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Asked my Ex to buy a second pair of school shoes

104 replies

Blackraven17 · 20/09/2026 11:22

My daughter is with me 60 percent of the time, 40 with her dad.
last year I was constantly getting phone calls late at night asking for her school shoes when she was staying at his and needing them the next day. I suggested several times he buys a second pair to have at his and he never did.
this year I took her get her shoes and she has reached a age where she is extremely fussy, we must of tried on about 30 pairs. Finally found a pair of hush puppies she approved of and found comfortable.
i sent him the link and said can you please purchase a pair so she always has a pair to wear whatever house she is in which we know she will like. He begrudgingly bought them.
he is now kicking off at me this morning as she has gone to his with school uniform for tomorrow and has MY pair of shoes not his, the ones he specifically bought. They are the exact same pair of shoes..
claiming it was a waste of money and he shouldn’t of had to buy any. FYI I buy 99 percent of her belongings and he has no issue in me buying her a phone etc and taking her on holidays etc, where he can’t be bothered to and would rather spend the money he has ( he is not struggling) on himself and his new partner on weekends away etc, he has never once suggested doing that for his daughter even before his partner was around.
I have said if he is that worried he can come over and swap them. Am i unreasonable to have suggested he bought a pair?

OP posts:
DaisyChain505 · 20/09/2026 11:58

Why is your daughter ringing you when she’s at his and realises she doesn’t have her shoes. Surely she should have let him know and he is the parent who has to fix the issue. (Come to yours to get shoes)

BriarTime · 20/09/2026 11:57

Blackraven17 · 20/09/2026 11:49

Indeed he is. There is no amicable relationship which I think is the issue behind the shoes. He resents buying anything that he feels I will benefit from at all. I fail to see how shoes that she can only wear and use, is an issue. He had no issue in me buying her shoes every single year

Tale as old as time. My father was the same and made sure I knew about it. He doesn’t think he should have to do anything from which you ‘benefit’ now that you’re no longer together, but it’s perfectly OK for him to benefit from you doing the mental load. Some men just hate their exes more than they love their kids. It’s not even about the shoes, it’s about the fact that he can’t separate the idea of you as his ex from his daughter.

Blackraven17 · 20/09/2026 11:56

QPZM · 20/09/2026 11:53

The issue is you don't feel your pre teen should be responsible for remembering her own shoes 'because she's a child'.

When is the responsibility going to start?

Fair enough she forgets them but she also 'forgets' to ask her dad to stop at your house on the way to school when they're passing?

Nah, come on OP.

Sorry but I do think her 40 year old father should be the one held responsible until she is no longer a child and under his care quite frankly .
she has enough to worry about without having to cart heavy school shoes to and from school .

OP posts:
QPZM · 20/09/2026 11:53

Blackraven17 · 20/09/2026 11:49

Indeed he is. There is no amicable relationship which I think is the issue behind the shoes. He resents buying anything that he feels I will benefit from at all. I fail to see how shoes that she can only wear and use, is an issue. He had no issue in me buying her shoes every single year

The issue is you don't feel your pre teen should be responsible for remembering her own shoes 'because she's a child'.

When is the responsibility going to start?

Fair enough she forgets them but she also 'forgets' to ask her dad to stop at your house on the way to school when they're passing?

Nah, come on OP.

Blackraven17 · 20/09/2026 11:49

Puffalicious · 20/09/2026 11:47

You're not wrong in that some men will do anything to avoid paying for extras. I was lucky as exH always bought extra wellies/waterproofs/outdoor gear/ rugby gear for both DC to be kept at his. Practical.

However, I think 2 pairs of school shoes is uneccesary. We managed all the school years with uniform/ shoes/bags/ homework packed & handed back washed & ready. I always bought more uniform than needed as a backup, but I have 3 boys & was pass downable.

Now you've bought them, how petty of him to say she has yours & not his. I imagine he's an arse in many ways?

Indeed he is. There is no amicable relationship which I think is the issue behind the shoes. He resents buying anything that he feels I will benefit from at all. I fail to see how shoes that she can only wear and use, is an issue. He had no issue in me buying her shoes every single year

OP posts:
Puffalicious · 20/09/2026 11:47

You're not wrong in that some men will do anything to avoid paying for extras. I was lucky as exH always bought extra wellies/waterproofs/outdoor gear/ rugby gear for both DC to be kept at his. Practical.

However, I think 2 pairs of school shoes is uneccesary. We managed all the school years with uniform/ shoes/bags/ homework packed & handed back washed & ready. I always bought more uniform than needed as a backup, but I have 3 boys & was pass downable.

Now you've bought them, how petty of him to say she has yours & not his. I imagine he's an arse in many ways?

Blackraven17 · 20/09/2026 11:46

FiveEightNine · 20/09/2026 11:46

Ok, if the one shoes - one home system generally works and you are happy about it and this situation was an exception, put on a straight face and issue a small apology - sorry didn't check/realize, let's switch at the (earliest convenience).

You want to encourage keeping the system, and actually following the system is part of that.

I have said he can come over and swap the pairs if it’s an issue.. I just personally find it a bit pathetic . Not like anyone else in the household is going to be wearing them

OP posts:
Blackraven17 · 20/09/2026 11:46

Blushingm · 20/09/2026 11:43

Does she have 2 pairs of trainers for pe too? 🙄

She has multiple trainers as she wears them a way on non school days so not really the same

OP posts:
FiveEightNine · 20/09/2026 11:46

Ok, if the one shoes - one home system generally works and you are happy about it and this situation was an exception, put on a straight face and issue a small apology - sorry didn't check/realize, let's switch at the (earliest convenience).

You want to encourage keeping the system, and actually following the system is part of that.

QPZM · 20/09/2026 11:44

Blackraven17 · 20/09/2026 11:38

To be fair what would be of more importance to you as a pre teen?

How old is the pre teen exactly?

And what does importance have to do with it?

She knows she needs her school shoes and as you say, they even drive past your house.

Blushingm · 20/09/2026 11:43

Does she have 2 pairs of trainers for pe too? 🙄

Blackraven17 · 20/09/2026 11:38

QPZM · 20/09/2026 11:35

It's a waste for anyone to buy a second pair of expensive Kickers rather than encourage the child to take responsibility.

Let me guess, she doesn't forget her phone?

To be fair what would be of more importance to you as a pre teen?

OP posts:
Blackraven17 · 20/09/2026 11:37

TwinklyAmberSloth · 20/09/2026 11:28

If you can have sex and make a baby together then you can coordinate the simple task of sending a child to the correct house with a pair of school shoes.

So YABU and insisting on a second pair was a waste of money.

It all sounds rather pathetic and the three of you need to be more organised.

My problem is that if I didn’t send them or co ordinate in time or god forbid, I went out or was at work etc he wouldn’t think Independently to collect them despite driving past my house on the school run. So I would get late txts which is a pain in the arse . I don’t feel it is my daughters problem to have to think about as she is a child

OP posts:
QPZM · 20/09/2026 11:35

Blackraven17 · 20/09/2026 11:33

But only a waste if it’s him buying them?

It's a waste for anyone to buy a second pair of expensive Kickers rather than encourage the child to take responsibility.

Let me guess, she doesn't forget her phone?

Blackraven17 · 20/09/2026 11:35

Cantthinkofanewusernameffs · 20/09/2026 11:34

Are both pairs of shoes at yours? If so, it makes your reason for buying a second pair mute. Your daughter still has to remember to take a pair with her.

Which isn't to say your ex isn't being a dick.

Only on this occasion as there was a change to her school pe days time table last week

OP posts:
pinotnow · 20/09/2026 11:35

It's not as simple as remembering though - depending on when and where drop-offs and handovers are taking place it can mean kids having to take stuff with them to places they don't need it. It's just a pita and if it can be avoided, it should be. Kids don't ask for parents to get divorced, and I'm not saying that to make the OP feel bad as I'm in that position myself. Life is hard enough and if people can afford to spend more to simplify it a bit then they should. It sounds like this man can afford it but just resents spending money on his dd and loves any opportunity to have a moan at the OP.

Blackraven17 · 20/09/2026 11:34

AndAllOurYesterdays · 20/09/2026 11:33

What do you do about the rest of the uniform? How does that travel between houses?

He provides his own. So I assumed that he could provide his own shoes too

OP posts:
Blackraven17 · 20/09/2026 11:34

Gettingbysomehow · 20/09/2026 11:29

This is how petty men are when it comes to prising money out of them for their kids. Unless an item is for them they arent interested.

Exactly. I resent being the default parent for absolutely everything and making sure she is equipped with everything and he begrudges and causes a fuss over a £40 pair of shoes for his only child

OP posts:
Cantthinkofanewusernameffs · 20/09/2026 11:34

Are both pairs of shoes at yours? If so, it makes your reason for buying a second pair mute. Your daughter still has to remember to take a pair with her.

Which isn't to say your ex isn't being a dick.

AndAllOurYesterdays · 20/09/2026 11:33

What do you do about the rest of the uniform? How does that travel between houses?

Blackraven17 · 20/09/2026 11:33

missperseverance · 20/09/2026 11:30

sorry it does seem like a waste of money buying two pairs, they can be expensive 🤷‍♀️

But only a waste if it’s him buying them?

OP posts:
Blackraven17 · 20/09/2026 11:31

Blackraven17 · 20/09/2026 11:31

This was exactly my thoughts. To take the stress away from our daughter having to remember etc

Oh and cause apparently he had written her name in his pair but I can’t say I had noticed

OP posts:
QPZM · 20/09/2026 11:31

pinotnow · 20/09/2026 11:28

It's very difficult for kids logistically living between two homes (mine do so I'm speaking from experience). Anything that can be done to make it easier should be done, by both parents. YANBU - how does he even know it's not the pair he bought if they are the same?

Or the 3 people in involved can just remember a pair of school shoes.

Blackraven17 · 20/09/2026 11:31

pinotnow · 20/09/2026 11:28

It's very difficult for kids logistically living between two homes (mine do so I'm speaking from experience). Anything that can be done to make it easier should be done, by both parents. YANBU - how does he even know it's not the pair he bought if they are the same?

This was exactly my thoughts. To take the stress away from our daughter having to remember etc

OP posts:
missperseverance · 20/09/2026 11:30

sorry it does seem like a waste of money buying two pairs, they can be expensive 🤷‍♀️

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