Asked my Ex to buy a second pair of school shoes

Of course it’s not a waste of money having 2 pairs of school shoes that are worn every day for long periods in all weathers.

As a poster pointed out, men don’t think anything spent on themselves is a waste of money but begrudge a child the shoes on their feet and the coat on their back. Cunts.

Oh my goodness, they are dicks.
The less communication the better, buying an extra pair of shoes is a small price to pay if it limits communication.

It is surely hard for DC to move between two houses and having a second pair of school shoes seems sensible.

My two often forgot things at 9-12 and they were in this house full time. They got better and apart from one cockup before a DofE expedition they were fine by 14-18.

OP, your Ex is petty and unpleasant.

Sorry, but I find it utterly bizarre that you would think she needs two pairs of the exact same school shoes. It just doesn't make any sense to me. Why would she need two instead of just sending the shoes to his house, especially when she is clearly going to his on school days when she is already wearing school shoes?

I completely get your point about him not buying enough stuff for his daughter, and your point in that department is valid. But a better way to go about it would have been to get him to buy school shoes, not to buy a second pair of school shoes.

All you've done here is give him ammo so he can bang on about how unreasonable you are making him fork out for things she doesn't need.

Is a spare pair of school shoes the new gateway drug or something?

Fair enough I'll leave it then.

But best of luck with the teenage years.

Apologies, missed that one. In that case yes, he's being ridiculous!

I think what you did is sensible given his multiple requests in the past.

My DD and the two kids next door spend a lot of time in and out of the two houses and shoes, coats and keys do end up in the wrong one.

I can't imagine how annoying it would be with physical distance and a hostile ex!

If she always leaves the shoes by the respective front doors when not in use, it's easy.

I think this is unfair. Children do not ask to be split between two homes and have a whole load of logistical crap handed to them at a very young age. I teach teens and frequently deal with missing equipment because its at one or other house. Its not reasonable to ask kids to have adult levels of organisation and equally unfair for one of two parents to shoulder the load entirely. I have an ex who was equally infuriating about this sort of thing and it is incredibly wearing. My only suggestion OP is that maybe the second pair could have been a cheap back up and the 'consequence' of your dd forgetting them is not getting to wear the Kickers for a day, which might aid the process in future.

If she's gone with the wrong pair, that suggests they were both at your house, so it was an entirely pointless exercise anyway. YANBU to expect him to buy school shoes, but YABU to think they needed to be an extra pair if the set up means they still go between houses anyway.

I don’t know why you’re getting a hard time, OP. It seems a perfectly sensible idea to have additional shoes/uniform etc when a child has two homes, regardless of said child’s age. It sounds as if your ex can afford to provide the extra pair so I don’t know what some posters are getting their knickers in a twist about.

What exactly do I want to do with it?

Or is she in senior school so you're a bit reluctant to say?

Either way, any preteen and the two adults responsible for them should be able to take responsibility for remembering a pair of shoes.

Incidentally, what would you all have done if there was no money to throw at the problem?

I'm confused by the response you're getting here. I always buy my children two pairs of school shoes. I would hate to have to wear one pair day in day out. Yanbu , your ex can buy a pair of sodding shoes.

During the brief period before I got full custody of DS I couldnt let DS take anything to his fathers as he wouldnt let DS bring it back. Clothes, toys, gaming stuff all stolen by ex as bargaining tools.
It was exhausting. Neither would he get him clothes, shoes or uniform or christmas and birthday gifts and he refused any maintenance. Id asked him what he'd eaten and he'd say dad gave me some bread instead of a proper meal after school. His father always slept in so he didnt have breakfast either and was always late for school. He'd come home unwashed with teeth unbrushed.
After a year of this I was awarded full custody.

yours AND his. between the two of you. communicate.

If DD is with you, then YOU need to make sure the shoes are in her bag. If DD is with him then HE needs to make sure the shoes are in her bag.

So what would be different if it were a pair of trainers? How does the style of shoe change the discussion?

@QPZM You are being so unreasonable - I wonder are you speaking from personal experience as a child or adult? My dc are 19 and 17 now and still split time between the two homes. Over the years we have had some frank conversations and ds1 especially has made me realise what it's been like for them going between the two houses. Not awful and life-destroying, but logistically difficult and a pita in some ways, and something that neither ex nor I have had to experience. My ds isn't entitled at all - he's hard-working, responsible and helpful, but I'll continue to do all I can to make the transitions smooth for them.

It doesn't matter if this child is 8, 9, 10 or 11, she shouldn't have to be more responsible than a 40 year old man for organising her life. My dc often felt they were more on it than their dad, who they are fond of but describe as 'not really a parent.'

Suggestion - can you write ´Dad’ or whatever in the pair you bought too and then whichever pair end up at his house he’ll think it’s the pair he paid for.