To tell my mum I’m not taking her on holiday again?

Can’t leave her alone ? She manages at home ? And can get herself to the bar alone when she wants to ? Your Father is blind so totally different situation . OP is not her Carer .

63 is not that old , what’s her diagnosis? If it’s not Dementia etc why does she need someone checking her medication? Especially if she can do it at home. If she can get to the bar when she wants to it sounds like she’s being needy. It doesn’t sound like a holiday for any of you. If she doesn’t like the sand she can’t expect the rest of you not to enjoy it on a beach type holiday. What are you checking menus for? Can she read ? Sounds like she’s become totally dependent on you .

Surely it's your husband's responsibility to be at his mun's beck and call? Why is it you who is expected to spend every moment of the day with her? The inheritance will be left to your husband, not you.

Your siblings have the right idea refusing to go on holiday with your mum. Why do you feel that you need to step up and do it?

They both sound utterly selfish and toxic. I'd gladly leave them both behind.

While there’s still plenty of life left for most people at 63, aging will still have set in for the vast majority and created a very different physical reality than their children and grandchildren will be facing. This will likely be exacerbated by mobility problems that aren’t age related.

Many elderly people cope well at home with adaptations but struggle outside, finding it challenging

63 isn't elderly, its still working age.

However, it means the holiday needs to be catered for everyone needs

how would that work if one person does not want to do anything though? How does that cater to everyone else's needs?

63 is not elderly.

OP's mother is not elderly though.

So, my father lives alone too. He needs support outside his home but just fine at home! I think she has realised the extent of support her mother requires outside her home. Many elderly people cope well at home with adaptations but struggle outside, finding it challenging. It’s no one’s fault. It happened and now OP realises that her mum expects more help on holidays.

After a disastrous two weeks in Majorca with my husband, my parents and three kids under 5 including a 3 month old baby I can honestly say that the only way I ever did anything again with my parents was by laying down fairly strict boundaries… and it was 15 years before I did that.

I don't think you need to tell her directly that you don't want to go with her again, but maybe you could say next year (or whenever) "Why don't we go away for a long weekend somewhere - you choose where" and then just the two of you could go together. I've got adult kids with children and I wouldn't expect to do everything they do, but your mum seems to want that - if she does, then she needs a holiday just with you.

I wouldn’t tell her there are no future holidays as such. I would just book next years and not tell her. And next September say ‘Ooh we’ve booked Corfu, got a last minute deal’.

I understand. It's tough to juggle. My mum is widowed and it has massively affected her confidence, she was so used to my dad being in charge of stuff (including holidays) she feels she can't do things on her own even though objectively she's perfectly able. She's capable of tons on her home ground, with her, under her own steam, but as soon as I'm there to lean on, or shes away from home, it's like a huge relief to defer everything to me and she is way less independant.

I don't have the same situation as you with kids etc, but with my mum now it works better to go on shorter/less frequent holidays with her just her and me, rather than combine her into my "main" holidays or trips. I can enjoy myself on holidays with her and we can have a lovely time, but only if it's just her and me. If I try to combine her with my partner or other family it's about 10x less enjoyable.

How often has Dm been away recently - she probably never thought about being on her own. I don't get why that is such an issue for her - if you can't get around easily just sit and look at your phone or people watch.
Possibly she has found it a bit unnerving being alone in a crowd, hence the needing company - she probably didn't think of this any more than you did.

But who want's to go on holiday to sit around - it is selfish of her imv to inflict that on you.

Worth pointing out that the beach issue isn't simply about accessibility but also the presence of sand. I can buy that nobody realised how hard it would be for her to access this particular beach, but DM has gone into a beach holiday knowing full well how she feels about sand. She wasn't going to be happy going to a beach even if there were no mobility problems at all.

I think you've discovered in real time that someone's capabilities at home, in their own place, with things set up in ways that suits them are different to what they can do somewhere new and different and not set up for them.

No more holidays like this one together.

I disagree.
You can enjoy your time with your children AND your mum together. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. I’ve done that many times with my own dcs and my parents. It’s great for everyone.

However, it means the holiday needs to be catered for everyone needs - not a beach where someone with mobility issues can’t go.
And there lies the problem. The OP thought her mum would just make herself smaller and ‘not a burden’. She thought she was doing her mum a favour by inviting her but also exoecting her to not be with them all of the time. All wo talking to her about her expectations. (Clearly her mum was supposed to be a mind reader).

fwiw personally anyone who invites me on a ‘family’ holiday but expects me to sit on the sides, in my own, whikst everyone eise enjoys themselves can get lost. I’ve done it many times. Too many times. I wouldn’t accept that. We either travel together or not.

You are not being unreasonable.

I holidayed twice with my late mother and her sister (my aunt). We did things together because organising was left to me. They paid for themselves. We're talking around 15 years ago when I vowed never again. My aunt now drops hints about us holidaying together. It's a non-starter because I like to fly, she hates it.

Holidaying with a close relative needs a lot of groundwork beforehand to avoid the situation you've found yourself in. It doesn't need a long explanation at the moment, just let the dust settle. Maybe your mother will decide for herself that a future holiday would not work.

You don't get to have another opportunity to share your children's childhood. You don't get the playing on the beach, running into the sea etc, time back. Hopefully everyone's mother will die, because no decent mother wants to bury her child. That doesn't mean sacrifice on the part of the child.
I'm not far off your Mum's age. I holidayed with my adult children and grandchildren. I took a book and enjoyed time reading and relaxing. I've dropped a friend (59) who tries to turn everyone into her daily carer. It's ongoing, it's exceptionally selfish and self absorbed. I do agree that a bit more thought should have went into the location and expectations before booking. It sounds as though she needed somewhere flat with mobility scooter hire. Or a day time activity programme. Everyone has to make or find their own entertainment.

I think it's quite possible that cognitive changes could happen years or even decades before dementia is diagnosed.

My Great Aunt had dementia but for many years before she would talk about depressing maudlin stories when the little kids weren't around. She would smile and fuss the kids when they were there but straight back to who had died and how awfully (many years ago) when they weren't. We didn't know it at the time but with hindsight I think her cognition was already affected by dementia.

^^^ This. No need for drama!

Goodness she’s only 63 !
I am a similar age , no way would I expect any of my daughters to be looking after me .
In fact I’m still looking after my youngest adult daughter ( she has disabilities)
If I was on a holiday or a break away with them and felt I didn’t want to or couldn’t take part in some activities then I’d be happy reading or sat people watching in a cafe

I think she’s been quite silly to think you were all going to go on holiday to Majorca and not want to go to the beach at some point. But maybe you needed to spell that out to her more clearly.

Communication works both ways

Not a surprise to me one bit. We must move in different circles.