To tell my mum I’m not taking her on holiday again?

I'd hate to be in your mom's shoes. If i holiday with my parents then the assumption is we do as much things as possible together as that is the intent of " joint holidays". And that's precisely why i am very selective of where we could holiday together.

63 isn't usually old enough that you'd need someone doing everything for you. Did your dad do everything for her? My mum demanded my dad did everything for her and escorted her everywhere for decades. Now he's in hospital she's looking for replacements to give her the full princess treatment. It's hard and I wish my dad had stood up to her a bit.

Goodness me she's only 63 !..Same age as me ..! I'm also a widow .Why us she expecting to be treated like an old woman and why are you going along with it ?

From experience, This was my thought, too.

Anyway, OPs mum said she wanted to see her GC enjoy a proper holiday. Not that she wanted to be taken on holiday to be cared for.

With her health/mobility issues, I'm surprised that she expected them to be with her 24/7. There will be activities that she is unable to join in with, but that also shouldnt come at the expense of OP missing out on quality time with her own DC for the whole time.

Op, I suspect a certain amount of manipulation from your Mum here.
I'm 67, and can't imagine asking my DC to deal with my medication or menu. You've said that she has limited mobility, but then said that the reason she doesn't want to go to the beach is that she doesn't like sand.
Maybe if you go away with her again you could make sure that it is somewhere accessible for her mobility issues ( or she could be arranging that). Presumably she had input into the holiday arrangements ( I am assuming that she wasn't an afterthought, as you booked somewhere with the family room arranged so that she had some privacy, and there were enough bed) and was able to specify what she needed. I'm wondering why she is expecting you to be responsible for everything. Does she have an illness that affects her mental capacity
My Mum is decades older than yours, and in a wheelchair for outings. DH pointed out how she is expecting to me do everything for her..along the lines of how she says she's not feeling comfortable, I ask does she want a cushion, she replies that she doesn't know, expecting me to be able judge whether she does in fact need a cushion and how many cushions of what particular size and shape. Or she'll want a drink but not ask and then complain that I haven't sorted it. It's really annoying but she is almost 90. Your mother is behaving like that.
What is restricting her mobility and independence?

YANBU but I wouldn’t say it. I just wouldn’t book another with her and if she asks just when you’re booking again I would say you’re just going with the kids this year.

How does she manage day to day at home?

My MIL was like this. We were all made to go on a weekend away and whilst everyone was out doing things and coming and going, she was sat in
a fury as she thought everyone should just sit inside with her.

You don’t need to tell her, just don’t do it again.

Clarification of expectations in advance would’ve helped.

I think it sounds like your mum is being selfish - of course you want to spend time on the beach with your little ones, and it’s odd that she’s acting more helpless that she is when you’re there.

id just chalk it up to experience and not repeat the experience, no pint blowing the benefit of the effort you’ve put in by rowing at the end of the holiday

I'm 65 with some mobility problems - no walker or stick but I can only walk short distances without having to rest or sit, stairs are a bit of a problem, takes me a long time to do things like dress, can't carry heavy things. But I still work in the office every day, and live on my own and look after my 2 cats. My DSis (who is 2 years older than me but more mobile) comes to help with a few bits I can't do by myself like carry the cats on their vet visits or help turn my very heavy mattress.

But I know my limitations, so I would never ask to go with them on a day out as I know I would spoil the day out badly enough when it's just her & the youngest (adult) nephew who lives with her, let alone expect to go on outings with her eldest and his children. Until my disabilities got this bad, I would holiday on my own and if there wasn't an outing I felt I could cope with or one I would enjoy, I was quite happy to spend the day by the pool reading my Kindle. I don't go away at all now because a) the journey itself would be too painful and b) I don't see the point in going away just to sit by the pool reading all day.

OP's DM sounds very selfish to me. Maybe she thought that a family holiday would consist of her and OP sitting together by the pool together watching little kids playing all day every day, but even if the children were younger than that they could still end up being bored if there was nothing else to do.

Wtf has that got to do with anything? Your comment is silly!

They have 3 children, 18yr, a middle, and 6 yr old.

What of families that have 3-6 yr gaps between children, there will be a big gap between oldest- youngest if they have more than 2.

What if there had been a child death for a middle child, or had trouble conceiving? And you just pipe up saying that an age gap is silly?!

I'm also a bit taken aback and feel sad for your mum that she is only 63 and already needing so much help (I'm only a year or so younger!)

Are her mobility issues likely to improve or get worse?

It does sound like you both had different ideas about how you thought the holiday would be. It doesn't seem like a multi generational holiday works for your family. So I would gently suggest she plans to go with friends in future or just a few days with you, or just days out if she doesn't really enjoy/cope with travelling abroad. There are also lots of companies that cater for single travellers.

"maybe if we had talked properly beforehand about what everyone expected it might have gone differently."

I think you've answered your own question.

She’s lonely, she’s using mobility as a cover for her loneliness, she misses having people around and probably is wanting you to be her companion on the holiday and subconsciously is making things difficult and over thinking and making her insecurities your fault.
it’s quite sad really, if you do go on holiday again then you will have to choose the hotel and accommodation really carefully, ie limited stairs or hilly terrain around the hotel, some sort of arts or interest activities she can join and agree she will do those while you do other things, some sort of plans for the evenings.
it sounds like she’s lashing out at you and it’s not fair. But some sort of discussion before she went ahead and booked like, we will be going out on evening excursions and they may not be suitable for your mobility, are you happy relaxing in the hotel in your own of an evening, and saying that you will be spending time on the beach which she won’t be able to access, maybe she would have chosen herself not to come.
its mismatched expectations but it sounds like it’s going to be the last holiday with mum so try and enjoy your last day with her. Maybe have a chat about the fact both of you haven’t had the holiday you expected and talk about how you could make it work if you went away again, or maybe you both agree it’s not a good idea.

What a ridiculous comment! Which child should OP send back?

Her mum is the problem, not the ages of her children. Her mum sounds like an entitled pain in the arse who ruined the holiday for OP.

I totally understand where you're coming from OP. Your DM sounds needy and selfish. Surely she can entertain herself for a few hours so you can go the beach with your DC? What does she do normally as a person who lives alone? It sounds like she's guilt-tripping you into spending every minute with her, which any kind and reasonable person would never do. Moaning to other guests that you're leaving her on her own when you're not and when you're actually sacrificing time with your DH and kids to sit with her is not on either.

I wouldn't make an announcement that you're not taking her again unless she puts you on the spot, but I would just book to go away without her if it's a family holiday. If you want to go away with her then perhaps go just the two of you to something appropriate for her mobility needs, but a family beach holiday clearly doesn't work.

Exactly this!

I can't get over she's 63. Same age as my husband and wants a carer.

Well if she's saying it anyway. Set her up with a book or something and go out as a family for the day. See if you can get at least one day in where you feel like you've had a break. Let her sulk and the future issue will sort itself out on its own.

I can’t get over the fact she’s only 63 but seems to have OP very much set up as her main carer, there could be another 20-30 years of this. Family holidays with DCs are precious and you don’t want to spoil them. I wouldn’t make a big announcement of it but if holidays come up again just say it didn’t work and would she like to do a weekend away with you instead. Something like a coach trip might work as you get driven to yiur locations, mind you you do have to get on and off the bus yourself.

Does she have any other friends she could go away with ?

It sounds like none of you really thought through what you'd do on this holiday. Making your mum pay her full share for what is essentially being left to her own devices seems quite mean, though. And if I were her, I'd feel as if I'd been abandoned and/or was a burden the rest of the family would rather not have to deal with. I'd be surprised if your DM wanted to ever join your family on a holiday again. But I think you should be somewhat apologetic to her in that it sounds like you and the rest of your family are just going off to do whatever you like without really a consideration for how you could have adjusted things to include your DM. Sitting alone in a bar is pretty dismal.

@MaxLaRush Sorry you've had a crappy time. Don't take her away with your family again. She obviously thinks she can't cope and that you're there not as a daughter but as her carer.

One thing you do need to consider, once you're home, you need to have a very serious conversation with your DH firstly and then your brother about your mother and what happens in the future when her mobility, etc. declines.
Is she expecting to move in with you?
Is she expecting you to be her carer?
Has she funds to pay for her own care?
Does she need to move to somewhere accessible?

Sorry, but you have seen what she's been like while you've been on holiday. It's a warning for things to come.
💐

If she manages to live alone then she can manage to do her meds etc alone without you babysitting her. I would tell her honestly that you won't be inviting her again as this is learned helplessness she's doing it deliberately.

12 year age gap between children is silly!

I feel for you. I had this with my widowed father who came away with us 3 times. It ruined my holiday as I was looking out for him all the time. It thankfully ended when he decided it was too much effort for him. So I booked a holiday for me and kids and he declared he would come too, but I lied and told him there weren’t enough beds in the cottage.
I would suggest not taking her on your main holiday again but maybe a short break might be more enjoyable for her and you