To tell my mum I’m not taking her on holiday again?

YANBU to never take her in a family holiday again.

If she suggests going again telling her they don’t seem to be working seems reasonable. Maybe say you all have different priorities for a holiday.

If she asks why you think that I would probably remind her she said she spent £700 to feel like a burden and if she pushes it say you didn’t have a good time either and the rest of the family really felt it too.

if you can afford it, going away with her for a weekend or two would be a good compromise. But I wouldn’t put your other holiday plans on hold to afford it. You look after your mum, you need respite. Don’t pour you money and joy into a bottomless well.

The amount of people on this thread who would dread spending some time on their own is a real eye opener to me. I had no idea some adults can't cope on their own or know how to entertain themselves for a few hours.

I’m disabled and, whikst I dint agree with the methods tge OP’s mum used to avoid staying in her own, I would have had an isdue with a hols organised around tge dcs with little thought given to me and my mobility issues.

Its all great to say ‘let’s spend tge hols together’ but if that means you’re, by default, excluded from the group, it’s not much fun, enjoyable or anything.

And I dint have any ‘emotional issues’. If anything I’m too worried of being a burden and cope on my own even though I should ask for help and support.

I’m a wheelchair user and I’d have found your idea of a holiday crap tbh.

Your mum said she wanted to spend and watch her grand children enjoy themselves during a hols and you were exoecting her to be happy to spend the evening on her own so you could do things wo her.

I think the issue with your DM is deeper than the holiday, might be a psychological more than anything else. Maybe feeling left out, or not needed. My mum is similar unfortunately, has some health issues, is only in her early 60s but keeps going on how she "hasn't got much left", and generally more needy than she should be. I dont have any advice to offer bust sending my sympathy

This will blow your mind- we have a similar gap AND my husband is the same age as OP's mum. How very silly

Think OP is getting a rough time.

I think your DM has been unfair, my DM wouldn’t go away as genuinely can’t move around BUT if we took her she would say, go ahead I’m fine, get me a bottle of water, sit me close to toilets, take me back to the balcony, enjoy your holiday. I think your DM has been a bit selfish. She can’t keep up, she’s along for parts of the holidays not the whole holiday! She’s lucky you’ve taken her.

DD goes to the beach with DH I didn’t go every time and vice versa. Take a book, relax, talk to other people.

No I wouldn’t take her again in your shoes, not if she needs 24 hour care.

As it is the end of the holiday I would suggest you continue to bite your tongue.
Please don't fret about making an announcement re future holidays. If she brings the subject up, simply say next time Mum, it'll just be us so that I can relax as well.

My mum had Alzheimer’s and I ended up being her carer. I got a lot of sympathy and comments about her declining health etc. But what people didn’t realise was that I had been my mum’s emotional crutch for years. Everyone thought she was ‘marvellous’. And she was. But any time I was around, she was like a helpless child. She would come to our house and just sit there, then talk in a babyish voice about being ‘all alone’ any time I had to go and do something. Like make the dinner. DP really pandered to her and she thought the sun shone out of his arse😂 But she was like this from her mid fifties on. Just completely helpless around me, as if it was her turn to be the child. I can see a kind of logic in that, even though I don’t agree with it or like it, but a happy medium would have been nice. One where I could do some stuff for her and she would still behave like a capable adult. I’ll be 60 next year and can’t imagine being so needy around my children in the coming years.

Edited for typo.

We are in our late 60s. Both of us have health problems; and I don’t like stairs or uneven ground, after falling downstairs and breaking my ankle.

We have just been to a Greek island for 2 weeks. The hotel had metal ramps for the odd step round the hotel, and rooms on the ground floor. It was about 30 degrees every day. We hired a car, and went out birdwatching half a day (DH’s big hobby), then a drink and toilet in a cafe to cool down, and sight seeing in the afternoon - maybe sitting on a different beach every day. We went back to the hotel about 5 pm to cool down. DH went out birdwatching for another couple of hours, while I had a swim and lay on a sun lounger by the pool. Then we went for dinner in the village.

Most people in the hotel were older than us. Had I wanted too, I could have got chatting to the other guests around the pool side bar. Usually the last day, I spend on my own reading by the pool, while DH goes off birdwatching all day.

I can’t see why OP’s DM couldn’t spend some time on her own (my idea of bliss) or chat to other guests? We take a carrier bag of our meds, and we sort them out ourselves every day!

Just don't do it again. My mother was like this when she was widowed at 55. Suddenly an old person who needed looking after. My sister and I tried to bring her on our family holidays but she moaned about everything and made everyone miserable. She was queen of the whole 'Don't bother about me 'martyr act combined with sulking and if that didn't work guilting us with histrionics about my father being dead. So we stopped. Encourage her to go with friends.

She’s sounds exceptionally selfish. My 88 year old grandparents would be embarrassed to be this needy. Mobility issues for a usually independent person does not equal infirm with a live in nurse when on holiday.
I think you need to practice saying no.

It's difficult and could have done with a very clear expectation setting conversation before you you booked it, e.g. 'we're planning to do x beach days with the kids and I know it's not your thing so will you be happy chilling by the pool/in the bar?' But as these things often are, it only becomes obvious with hindsight!

Just in case it makes you feel better, we took my mum on two holidays to Greece where we paid for everything, flights, accommodation, meals etc and just asked her to bring a bit of spending money in case she wanted to buy a few things. She had her own apartment, balcony etc. We'd agreed in advance that we would have a couple of nights (out of 14) where we'd go out as a couple and she'd have dinner on her own at the restaurant next to the hotel. She loved this and said she felt like Shirley Valentine. However I found out from another guest that she'd been complaining to other guests that we'd left her on her own! I asked her why she'd said that and she said she didn't know 'it just slipped out'. (The actual reason is that she loves playing the martyr and having people feel sorry for her.)

We also went on holiday with my husband's parents (again, we paid etc). They didn't want to leave the hotel EVER but they also didn't want to be left there together as they didn't really enjoy each others company. We tried doing a few things but they'd just have a face on them all day so we ended up not bothering and staying at the hotel as it was easier.

I'm still glad I did those holidays as there were some good times, my mum is now very unwell and my in laws died so it's nice having those memories and we (me and husband) can laugh about it now.

But I feel your pain when you're in the middle of it!

my 18 year old

No need for any announcement that you're not taking her again. Just book a holiday without her, and if she asks about coming on holiday, explain that you've booked something but it's going to be quite an active holiday and you'll be busy doing the activities with your kids, and you assumed that she wouldn't want to come as you wouldn't be able to spend much of the time with her. Then suggest that you take her away for a long weekend somewhere at another time.

Agree with others.
No big announcement but never again.
She is 63 ffs. I am 62. She sounds like a needy 85 year old and to be honest none of the 85 years i know, would behave like that.

Your brother lives away and its just you, you are being conditioned by her.

This indicates huge selfishness, not being able to sort her medication🙄.

This was your family holiday and she spoiled it.

I think what your 18 year old said needs to be your focus.
They wanted their mum but granny was behaving like a needy toddler and you fell for it.

You need to enforce boundaries or the rest of her life will ruin yours and your familys.

Considerate, appreciateive parents do not behave as she did, and you would be well advised to wake up to that.

What she said to those people on holiday was a plain lie, while she ruined your holiday and that of your familys.

Honestly, one thing if she was late 80's but early 60's?
Ridiculous.

I think the mother sounds very unappreciative of the efforts being made for her - most would be all too happy for you all to go off as a family without her and let her sit round by the pool getting some peace. I think you need to make things clear after this holiday or there could be 20 more years of this. You don't need to appease her - she's 63, not 93.

This is so weird. She’s 4 years off retirement age, not at all old, yet can’t be left alone for an evening, and isn’t able to be separated from family while they go to the beach for even a short while?

She sounds incredibly selfish and childish. Tell her to read a book and leave her on her own next time.

I don’t think it’ll be a problem because I doubt she’ll jump at the chance of holidaying with you all again anyway

Your first paragraph is a tonic to read and yes you can dislike how someone behaves (your bottom never meeting the seat pad) and still love them (missing the old buggers after they've gone). And such wise words about making the most of this time with minimal drama now before the demands of caring for mum get more pressing.

People keep talking about age, but some 63 year olds do 3 gym classes a day, and some 20 year olds have limited mobility (though it's true that people above middle age are more likely, on average, to have issues). But for those that do, being told other people of their age are ok is absolutely not ok, and feeling like a burden is miserable. Maybe trying out how certain things would feel if your leg can't bend, or whatever reflects her particular need, would be helpful, and getting the kids to help and be empathic would be good. Preschool kids can be included in conversations about how to help gran, and older ones can do specific things about carrying/medication. Planning an itinerary (roughly) is helpful, and it's lovely when the kids say we should do X because Y would be hard for gran, and it's so nice to have her that we need to find something to suit us all-everyone will have problems one day.

Adults who need constant attention and can't be left on their own for a bit are not desirable holiday companions at any age.

Family holiday means holiday with my husband and kids. We never holiday with grandparents (and we love them to bits) as I want to prioritise our kids and what we want as a 4. For most people, holidays are one or two weeks a year, why bring anyone else along when time is so precious. Presuming your Mum had years of holidays with you as a child aswell.

Just grin and bear it now and never do it again. What about having a weekend away with your Mum (if she struggles being widowed etc and doesn’t have others to travel with). Do something that works well with her mobility issues. Family holiday is your time, dont make excuses, just tell her you want to spend that time with the kids.

Yes, been there done that OP. Throw in the mix an autistic dc too and I was ready to have some sort of breakdown.

We never did it again. I now budget for a weekend away in a cottage and invite her along for that, and pay for it all. But she doesn't get invited on the main holiday because frankly, I need a holiday myself.

Also, my DH is a easy going saint compared to some men, but he has his limits.

we brought my mother and mother in law on holidays (both widows) and they refused to share a room so I asked my two if they would share with the grannies. They said ok but neither of them wanted to share with my mother as they said “granny likes her own space”… or put another way, she makes it obvious that she doesn’t want her grandkids around. She wanted me to bring her on a holiday but didn’t want to have to hang out with my kids. Go figure.