To tell my mum I’m not taking her on holiday again?

She doesn’t seem to want the kids, just OP to be her companion maid.

Could you get a wheelchair from the hotel if she finds it difficult to get to the beach? Didn't anyone consider her mobility problems before you went on the holiday? I don't know why you assumed she would be happy to spend a lot of time alone when she specifically wanted to see the children on holiday.

My DM (68, no health issues to speak of, who copes with life just fine at home or travelling alone) does not consider it a holiday unless she is being waited on hand and foot by adoring minions. So we no longer go on holiday together. Because I would not be having any sort of holiday. Even leaving her to go to the loo is a source of stress. I have to be stapled to her side, meeting and anticipating every need as she flails and wails to everyone else about how she can’t manage and how cruel I am. A day trip is fine, she will be a reasonable human being. But the word “holiday” seems laden with expectations of service. Even when I had a newborn baby. So we don’t do it.

but she lives alone!

I missed the '63' in the OP, until someone pointed it out. I'm sorry, but she sounds ridiculous. Many people are still working full time at that age. If she lives alone and presumably manages to dress herself etc why does she suddenly need OP's help to do so? Although she has mobility issues nothing OP has said suggested she has any mental decline so why on earth does she need OP's help checking menus and sorting her meds and getting her a drink abroad, when she doesn't at home? Why is she refusing to be left alone for an hour or two at the bar or in her hotel room to watch tv while OP and family go for an evening walk when again, she lives alone so does exactly that most other evenings?

She was the one who said she wanted to come specifically on a family holiday to spend time with her grandkids and is now going back on that and demanding OP's full attention. If she wanted to go on holiday with just OP to spend some time together she should have requested that instead.

I also don't see why people are pretending OP made a mistake with her own son's age either. Why is what he said so unreasonable for an 18 year old? It's not like he said 'I don't like nasty granny stealing all your attention mummy,' sounds like he made a perfectly factual point, that their holiday has been impacted by his grandmother expecting more from OP than OP was expecting to need to give.

YANBU I avoid joint holidays for this reason

Op tricky. I never got into holidays as I would be carer for her week. Siblings same we dont bring her.. I find the demands alot. When its your only break all year too.. I find from experience they want it all their own way

Nah, she’s being a selfish twat. You’ll never please her, so crack on and enjoy your holiday. You don’t owe her anything.

Have you considered that maybe she’s not coping as well at home as you think?

To be clear, the 18 year old shouldn't be asked to supervise meds, even if DM actually needed that from someone which she evidently doesn't. He can go to a bar and order drinks though, or bring a menu over. Those things are not being a carer. Since he'll help if asked, ask him.

The fact that DM expects things to be done for her that she's capable of doing herself is a problem. I wouldn't go even on a weekend away just you two without it being established that she needs to do everything she is able to.

Not unreasonable to make it the last one, but not sure why you'd need to say it, just don't book another. I'd be surprised if she suggests it herself when she thinks you've not included her enough

Your Mum is being entirely unreasonable. I’m in my mid 70s and have been on holiday several times with my DS, DIL & DGC. I make sure to pull my weight, help with the children and give them some space as a family. Being included in their plans is a privilege.

You have been pulled in too many directions, and her pull has prevailed a bit much, really. Were there no day time 'entertainment' options that she could have taken part in?

I don't think you need to tell her, unless she ever suggests a shared holiday again. Which she might not. If she suggests coming again next year say "The thing is Mum, obviously a holiday for the kids means days on the beach, which they love and I like to share with them, which isn't your thing" and offer a weekend break somewhere just with her.

If she doesn’t want to do things, even when they’re things she’s capable of, she can’t expect you to stay with her! It’s your holiday too. She sounds very annoying and self centered so no I’d never go away with her again!!

What a stressful holiday! Dont take her again but don’t state that you won’t. Try not to regret anything, just move on with lessons learned.

Slightly off track, but your brother lives in Scotland, why can't she go and stay with him, depending on where it is. It's his turn next time.

My DM was older when this became a possibility but we took her on a couple of family holidays and it then became clear that these holidays couldn't be all things to all people, particularly when her mobility got worse.

What I used to do was go away for a few days with my mum on our own and also have a family holiday without DM. We did get on very well though in general. Don't burn your bridges.

No, I wouldn’t, not unless she makes that conversation impossible to avoid

I assume it's a stress response. But agree, no decision needs to be made now and it certainly doesn't have to be communicated.

OP as you still have one more day, is there time to communicate some kind of plan that might make everyone feel a bit more secure? Managing this stuff off the cuff is always tougher. Like if you said to DM, we're going to the beach after lunch and I'll help you to a seat by the pool first. Tell me now if you will need anything doing first. Then we can all go for a meal and watch the entertainment/go to the pub over the road in the evening.

This. Why do you feel that you need to explicitly tell your mother right now that you won't holiday with her again, OP?

I agree that sharing a hotel room is highly inappropriate both for your mum, your husband and your 18 year old son! This has been poorly thought out and you need to learn from this and see how you can adapt to include her.

Go to the pool half a day and beach for half a day, go for a coffee and cake together but try to break up the day and make it more inclusive

Book the next holiday and tell no one apart from your husband until the last minute. We dont invite my parents or in laws otherwise it becomes expectation every time we go away with our children and it isn’t relaxing at all and harder work than if we just went with our kids. We keep our holidays as a surprise for our children also x

63 isn’t elderly. I’m 60 and work full time (fully expect to do this until 67), regularly walk over 10 miles, gym with weights and cardio 3 times a week. I don’t run anymore because it makes my knees sore, but that’s my only limitation. I’m not unusual for my age either. I would class 80 as elderly as most of the people in their 70s that I know are still pretty active.

I would assume therefore that the OP’s Mum suffers from particular health conditions not directly related to her age. She seems to manage well in day to day life though, and should have been equally capable when away on holiday. If she doesn’t need 24/7 care at home, she doesn’t need it on holiday. She seems to have expected to be OP’s sole focus and this is just unreasonable. I wouldn’t take her on holiday again either.

Are you all in the one family room? You, partner, kids including an 18 year old, mum in her 60s?

Im surprised anyone wants to spend time with anyone tbh.

From her point of view though you’ve all gone on holiday together as a family and then you don’t want to do stuff with her. It’s not weird that she didn’t predict that. Totally understandable that you want to go to the beach sometimes, but she’s left out because of mobility and that must be a bit rubbish.