AIBU to resent funding my husband while he works part-time?

Apparently you don't see this as a valid partnership, so therefore the marriage is just on paper really and yes, him living the easy life on the couch...how did you meet him, did you date , did you talk about future married life?

He doesn’t get to unilaterally decide that he works part time and you have to fund that. I don’t see how you can get over this, the question is just how much more money and time you’re willing to spend figuring out he won’t change.

Just think, he knows how you feel and he doesn’t love you enough to put in a bit more effort. You love him too much to leave and he’s using that love to sit on his arse for 20 hours a week.

No, but I would imagine the Roman builders at least turned up and did some work.

I’d be walking out the door, no ifs and buts, I respect myself way too much to put up with that….

youve got two choices, live with it or don’t…..

Take your time, OP. Its not an easy situation to process. Hopefully posting on here will help you move forward.

He has found someone to subsidise his lifestyle and to do all admin nd housework. He will already have a claim on your savings and your pension - so for 2 years marriage will give you nothing and you will give him maybe 50% of that hard earned nhs pension,

the sooner you separate and divorce the sooner he not take your pension, savings etc.

in fact if you have savings I would buy a new car now. So he can’t take half of those. Needed for your job etc,

@Stressedbadlydressed I'm going to say what I said to a young woman your age whose partner was also wanting to pursue a passion. Working less than full time, no savings.

Most of the world works to put food on the table and pay bills. If you like your job it's a bonus.

It's definitely a first world problem to feel that you are entitled to pursue a passion at someone else's expense.

You might be happy to work the long hours and develop your career and if your partner does the lion's share of cooking and housework to facilitate that it might work for you as a couple for now.

But if you have children and have to rush back to work because his income won't support the family while you are on may leave, then you may resent this.

Walk away now. He is NEVER going to be anything more than a massive drain on you.
Let his mummy fund his passion.
And for heaven's sake DON'T have children with him.
Choose your next partner more wisely.. you deserve better.

He needs to put reality before his passion sorry but this situation is not right!

How is that holy shit balls? She is young and that's a high salary to be earning in your 20s. Most people work for many years to even get close to that.

he presumably paints and that is work.

he doesn't even do that, OP says DH is 'too tired' to put any time and effort into his 'passion'

Quoting Peter Seeger to someone who did a fucking medical degree without the safety net of rich parents is insane behaviour actually

As you have no children so therefore isn't working part time because of childcare yanbu. I would tell him he needs to do more to contribute and sustain himself.

He does want to work - he presumably paints and that is work. But this doesn't earn any money so he needs a day job, like most of us. What does he do and why can he only work 20 hours a week?

Classic #FirstPostNailsIt

This sounds really difficult for you. To give ypu my experience, I married my husband at the same point in my medical career and have always earned more than him, apart from when I was on mat leave. When we were at your stage, with no children, he was working 32 hours a week and I was probably doing about 50 hours (bad old days of junior doctors). I was also studying for professional exams. He was responsible for most of the house maintenance, organising, bills, car etc. We shared the cooking and shopping. We had a joint account that both salaries went into but the deal was that if you were going to spend >£100 you had to discuss with the other person first.
I think the issue for you is not necessarily the lack of money, it's the lack of communication and your husband's reluctance to discuss how you share your life, time and resources. You are likely always going to earn more and being working longer hours than him so you need to be able to talk openly and constructively about how it should work. If he can't engage with that now you need to get out before you have a bigger salary for him to sponge off or before you have children.

OP please do not have children with this man. I have 3 children with a man like this. While I won’t say I regret my children, of course I don’t, I do wish things were different. I work my arse off trying to cover everything while DH pursues his passion and my in laws top him up. I’ve got the ick.

Please walk away while you can

Honestly OP, and I speak from experience via my job, the one thing all men who cheat have in common is that they are entitled. Your husband has entitlement coming out of every pore. He wants an easy life, and expects money to land in his lap. He won't even talk with you to consider an alternative to doing precisely what he wants, no matter what it costs you and your mental and physical health.

He is not a good husband now, and I would bet that if you had children and took away his ability do do what he wishes - either by handing him the children when you work, or having him cover the shortfall if you took leave, so removing the magic money tree, he would be off.

OP- I understand it is very easy for people to say on an anonymous forum just leave him, so I will refrain from that. However, I do think you need to get a safe space to talk about this and I would hope your NHS Trust offers counselling as part of its staff care package. Please look into this- I think I understand how bloody tired you must be so the prospect must seem very unappealing.

The job you do is all consuming in more ways than most people will understand, it is not just the hours and the relentless stuff thrown at you in a broken healthcare system, but the time outside clinical hours, dealing with senior management and headspace needed to progress is brutal. Your DH and his attitude is taking far too much energy from you and I worry that at some point you physically and mentally will reach breaking point.

I know this sounds dramatic, but I worked in frontline child protection for 20 years and it is impossible to sustain when also dealing with ongoing issues in other areas of life. Which is obviously not an okay work/life balance but the reality within a system that demands way over your contracted hours, your whole day is difficult conversations, abuse from the public but more frustratingly being the face of decisions made at a senior level and fire fighting. You really cannot also carry an (over-privileged) man child who does not have your back

Most importantly OP, you sound amazing and very strong- even if you are not feeling it right now. It is very hard for any of us to gain a clear perspective when in the middle of such circumstances and this is why talking therapy can be so helpful. I also understand, both on a professional and personal level, that however shite the current situation is- at least if is known. The unknown is terrifying and there is obviously a good reason you married this man and have invested in the relationship. One thing will always remain true, you cannot make other people change and therefore you have to take control of your own circumstances. I wish you all the best

Hi op at the end of the day you don’t have to divorce if you don’t want to but you do need to decide if love is enough your dh doesn’t sound like he respects you or your job. Kids would be additional costs if you choose to have them and this would fall on to you pay for everything if you stay and build up a pension and savings he will be entitled to some of these. Is your relationship good apart from his laziness.

I’d get some legal advice…. If you were to divorce - would he get half your assets? Half of your savings? Because you might want to cut lose before you assemble substantial assets.
or just tell him… you’ve gone part time. Now only half the money is coming in… no, you cannot give him any money. There is no food in the house because there is no money…

I think it means “shut up and lend me some money, wife”

What does ‘trust the process’ mean exactly?

I’d love to understand what happens to men to allow these useless women to take them for a ride.