DH response to me being upset

I think his reaction one many of us would have made tbh. It’s worrying to come home to an adult crying over something that happened at 14. And meditation is meant to be clearing the mind not focusing on the past.

I think you need to meet in the middle and express what you need in that moment as he probably felt confused and worried. Just say ‘I could do with a hug and some love for a minute’ and he’d probably comply. He’s not a mind reader. I’d think my husband was having a breakdown if he was weeping about his teenagerdom.

Agree. I don't think OP's dh did anything wrong so I voted YABU. At the same time, there's nothing to support the notion that OP is typically draining or perpetually sad and needy. Some posters are simply assuming that, then posting as though it were fact.

Nobody’s saying OP should “buck up” but as an adult, you have a responsibility to get yourself help if you’re struggling with your past. You can’t live the rest of your life wallowing and sobbing over things that happened 30 years ago - well, you can I suppose, but people are soon going to lose patience with you if you do.

There comes a point in life where you have to decide not to let your past define you anymore. It’s not about “bucking up” but it’s about coming to terms with whatever happened to you and finding happiness, otherwise, well, you’re letting stuff you can’t change ruin your present and future and that’s just a bit silly.

But she didn’t describe wanting or needing endless support? That seems to have been assumed.

You only have the OPs version of how kind the husband is expected to be, being someone's endless support person is draining, kindness works both ways

No that’s right, a counsellor is different to a partner or friend.

And the OP’s H could have been kinder.

A partner or friend is not a counsellor; that is not their role

Some very harsh, victim- blaming, unsympathetic posters on this thread @AliceAbsolum .

People saying ‘everyone has childhood trauma’ as if that means everyone should ‘buck up’ are clueless. Not all traumas are of equal impact.

Look after yourself.

My parents made it plain as soon as I wasn’t doing exactly as they wanted that they hated me, both in their lives and after their death. What is important is not allowing that shocking behaviour to continue to infect and then affect others. They are not worth it. Yes I have my quiet moments to think and wonder but they will not win by making me do other than my best for all those I love. Lead by example.

I think seeing a counsellor would really help you. It sounds like your husband finds difficulty when you are upset. You could find counselling to be very helpful. I hope you get to the stage where you feel happier.

have you had 14year olds yet op? Some of them, not all, are incredibly hard work. Like nothing you’ve ever experienced before. Many many parents will say the hardest parenting challenge is the teenage years. One of my own dds, was struggling with school friends around that age. I had night after night, week after week, and hour after hour of sobbing over very trivial (in perspective, not hers obviously!) things. One night after listening for hours, I said ‘darling, I’m absolutely exhausted, I need to go to bed now.’ Years later she revealed she felt sad and heartbroken that ‘I didn’t listen to her that night.’ For goodness sake!
now, I know nothing about you or your parents, maybe they were awful. But in the past five years I have known a lot of teenagers who have been hard hard work.
if they were awful, then you need professional help to unpick. It sounds like your dh doesn’t think they were that bad. Have you given any thought what you were like as a teenager? (And note, I’m just raising it, I have no idea).

We all some kind of upset or trauma from our childhoods, but as adults we have a responsibility to help ourselves rather than sit and sob over things from decades ago that we can’t do anything about.

You have no what anyone on here has been through. Just because we don’t decide to cry and trauma dump on our partners the minute they walk through the door, doesn’t mean we haven’t struggled.

@AliceAbsolum you describe your self-reflection on your past as "meditation". I don't know what type of meditation you are doing that is bringing up so many old traumas, but can I suggest that you try mantra meditation or focus on breathwork during your meditation rather than wallowing in past grievances. Meditation where you intentionally stop your mind from drifting to memories or mental images, without judgment gently bringing your focus back to the next breath or mantra utterance when you notice yourself dwelling on something in your past or present. That sort of meditation can bring a lot of peace to a troubled mind. What you describe you are doing is quite the opposite of this meditative process. It may be that your intention is for some reason to recall and relive past hurts, but you want to do that sort of thing within a supportive psychoanalytic environment not on your own where you expect your DH to pick up the emotional pieces.

Does sound a wee bit self indulgent I'm afraid, OP.

dear OP, please don't feel negated or dissed by people who don't understand where you've got to with processing your life experiences. Most people plough on and don't wake up to what's shaped their lives. If you do start to acknowledge that "stuff that happened" was difficult / awful / dire / abusive / painful / lonely, whatever it was, then you start to acknowledge stuff that has shaped you. Many or most people don't do this. If you do do it, then you start to want to be with people who have been a bit more thoughtful and who have trodden your road. You might find doing a bit of counselling / psychotherapy may lead you to the realisation that your are neither mad nor alone.

Are you NC with both your parents op? If not, and you maintain some sort of relationship with them, I can see why your husband felt a bit ‘on the spot’ in casting around for an answer for your, honestly rather odd, comment. It was out of the blue and somewhat melodramatic, so I can understand him feeling on the back foot.
I have to admit, I agree with several of the pps, if you’re doing a lot of this wallowing meditation and introspection, I can see how that would prove hard to handle when it’s thrown at you by your spouse from nowhere on a Sunday morning 😅
Your attitude that it’s either meditation and ‘tonnes’ of time spent on rehashing the past OR mindless scrolling nonsense / an easy life is childish. Plenty of people have truly hard childhoods (and beyond!), myself included, but feel able to not dwell on that, and to instead focus on their current lives, and all the good there. A much healthier outlook imo!

I had a lot of childhood trauma, quite severe. Bad enough that my experiences along with other girls have been the subject of numerous news reports and Tv dramas made from it.

I have a good life though now. If I sat and wallowed meditated about it then I would forever be stuck in the past and why would I want that for myself? Or my husband? Or child? A constant cycle of what happened in the past effecting what’s happening in my future. It’s been and it’s gone. I didn’t push my horrific past away, doom scroll and ‘buy shit’. I threw it as far away as possible and live my life as the person I am now. Not reverting back to the teenage me because that serves absolutely no purpose.

Those aren't the only 2 options, as I'm sure you know.

Honestly OP…I’d be even less sympathetic than that. I have no patience for this type of navel gazing woo stuff.

Sure

What emotional empathy should he show when he walked in the door to his wife crying about something that happened several decades ago?

I’m sorry but we all have shit from our childhood but that doesn’t mean we get to dump it on our partners whenever we fancy.

I mean where OP literally says that she 'rarely speaks to him about what's going on!' might suggest it's a rare occurrence?

It does seem odd to be meditating, which you know upsets you, without really thinking through how you will deal with it.

It's a normal Sunday weekend, were you also looking after the children?

I don't think anyone would be expecting to have a deep emotional conversation at that time.

Honestly, you sound like some therapy would be a good idea.

Or agree a time when you can both dedicate time to a proper conversation, not throw it at him when he's just got home

Im mean there are definitely clues in there that this isn't a one off firstly she's meditating secondly he said they didn't hate you all the time which gives the impression that this conversation as happened many times