To think my husband did not go too far and they should just get over it ?

ForFancyNavyLion · 2026-09-20T13:03:10+00:00

AIBU to think my husband did not go too far with the comment? Husband and I have two boys. Our eldest has just started school this September and our youngest isn't even 4 weeks old.When we had our first, DH took 6 months paternity leave because his workplace offers it. He then spoke to work and took another 6 months unpaid. We got used to looking after our son and sharing everything, and honestly it was lovely. My side of family have never really understood it. A lot of the older women in my family made comments about why DH would want to take so much time off and seemed to think it was strange. His family are much more progressive about it. His dad actually said that if he'd had the opportunity to take a year off when his children were young he absolutely would have but it wasn't really a norm back the. Not saying it is the norm now but lots more places are starting to at least offer 6 months paternity. We've now had our second baby and DH is doing exactly the same thing again 6 months paid paternity followed by 6 months unpaid. It works for us financially and more importantly, it's what we've both agreed we want. Last week we went to my aunt's house. She's in her early 80s and was meeting our new baby for the first time.At one point the baby started crying and DH took him from me to settle him. DH too does a lot of the nappy changes, feeds, getting up in the night etc because we're both his parents and that's just how we've always done things.My aunt watched DH with the baby and said to him, "Isn't that your wife's job?"DH laughed and and carried on. Her daughter, who is in her 50s, then joined in and started ranting at DH about how men and women have different roles, how he shouldn't be doing everything for me, etc. DH initially tried to laugh it off but she kept going and eventually he snapped. He told her: "oh fuck off If you focused more on your weight nosey what I do for my family wouldn't matter to you." The room went completely silent. I was honestly shocked. I agree that she was being incredibly rude and I don't think there's anything remotely wrong with DH taking paternity leave or looking after his own children. But I also think bringing her weight into it was completely unnecessary. DH says he doesn't regret saying it because she'd been going on at him for ages and he wanted to shut the conversation down. He also pointed out that she had no problem criticising our marriage and parenting while apparently being offended when he responded. I think he could have told her to mind her own business without commenting on her weight. My family now think DH needs to apologise I have told my mum to just let it go if the aunt and her daughter are that upset about it, its not as though she sees my husband often. This is not the first time someone has snapped at the them, it happened over summer from a different relative.

thepariscrimefiles · 22/09/2026 16:26

SpecialShark · 20/09/2026 17:01

This opinion won't be popular, but your aunt has a good point. Men and women do have different roles. 6 months paternity.... fine, I guess. But his role in that is to care for you and baby while you get into the swing of motherhood.

12 months off is ridiculous and unmanly. Your husband knows it, and she touched a nerve, which is why he bit back. He should apologise for being rude.

Unmanly? What a twatty thing to say. You sound as awful as OP's aunt. If they can afford it, which they obviously can, it's great that he wants to take 12 months paternity leave. Being at home with a new baby can be quite isolating and new mums can feel lonely. OP is very lucky to have such a hands-on husband.

He definitely shouldn't apologise to OP's aunt. Maybe he thought that it was 'unwomanly' of her to get so fat.

PotatoLove · 21/09/2026 16:34

Sounds like your DH finally had enough and clapped back.

Sartre · 21/09/2026 11:26

Both unreasonable. He didn’t need to comment on her weight and I don’t really see how his comment even made sense anyway, if she focused on her weight she wouldn’t be interested in your family set up? She is obviously sexist and out of touch.

roxyro · 21/09/2026 10:50

TheBers · 20/09/2026 16:36

It’s not just the weight comment. Telling someone to “fuck off” is really aggressive. Sad so many posters think it’s normal language.
And the stupid “nosey” comment is the insult of a playground. I’d worry he’s not got the communication skills to bring up children.

I mean all he had to say was he finds the repeated comments on parenting insulting and they need to stop. And follow up with the consequence ie we won’t visit or won’t visit with the kids etc.

Not got the communication skills to bring up children?

I find it hard to believe people like you exist. Do you live in some kind of sheltered bubble?

Toiletbrushanswer · 21/09/2026 09:46

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sittingonabeach · 21/09/2026 09:42

Not all firms offer long period of paid paternity leave but shared parental leave is a thing, so you can split ‘maternity’ leave, but that does mean you won’t be off at the same time

Toiletbrushanswer · 21/09/2026 09:38

Some of these posts are mental.

She kept having a go at him, he eventually snapped. So many posters that need to get off their high horse. Everyone has a breaking post. He reached his and he made a hurtful comment to shut her down. Quite Fking right. MN posters are always saying that CFers get away with it because no one calls them out on it. Your DH did. In a perfect way? Who cares, she is a cnt and he is human. He made a comment that would shut it down and it worked.

It's not just sexism, its insulting his family, in these early days of having a newborn. One comment does not make this a bad guy. He was defending his family.

Why shouldn't the comment have been personal? She was being personal over and over again.

OP your posts are defending him. Cearly you know deep down how you feel about this. You're happy with what he did so ignore and move on

FiveEightNine · 21/09/2026 09:30

ForFancyNavyLion · 21/09/2026 09:24

I understand it is an immense privilege which is why he would rather take the 6 months, some of his friends at work only take 2 or 3 months it is up to the employee how they use their 6 months paternity leave.

I think people on here are under the assumption that all it is is changing nappies and feeds, yes baby is still very little but dh wants to bond with him. He likes being a father, we have not had the easiest time after 4 miscarriages so we feel quite excited to have 2 healthy kids and they are only small for such a short space of time. Our eldest is now at school, that to us went by very fast. How we see it is that they will get into their teens etc and not want to just spend as much time with us, they will want to go out with friends etc so we are trying to make the most of it while we can.

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It is great that he can and want to.

My friends went both part time after six months) and kept it for at least year and half. One working Mon-Wed, the other Wed-Fri, family help one day a week.
They couldn't afford to be both off work, but they both enjoyed spending time with their little one (and she didn't want to be SAHM fulltime, so she prefered this arrangement)

Original poster

ForFancyNavyLion · 21/09/2026 09:27

thatsgotit · 21/09/2026 09:20

'Progressive'? What an odd word to use about a dad who simply wants to be more hands on and involved. And if you're a mum yourself you'll be perfectly well aware there's a heck of a lot more to parenting a new baby, so that's just disingenuous.

What exactly is wrong with OP's family arrangement, in your eyes? I mean in rational terms, rather than bandying around insults like 'unmanly'. I'm curious as to why you seem to be finding this thread so triggering and why you begrudge OP her husband's support.

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I think it is 'manly' to want to spend time with your children. There is only a small window of opportunity then they are at school most of the day and all you are left with is weekends and even that the older they get the more they will want to just hang out with their friends.

I am happy to have an 'unmanly' 'progressive' man, postpartum is difficult so personally for me I will never say no to help. We have experienced multiple miscarriages therefore the children we have we want to spend as much time with them as possible.

OP posts:

Original poster

ForFancyNavyLion · 21/09/2026 09:24

FiveEightNine · 21/09/2026 09:04

I don't see it as "help to change nappies" - I see it as enjoy the time with a new child and do the work needed.

And I see it as an ultimate career success - to be able to take the time of work as you wish and get back when you are ready.
Yes, it is a priviledge, but that doesn't mean he shouldn't use it.

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I understand it is an immense privilege which is why he would rather take the 6 months, some of his friends at work only take 2 or 3 months it is up to the employee how they use their 6 months paternity leave.

I think people on here are under the assumption that all it is is changing nappies and feeds, yes baby is still very little but dh wants to bond with him. He likes being a father, we have not had the easiest time after 4 miscarriages so we feel quite excited to have 2 healthy kids and they are only small for such a short space of time. Our eldest is now at school, that to us went by very fast. How we see it is that they will get into their teens etc and not want to just spend as much time with us, they will want to go out with friends etc so we are trying to make the most of it while we can.

OP posts:

thatsgotit · 21/09/2026 09:20

SpecialShark · 21/09/2026 08:57

Not a man.

You might believe that a father having six months off work, unpaid, to help change nappies is "progressive". I don't.

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'Progressive'? What an odd word to use about a dad who simply wants to be more hands on and involved. And if you're a mum yourself you'll be perfectly well aware there's a heck of a lot more to parenting a new baby, so that's just disingenuous.

What exactly is wrong with OP's family arrangement, in your eyes? I mean in rational terms, rather than bandying around insults like 'unmanly'. I'm curious as to why you seem to be finding this thread so triggering and why you begrudge OP her husband's support.

Original poster

ForFancyNavyLion · 21/09/2026 09:18

SpecialShark · 21/09/2026 08:57

Not a man.

You might believe that a father having six months off work, unpaid, to help change nappies is "progressive". I don't.

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He is doing more than changing nappies as far as I can see, he likes his children last time I checked therefore he would like to spend time with them, our youngest isn't even 4 weeks old.

Husband does more than just nappy changes (Controversial but I can't do all the nappy changes, props to women who prefer it that way but in our house we do all the same things, there's no job that is just specifically for him) He took our eldest to school this morning with our baby so I could have half an hour or so get ready and I do the same towards the end of the week. We both take it in turns for the night feed, most things are shared equally between the two of us, they are both our children.

OP posts:

FiveEightNine · 21/09/2026 09:04

SpecialShark · 21/09/2026 08:57

Not a man.

You might believe that a father having six months off work, unpaid, to help change nappies is "progressive". I don't.

Show quote history

I don't see it as "help to change nappies" - I see it as enjoy the time with a new child and do the work needed.

And I see it as an ultimate career success - to be able to take the time of work as you wish and get back when you are ready.
Yes, it is a priviledge, but that doesn't mean he shouldn't use it.

Differentforgirls · 21/09/2026 09:03

SpecialShark · 21/09/2026 08:57

Not a man.

You might believe that a father having six months off work, unpaid, to help change nappies is "progressive". I don't.

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Why?

SpecialShark · 21/09/2026 08:57

thatsgotit · 20/09/2026 17:45

Unmanly! snort

Seriously, do give your head a wobble. The ‘role’ of a husband in early parenthood, just like the ‘role’ of a wife, is whatever the couple decides between them as the best system for them as individuals, and for their baby.

I haven’t RTFT but it wouldn’t surprise me if you were a man yourself —and a rubbish father to boot—.

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Not a man.

You might believe that a father having six months off work, unpaid, to help change nappies is "progressive". I don't.

HisNibs · 21/09/2026 08:49

EmeraldShamrock000 · 21/09/2026 08:23

How the other half live. Sounds great but it is very far from RL for most people outside of your circle.
DH got two days on both of our children.
I had to go back when my second was 16 weeks as we couldn’t afford to pay the bills on one wage and a small maternity payment.
I wouldn’t advise the above. I had a breakdown.
The youngest is 11, paternity leave = two weeks came into force after in Ireland.

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Absolutely. When my two were born, there was no paternity leave, not even a day. I took 3 weeks annual leave each time and had to get a Director's permission for that since it was more than 2 weeks.

DS had his first earlier this year and got 2 weeks paternity and took 2 weeks annual leave straight after. I thought that was pretty good tbh. Thinking 6 months fully paid paternity is the norm 😆

SpecialShark · 21/09/2026 08:46

Not a man.

You might believe that a father having six months off work, unpaid, to help change nappies is "progressive". I don't.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 21/09/2026 08:23

ForFancyNavyLion · 20/09/2026 21:46

I do think that is a shame. I know not every company offers it but quite a lot of the big companies ie FTSE100 companies. My view might be skewed because of the industry I work in as most of my friends who have children, their husbands all had 6 months paternity. Dhs sister's husband got 9 months paternity fully paid. It would be great if more companies offered 6 months paternity. Dhs thinking is that if it is offered why not take it, he would rather be spending time with his son he enjoyed it when our eldest was still little but now he is at school. We do not plan on having anymore children and time flies 6 months or a year off work is nothing in the grand scheme of things.

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How the other half live. Sounds great but it is very far from RL for most people outside of your circle.
DH got two days on both of our children.
I had to go back when my second was 16 weeks as we couldn’t afford to pay the bills on one wage and a small maternity payment.
I wouldn’t advise the above. I had a breakdown.
The youngest is 11, paternity leave = two weeks came into force after in Ireland.

Quine0nline · 21/09/2026 08:13

It does sound like some on your family are "the man must go down pit and tha wife Maun cook to s of stodge to feed menfolk. Knaw tha place tha knows" traditional, allus has been allus will be. I'm not going to ask their opinion on Brexit, asylum seekers of benefits. I suspect I know.
Challenge bullies, don't take bullying. - get in the bullies face.

Original poster

ForFancyNavyLion · 21/09/2026 08:03

Ayarreet · 21/09/2026 00:32

Bullshit.

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Okay? I can only speak on my own experiences for the last 4 years being parents and how we have navigated that with work and what is best for our family.

OP posts:

jeaux90 · 21/09/2026 07:48

I mean he did kind of windmill into that but sounds like they deserved it.

phoenixrosehere · 21/09/2026 07:41

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 21/09/2026 07:24

@DarkSunshine @Makebelieveanotherlife @Coconutter24

I’m sorry my post wasnt clear enough - the ‘positive’ I was referring to was the approach that OP and her partner are taking to joint parenting. Such a shame that he didnt double down on the benefits of their approach and instead chose to make a personal insult.

He already has in the past repeatedly.

Once again there is always higher expectation and what the victim should have done than the actual bullies and then people wonder why people get away with poor behaviour for so long/

This would be the last straw for me and I wouldn’t go near the two again. They obviously think they can treat people however they want and their opinions matter on something that has nothing to do with them.

OP you and DH feeling sorry for them and continuing these visits is enabling their behaviour as is other family members not pulling them up on it.

They’ve had many years to mature and learn to keep their opinions to themselves. They won’t be alone if you stop visiting since they’ll have each other and the people still willing to tolerate them.

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 21/09/2026 07:24

@DarkSunshine @Makebelieveanotherlife @Coconutter24

I’m sorry my post wasnt clear enough - the ‘positive’ I was referring to was the approach that OP and her partner are taking to joint parenting. Such a shame that he didnt double down on the benefits of their approach and instead chose to make a personal insult.

deadbobaplace · 21/09/2026 01:05

If she hadn't been whining about her weight prior to bitching about other people's life choices then he wouldn't have gone there.You goad sleep-deprived people, chances are you're going to end up being verbally abused. Pretty much a self-inflicted wound.

Ayarreet · 21/09/2026 00:35

ForFancyNavyLion · 20/09/2026 21:46

I do think that is a shame. I know not every company offers it but quite a lot of the big companies ie FTSE100 companies. My view might be skewed because of the industry I work in as most of my friends who have children, their husbands all had 6 months paternity. Dhs sister's husband got 9 months paternity fully paid. It would be great if more companies offered 6 months paternity. Dhs thinking is that if it is offered why not take it, he would rather be spending time with his son he enjoyed it when our eldest was still little but now he is at school. We do not plan on having anymore children and time flies 6 months or a year off work is nothing in the grand scheme of things.

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That's nice, dear.