DH response to me being upset

I thought he responded well given it came so out of the blue, also given ye weren’t sitting down with the time for an in depth conversation

What he said sounds fine? In a different circumstance perhaps with more preperation he could have asked a bit more about how you are feeling or even empathised but for an on the spot response I’d say he did ok. There’s not really a right or wrong in the same way there’s not a right or wrong to how you feel.

Just out of interest did your parents tell you they hated you or is this your perception of rhis time? Did your relationship improve over time?

I might be projecting here but he sounds like he could be a bit weary of it - have you been offloading to him a lot about past trauma a things like this? If he is a different type of person who is more about living in the here and now and trying to be positive, he might find it hard to relate to this kind of thing or know what to say.

He expressed concern about the meditation as he could see it had triggered upset for you; and he said that your parents did really love you. I think he was doing his best!

I sympathise with the husband, he’d just got in and you’re upset over nothing really. His response was fine. You sound like hard work.

@AliceAbsolum I wouldn’t like coming home from a cycle to see my H crying over his parents hating him when he was 14.

Although if he had, I would ask him, has he spoken to his parents about this? And ‘no doubt ‘it was just the difficult teenage years’.

Deep down, if all was good between him and his parents now, I’d be thinking ‘get a grip’.

Agreed. I find this level of introspection fairly self-absorbed, as cruel as that sounds. Of course everyone is different, but expecting everyone to have the same level of patience around it is unrealistic.

I would never be unkind or whatever, but I would probably freeze a little and not know what to do. I’m far more of a practical support person, a solution finder, than a tea and sympathy type. In part, because I hate being the recipient of sympathy or pity, it makes me hugely uncomfortable. So giving that to others doesn’t come naturally to me, I’m far more likely to try to analyse the reason for something with/for you, or go off and do some research on it, or take on a task from your plate or something.

My sister often has bursts of behaviour very similar to your description of yours from today, and my default reactions are never what she wants, I am too ‘cold’, because I try to. Probl solve, or offer another perspective, or a reason to be calmer/more positive.

Do you have kids of your own OP? Until you’ve dealt with a 14 year old yourself, you may not realise how fast and how frequently they can shred your very last nerve. If your parents loved you and wanted the best for you and were not physically or emotionally abusive, your DH may be right that it’s not particularly wise or healthy to ruminate on things in your childhood that may have taken on a disproportionate significance for you. Even in the happiest, most functional families, it’s easy to recount situations where people said or did things that hurt us.

I only mention this because I found I became exponentially more forgiving and sympathetic towards my own parents when I was wrangling mid-teens myself. Anyhow, not the point of the thread …

I agree with everyone who said your DH wasn’t in the right headspace to respond the way you expected him to. When you’re in completely different places emotionally, there’ll always be a disconnect between what one needs and what the other can offer. Nobody is at fault.

I completely agree.

This, some people make this their whole personality… I had a flatmate at uni who was so hung up on being a “child from a broken home”… that it factored on everything.. her parents didn’t hate each other, had just realised they’d grown apart, amicable divorce and post divorce… but flat mate was so naval gazing about its, and so attention seeking with the “trauma” so fucking boring!

To be honest you sound a bit "wo is me' and over emotional. Have a think about what you are actually achieving by ruminating on your past.

I could be massively reading between the lines, but from his response “is that wise?” makes it sound like this has happened before? Have you been upset a lot recently? Maybe he’s thinking “here she goes again with getting upset”? I could be completely wrong, but that’s the first thing I thought of.

What @mtobrokeme said.

If some past trauma is affecting your life, then book some counselling or therapy sessions. Or, if you think he has the skills, take @Arlanymor 's advice, but, truthfully not many of us do have those skills.

If you don't have life destroying trauma, then what are you gaining from the navel gazing ?

He'd just come in from a cycle and was hit with this. He wasn't in a deep and meaningful place ready to soothe your historic hurt. He's not an on demand therapist, he's a normal man.

Sorry you were feeling so sad.

You have every right to feel how you do but dont put it on to others it is draining

The past is the past and what’s done is done. Personally, I think there’s a lot to be said for a British stiff upper lip approach.

I’ll be honest. I don’t have patience for the type of introspection you describe. That’s not to say you shouldn’t be, it’s just to be me entirely pointless. By dragging up things that happened years ago, you’ve spent your Sunday morning sad and pissed off. Then when your husband gave you a perfectly appropriate response, you spent more of your Sunday being pissed off with him. What has this achieved? Has it changed your childhood? No. It’s just ruined your Sunday. What else did you want your husband to say?

I would write to him or tell him - sometimes I need to have emotional releases and let sad stuff out, rather than repressing it which will make me ill or angry. Crying is good as it releases stress. If I’m having a sad moment like that I’m not wanting you to solve my problems (eg by suggesting I don’t mediate or telling me they do love me so I’m wrong that I felt unloved) what I would love from you is you being gentle, giving me a cuddle, check if I need anything, listen to what I have to say sympathetically. I realise this may be different from what you need from me when you’re having a sad or stressed moment and I’d love to know what helps you in those moments too.

Are you also doing productive healthy things? No one ever felt better for too much navel gazing. Have a hot shower, go for a walk, bake bread, sing along to the radio, call a friend, write a list of what you’re grateful for.

You're welcome lovely. I too have things from my childhood that are hard when they resurface. But I have learned that I really do need to create the right conditions to talk about them. I think I can count on one hand the amount of people I have confided in about the really bad stuff and each time that couldn't just be raised on the day, it was something I had to also think hard about first before having the conversation. But I totally get that you were in the moment and things just flooded back. Be nice to yourself tonight, you've had a tough one.

Is ruminating about it actually helping you? It doesn’t seem to be.

Actually @Arlanymor has a much better response!

they didn't hate you all the time they did love you as well"
would you have preferred that he said “yeah they’re total evil shits.. they really did hate you!” ?
Are you doing lots of introspection and naval gazing?