To tell my mum I’m not taking her on holiday again?

I wouldn’t fall out over it now. But next time do your family holiday alone and do a weekend away just you and your mum maybe. Or tell mum if she wants to come on family trip you’ll need her to hire a carer too.

i don’t think you can understand this mindset unless you actually have a mother or mother in law like this. They want everything centered around them. They don’t think it’s unreasonable that everyone does what they want. You have to book a holiday that suits them, stay in a hotel or accommodation that suits their mobility needs, eat at restaurants where they will like the food. And they’ll be sure to complain if you go on a holiday and not include them.

I find all these posts blaming the OP for not considering her mother's mobility problems both unfair to OP, and condescending to her mother, who, again, isn't some doddery old dear but is a mentally competent 63 year old!

Presumably she a) has been on a poolside holiday abroad before and knows what it consist of b) knows her own mobility best.

SHE specifically said she wanted to come on THIS holiday, it would have been paternalistic and overbearing for OP to tell her she's wrong and can't manage it.

For everyone focussing on the mobility, why is it not things like getting on and off the airplane, travelling through the airport, using the toilet, etc. that OP has highlighted as examples, or the mother has (very rudely) moaned about to random other visitors, but instead things that are nothing to do with mobility at own, like not wanting to be left alone in her own room, reading a menu and taking medication?

I feel for you because this is what my mum is like too. She lives alone and manages just fine at home, but on holiday acts like she needs constant help and support. We spoke and came up with a plan that she would pay to upgrade us all to a decent AI that someone else brings her drinks and food. Then we can all enjoy our holiday without me having an extra person to care for. We always book her a seperate room too and the last time we went hired a mobility scooter.

She’s only 63, I’m surprised she’s acting 83 even with mobility issues. My mum is 61 and still works in a physical job full time and cares for her toddler grandsons twice a week (not my children).

Are you offering to lend OP your time machine then to fix that? 🙄

I already get PIP, but only the lower level which just about pays for the additional expenses my mobility requires e.g. having the majority of my shopping delivered, driving an automatic car, having to pay for some things I can no longer do for myself. Working for Local Government my salary is just about enough to pay the bills and no more.

I'm at that stage where scooters or a wheelchair would be over the top really, but still restricted in things like distances or awkward terrain. I would still be restricting what they could do on their days out, the things we enjoy in common aren't the kind of things you can do with a mobility scooter or wheelchair (plus I would never expect them to push me!). The very thought of going shopping makes us both shudder with horror, shopping is for necessities not pleasure in our minds and especially just browsing without any needs seems pointless. Even sitting in a cafe for any length of time makes my back ache due to the chairs etc, I only go out for 2-3 meals a year as it is on special occasions like works Christmas Dinner or the annual meal for the food bank team at work. She does quite enough for me as it is, she owes me nothing and I'm grateful for what she does.

For me days out & holidays would be hill walking, visiting castles & stately homes, going animal parks and sanctuaries, visiting ancient monuments both in the UK and abroad, none of which are conducive to wheels.

Stii just one room though 😳

What an utter nightmare!

Cherish the time with your mum, even if the holiday didnt go to plan, you can always have another holiday but not another mum.

I took my mum on holiday in July, she was dead 3 weeks later. I wish I had enjoyed her more 😔

It seems like DM took advantage of having OP there to do things for her that ordinarily she would do herself and in doing so upset the rest of the family as well making everyone focus on her.
No need to say she can't go on holiday with you again. Next time you plan it without her!

I feel your pain. I have both a mother and mother in law like this. It is not a holiday with them. They expect me to spend every moment of every day with them and will loudly complain if I try to carve out a few minutes with my kids, my husband or even just by myself. They dictate the schedule, the activities, where we eat, everything. They consider it my “job”, my “duty” - these are the words they use. It’s not a holiday with them and in fact, they don’t seem grateful. With my own mom I’ll probably bring her again because my siblings just refuse to. With my mother in law, my husband says we have to because otherwise she’ll leave everything to a dog charity! He sounded like he was joking but I think he could be right!

Are you usually very close with you dm op? I don't have a close relationship with dm, and quite honestly her visits to our house drain me; she overstays and is quite honesty selfish and manipulative. I have young dcs, one with additional needs and it wouldn't be a holiday with her. Dcs wouldn't relax, I'd spend the time constantly telling them to not talk too much for dm, and I would spend the entire time trying to please her, like having a third dc. Her disappointment shows on her face, she would blame us for the holiday if it wasn't to her liking, although she wouldn't say it to our face. She had already hinted to come to Christmas activities like a doting grandmother with our family because it suits her now she has split up with her bf (never interested before), and makes little hints infront of dcs who wouldn't want her to go, as there isnt a strong enough bond there to begin with.
Sorry I digress...

This

Sounds like my MIL, who has been banned from future everything holidays

Haha, what's that got to do with anything?

There's 17 years between my oldest sibling and me. 💁

Hi,
You know your limits but it sounds to me like you are missing out on some things unnecessarily. Could you afford a small mobility scooter? Some are easy to fold and put in the boot of a car. Then you can enjoy a day out with your sister: shops, cafe, tourist attraction, a nature trail with a decent path. If you can't afford a mobility scooter then perhaps a standard wheelchair will give you some freedom to get out and about with your sister?

You could apply for PIP, if you don't already claim it, and if successful save the money to get yourself a scooter.

There’s no need to say anything to her now about future trips. Just avoid getting tied into future holiday plans. If she persists, say “It doesn’t work so well now the kids are getting older. They need me to be around and I want to spend the whole time with them.”

Money and time with your kids are so precious!!

My MIL is very particular about where she sleeps, what and when she eats etc. She’s judgy too. She’s been on her own for a long time. doesn’t compromise and she complains a lot about everything! There’s no way I’d go on a holiday overseas with her! We do a long weekend together in the UK every couple of years and that’s enough.

FIL (they’re long divorced) on the other hand is easy and affable company. I’d happily take him on holiday.

Your mum hasn’t enabled you to have a break at all! You are not being unreasonable to exclude her in future, but I wouldn’t actively tell her this.

Your mum sounds much older than 63. I work with a few women in their 60s and they are away on holidays all the time, walking their dogs living life. How bad is her mobility and expecting you to help her with her bathing suit and meds. I would put her late 80s the way your explaining. I wouldnt bring her on holiday again you havnt had a break at all.

I wouldn't let her know now she won't be coming on any more holidays, but tell her in the future you've booked whatever for your family and go. Even if you're with others, part of being on holiday is having a bit of 'me time' personally, even if it's just having a coffee while others in group are doing an acitivity. I'm not far off your mother's age and luckily physically fit, but if I'd gone away with my own DD in the circumstances, I'd have readily chosen to take books to read, maybe a puzzle book or get a newspaper, either in a cafe or bar - knowing that sometimes we'd all want to do different things, need a bit of space.

Being included in their plan is a privilege?!

She's paid for her holiday, she doesn't behave to earn the right to be included. It's honestly very sad you think of your family that way, you're not the help.

Both OP and her mum are responsible for the situation, it was the wrong holiday location for her mum, maybe too long, or not the right time. Rather than saying "never again" they should find a better way to spend family time together that works for everyone.

It's just been a difference in expectations. Nobody being deliberately difficult probably but your mum feeling more vulnerable, in a strange place. I don't think you need to make a big announcement. If she suggests coming on holiday with you again remind her what kind of holiday suits your family. It would be easier if she had company other than you, or was more independent.

Do also keep in mind that there will naturally be an element of running about when on holiday with someone with mobility issues. Speaking from experience.

My mum copes at home. She can painfully hobble to get a drink, crawl to the kitchen to make some lunch, hobble and wince to get her glasses from the side etc...

...but one is hardly going to sit on the sofa just watching her painfully crawl and hobble to get what she needs all day.

Grabbing and doing bits when you are there visiting is one thing, but when it is constant because you are living together for a week is an entirely different ball game. And all of a sudden it is much less of a holiday for you. I had to learn this the tricky way and now I have adjusted more realistic expectations of the "holiday"

Ha ha I had two like that late DM and late DFIL. I loved them dearly but I swear as soon as they saw my bottom heading for a seat they suddenly needed something. They were never happy unless I was up and down like a yo-yo 😂 I still miss the old buggers though!
So anyway @MaxLaRush least said soonest mended. No more holidays with her but no big discussions about it.
This will only get worse as your DM gets older. Save your strength and sanity for when you are invariably called on to wait on her at home (not that you are obliged to do that at all).
Have as many family holidays as you can while your DM is still living independently. DH and I ended up cancelling trips due to the increasing care needs of elderly relatives.That was our choice obviously but I wish we had done more when the aged parents were less needy.

63 or 83 is that a typo ? Could she not have brought one of her home carers with her ( or a companion )so you could all have a proper break without struggling to please everyone