DH response to me being upset

It’s normal to not enjoy seeing your partner upset, and if you’re voluntarily sitting around dwelling on things from the past that make you upset, he’s going to find that difficult to understand. If you find such meditating helpful, that’s ok, but it is best to do it away from your partner, otherwise they will get upset because you’re upset, and then you will get upset because they’re upset, and you end up going round in circles.

I think this is really unfair on the husband. It's one thing to expect cuddles and reassurance when something happens that is upsetting but completely unfair to expect this every time OP chooses to jump into whatever miserable memories have made her sad.

Personally, I don't find any value in looking back on abusive situations. My mental health has never been worse than when I was trying to 'work through' all of it. I made a decision to enjoy my life now rather than drag around misery. If OP is making g another choice, that is hers to make but she can't expect her husband to jump into the misery with her every time.

If @AliceAbsolum needs to keep looking at this time she needs to find a therapist to do that with rather than trauma dumping on others.

I'm struggling to find where OP said she 'constantly put them on' her husband?
She was upset and he asked her a question.
I doubt very much she'll be sharing anything painful from her childhood again with her husband who lacks any semblance of emotional empathy.

I think that whoever started the concept of using the word "validation" in relation to feelings should be hung, drawn and quartered

Is it actually helping you mentally to meditate and ruminate over aspects of your childhood to the point that you are crying?
If you feel it is then perhaps seeking a therapist who can help you unpick what you are feeling will help you to feel understood.
I had a less than ideal childhood, I don’t dwell on it because I don’t find it helpful to revisit the topic. I would probably be a little exasperated if I walked in my DH had been sat mediating over things from years ago to the point of crying if I was trying to get on with the day.
Your DH wasn’t unsympathetic he made a comment to try and make you feel a little better, he didn’t tell you to get over yourself and focus on more positive things…

Exactly. Nobody is telling OP to bottle her feelings, they’re just saying they’re a time and a place to mope and wallow, and that expecting your spouse to come home and immediately leap into therapist mode is hugely unrealistic and unfair.

Everyone has problems this isn't unique we just don't constantly put them on others. I have bipolar, eupd, anxiety, depression and suffered csa this is what therapists are for not partners, family and friends. My problems are not other peoples and making everyone around me miserable isn't helpful. This sounds like it might be a regular thing from op. Would you want to live with that.

I agree with you OP. Processing pain and/ or trauma fully, is really important, and some of us don’t get to that point until we’re well into adulthood and recognising the impact of our experiences.

However, in my experience, the average other person in our lives e.g. husband, best friend etc. is rarely the right person to do that with. Definitely look into professional therapeutic support whilst you’re dealing with it, and that may give you the safe space to do the processing. And hopefully, the rest of your life and relationships needn’t be impacted negatively.

Why is that so amusing to you?

OP isn’t incapable of controlling what she says and does. She can wallow on her own if she wants, she doesn’t have to drag everyone else down with her.

I could be arsed with this shit you want to talk to someone about something that happened decades ago and get lots of sympathy pay a therapist that is what they are there for.

My eyes would glaze over and I would react just like your husband. If you want to mope around ruminating on stuff from decades ago, go ahead, but don't try to suck me into it. I don't see why that means you have high emotional standards. Total nonsense.

Gosh. I’m finding the ‘snap out of it, you’ll feel better’ posts a bit lacking in empathy. Perhaps based on their own experience last of someone constantly moping and trauma dumping.

We don’t know that’s what OP does. If I walked in and found my partner in tears, I’d give them a hug. Even if it was happening daily.
If it was constant I’d give them a hug, make them a drink and get on with my Sunday.

I think it’s a bit off hand to just throw in a comment while walking past.

I have done this before and been around people who have been doing it too

and honestly, it’s really annoying to be around (and deal with)
just a constant stream of self pity and looking at things through victim hood
Your husband was right to say what he did, and maybe you should have realised that wasn’t the head space he was in
our generation needs to spend less time on this stuff because we’re all becoming a bit insufferable

I wonder if he rightly or wrongly saw this incident as you voluntarily making yourself upset and that's why he reacted unsympathetically. His reaction wasn't great but he may be reaching the end of his patience if this has happened before and he sees it as you making a choice to do this.

No you shouldn't be expected to repress anything but you need to consider whether this approach is working for you. Remember your partner, even if professionally trained in this, is just a partner. If you're going to lean on him I'd at least try to give some warning as it doesn't sound like he copes well when this sort of situation is suddenly sprung on him.

I hope you can find a healthy way to process all this OP.

I think this is one of the best posts ive ever read on similar threads.

Id never thought about it from that angle before. I dont meditate but I do often think a bit deep about stuff, and feel hurt if I think DP has been dismissive.

I think you need some support for your past that you are clearly struggling with
Your husband is a man he's acted in a normal way so yes you are being unreasonable in these circumstances

OP, it's not your husband's job to be your therapist. He sounds like a nice man, but if you want this kind of validation/support you need to see a professional, who is trained appropriately.

To everyone who has said

"Just stop doing it"

😆😂🤣😭😭😭🤣😂😅

You aren't being unreasonable.

You are being unrealistic in your expectations of your partner, though, I think.

In my area you can self refer for Talking Therapy, which sounds like what you need.

Get some professional help.

Do they have to consider anyone else in this? Is the person they’re with compelled to sit and listen when they unload their trauma any time they want?

You are being very silly

Sure, with a therapist - they don’t just to trauma dump on their loved ones with no consequence whatsoever.

Nah. I’m with him. Just stop doing it if it’s upsetting you. What’s the point?