DH response to me being upset

I have very little patience for grown adults who wallow and mope I’m afraid - if you’re struggling because of your past then engage a therapist to help you, don’t sit about at home crying about stuff that happened decades ago:

Why?

if you had a traumatic childhood, you need specialist help

if you're just doing it because you think it's a good idea which a lot of people seem to then stop it's ridiculous

I was sexually abused as a child, and my parents, when they were told, did nothing to stop it. Circumstances recently brought it back into my life, and I discovered that another sibling was also abused at the same time by the same person and that the situation was far worse than I’d thought. I was so shocked after one conversation that I was like a zombie for days, had to cancel a work trip, and lost a stone.

But that doesn’t mean I get to trauma dump on DH unexpectedly, when he has his own stuff going on.

I've had a lot of childhood stuff come up recently

What is causing this, do you think?

Is it the meditation?

Write your childhood experiences and how you feel down, in a book that is for you along. Once its written down and how you felt and feel now about it , it's recorded. You don't need to re read. You could write a letter to your parents - even if not alive obviously. How you felt, how you feeling. How I reasonable and hateful. Do t mince words. It may take time but don't put off and off. Find time and agree tdss your time to do it. Do it, seal it up. It should draw a line under it.

Time and place.

You sound very needy. He's probably fed up with your navel gazing. The only time to look back is to see how far you have come.

You’re right, they are entitled to drag things up to reflect and process. What they aren’t allowed to do is constantly dump it onto other people who are trying to go about their day.

If this is an occasional thing for OP then yes her husband was cold. If, as she implies, this is frequent, then she needs to get a therapist because it’s unfair on the people around her to be throwing this stuff at them the minute they get in the house.

Sure they can do that if they wish
And ruin all their relationships in the process. Because what should.be and what is are different things right? I don't think this lady is endlessly bringing up her past and her DH could have been more sensitive, but people get sick of being an emotional support. Sounds like the therapy she is planning could be helpful.

You sound intense.

I agree but after spending years in the meditation community I can tell you that for people with history of trauma or history of mental illness that meditation can actually be very damaging to the point that it can contribute to psychosis. Pretty much any sensible meditation teacher I think would tell this lady to take a break and get back to her body instead in the form of physical exercise not mental introspection.

Yes it's not for everyone, but meditation isn't about processing the past, it's about being in the moment. Yes, all sorts of thoughts can drift in when your mind is quiet. But the idea is that you let them go. Meditating and musing about a past parental relationship or painful memories are not the same thing.

Depends how much this is happening. One off then yes compassion, if every time he leaves the house he comes back to teenage angst then maybe let him off.

Maybe reflect on what he said, did they hate you or were you all managing hormones and teenage dramas. As the parent of a teen it isn’t always easy.

This is such a cold and horrible post.

People who have experienced traumatic times in their life shouldn’t have to repress their memories. They are allowed to “drag up things” from the past anytime they want if it helps them to reflect and process.

This is so, so true. There is a major movement toward ''processing' the past. But the past has already happened and most of the time we can't change our feelings about it. The best we can do is stop thinking about it and think about and do other things.

If meditation is making you remember and have big feelings over things that happened 20+ years ago, then I agree with your DH that you should stop doing it. I used to live in a buddhist community for a year as a teenager and stayed around the meditation lifestyle for about 3-4 years after that. There are certain people for whom meditation is not good. You might be one of those people. In that case, running, walking or even yoga can be better.

Zero empathy shown by your H.

It wouldn’t have hurt him to give you a hug, would it? He behaved like a robot.

Jeez OP, my sympathy to you.
You're getting a lot of grief on this chat from people that seem to have lived a magical life and don't have any issues to deal with.
I sincerely hope their children never suffer from anxiety or depression.
'Stiff upper lip son, push those feelings down and bottle them up', because that's sure to work .

I think your only mistake was to think that your husband had some level of emotional intelligence and expecting him to put his arms around you instead of dismissing your feelings.

If you haven't already, it's probably better to find a decent therapist because, despite all the talk about mental health being something we should open up about, most people can't handle such conversations.

My husband is on the autism spectrum and says things to me like, “Why would you remember something like that? It was years ago.” Excuse me, but unlike him, I can’t just WILL myself not to remember things. I can choose not to dwell on them too long, but I still remember them. And I am baffled by people thinking that the fact that something that was true years ago is any less true now. Especially, if those things had lasting damage or impact that impinges on the present.

Perhaps your husband was (awkwardly) trying to cheer you up by reminding you that during this time your parents had moments of loving you. In any case, it appears that he is not the sort to emotionally revisit difficult experiences, and so be unaware of nuances and how to respond to you, even with something as simple as, “That must be a very painful memory for you. How can I help?”

Not sure why you were meditating on this painful aspect of your past. I would probably be a bit unsympathetic to that too as it sounds like you are deliberately trawling for miserable memories.

@AliceAbsolum , hey, looking back on shite lives will always leave us feelinh very fragile

I personally dont think he did "wrong: just you were so very raw

Our feelings are not their feelings

Accept your feelings for how they are

💯

I must be make, then, because I find any kind of navel gazing and self victimisation very off-putting.

Gosh I couldn’t stand to live with someone who expected me to participate in their navel gazing to this extent. It’s incredibly dull / draining for the other party, especially if it is a regular thing.

Do consider whether you are so wrapped up in your own self-reflection that you have failed to consider the impact it may have on others.

You need to find a healthy way to process or move on from such historic stuff without it ruining your relationship / weekends.

I don't see that he said anything wrong. He tried to point out a positive. That's not a bad thing. You were determined to wallow, that's not his fault.