My bf had been on the piss since football yesterday and I didnt hear from him all night

I wouldn’t want my kids to witness that. Being drunk is one thing but staying out all night not telling you where he is just isn’t acceptable behaviour as a parent. What happens if one of your children had an accident and had to go to A+E and you couldn’t even get hold of him!? I’d be furious.

It sounds like this was really out of character for him. He’s obviously wrecked after a heavy night, but once he’s in a sensible state you need a calm and open conversation to understand what triggered this. All the speculation in the chat about cheating, drugs etc isn’t helpful to have buzzing around your head - you need an honesty answer from him so you can retain the trust in your relationship and move forwards. Otherwise it will eat away at you and your relationship.

That is bang out of order op.

When he is sober, tell him this doesn't happen again or he is gone.

12:30 until 12pm is practically a full 24hrs. Sure he came home for a little bit in between, but you were still doing all the childcare and work at home. Then ontop of his 24hrs, he went to bed for however longs. So essentially, he left you for almost 2 days to deal with it all on your own.

I don’t think you’re angry enough!
Letting him go out and see his mates, have a drink and watch football is fine. Him being selfish, taking the piss, having no accountability, respect or self control, isn’t.

I would be looking at everything else in the relationship and questioning if a man like this was somebody I wanted to be with.

Its not “one single drunken night” its a huge fuck you to OP to leave her for a whole day with three kids and get arseholed. Its grotesquely selfish.

Why would you not want to LTB?

Put it this way - how is your pension looking? SIPP, of course, since you've no current employment.

Your post is littered with excuses and Get Out of Jail Free cards for him OP.

It's almost like you've been conditioned to accept the bare minimum otherwise you're a nag (clue: you have).

Why does he seem to think childcare is your responsibility and yet because he does 'The Almighty Job' that you should be the one doing all of it while he pisses family money up the wall?

He needs to grow the fuck up, sober up and start doing his bit or you need to end this because it's no life for you nor the kids.

And you've left yourself very vulnerable by not getting married but I'm guessing that's not happening soon so start looking at your options
x

Your issue isn’t that he went out drinking it’s the lack of communication. If he had said it’s a one off i really want to go get drunk and stay out you might have been ok with it.

Going and getting that drunk regularly will hit a nerve as you don’t have that luxury, you can’t just drop everything and leave the kids with him for 14 hours.

It’s the lack of communication that annoyed you and I think once he has sobered up you need a calm conversation explaining your feelings with the hope he might change

Not at all. Benefits as a safety net where needed. The OP is young with the best part of 40 years ahead of her to work and contribute, and raising children who can do the same with the right start.
As a tax payer I'm more than happy to contribute as a temporary support, so women can free themselves, and children can grow up without the tensions and poor role modelling of a man who doesn't take responsibility if that's what that woman wants.
The days of women and children being imprisoned in a bad relationship, at the mercy of a mans choices due to necessity are in the past, due to their entitlements, and I'm very glad about it.
If this was a man who'd respond to a 'conversation' he'd probably not need one in the first place. I'm sure OP will try, but she needs her options if it fails. I'm not going to refuse to advise her of one of them because you don't like it.

I agree. Invariably these type of idiots will have the mother so strung out, that going for a night out is inconceivable.

This is so not the gotcha you think it is…

Yeah OP it’s not normal at all. Please think about your future, he is clearly not reliable and you need to get yourself out of the vulnerable position you are in.

coupled with the anti men brigade, I don’t think the majority of people replying live in the same world as you OP, never mind the real world.

It’s fine for your partner to go to the football & go drinking, whats not fine is the going out and either not telling you before he wouldn’t be back till the next day or letting you know if it was a last min thing

You need to speak to him when he is sober and tell him he needs to do better and communicate, express that had anything happened to you/one or the kids you wouldn’t have been able to contact him.

It’s absolutely OK for you to both have hobbies and to go out, life doesn’t stop because you have kids. You just need to have boundaries and be clear on expectations & to have respect for each other.

the people dragging your life choices, like I say live in a different world, ignore them completely, you asked for advice on the staying out not your whole life

I felt a bit old fashioned when I read original post because I kept thinking “boyfriend?!” “Three kids?!”. It might just be OP’s vernacular but “boyfriend” struck me as very casual for a relationship with three kids. I’m not saying you have to get married, but maybe the “boyfriend” needs reminding that he’s a partner and a father? Not that I’m having a go at OP but I do think with tree kids the relationship needs putting on a more grown up level. ** three kids

LUNARVIPER, i have been you, 3 children by 22. Most people on here are older and have the benefit of experience. The concern for you here is that you are in a very shaky position, you may not think that but believe me you are. Marriage is not just a wedding it is a form of financial security. Today you could be left standing with those children whilst he goes off to play Jack the lad and start a new family. You would be left without a leg to stand on and this has nothing to do with age, you could be 40 and it would still be the same because you are not married. If the house is in his name he could insist you leave with nothing, if you were married he couldn't.
Being married gives you legal standing. If he had an accident tomorrow and ended up in intensive care his parents would be making decisions not you. If he died his parents would be choosing his headstone not you.
Nobody is having a go, they are just trying to make you see how unstable the situation you are in actually is.

If you stick with this guy you are going to have a long, miserable slog of a life.

Not living in real world by not having 3 young children by a neadanthal? By 22

I can't stand the mn all men are evil bastards thing but seriously how many more red flags does one person need

@LunarViper how are you today and have you spoken with him? Some of the comments are very hurtful and not in the spirit of mothers who should be supporting other mothers. It is very easy to judge when you are not involved.
I do think you need to have a serious chat when you are less upset.
You have already said you are happy for him to go to football and have a few drinks afterwards. It works for you and your family and that is all that matters. He did cross a line this weekend and that is unacceptable. Coming home drunk and then making a choice to go out again, staying out all night, coming back in an even worse state and then taking to his bed is not acceptable or in any way good parenting. Make it clear that it cannot happen again and if it does there will be consequences. Mean it when you say it. Your priority has to be to protect your children. He clearly didn't care about you or his children over the weekend.

What a selfish prick he is! He certainly wouldn’t have been left to sleep when he finally rolled in, I’d have given the kids some saucepans and wooden spoons!
I would be totally clear with him that this never happens again and if it does then he’s out. End of.

It is, I agree. But OP has said it’s unusual and he’s never done it before.

No, I would not split up a family with three children and an otherwise good relationship because my partner got too drunk one night. And I suspect the majority of people on this thread wouldn’t either.

A man who goes out for 14 hours leaving his partner with three young children, drinks himself into a stupor and doesn't inform her where he is is not capable of a "good relationship". A man who hasn't considered the need to give his partner the financial protection of marriage is not a good father.

And it wouldn't be the OP who is breaking up the family, it's him.

Listen, the OP is young (far too young to be in this situation). She's got potentially 40 years of work ahead of her to turn this around. She could have a good career and focus on raising her children. She's not going to do with with this waster.

I'm not pretending that leaving him would be easy or that she could do it overnight, it would take planning. But if she doesn't leave him she's going to spend the rest of her life facilitating him to go out on benders and neglect the needs of his children.

Early 20s. So you were born early/mid 00s? And have 3 kids already?? Thats very unusual these days.

Either find someone with a bit of ambition and self discipline or go it alone.
She won't get a man like that with 3 kids...

Hence the need to go it alone..:

He is showing you very clearly what he thinks of you. Don't push that to one side to make his life comfortable, while putting yourself and how you feel and what you need on the back burner.

You're in a vulnerable position financially, unless you've got independent means you've not shared here, and the shitter is that you need to stay with him presumably, because he's in control, because he earns the money and if you split there will be no financial settlement because you don't have a legal contract ie marriage.

I think that's why people are mentioning marriage, not to point out that you haven't got married because it's a nice romantic thing, but because it provides some financial protection should you need to divorce when you have young children because the man you had them with turns out to be a massive bell end.

I had my baby at 18, people told me I'd wasted my life and education. I was actually still in education- took my baby to sixth form with me to finish my studies then started uni when he was 2 1/2 months old. For some reason it shocked people.

mid be tamping by the way if he was my dp! Totally unreasonable to go awol like that. Once he sobers up you need to have a serious discussion about responsibilities.