To tell my mum I’m not taking her on holiday again?

I hear you op. DH and I attempted one holiday with his dad and our two teens plus a teenage cousin. We couldn’t do anything together - the teens wanted to cycle, swim, climb and explore. Grandad wasn’t up for any of that. So we ended up with DH knackered from doing all the sporty stuff with the teens, and me shepherding grandad around various castles, museums and tea shops. We did meet up for dinner, self catering so I was still on duty then as well. It was really hard work and DH and I spent basically no time together. We kind of knew it would be this way, but it was far harder than we expected, trying to meet everyone’s expectations and not our own 🤷‍♀️

This is ridiculous. OP said mother could get to the beach, she just doesn't like it. She doesn't want to do things, but wants company. The fact that she was so rude about her daughter to randoms at dinner is appalling.

I'd be mortified if my children said I'd behaved like this. She may struggle more on her own than OP realises, but I don't see it. She lives close by, is in frequent contact, and doesn't sound like someone who's backward in letting OP know any shortcomings.

At home she's a separate independent person. On holiday she shouldn't be making OP feel bad every day. She can do her tablets at home, she can do them on holiday. She gets her own food at home, she can cope with finding lunch if the others go out for one day.

Ugh. Far too scarred by my own experiences, echoed in the OP.

She sounds very self-absorbed. My mum comes to most of our family holidays, she's 83 not 63. She may not fancy the longer hikes in Sri Lanka or similar, but is then perfectly happy to chill by the pool.
Did your mum really expect everyone to limit their holiday activities to things she is willing and/or able to do? If she can live alone, she can't be that dependent on 24H assistance. And surely 63 is not so old, frail and confused that she can't be by herself for short periods of time.

Suggest in the future

Book accessible hotel room for your DM
Hotel with no stairs & a lift

Hire a mobility scooter once on holiday

Or a cruise ?

I have experience of caring for someone with poor mobility. They are always happy for us to go off & do things. We have meals together & do some things together.

Your DM is in her 60s, not her 80s or 90s !

If she lives alone surely she sorts her own meals and meds there ?
She's taking the piss

You're not really holiday compatible with your mother at this stage in your life - understandably since you have children or varying ages and a partner to consider as well. I would just put this one down to experience and as another poster has suggested, don't suggest another holiday but if it comes up just kindly say you'll take your mum out somewhere instead and if she presses, maybe say that it had been hard for you to handle both your children/partner wanting your time and attention whilst also wanting to be an attentive daughter to her so it hadn't worked for you. This is true but doesn't make it about her disability or lack of insight. (If she lives alone, she may just be wanting a bit more attention and because you're super busy, you won't necessarily be able to give her as much as she would like?) I think she does lack insight a bit as you also have a partner on holiday too to consider here. There is quite a lot going on for you!

In a way I would be more concerned about your mum wanting you to do things that she would normally do. Isn't that how people lose the ability to do things and eventually their independence and even though she has a disability, she is still quite young? I'm not sure how you raise it with her though?

Sounds like the hotel does have a pool, as she wanted help getting changed for it. So they have some kind of access to a pool anyway. But apparently she's not willing to sit and chill by it with a book/her phone whilst OP goes to the beach with her 6 year old, which actually would seem a pretty reasonable thing for her to do.

It sounds badly planned. A beach that’s too far or too many steps for your mums mobility was never going to work. A hotel with a pool would have been better. And she came on holiday to be with you all. What made you think she’d want to hang out at the hotel alone? I can understand her disappointment. If you make a point of telling her she’s not invited again, that will be very hurtful. She didn’t choose the hotel so it’s not really her fault. Just do everyone a favour and don’t take her next time. She probably won’t want to go anyway.

Does your mum work op? If not why not? 63 isn't particularly old and whilst she might be independent and cope at home, is there more to this?

You mention you had separate sections and not sharing a big room, do you each have your own room?

Different Interpretations. She thought this was a holiday for her that you were all going on too. You meant it to be your family holiday that she was joining. Of course you didn't intend that she would always have to fit in with whatever you were all doing, there would be a lot of consideration for her too. But she seems to have assumed that everything would be centred on her.

You don't have to take her again but if you do make sure you set out the arrangements very clearly beforehand.

63 is not old. I would think she’d want an evening reading or relaxing on her own. When we go away with family we all make sure we get alone time. Expecting you to entertain her is really not fair, she needs to go away with friends who will want to do what she wants.
Having said that we don’t go away with my DM anymore as she didn’t understand I wanted to go to the beach or in the sea. She hated doing active things and assumed as a woman I would too, nothing could be further from the truth. I think she thought she was saving me from a hour surfing when I was desperate to get in the sea. Her assumption was an hour gossiping was the better option and she was doing me a favour.

My mother was exactly the same. “If you’re getting up, can you just get me/fetch me…” And would sit on a sun lounger repeatedly saying “You could die of thirst around here,” loudly, rather than order a drink from the waiter who was flitting around, or ask people if they wanted a drink or ice cream and go and get it. Because then she would have had to have paid…

If I’d been your Mum, OP, and we’re similar ages, I’d have been delighted to have been left in the shade with my book while the rest of you went to the beach.

You don't need to tell her you're not going on holiday with her again. That's just mean. Don't organise another family holiday with her but it doesn't need a big announcement.

Part of the problem might be that you keep talking about "taking her" and "bringing her" on holiday. It implies that she's going to be looked after. It's an entirely different proposition to asking her if she'd like to tag along or join.

Does she have friends?

When she asked you to do medication just say ‘you do it, you know what’s what’, she probably thinks you enjoy helping her as you haven’t said no or encourage independence

Maybe just do a holiday with her, she sounds lonely and life must be hard with limited mobility etc

I feel sorry for your mum tbh.
She wanted a family holiday with you all, and it does seem she has been spending a lot of time on her own.
Is she perhaps not used to being abroad? It does sound like she is needier than you expected her to be, and that's a problem. When my mum was elderly on holiday with us, my 18-year-old son, often used to sit with her, but they enjoyed each other's company...he certainly didn't moan about her.
Someone remarked that maybe she doesn't cope as well at home, on her own, as you think she does...that could be true.
63 isn't old, I am older and I don't rely on anyone, but we are not all on the same level when it comes to ageing, fitness, both mental and physical.

I do think you are wise to decide maybe a family beach holiday isn't the right one to take your mum on again.

@MaxLaRush I have n/c for this I’m the same age as your Mum with mobility issues. I travel alone regularly managing my walker and suitcases on public transport. There are things I can’t do so I do what I can.

Your Mum is not being fair to you and your family. She is enjoying having you wait on her and dance to her tune, sulking if she doesn’t get what she wants.

YANBU to not take her on a family holiday again - it’s not fair to your DC.

You need to think very carefully about boundaries - it’s easy to find you doing more and more for your Mum and find you are full time caring for her. Now is the time to start getting her used to getting help in e.g. a cleaner, possibly a companion/carer for an hour a week so she gets used to others helping and not relying on you.

No need for any big announcements at all. That would be unnecessarily confrontational and hurtful. Just don't repeat the experience.

Book holidays for you and your family in future. You and your mum can go away together for the odd few days at other times, and to places more suited to her needs.

If she does ask then that's the opening for a discussion and agreement that you are all at very different ages, stages and paces and therefore very mismatched. Explain that you believe that this means that you think separate holidays for you and her could be the way forward now.

She might not ask at all. It might be that she too has learned from the experience and is looking forward to getting home as much as you are. If so then it is a moot point and doesn't need to be discussed again.

She’s only 63 why is she so incapable. Is she genuinely disabled or using you . I would have ma de it clear that you’ll all spend time individually and you will spend quality time with your kids .Even if she had limited mobility she could sit by the pool on occasions with a good book . If you feel you want to id take her again but on the proviso she’s more independent.

Can you not say ‘no I won’t stay this time mum, I stayed last night, I want to see the kids at the water park, call me if you need anything’

It is just an expectations mix up. She just didn't know how uncomfortable she would feel alone at the bar.

Survive, get home. No need to say "never" now, if asked say "we will have to think about it".

We went through similar and came with a better plan next time - shorter, easier setup, accepting my parents felt unsure in some situations which I'd expect them to be ok. Intentionally building separate times to the plan - every capable adult in the group agreed to cover one "shift" with my parents - and got one slot to do whatever they wanted.

My mum wanted to make it work, so we talked a bit more and everyone enjoyed the second holidays, so we have a base for potential "next time"

63! At that age I was still doing loads to help my elderly aunt and uncle! Your mother is making a fuss about nothing.

Could she not get one herself? Could she not help herself or her daughter struggling to take care of everything and have some sort of holiday?
Mobility issues don’t necessarily mean immobile or helpless.

No regrets, it was worth a try, but absolutely do not do it again. A separate weekend away would be much better if you are happy to do that. If she wants more holiday days accompanied then she needs to talk to your brother, or perhaps you could help her look into coach holidays that are set up for older single travellers.