To tell my mum I’m not taking her on holiday again?

My Dad did everything for my Mum - to the extent of even drying her when she got out of the bath. When he died unexpectedly, it was clear that she expected me to fill the gap. As I lived a four hour flight away, and had a husband, new baby and job, that wasn’t going to happen. This made me “shit as a daughter.” When we went away with her, the incapability of doing anything drove me mad - not just getting a drink, but even deciding what to have for dinner. It was like having an extra child. We didn’t go away with her again - non-stop moaning and criticism, and no, we weren’t going to lock the baby in the hotel room and go to the bars. She wouldn’t compromise with a bottle of wine on the balcony, so I left her to it and went to bed. She was the same age as your mother. It’s like leaving the house suddenly rendered her helpless, although she had been on holiday with a friend since my Dad died and I’m pretty sure she didn’t ask Sheila to dry her when she had a bath!

I sometimes wonder this? Daily life is a grind for most ordinary adults, especially those who live on their own. They have nobody to do half of the household tasks to lighten the load; and nobody to take care of them, when they ill. They have to do everything in the house.

When they go to stay at someone else’s house, or in OP’s case go on a family holiday - do they think “I can sit back and be looked after by [close relative] for a nice rest…”

TBH It sounds as though your mother is a being a bit selfish!
So if she doesn't want to do something, everyone else is expect to not go either? Its very unreasonable to make you feel bad for wanting to spend time with your children at the beach ffs! Honestly, what did she expect if you're staying at a beach resort?!
I'm assuming is less of her physical capability but more of her lack of mental ability to spend time on her own.
I would treat her a bit like the toddler shes behaving and tell her her its the beach with you or she can stay at the hotel on her own. Theyre the two choices, done!
Sorry its ruined your holiday but you know not to invite her again!

It sounds awful. I wouldn’t want to be in your position.

I wish I could go on holiday with my late mum. Just saying.....

We went away with my MIL and it was hard going so I sympathise. I think people with mobility issues tend to overestimate their capability beforehand then struggle when away. I was really stressed as I had planned everything and had to make changes because she couldn't walk as far as she said she could. I think now you know what she can/can't do, only take her with you if the holiday will be suitable for her. Be clear beforehand that you will expect her to stay alone sometimes if you are all doing an activity she can't cope with and make sure she brings a book or activity for such times. My son also thought I was wrong to argue with MIL when she was being totally ridiculous and shouldn't have said anything but he wasn't the one stressing about everyone having a good time.

@MaxLaRush she plays the victim, and pulls heart strings to get her way - did from the start ‘I’d love to see the kids have a proper holiday’. Manipulated you into taking her.

I wouldn’t tell her it’s the last holiday. It’ll be poor me and you the villain. Just learn from it, and never invite her again.

I think for some people a full week's family holiday with a grandparent just does not work, no matter how well they all get on back home. Sometimes I think the combination of expectations and pressure of being in such close confines can just be too much. Discussions beforehand about expectations are helpful of course but I don't think the theory and reality always measure up.

We have a few holidays with MIL but I think as a family we've come to the decision that sharing our main family holiday with her is just no right for anyone now. She's very independent at home, incredibly fit and well for her age and a perfectly nice woman that we all enjoy spending time with. But as the DC have got older what she wants/needs from a holiday just doesn't match with ours. Before the last holiday we explained what the plans were and all agreed that if we wanted to do things she didn't want to join or didn't feel up to joining she would be more than happy sitting by the pool with a book for a while. When we were actually there she did want to do everything we had planned but on a very different timescale and/or in a slightly different way that made it far less appealing to us. For example, if we planned a day out she wanted to come but wanted to just sit for an hour or so after breakfast 'to let her food go down' before we could set off, then wanted to stop whatever we were doing a few hours later to go for a proper lunch (rather than just a snack), and head back at about 4pm so she had time for a rest and to take a few hours getting ready for dinner. Which of course leaves very little time for sight seeing/activities etc. When the DC were smaller, I don't think we noticed this because it was similar to what we'd end up doing with small children anyway. It's also clear that part of what MIL wants from a holiday is not to have to be independent- which is understandable in many ways. Again, when we had small DC this was not even really something we noticed- DH and I had to plan/feed/carry etc for small children so another person to look after wasn't really an issue. But now the DC look after themselves in the most part it really changes the holiday dynamic to have one member of the group who doesn't want to be left alone for a few mins/order their own food/ask for anything in a shop/make sure they have their own bag/purse/sunhat etc. We've concluded that shorter breaks where we just accept we'll do things MIL's way for a few nights, and main holidays without her, will be better for everyone. Trying to discuss/compromise etc to continue taking her on main holidays feels like it will just end up with her feeling like she's being 'difficult', everyone else feeling frustrated and no one actually having the holiday they want.

@sherbetlemonade well said . If I go away with my family there are some things I can’t do like watersports. I just read on a lounger or go and look at the shops and have a coffee/wine and enjoy the peace. I wouldn’t dream of asking them not to do something they enjoy .

The only way I managed it with my parents was to sit down beforehand and plan.
ie we went on a cruise with them; we all agreed that we’d meet for breakfast and for drinks and dinner.
On port days myself and the kids would go off and explore and sea days we’d do more during the days together.
I very rarely travel with friends as it’s so difficult to meet everyone’s needs and someone always ends up trying to organise things and feeling guilty if everyone’s not happy.
I’m always happy to travel with my now adult kids and their partners as we know each other well enough to say what we want/need without offending anyone.

Dont commit going forward. Perhaps a night away thats it. We dont do that as ours still moans. Its just hard work so a big no. She tells friends nobody takes her away!! 80s

Your mother is still fairly young! I am surprised that she grumbled constantly. I am a bit younger than her and post cancer and sepsis and also struggle with mobility but my youngest DD (with whom I sometimes go on holiday) expects me to help with all the children's stuff that includes swimming with them, changing them into and out of swim wear, night wear etc going on any excursions including all the walking and carrying of bags and so on! I would be glad of some chill time to be honest! I think expectations were different for you both and thats where the problem lay. My DD ignores my limitations which has caused its own tensions but you have gone the other way and over accommodated her!

again, I would say it is more the fault of the mother who is the best placed, nay, ONLY person to know what her limits are, what she needs (versus wants) support with, etc.

It's not like OP forced her on a holiday on false pretences. She knew what a holiday in the sun would consist of, but SHE was the one who wanted to come.

And again, why would she need support with things like managing her meds or getting dressed, on holiday, when she doesn't abroad? It's not like she's taking different meds or wearing different clothes. If OP was moaning about stuff like needing help walking to the loo on the airplane or struggling to walk on sand that would be one thing. But most of the examples OP has given sound like things she can do perfectly well herself, and indeed does 99% of the time when OP isn't there to help her, but doesn't want to when OP is around.

That doesn't make sense. Who goes on holiday with family members they're not close to?

You don't sound like a particularly close or loving family.

You don’t need to say anything, just don’t do it again.

You don't need to tell her you aren't going on holiday with her again. Just don't go on holiday with her again.

I wouldn’t tell her it’s the last one, just book to go as a family next year and if she mentions it you can gently say you felt it didn’t work well last year. Any kind of conversation about it now will lead to hurt and recriminations as it is all very fresh.

We had an awful city break with my mil when both children were small, it was plainly clear to all of us that we were never going to go away with her again and we haven’t. We’ve never spoken about it!

I started taking my mum on staycations after Covid. But one year we decided to go abroad and it was terrible. She wouldn’t eat the same as us and caused arguemneta. That was the last time she ever went away with us. I wouldn’t tell her you’re not doing holidays together as that will sour the relationship but tell her after you’ve booked the next one.

This ^
just never do it again, don’t discuss a holiday with her any more. Because if you asked she might say that next time she would behave differently but in reality she wouldn’t.
I know what you are taking about. Taking her on holiday didn’t stop you being mother yourself - your kids needed attention and it was a holiday for you as well. On a group holiday everybody should give and take but by the sound of your posts your mum didn’t get it.

I really relate to this - independent and capable older family member who wants to be looked after on holiday, which is so exhausting! I have a child with health needs so would be sorting everything out for him and making sure all accommodations were made. Would finally get to sit down for dinner and a glass of wine ages after everyone else and she would immediately ask me to do the same for her (she didn't need the same accommodations, she just wanted to feel like she was also getting some special treatment). It's just hard on holiday to feel like you have to look after everyone else, especially when their needs are in conflict and you're wondering when you might get to lie on a sunlounger with a cocktail and a book and switch off worrying about other people!

OP has already established that her mother has some mobility issues. It still doesn't make her elderly. She is independent and manages fine. The 60-65 year olds I know are all still working full time.

she has mobility problems but is independent and normally manages herself

she can manage when I’m not there

she can manage when I’m not thereshe is quite capable

mum normally sorts her own medication at home. that’s another reason I’ve found it strange that she’s wanted me to do it here

I cared for my mum for years until she died of cancer. She felt bad that she needed help and she was always worrying about my dc and thanking me. My MIL was the same. She was dying but kept saying she was fine and not to worry. Your mum sounds very moany and difficult - her comment to the stranger was absolutely disgraceful. She sounds selfish and rude.

No need to announce she won’t be coming to spoil any further holidays. Just go without her.

I’ve just come back from a family holiday with my mum, I mean my mum can do stuff for herself though, but had she of not been able to I would of for sure said this is what we’re doing, I will be going out with the kids alone etc, and if you’re ok with that then fine, but I will be doing that

as it turns out we’ve done things with her and she’s done her own things too

63 is working age not elderly 😮 and this lady nips to the bar alone when others are upstairs in the room 😂 so hardly needs 1 to 1 constant supervision .