respect? And who’s life goals and outlooks are so vastly out of sync? If you want a partner who wants a ‘normal’ and steady career so that you can have a lifestyle you think you want, then find another partner.

“Little boxes on the hillside
Little boxes made of ticky-tacky
Little boxes on the hillside
Little boxes all the same
There's a pink one and a green one
And a blue one and a yellow one
And they're all made out of ticky-tacky
And they all look just the same.

And the people in the houses
All went to the university
Where they were put in boxes
And they came out all the same
And there's doctors and lawyers
And business executives
And they're all made out of ticky-tacky
And they all look just the same…”

jeez why did you marry this fella...me and my oh (not married but been together 34 yr) im the stay at home mum to 2 young asd adults and he's the bread winner ..we have joint accounts on everything and neither one grudges the other one on spending.....what a horrible relationship you have...seeing this "mine is mine" attitude on more and more threads

Total batshittery!

No I really don’t. I worked hard to get where I am, he seems to think I had “luck” to get here. I want a quality of life that I have always aimed to have. I grew up in a very working class family, first to go to uni… I want my kids to have what I didn’t

He says moneys not everything and in the same breath says he’s fed up he can’t afford xyz. I find it repulsive when I come back and he’s on the couch surrounded by the days mess just watching tv. It feels like a teenager.

Oh dear OP I’m sorry. I know you didn’t think things would turn out this way, no one wants to be married to a man child. I also married a man who earned far less than me but to his credit he worked very hard and wasn’t lazy (shame he spent what little money he had on booze and sex workers but heigh ho!).

I don’t usually like the “divorce him now” brigade. Having been through a divorce I completely understand it’s not that simple. But you sound as if you are already there. You have no children, you are still young and have your whole life ahead of you. Get out before it gets worse.

Speak to a solicitor first before telling him about any divorce. I’m not a divorce lawyer but I guarantee his parents will be freaking out that you could come after their funds rather than enabling their son to come after what little you currently have in comparison. They will hire a good lawyer from a defensive position to protect their wealth, not to attack yours.

I also think spousal support is unlikely given that you are both able bodied, young and haven’t been married for long. He hasn’t given up his career to look after children and been out of the work force for 20 years. He’s a spoiled trust fund kid with plenty of recourse through family money who could go out and stack shelves at Tesco is needs be. But again, speak to a solicitor.

Please get out. Your future self will thank you. Best of luck.

“His mother has told him that as I am projected to earn more as I get more experience that it’s unfair I’m expecting him to contribute more.”

Firstly, what’s his mother got to do with it? She can get her beak out if it.

He’s a cocklodger. If he doesn’t change, leave him. The ick is setting in.

It’s not ‘my poem’ it’s a well known song from the 1960s by Malvina Reynolds.

And I think you are missing my point by quite a long way.

I don’t think that this is a healthy relationship. And that’s not wholly on him. It’s just not working.

Neither of you seem able to – or seem to want to – think about the other one in the relationship. He, and his family (though really, for this you need to take them out of the equation), seem to expect you to support him. But you – at least in how you write here - seem to have absolutely no respect for him or his passion.

In a healthy relationship each person wants the other one to be happy. Now of course money comes into things, but fulfilment should too.

I assume that when you say your partner only ‘works’ 20 hours a week, what you actually mean is that he only has 20 hours of paid work? That he works part time for money and spends the rest of the time working on his art. That he ambition is to make his passion his career. Now, of course, if he is only working part time and spends the rest of the time doing sod all, then you absolutely have a point, and he has no leg to stand on. But if you are saying that he is essentially working two jobs, one paid and one not, but that one, with the intention that it might one day become his career, then you are being horribly unfair.

That doesn’t for a moment mean that you have to stay in the relationship. But it does mean that you need to step back and think about what you are asking of him. You are asking him to give up on his dream because you are not willing or able to support him in it. That is a very different thing than moaning about someone not pulling their weight.

My father’s best friend from his university days – way back in the early 70s - was extraordinarily talented. He was set on a career as a writer. Obviously precarious, but he had a plan. He went in to journalism, he was going to start there and hone his skills and then, hopefully, move from there to writing books and such. He got a badly paid position at a local paper and was also getting bits and pieces published elsewhere. Mostly unpaid, but it was a great start. Then he fell in love. His partner wasn’t impressed at the idea of being married to a penniless writer. She made him change careers. He became an accountant and spent his career (he’s retired now) working for the waterboard. They had a decent life. A nice house, a good car, regular holidays, children did well at school. But he was one of the unhappiest people I’ve ever known. He sacrificed his talent and dreams for a dull and safe existence. Like that song, ‘Little boxes on the hillside… and they all look just the same’.

Now, obviously, it wasn’t all his wife’s fault. He had a choice. He could have left the relationship. He could have been brave and chosen to follow his ambition. But too, his wife could have understood. She could have decided that she wanted a happy partner more than a provider. That richness comes from far more than money.

When I met my partner he was midway through a masters degree, turning a passion in to a qualification. He then spent the next five years after qualifying having to work in voluntary and low paid positions, propping it up with temp work and such. Throughout that I supported him financially. At one point, when he was focusing on finishing the degree (which also involved unpaid placements) I told him to give up a bar job and focus on his degree. I paid for everything. Through half of a three year masters and then 5 or so years of professional development and such, I was pretty much the sole breadwinner. But that was fine, because this was his dream and I wanted a happy partner doing something that fascinated him and made him happy and fulfilled. I understood that money isn’t the only thing a partner can contribute to a relationship. Several years later, when his career was established and he was earning a decent salary, he then supported me when I decided I wanted to change careers and re train. I earnt nothing and he became the bread winner. He supported me in fulfilling my passions.

You are a doctor. So, presumably, you spent years and years training. Earning nothing or very little. Building up a huge debt or perhaps being financially supported by family or others. Being a doctor is hard work, but it has the huge benefit of being a profession with rather clear progression and career paths. An artist is not that. It’s about creating, spending time and effort making something and then working on how to get that work out there. There is no career path. There are only possibilities and many, many, dead ends and disappointments. But the potential benefits are wonderful and myriad.

You, to be frank, appear to place absolutely no value on his dreams or on the potential career he might forge. He’s not earning enough and that makes him useless. Why are you with someone who you clearly do not respect? And who’s life goals and outlooks are so vastly out of sync? If you want a partner who wants a ‘normal’ and steady career so that you can have a lifestyle you think you want, then find another partner.

“Little boxes on the hillside
Little boxes made of ticky-tacky
Little boxes on the hillside
Little boxes all the same
There's a pink one and a green one
And a blue one and a yellow one
And they're all made out of ticky-tacky
And they all look just the same.

And the people in the houses
All went to the university
Where they were put in boxes
And they came out all the same
And there's doctors and lawyers
And business executives
And they're all made out of ticky-tacky
And they all look just the same…”

Quite a nasty post.

You blame the OP???!

Your husband's attitude to his passion and his relationship with you is absolutely completely different to that of @Stressedbadlydressed 's husband. You can't see that?

And the poem? What's that about?

I don’t think that this is a healthy relationship. And that’s not wholly on him. It’s just not working.

Neither of you seem able to – or seem to want to – think about the other one in the relationship. He, and his family (though really, for this you need to take them out of the equation), seem to expect you to support him. But you – at least in how you write here - seem to have absolutely no respect for him or his passion.

In a healthy relationship each person wants the other one to be happy. Now of course money comes into things, but fulfilment should too.

I assume that when you say your partner only ‘works’ 20 hours a week, what you actually mean is that he only has 20 hours of paid work? That he works part time for money and spends the rest of the time working on his art. That he ambition is to make his passion his career. Now, of course, if he is only working part time and spends the rest of the time doing sod all, then you absolutely have a point, and he has no leg to stand on. But if you are saying that he is essentially working two jobs, one paid and one not, but that one, with the intention that it might one day become his career, then you are being horribly unfair.

That doesn’t for a moment mean that you have to stay in the relationship. But it does mean that you need to step back and think about what you are asking of him. You are asking him to give up on his dream because you are not willing or able to support him in it. That is a very different thing than moaning about someone not pulling their weight.

My father’s best friend from his university days – way back in the early 70s - was extraordinarily talented. He was set on a career as a writer. Obviously precarious, but he had a plan. He went in to journalism, he was going to start there and hone his skills and then, hopefully, move from there to writing books and such. He got a badly paid position at a local paper and was also getting bits and pieces published elsewhere. Mostly unpaid, but it was a great start. Then he fell in love. His partner wasn’t impressed at the idea of being married to a penniless writer. She made him change careers. He became an accountant and spent his career (he’s retired now) working for the waterboard. They had a decent life. A nice house, a good car, regular holidays, children did well at school. But he was one of the unhappiest people I’ve ever known. He sacrificed his talent and dreams for a dull and safe existence. Like that song, ‘Little boxes on the hillside… and they all look just the same’.

Now, obviously, it wasn’t all his wife’s fault. He had a choice. He could have left the relationship. He could have been brave and chosen to follow his ambition. But too, his wife could have understood. She could have decided that she wanted a happy partner more than a provider. That richness comes from far more than money.

When I met my partner he was midway through a masters degree, turning a passion in to a qualification. He then spent the next five years after qualifying having to work in voluntary and low paid positions, propping it up with temp work and such. Throughout that I supported him financially. At one point, when he was focusing on finishing the degree (which also involved unpaid placements) I told him to give up a bar job and focus on his degree. I paid for everything. Through half of a three year masters and then 5 or so years of professional development and such, I was pretty much the sole breadwinner. But that was fine, because this was his dream and I wanted a happy partner doing something that fascinated him and made him happy and fulfilled. I understood that money isn’t the only thing a partner can contribute to a relationship. Several years later, when his career was established and he was earning a decent salary, he then supported me when I decided I wanted to change careers and re train. I earnt nothing and he became the bread winner. He supported me in fulfilling my passions.

You are a doctor. So, presumably, you spent years and years training. Earning nothing or very little. Building up a huge debt or perhaps being financially supported by family or others. Being a doctor is hard work, but it has the huge benefit of being a profession with rather clear progression and career paths. An artist is not that. It’s about creating, spending time and effort making something and then working on how to get that work out there. There is no career path. There are only possibilities and many, many, dead ends and disappointments. But the potential benefits are wonderful and myriad.

You, to be frank, appear to place absolutely no value on his dreams or on the potential career he might forge. He’s not earning enough and that makes him useless. Why are you with someone who you clearly do not respect? And who’s life goals and outlooks are so vastly out of sync? If you want a partner who wants a ‘normal’ and steady career so that you can have a lifestyle you think you want, then find another partner.

“Little boxes on the hillside
Little boxes made of ticky-tacky
Little boxes on the hillside
Little boxes all the same
There's a pink one and a green one
And a blue one and a yellow one
And they're all made out of ticky-tacky
And they all look just the same.

And the people in the houses
All went to the university
Where they were put in boxes
And they came out all the same
And there's doctors and lawyers
And business executives
And they're all made out of ticky-tacky
And they all look just the same…”