AIBU to resent funding my husband while he works part-time?

I have to say I am quite shocked by this response, but I’ll reply nonetheless.

Reading my previous posts, you’ll see that I did and have supported DH to pursue his passion. You’ll also see that he does not spend any sustained amount of time or effort on his passion. Outside of his 2 hours a week teaching art, he does zero art. He claims he is tired, or that he doesn’t have any money to buy new materials. I’ve suggested going to air fairs, art galleries, setting up a social media, increasing awareness of his classes so he can branch out. He’s not interested in any of it.

How many artists do you know who work solely on art? My passion in life was always literature, I debated studying it in university but got the grades for medicine, so off I went. My mum quite wisely told me that a passion doesn’t always have to become a career, and more often than not, turning your passion into your career causes stress and takes the joy out of it. Alongside my working week, I still read extensively, I am in a book club (though attendance depends on my shift patterns). My passion is still there.

If DH used his free time to make something of his passion then it would be understandable. If DH lived frugally, was appreciative of the financial support I gave him, contributed in other ways, then I might understand more.

There comes a point when reality sets in and you have to make life work. If he got a full time job, and really wanted to pursue his passion, he’d make it work. If his art then took off and he started making a career of it, then by all means, focus on that.

You cannot live life funded by others on the off-chance opportunity will fall in your lap and you’ll “make it”.

I did accrue a lot of student debt doing my degree. I had no financial support from my family as they couldn’t afford it. I made my life work through hard work alone, why does consistent effort and dedication to a career mean that it’s any “less” than a creative pursuit?

I am wholly understanding of someone’s passions. But I’m not willing to work myself into the ground whilst he pisses about working part time and not even pursuing that passion. How many more years do you give someone to actually make an effort?

I have to say I am quite shocked by this response, but I’ll reply nonetheless.

Reading my previous posts, you’ll see that I did and have supported DH to pursue his passion. You’ll also see that he does not spend any sustained amount of time or effort on his passion. Outside of his 2 hours a week teaching art, he does zero art. He claims he is tired, or that he doesn’t have any money to buy new materials. I’ve suggested going to air fairs, art galleries, setting up a social media, increasing awareness of his classes so he can branch out. He’s not interested in any of it.

How many artists do you know who work solely on art? My passion in life was always literature, I debated studying it in university but got the grades for medicine, so off I went. My mum quite wisely told me that a passion doesn’t always have to become a career, and more often than not, turning your passion into your career causes stress and takes the joy out of it. Alongside my working week, I still read extensively, I am in a book club (though attendance depends on my shift patterns). My passion is still there.

If DH used his free time to make something of his passion then it would be understandable. If DH lived frugally, was appreciative of the financial support I gave him, contributed in other ways, then I might understand more.

There comes a point when reality sets in and you have to make life work. If he got a full time job, and really wanted to pursue his passion, he’d make it work. If his art then took off and he started making a career of it, then by all means, focus on that.

You cannot live life funded by others on the off-chance opportunity will fall in your lap and you’ll “make it”.

I did accrue a lot of student debt doing my degree. I had no financial support from my family as they couldn’t afford it. I made my life work through hard work alone, why does consistent effort and dedication to a career mean that it’s any “less” than a creative pursuit?

I am wholly understanding of someone’s passions. But I’m not willing to work myself into the ground whilst he pisses about working part time and not even pursuing that passion. How many more years do you give someone to actually make an effort?

His father funded him until he fell out with his dad. His passion is art but he makes zero money from it

If you’d read the OP instead of focusing on your own life, you’d have seen that her h doesn’t pull his weight. He works very few hours per week.

And that stupid, condescending poem you added at the end?? 🙄🙄 Dick move.

I don’t think that this is a healthy relationship. And that’s not wholly on him. It’s just not working.

Neither of you seem able to – or seem to want to – think about the other one in the relationship. He, and his family (though really, for this you need to take them out of the equation), seem to expect you to support him. But you – at least in how you write here - seem to have absolutely no respect for him or his passion.

In a healthy relationship each person wants the other one to be happy. Now of course money comes into things, but fulfilment should too.

I assume that when you say your partner only ‘works’ 20 hours a week, what you actually mean is that he only has 20 hours of paid work? That he works part time for money and spends the rest of the time working on his art. That he ambition is to make his passion his career. Now, of course, if he is only working part time and spends the rest of the time doing sod all, then you absolutely have a point, and he has no leg to stand on. But if you are saying that he is essentially working two jobs, one paid and one not, but that one, with the intention that it might one day become his career, then you are being horribly unfair.

That doesn’t for a moment mean that you have to stay in the relationship. But it does mean that you need to step back and think about what you are asking of him. You are asking him to give up on his dream because you are not willing or able to support him in it. That is a very different thing than moaning about someone not pulling their weight.

My father’s best friend from his university days – way back in the early 70s - was extraordinarily talented. He was set on a career as a writer. Obviously precarious, but he had a plan. He went in to journalism, he was going to start there and hone his skills and then, hopefully, move from there to writing books and such. He got a badly paid position at a local paper and was also getting bits and pieces published elsewhere. Mostly unpaid, but it was a great start. Then he fell in love. His partner wasn’t impressed at the idea of being married to a penniless writer. She made him change careers. He became an accountant and spent his career (he’s retired now) working for the waterboard. They had a decent life. A nice house, a good car, regular holidays, children did well at school. But he was one of the unhappiest people I’ve ever known. He sacrificed his talent and dreams for a dull and safe existence. Like that song, ‘Little boxes on the hillside… and they all look just the same’.

Now, obviously, it wasn’t all his wife’s fault. He had a choice. He could have left the relationship. He could have been brave and chosen to follow his ambition. But too, his wife could have understood. She could have decided that she wanted a happy partner more than a provider. That richness comes from far more than money.

When I met my partner he was midway through a masters degree, turning a passion in to a qualification. He then spent the next five years after qualifying having to work in voluntary and low paid positions, propping it up with temp work and such. Throughout that I supported him financially. At one point, when he was focusing on finishing the degree (which also involved unpaid placements) I told him to give up a bar job and focus on his degree. I paid for everything. Through half of a three year masters and then 5 or so years of professional development and such, I was pretty much the sole breadwinner. But that was fine, because this was his dream and I wanted a happy partner doing something that fascinated him and made him happy and fulfilled. I understood that money isn’t the only thing a partner can contribute to a relationship. Several years later, when his career was established and he was earning a decent salary, he then supported me when I decided I wanted to change careers and re train. I earnt nothing and he became the bread winner. He supported me in fulfilling my passions.

You are a doctor. So, presumably, you spent years and years training. Earning nothing or very little. Building up a huge debt or perhaps being financially supported by family or others. Being a doctor is hard work, but it has the huge benefit of being a profession with rather clear progression and career paths. An artist is not that. It’s about creating, spending time and effort making something and then working on how to get that work out there. There is no career path. There are only possibilities and many, many, dead ends and disappointments. But the potential benefits are wonderful and myriad.

You, to be frank, appear to place absolutely no value on his dreams or on the potential career he might forge. He’s not earning enough and that makes him useless. Why are you with someone who you clearly do not respect? And who’s life goals and outlooks are so vastly out of sync? If you want a partner who wants a ‘normal’ and steady career so that you can have a lifestyle you think you want, then find another partner.

“Little boxes on the hillside
Little boxes made of ticky-tacky
Little boxes on the hillside
Little boxes all the same
There's a pink one and a green one
And a blue one and a yellow one
And they're all made out of ticky-tacky
And they all look just the same.

And the people in the houses
All went to the university
Where they were put in boxes
And they came out all the same
And there's doctors and lawyers
And business executives
And they're all made out of ticky-tacky
And they all look just the same…”

OP, you are a hard working doctor, and he is as useful as a chocolate teapot. He is neither use nor ornament.

I have 2 DC that are following their creative passions. They are at Uni and also work. They are 2 of the most hardworking people I have ever met.

It sounds like you found yourself a nice private school boy with the gift of the gab and a bit of charm. I think you need to go find yourself someone who is on the same page as you, probably another doctor.

If you stay with your DH in 5 years time you are going to end up with a baby, you paying for everything, him looking after it, you working every hour god sends to pay for everything. On top of that, I have seen many women on here lose custody to a stay at home dad and they had to pay him maintenance. You do not want this scenario.

Cut your loses, buy him out now if you have to before you start to earn more money or accumulate any assets.

Most people in their 20s aren’t a a doctor

Whatever you don’t have a baby with this man.

I don’t think that this is a healthy relationship. And that’s not wholly on him. It’s just not working.

Neither of you seem able to – or seem to want to – think about the other one in the relationship. He, and his family (though really, for this you need to take them out of the equation), seem to expect you to support him. But you – at least in how you write here - seem to have absolutely no respect for him or his passion.

In a healthy relationship each person wants the other one to be happy. Now of course money comes into things, but fulfilment should too.

I assume that when you say your partner only ‘works’ 20 hours a week, what you actually mean is that he only has 20 hours of paid work? That he works part time for money and spends the rest of the time working on his art. That he ambition is to make his passion his career. Now, of course, if he is only working part time and spends the rest of the time doing sod all, then you absolutely have a point, and he has no leg to stand on. But if you are saying that he is essentially working two jobs, one paid and one not, but that one, with the intention that it might one day become his career, then you are being horribly unfair.

That doesn’t for a moment mean that you have to stay in the relationship. But it does mean that you need to step back and think about what you are asking of him. You are asking him to give up on his dream because you are not willing or able to support him in it. That is a very different thing than moaning about someone not pulling their weight.

My father’s best friend from his university days – way back in the early 70s - was extraordinarily talented. He was set on a career as a writer. Obviously precarious, but he had a plan. He went in to journalism, he was going to start there and hone his skills and then, hopefully, move from there to writing books and such. He got a badly paid position at a local paper and was also getting bits and pieces published elsewhere. Mostly unpaid, but it was a great start. Then he fell in love. His partner wasn’t impressed at the idea of being married to a penniless writer. She made him change careers. He became an accountant and spent his career (he’s retired now) working for the waterboard. They had a decent life. A nice house, a good car, regular holidays, children did well at school. But he was one of the unhappiest people I’ve ever known. He sacrificed his talent and dreams for a dull and safe existence. Like that song, ‘Little boxes on the hillside… and they all look just the same’.

Now, obviously, it wasn’t all his wife’s fault. He had a choice. He could have left the relationship. He could have been brave and chosen to follow his ambition. But too, his wife could have understood. She could have decided that she wanted a happy partner more than a provider. That richness comes from far more than money.

When I met my partner he was midway through a masters degree, turning a passion in to a qualification. He then spent the next five years after qualifying having to work in voluntary and low paid positions, propping it up with temp work and such. Throughout that I supported him financially. At one point, when he was focusing on finishing the degree (which also involved unpaid placements) I told him to give up a bar job and focus on his degree. I paid for everything. Through half of a three year masters and then 5 or so years of professional development and such, I was pretty much the sole breadwinner. But that was fine, because this was his dream and I wanted a happy partner doing something that fascinated him and made him happy and fulfilled. I understood that money isn’t the only thing a partner can contribute to a relationship. Several years later, when his career was established and he was earning a decent salary, he then supported me when I decided I wanted to change careers and re train. I earnt nothing and he became the bread winner. He supported me in fulfilling my passions.

You are a doctor. So, presumably, you spent years and years training. Earning nothing or very little. Building up a huge debt or perhaps being financially supported by family or others. Being a doctor is hard work, but it has the huge benefit of being a profession with rather clear progression and career paths. An artist is not that. It’s about creating, spending time and effort making something and then working on how to get that work out there. There is no career path. There are only possibilities and many, many, dead ends and disappointments. But the potential benefits are wonderful and myriad.

You, to be frank, appear to place absolutely no value on his dreams or on the potential career he might forge. He’s not earning enough and that makes him useless. Why are you with someone who you clearly do not respect? And who’s life goals and outlooks are so vastly out of sync? If you want a partner who wants a ‘normal’ and steady career so that you can have a lifestyle you think you want, then find another partner.

“Little boxes on the hillside
Little boxes made of ticky-tacky
Little boxes on the hillside
Little boxes all the same
There's a pink one and a green one
And a blue one and a yellow one
And they're all made out of ticky-tacky
And they all look just the same.

And the people in the houses
All went to the university
Where they were put in boxes
And they came out all the same
And there's doctors and lawyers
And business executives
And they're all made out of ticky-tacky
And they all look just the same…”

How is that holy shit balls? She is young and that's a high salary to be earning in your 20s. Most people work for many years to even get close to that.

I have to say I am quite shocked by this response, but I’ll reply nonetheless.

Reading my previous posts, you’ll see that I did and have supported DH to pursue his passion. You’ll also see that he does not spend any sustained amount of time or effort on his passion. Outside of his 2 hours a week teaching art, he does zero art. He claims he is tired, or that he doesn’t have any money to buy new materials. I’ve suggested going to air fairs, art galleries, setting up a social media, increasing awareness of his classes so he can branch out. He’s not interested in any of it.

How many artists do you know who work solely on art? My passion in life was always literature, I debated studying it in university but got the grades for medicine, so off I went. My mum quite wisely told me that a passion doesn’t always have to become a career, and more often than not, turning your passion into your career causes stress and takes the joy out of it. Alongside my working week, I still read extensively, I am in a book club (though attendance depends on my shift patterns). My passion is still there.

If DH used his free time to make something of his passion then it would be understandable. If DH lived frugally, was appreciative of the financial support I gave him, contributed in other ways, then I might understand more.

There comes a point when reality sets in and you have to make life work. If he got a full time job, and really wanted to pursue his passion, he’d make it work. If his art then took off and he started making a career of it, then by all means, focus on that.

You cannot live life funded by others on the off-chance opportunity will fall in your lap and you’ll “make it”.

I did accrue a lot of student debt doing my degree. I had no financial support from my family as they couldn’t afford it. I made my life work through hard work alone, why does consistent effort and dedication to a career mean that it’s any “less” than a creative pursuit?

I am wholly understanding of someone’s passions. But I’m not willing to work myself into the ground whilst he pisses about working part time and not even pursuing that passion. How many more years do you give someone to actually make an effort?

This sounds really difficult for you. To give ypu my experience, I married my husband at the same point in my medical career and have always earned more than him, apart from when I was on mat leave. When we were at your stage, with no children, he was working 32 hours a week and I was probably doing about 50 hours (bad old days of junior doctors). I was also studying for professional exams. He was responsible for most of the house maintenance, organising, bills, car etc. We shared the cooking and shopping. We had a joint account that both salaries went into but the deal was that if you were going to spend >£100 you had to discuss with the other person first.
I think the issue for you is not necessarily the lack of money, it's the lack of communication and your husband's reluctance to discuss how you share your life, time and resources. You are likely always going to earn more and being working longer hours than him so you need to be able to talk openly and constructively about how it should work. If he can't engage with that now you need to get out before you have a bigger salary for him to sponge off or before you have children.

It's so interesting that there's another thread live on Mumsnet regarding a woman who hasn't worked for the 60 years she's been on this earth but expects half her husbands pension. Everybody is team her.

When it's a man working part time (more than the woman on the other thread has ever done) he's chastised, called names.

I think they're both absolute wasters to be clear.

Also, children don't come into a conversation with any relevance when they've been left home 25 years.