Page 21 | AIBU to resent funding my husband while he works part-time?

Stressedbadlydressed · 2026-09-20T20:20:34+00:00

DH has a job that averages 20 hours a week. He’s always running out of money beyond the first week of pay. He pays his part of the mortgage and bills but that’s it. I buy food and everything for the house. I am Dr and working 48 hour weeks. I am drained. I’m on £45k. our combined incomes have meant we haven’t been able to move out of an area that we both dislike immensely. I have £16k in savings, that he says I should put towards a deposit. I’ve asked him to increase his hours or find a new job. He says he will but it never materialises. Then he will say things like trust the process, or that he’s getting “paid” in time so he can pursue his “passion”. His mother has told him that as I am projected to earn more as I get more experience that it’s unfair I’m expecting him to contribute more. I find it very unattractive that I effectively fund his life and standard of living. Whenever he asks to borrow money I feel physically repulsed. Aibu?

HouseBee · 21/09/2026 11:54

Xpost

It’s pretty normal to be heartbroken. You’re grieving the man you thought he was and the equal relationship you thought you had. And all of that is hard.

Im Judy going to gently push back on the idea that you’ll divirce him because he doesn’t earn as much as him.
Yes he is probably going to say that. It doesn’t make it the truth.
And ypu shouldn’t divirce him because of that either. You’re divorcing him because

he is not listening to you
he only thinks about himself - selfishness isn’t attractive
if he can’t win an argument, he becomes vile, resorts to attacks etc…
he doesn’t care about your wellbeing
you have very different life values

Even if he was suddenly earning as much as you, all of those problems would still be there. Why would you settle for that?

Heronwatcher · 21/09/2026 11:50

Stressedbadlydressed · 21/09/2026 11:46

I understand posters find it frustrating that I am writing extra things instead of immediately saying yes, I’ll divorce him. Life isn’t that simple. Obviously I am not happy, and posting about it to get other people’s POVs likely constitutes a shift in my thinking and an unconscious want to leave.

When you love someone, you naturally want to support them. So when I’ve seen him struggling I’ve helped out, mostly because I can’t bear seeing him stressed, but because that’s what I thought partners did. But the problem is, we are not partners. I don’t have any support from him. His responses to my stress are “quit your job if you’re stressed”, “go part time if you’re stressed”, and, “if you loved me you wouldn’t think I was taking money from you”.

It’s not even about the money at this point. It’s about the stagnation of his abilities to do anything. I have never taken a penny off anyone, maybe that’s how I was raised, but it would be nice for him to buy me a coffee, not ask for petrol money if I ask to go on a walk with him, or for him to take me the cinema once in a while. I have to pay for it all.

He has doubled down massively on this and like posters have said it won’t change. So now I’m looking at a divorce from someone who’ll reduce it to “you divorced me because I didn’t earn as much as you”.

I’ll look at divorce options but I am heartbroken it’s come to this

Would it help to frame it as a trial
separation and also stopping the financial subsidies from today? Mentally this might be less difficult for you to process.

Don’t get me wrong I think it is likely to end in divorce but don’t blame yourself for this- it’s the boiled frog syndrome- as you say some financial to and fro is normal, partners support eachother, so it’s easy to explain this away until it becomes one partner being financially abusive and/
or taking the piss.

HouseBee · 21/09/2026 11:47

He was utterly vile during that argument, asking me what I spend my money on, why I’m struggling on my wage as I earn quite well.

Just in that, he isn’t the sort of person you want to build something LT with.

I think he is going to find really hard wo you as a financial crutch.
Youll find you’re going to get opportunities that you won’t get with him around.

Original poster

Stressedbadlydressed · 21/09/2026 11:46

I understand posters find it frustrating that I am writing extra things instead of immediately saying yes, I’ll divorce him. Life isn’t that simple. Obviously I am not happy, and posting about it to get other people’s POVs likely constitutes a shift in my thinking and an unconscious want to leave.

When you love someone, you naturally want to support them. So when I’ve seen him struggling I’ve helped out, mostly because I can’t bear seeing him stressed, but because that’s what I thought partners did. But the problem is, we are not partners. I don’t have any support from him. His responses to my stress are “quit your job if you’re stressed”, “go part time if you’re stressed”, and, “if you loved me you wouldn’t think I was taking money from you”.

It’s not even about the money at this point. It’s about the stagnation of his abilities to do anything. I have never taken a penny off anyone, maybe that’s how I was raised, but it would be nice for him to buy me a coffee, not ask for petrol money if I ask to go on a walk with him, or for him to take me the cinema once in a while. I have to pay for it all.

He has doubled down massively on this and like posters have said it won’t change. So now I’m looking at a divorce from someone who’ll reduce it to “you divorced me because I didn’t earn as much as you”.

I’ll look at divorce options but I am heartbroken it’s come to this

OP posts:

EmeraldShamrock000 · 21/09/2026 11:46

You are an intelligent hardworking ambitious person, why on earth would you want to be in a relationship with someone who is the complete opposite.
You’ll be carrying him for years. He has to change his attitude.

Newusernameforthiss · 21/09/2026 11:46

I met my husband when I was 33 and we have a lovely house and twins. RUN NOW you still have time!!! You deserve so much more than this!!

Heronwatcher · 21/09/2026 11:45

Stressedbadlydressed · 21/09/2026 08:53

I’m off today, starting a rotation of night shifts from tomorrow night. Last night I asked DH if he’d applied to any of the jobs I’d sent him. I’d sent them as he’d told me he was stressed about money.

His response was that he’s not stressed about money, he’s happy with his contribution and when I said I wasn’t he said “well go and find someone else then”.

He teaches an art class in the community centre for adults for an hour on Tuesdays and Thursdays. He usually earns £50 a month from this (after paying for the room), sometimes nothing, and sometimes a loss. He said that a full time job would leave him with no energy to do this. He said he works 2 jobs which equates to full time.

He was utterly vile during that argument, asking me what I spend my money on, why I’m struggling on my wage as I earn quite well.

Exhausting

I think if you stay with him after this, you would basically be accepting that this is now your life. He’s said what he means- either put up or shut up. He’s been as clear as he could be that nothing will change. In a way he has a right to say that, but you have a right to leave the marriage as a consequence. No amount of you sending him jobs is going to change things.

What’s stopping you just walking out? Call
it a trial separation if you want. But if you stay after this you really can’t expect anything to change.

ThreadGuardDog · 21/09/2026 11:42

G5000 · 21/09/2026 11:26

You may end up with money from his inheritance

I know the type - it will very much be his inheritance

Oh God yes. I thought this at the first mention of the inheritance. He would make sure it was kept entirely separate from any joint finances and use it to finance his ‘passion’ !!

Thechateau · 21/09/2026 11:41

For the love of god please leave this man and move on with your life. Whatever you do do not have children

ThreadGuardDog · 21/09/2026 11:39

WildLeader · 21/09/2026 10:45

He was always like this, but you chose not to see it.

you can’t make a man, you can’t change them or expect them to do so if they’re not willing to.

the clues were all there

you’re not earning enough to “keep a man”, he’ll never change and this is the millstone you have around your neck

ypu don’t have kids, but if you did, he’d be default carer for them and WHEN you got tired of the endless pressure and slog to keep the plates spinning and divorce him, he’d probably get custody AND you’d have to pay spousal maintenance

get out now love. It’s not going to change

Show quote history

I think it’s worse than that. He sounds irredeemably lazy and self centred. His attitude to OP questioning how they could manage children was ‘we’d make it work’. That’s a non- answer indicating that he’s not interested. He means OP would make it work while he continued to do as he liked - l don’t think he’d be default childcare at all. I think the expectation would be for OP to do it as well as working full time. And if they divorced she’d find herself juggling childcare and full time work with no input from him and minimal contact with his kids. Absolute loser.

GoneAlready · 21/09/2026 11:29

Like everyone else, I’m just wondering why you’re still with him.

Hes not going to change. You seem to be looking for proof that he’s in the wrong here as if that will make any material difference, but it won’t - not to him, anyway.

He’s getting what he wants, ie a partner who subsidises him

You’re not getting what you want, ie a partner who contributes equally.

He has no motivation to change, so he won’t.

The only person who can make a change here is you. You can choose to stop subsidising him by ending your marriage, now that you realise what kind of a man he is (presumably you didn’t fully realise this at the time you got married).

You can’t rely on him, you don’t find his behaviour at all attractive, you feel used. You’re not unreasonable at all to be concerned about any of that, but you are unreasonable if you don’t then act on it.

You’re still pretty young, no DC from the sounds of it. What’s stopping you acknowledging you made a mistake with this one and leaving him?

pinkyredrose · 21/09/2026 11:28

Is he any good as an artist? Can he actually make any money at it, is he applying to show at art fairs, galleries etc?

buzzbuzzfly · 21/09/2026 11:26

If you are this frustrated now, think about the long term (20-30 years out). You’ve chosen a solid career where you can anticipate your earnings level over time and are unlikely to ever be without work. This goes for few people

A friend who is a doctor has recently split from her low earning DH - he went after her pension despite initially saying he wouldn’t (he left for another woman)

If you don’t trust him with money now that won’t change - and he’s clearly happy to be funded by others: first his dad, now you

If you are ok with that for the rest of your life , no problem. If not: divorce now; he will be entitled to half of what you have but you are at the early stages of your career

You are plenty young enough to meet someone else

Freeze your eggs as insurance and start over

G5000 · 21/09/2026 11:26

You may end up with money from his inheritance

I know the type - it will very much be his inheritance

Maybeitllneverhappen · 21/09/2026 11:24

Oh gosh; you get my first LTB! I hope you do as he will never change and you definitely deserve better. 💐

olderandwiser83 · 21/09/2026 11:24

Sorry love, you need a man in your life not a child. If you have to keep pushing him to get a job and he is satisfied with crawling through life with a sense of entitlement, you need to decide if that's what you want.

If you end up having boys, this will be the model they will have. You may end up with money from his inheritance, but that will be your reward after having year and years of frustration and resentment - money is nice but not at the price it will take on you.

It may seem rough to have to start over but you're still young and we are a lot more.accepting of shit like this when were younger - long term unless he has a massive wake up call (privileged lifestyle + enabling people in life make this seem unlikely) it will eventually leave to you checking out and leaving

HoldMyWine · 21/09/2026 11:23

OP get rid of this loser and certainly don’t have any children with him. Do it now whilst you’re young enough to meet someone better.

SheilaFentiman · 21/09/2026 11:23

OutOfTheOtherSide · 21/09/2026 11:18

Mumsnet would go out of business pretty quickly if different people didn't make the same point over and over again. Furthermore, there are over 300 posts in this thread alone, do you really think people have time (or interest) in reading every single post?

Show quote history

I feel if people are coming on a thread to pontificate about the hypocrisy of MN, then yes, they should check if the posts in that thread are reflective of the hypocrisy they are inventing looking to discuss.

YMMV.

Figgygal · 21/09/2026 11:22

Stressedbadlydressed · 21/09/2026 08:53

I’m off today, starting a rotation of night shifts from tomorrow night. Last night I asked DH if he’d applied to any of the jobs I’d sent him. I’d sent them as he’d told me he was stressed about money.

His response was that he’s not stressed about money, he’s happy with his contribution and when I said I wasn’t he said “well go and find someone else then”.

He teaches an art class in the community centre for adults for an hour on Tuesdays and Thursdays. He usually earns £50 a month from this (after paying for the room), sometimes nothing, and sometimes a loss. He said that a full time job would leave him with no energy to do this. He said he works 2 jobs which equates to full time.

He was utterly vile during that argument, asking me what I spend my money on, why I’m struggling on my wage as I earn quite well.

Exhausting

He's a waste of space op
It's already causing resentment it'll only get worse

OutOfTheOtherSide · 21/09/2026 11:18

SheilaFentiman · 21/09/2026 08:35

If you are going to be tedious @OutOfTheOtherSide, at least read the thread. PoppyBell already made your point.

Mumsnet would go out of business pretty quickly if different people didn't make the same point over and over again. Furthermore, there are over 300 posts in this thread alone, do you really think people have time (or interest) in reading every single post?

LAMPS1 · 21/09/2026 11:13

There is no merit in continuing the marriage OP.
He is using you as a stepping stone until his inheritance comes in.
He’s lazy, entitled, has zero work ethic and never will have.

Do not spend another penny on feeding him or housekeeping for him.
In your own best interests, plan to leave him asap.

M103 · 21/09/2026 11:10

Divorce him asap. You will be so much happier without him. And don't have kids with him.

downthehillhome · 21/09/2026 11:08

If you’re planning to leave, do it soon. Your best years are ahead of you and you still have time to meet someone else. Also, he will come after everything you have, including your pension, so divorce before you build up any more savings/pensions etc.

SamphiretheTervosaur · 21/09/2026 11:08

2 years?

Leave now before he gets a rock solid claim on being a supported spouse

Lazy bastard can't even be polite to you

SmugglersHaunt · 21/09/2026 11:03

I hardly ever say ‘LTB’ but this has LTB written all over it, in giant neon, with a chorus of dancers. He sounds awful and you deserve better.

I met up with an old colleague from 20 years ago recently. I remember at the time her boyfriend had lost his job as a graphic designer and wasn’t looking for anything else as he declared all other jobs ‘beneath him’. It was a source of frustration to her then.

Fast-forward 20 years and imagine my (non existent) surprise when she told me that he hasn’t worked a day since then (20+ years). He sits at home apparently obsessing over whether next door have ‘moved their bins’ and she gives him pocket money for video games from her full time salary.

I say get out now - he doesn’t respect you at all.