Asked my Ex to buy a second pair of school shoes

I don’t see how a second pair of shoes solves the problem?

It’s just as easy to end up with 2 pairs in one of the houses as it is to forget a pair in the first place?

She goes to dad’s from school wearing one pair of shoes, leaving pair 2 at mum’s. Returns to mum’s wearing pair 1, then goes to dad’s on a Sunday leaving both pairs at mum’s? You still have to remember school shoes?

No, the OP is more about the pettiness of her ex wanting HIS pair of identical shoes in the bag. Honestly, when you do 99% of bloody everything and the only thing your ex ever comments on is one the thing you occasionally mess up, it gets very v wearing.

I’m not one to defend the Men at all costs and for what it’s worth him wanting ‘his’ shoes is ridiculous.

However, your OP reads like you keep forgetting the shoes and are fed up of getting messages telling you you forgot the shoes.
Instead of putting something in place to fix the problem that you forgetting them creates, you want your ex to fix it by buying extra shoes.

Well done you. You do realise that the OP could be the most reasonable, calm, polite person in the world and her ex, or mine, could still be an absolute jackass about socks, hairbrushes, whatever. It doesn't always take two to argue.

‘Pre teens’ shouldn’t be having phones.

It’s a pity that both parents cannot sort this out amicably. It’s not your child’s responsibility at her age (9?) to ensure everything she needs is packed. Myself and my ex managed very well to make sure everything she needed for school got packed. We did have our own sets of uniform but coats and shoes travelled between houses. Her swap over day was Saturday, so on Friday night I would get her bag packed and leave it by the front door.

Ex sounds awful OP. I’m also completely baffled by posters on here who don’t understand why it’s helpful to have two pairs of shoes in this situation - maybe just ignore them (particularly the one obsessed with knowing your child’s exact age!)

The people drilling down about the child’s organisational skills or giving the OP a hard time about her organisation clearly have never had to navigate this situation.

Carrying school shoes around in a school bag (plus whatever else they need) makes it extra heavy for a preteen, so why make them have to do that when you can avoid it?

At this age it’s completely normal to sometimes forget things. Going between two homes plus school and bringing everything you need is complicated. It adds a lot to the cognitive load for an adult, let alone a child. It seems very unfair to suggest the child should have to suffer stressful consequences, like getting into trouble at school, in order to have organisational skills knocked into them earlier than would be expected of a child in a two-parent home.

Also co-parenting with someone like this is incredibly hard and finding ways to reduce the need for communication is definitely a good idea. Having doubles of items is helpful for this and usually takes stress off the child (except in cases like this where one parent is determined to make a fuss).

OP, it sounds like you are finding ways to support your child and take some of the burden away. Of course if all was on the up and up the father should be doing the same automatically and shouldn’t be making communication harder by being controlling about the shoes. However I doubt it is worth saying anything as he won’t take it on board.

As someone who has a co-parent who often 'loses' our child's things, YANBU and he is BU.

No idea why you're getting such a hard time for asking him to buy a pair of shoes, I did exactly the same with my ex! Though at least mine doesn't insist that only 'his' things go to his house, the point is that our son has extra of everthing just in case. And, yes, I tell my son to be more careful with his stuff at his dad's, but he's a kid and his dad is the adult, so his dad is more responsible in my eyes.

I didn't spot this one I skimmed through earlier but fucking hell! I've never felt such a strong ick for a man I have never, and will never actually know 🤣

Imagine meeting a bloke, being pleased he's not a deadbeat when he bigs himself up as dad of the year, but then spotting "bought by daddy" written on stuff.

You can tell who’s not had to attempt to co-parent with an asshole!

I sometimes wonder who the children are

Surely she’s wearing the shoes straight after school though?

This. It's such a shame.

IF you can find it in you, and only IF, I've found it's very effective to deal with arseholes in life by killing them with kindness: be very nice but firm to his face & punch a cushion behind his back. Because if you fight he'll justify his arsiness as you being the difficult/firey one.🤷

How is daughter traveling between homes? If it's by car/a direct walking or public transport journey then it's easy enough to have the shoes in the car. If she's going multiple places on a day and having to carry lots of stuff then the shoes could be a burden and two pairs makes more sense. But otherwise I don't understand why the shoes are not being added as part of whatever general packing she does to go to Dad's. As a pre teen she's really at the point she should be taking some responsibility for doing that, with the help of a checklist. You can support if she's regularly forgetting things. But at her age I do think she should be taking some responsibility for her own things.

It feels like this is more about the, legitimate, frustration you have with your ex, and it's getting transferred into he should buy superfluous shoes.

Why do you keep forgetting to pack your child’s shoes?

You see teaching children responsibility as an 'obsession'?

That's quite odd.

She forgets her shoes (fine) and then realises when she's getting her uniform on, doesn't tell her dad and then still doesn't tell him when they're passing your home on the way to school.

And you think that's fine 'because she's a pre teen'?

That's up to you but seeing others who don't think it's fine as being 'obsessed' is quite strange I think.

There are enough adults to help her remember and lets not forget, she and her dad pass the OP's house on the school run.

She knows she doesn't have her shoes when she's getting her uniform on. She doesn't tell him then or when they're driving past her house.

How is that 'hard'?

She's of an age where she needs to learn to take responsibility but the OP disagrees 'because she's a child'.

Well she'll still be a 'child' when she's forgetting her PE kit, her lunch, her homework and all the other things she'll need to be responsible for up to the age of 18.

Well no it’s not.

if your child is 3 it’s very different from 17