To feel jealous of the dog

I wouldn’t speak to you either if you opened the curtains at 7:30 am. By all means, get up and get on with your life, but deliberately waking him up when you know he’s had a late night is incredibly inconsiderate. I can see your issues with the dog. My guess is, first of all he simply likes dogs, and secondly, dogs give unconditional love and acceptance. No one is happier to see you when you come home.

Have you discussed this with him in a non confrontational non critical way? Ask him to help you understand his point of view. Do not get defensive, he’ll shut down. Simply ask for insights. Then, take time to consider what he’s said and go forward from there.

I'm going to defend the OP on the curtains thing. I'm a late to bed late to rise person and my DH is early. If he knows I need to be up early he will open the curtains at an appropriate time for me as it helps me wake up, and I appreciate it. He's also brings me a cup of tea in bed though so that helps.

It sounds lovely ke he is introverted and like his own company whilst You're extroverted.

It's hard to understand each other's needs but ultimately, it's important to find a compromise.

Can't believe the OP started her post "we get on fine" before describing a toxic, loveless marriage from hell over the course of the post and all her updates.

You don't love each other, you don't like each other, you don't respect each other. He pampers the dog because that's the only loving relationship in the house.

then I realised we had very little in common once we moved in together. But we made a go of it

You probably don't need us to tell you this was a mistake, but this was just... never a relationship that was going to work. It's not a marriage where there was once love and compatibility, and with effort you can find your way back to it. There was never compatibility, there was never a good foundation.

What you do with this information is up to you, I guess.

The dog can't be only one persons 'hobby' in a house full of adults teens and children.. I'm understand why he wants time alone with the dog if you are viewing the dog as hobby.

That is so sad 🙁

Dogs don't think on a loop like we do, they do however know people and situations and the dog clearly needs the mental stimulation, the dog won't understand in the moment why it's in your house, he will know it's home but if everyone is ignoring the poor thing until OH comes home, yeah the dogs going to focus on the situation and the person who brings love and cuddles and food and walks.

Fixating on the poor dog alienates me somewhat, the poor thing can’t help your mutual contempt and dogs offer unconditional love that’s needed if you’re in a loveless marriage. I think you’re better off apart.

The curtains would cheese me off a lot, although if you needed to be ready by 8.15, I can understand to some degree. Perhaps don’t give yourselves so much pressure on a Sunday morning or you take child to football if you are up early. Thats what my partner would do. Otherwise life’s too short for such misery and maybe you are both unhappy and need a change!

Was the room you opened the curtains in the room he was still asleep in?! I would be seriously naffed off about that!

It’s the 3 DC I feel most sorry for

I feel sorry for both of you. You don't seem like bad people, just deeply unhappy and simply incompatible, and you persist in making each other even more miserable "for the children".

This 100%.

Personally I couldn’t get past the ‘ffs shut up’ comment. It shows a complete lack of respect for you which I couldn’t live with.

You have admitted that you have not been perfect in all this OP but your husband’s behaviour is unforgivable. The obvious lack of any sort of care or affection towards you is hurtful and isolating. I would find it hard to live with the loneliness and as the children begin to move away from home, things will get worse.

Yet in spite of all this you seem to still love him? So I would be wanting to speak to him about the situation and asking what he wants to do. Is there a way forward? Would he go to couples counselling? If he admits that he no longer loves you then really there is no future and you would be better off apart.

A conversation needs to be had.

He won't go abroad as dog can't come (so I take the kids on holiday). And if I take the kids away for a week (I get school holidays so do all the childcare) then he often forgets to contact me all week and it's only me contacting him. He insisted on renovating the bathroom himself (after I wanted to pay to get someone to do it) and a year later we still have no main bathroom

This is terrible. Sounds like another man who did the wife and kids thing because society/upbringing told him too but he doesn’t actually enjoy family life and children etc.

Do you work OP? If you can afford it pay to get the bathroom finished . Don’t tolerate his BS.

Exactly, I would find the curtain thing annoying especially as someone who can be sensitive to bright sunlight but it doesn’t compare to his lack of regret for OP.

Some people are so stuck on the curtain open they’re ignoring everything else her husband does. Absurd.

Op the way he treats you is vile. It’s nothing to do with the dog. He doesn’t like or respect you or maybe just women in general.

I think everyone’s being really harsh on you. I actually think this sounds awful and I couldn’t be with a man like that. He’s cold and critical yet doesn’t do anything to help you. He gives more love to the dog, which isn’t actually a reason to hate the dog, but it just makes it more obvious of the lack of affection he shows to you. Honestly one week in your marriage I’d be having palpitations. I’d honestly take a long look at your life and think how did we get here. He obviously has bad feelings towards you - were you once affectionate/ in love with each other? Is there any way of getting back to that? If not then I don’t see how you can live like this

If you'd woken me up by opening the curtains at 7.30am on a Sunday when I was still asleep I wouldn't have spoken to you either! Massively selfish of you.

Seriously @TwinklyAmberSloth read back through your posts , this is not a happy marriage or a happy home to raise your children in .

OP he sounds horrible. Read your posts back he ignores you and his kids and sulks or shouts when you call him out. He has no interest in the same things you do. Tbh the way he cares for his dog is his only redeeming feature in my view.

Exactly
this sounds like one of the most unhappiest toxic family environments I can recall on Mumsnet

what must life be like for your kids @TwinklyAmberSloth ? This is what they will benchmark relationships against

Is that what it is, at its core, kids drove you to stay together, and money is keeping you together?

I understand you’re listing all his faults, showing your deep unhappiness, and I’d hazard a guess he’s not feeling the love to you either.

youve both got yourselves into this situation, but if you can’t afford to live seperately to one another, and I’m not sure why you can’t, you both work, then just accept the marriage is done and you house share.

You talk about him being 'cold' yet the way you spoke about his grief was freezing. Have a look at yourself before criticising him. Even the curtain opening suggests a complete lack of basic human thoughtfulness. Just leave him for both of your sakes.

What is it that you actually want him to do with you though OP?

In the evenings you play piano with headphones on or you read. Great as you like those things but they aren’t social activities at all so he can’t be involved.

He likes watching tv and you can’t do that because you need volume up or subtitles and those features ruin the enjoyment for him. Both opinions on that fair enough but incompatible.

So, fundamentally if you both just like totally different things and actively can’t join in with what the other likes to do then how do you want to spend more time together?

Just sounds like the relationship has run its course to be honest!

Do you think he would actually want 50-50 custody if you split? Is that what is making you rule out splitting up, indicating the need for two houses?

This is a man who can't be bothered to feed his children when they are in his care, do you really think he would want to take on the responsibility of care 50% of the time?

Would your children even want to spend that amount of time with him?

Find out your options and list the pros and cons of remaining as you are and then decide what is best for you and your children in both the short and long term. Don't just resign yourself to this bleak existence for the next however many years.

If you do decide to remain with him work out a better way for you to do so. Accept you are just two people sharing living accommodation but have separate and independent lives and sort out plans and routines to reflect that.

I don’t think his behaviour is normal either, nor are you coming across as irritating; rather you’ve been trying a number of ways to make some semblance of family life and he’s not reciprocating.