To tell my mum I’m not taking her on holiday again?

None if that has happened with the OP.
And yes tye OP’s mum expected that someine will be with her. Because as been pointed out by another poster the OP says
she kept saying she’d love to see the kids having a proper holiday
Thats what the mum was expecting. Why she came. Wouldn’t be put off if someone changed a beach hols into a museum one? Or a group hols into each individual doing their own things on their own. Same thing.

@HouseBee I don't understand what you are trying to say in your last paragraph. Are you suggesting that they should have changed the beach holiday to a museum one so that the mum could have shared it fully? But do you think the kids would still consider that a proper holiday if time on the beach is what they prefer?

If this holiday was to be, for example, a short break where they could all do stuff together and the OP and her family were able to have another family holiday separately to this, then I think it would be fair enough to try to plan activities that included everyone, including the mum. But if this is to be their only holiday of the year then it seems a bit harsh to expect them all to forego the activities they most enjoy because Gran can't join in.

But OPs mother doesn't like sand. The kids presumably do. So for her to be able to see them enjoying the holiday rather than be doing her own things, they'd have to forego the beach part. Of their beach holiday.

Never again, no guilt. She had her chance, and she behaved selfishly.

She is 63, not 83, and this level of neediness is unfair to you. There are only so many years you will get to enjoy a holiday with all your children and you kindly offered to have her share that experience, but given her behavior, it would be foolish of you to sacrifice that precious and fleeting time with your children again.

If your mother didn't want to partake in various things, then fine, but she shouldn't have held you back from them, too, and that is where you can never invite her again. If you do, it will again be at the expense of time with your children. That is time you will never get back, as with each passing year, they grow so much.

I’ll tell you how things work for me,

The day is organised taking into account my needs.
We discuss what we would ALL want to do.
Like you would for any group holiday. It needs to work for everyone.

My two adult dcs, who love outdoor stuff etc.., do NOT do outdoor stuff if we’re away together. (Talking about trail running, climbing ,3 days walks here)
We do stuff centred around towns museums etc… which they also enjoy btw.

We might agree to do one thing separately. Not because I’m disabled or what not. But because it has been a DISCUSSION between us. And everyone makes an effort.

None if that has happened with the OP.
And yes tye OP’s mum expected that someine will be with her. Because as been pointed out by another poster the OP says
she kept saying she’d love to see the kids having a proper holiday
Thats what the mum was expecting. Why she came. Wouldn’t be put off if someone changed a beach hols into a museum one? Or a group hols into each individual doing their own things on their own. Same thing.

you only restrict everyone if whatever you have planned doesn’t take into account the person who is disabled in the first place.

Trust me, I’ve been disabled for many years and I can tell you you can plan a hol with someone is disabled where everyone is included.

By that I means planning ahead. Not assuming the disabled person will just ‘stay in her room’ or ‘do her own things’ wo any idea of what those things could be.
Thats what I mean by crumbs - planning the whole hols fur yourself and the needs of the disabled person is just an add on that THEY will have to deal with on ther own. Which is exactly what the OP did. And what do many posters are saying tge mum should have done.

Interesting quote you took from the OP
she kept saying she’d love to see the kids having a proper holiday"
How do you square that with wanting to do things on their own, WITHOUT her mum? How is that allowing her to see the kids enjoying the hols if she is in her own in her room or doing her own things??

So does one person having mobility issues then mean that if they are not able to do (or don't fancy) an activity, nobody else can do it either? OPs mum seems to expect that.

I suspect most of us would tell even a person with zero mobility issues that they might find a beach holiday frustrating if they don't like sand.

Situation with tye OP is tye same.
She never thought about accessibility with her mum.

I think that is unfair and untrue. Did you actually read the OP?

She said:
I thought we’d all do some things together and she’d do her own thing sometimes while we took the kids off somewhere. instead I seem to have spent the week looking after mum. she wants me to go everywhere with her, ...

I’ve missed things the kids wanted to do because mum didn’t want to be left."

She's not suggesting that her DM should be "happy with the crumbs" as you put it but it would be unreasonable to expect everyone else in the party to totally restrict themselves to only do activities thatvGrandma can join in. Yes their Dad can go with them for some things but it is the OPs holiday too and she ought to be able to expect some time with her kids rather than being her DMs companion 24/7.

I’m sure that if she had chosen to spend money on a holiday, she’d have chosen one that was accessible to her.
Yet that doesn't necessarily match up with what OP said:
"she kept saying she’d love to see the kids having a proper holiday"

She expressed a preference to see the kids having a holiday. The first choice for them is unlikely to be the sort of holiday that is fully accessible to Grandma. Compromise has to be made therefore and it sounds to me like OP is the one being expected to make all the compromises in this case.

Well I’m much younger and have mobility issues.
Does it mean that I should never exiect my own children to adjust to my disability by taking it into account when booking a hols with me?

Beimg independent,
like the OP’s mum is, doesn’t mean it’s also ok to push her aside or not take her into account for that holiday.

Because this is tge thing. It’s not an issue about someone naking it hard fir others just furvtye same of it.
It’s an issue with one member of the party disability not taken into consideration. It doesn’t matter tge age if the person really. Beimg asked to cinstantky wait it out ‘because sureky you can spend a couple of hours on your own’ whikst everyone else is having fun is utterly shit. Being there, done that p. The result is that I have been refusing to go away with my dh and my then teenage children. Because it was never a holiday altogether as a family. It was their holiday where I was supposed to have bread crumbs and be happy with it….

Situation with tye OP is tye same.
She never thought about accessibility with her mum.
And then wondered with her mum was ‘needy’ because she wasn’t happy to be pushed aside. She ought to have been happy with the crumbs. Right… I’m sure that if she had chosen to spend money on a holiday, she’d have chosen one that was accessible to her.

Yes! We always book extra legroom seats for the flights, because DH is 6’4’ and struggles in economy seats for any length of time. We flew a few weeks ago, and were insulted to be asked at check in, if we needed “special assistance”?

I wondered if this was a trick question to throw us out of the extra leg room seats, given that passengers have to be fit and able to help the other passengers through the emergency exits off the plane?

Give her a break.
We tend to look back at things with rose-coloured specs when loved ones are no longer with us....it's human nature.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable OP. If I go on holiday with another adult I don’t expect to spend every moment at their side. Even if she struggles with mobility she could stay at the apartment and read a book for a few hours to give you some time off.

Focus on getting home. Have a week to decompress. Take your kids for a day out when you get back to apologise. I wouldn’t say to your mum you wouldn’t go on holiday again unless she asks- by her complaining to other guests she’s given you the perfect excuse to just say but you didn’t enjoy it last time.

Separately I’d use this as a warning for how she’ll be long term at home and try to put things in place so you don’t get sucked into doing more at home. She says she needs help with groceries, order online; she can’t get to the doctor, taxi or community lifts.

She sounds lonely and like she might end up asking for help because she likes the company it provides

There's always one

63 is decades too young for this shit.

Agreed.

OK so she has some mobility issues but does she really need 24/7 care?

I am 64 and on holiday with 68 year old DH right now. Boggling a bit at the thought we might need help!

Decades ago we used to have quite a few holidays with PILs and even in their early 70s they didn't need that much looking after. By their late 70s different story, family holiday no longer working. If your DM is being this clingy at such a young age you need to have some boundaries

She did.
And she's trying to train OP to be her skivvy.
To such an extend she ruined the holiday.
OP's child's holiday was spoiled.
Absolutely not acceptable.

OP had better have a good hard look at what her future looks like with a selfish pain in the arse like that.

63 is decades too young for this shit.
I know 60 something's with teenagers.

I would be talking about moving away, not future holidays.

Agree with your mum wanting you to be her 24/7 skivvy. Where's YOUR holiday in all this?

Its nearly over. Lesson learned. Say nothing but dont invite her next time.

Your mum didn't want a family holiday - she wanted a skivvy to take her on holiday and focus solely on her. She's absolutely outrageous to have ruined both your holiday and your family's. I wouldn't have put up with it in the first place but I definitely think you need to be very clear that it won't be happening again and that her behaviour has been absolutely unacceptable.

Yes I think so. They feel like finally someone will do something for them and help them if they make themselves seem helpless enough. With the same breath helping absolutely no one else ever.
I think of my poor mum who has been completely devoted to looking after her mother for the past 15 years. Before that she was doing basic caring duties for 10 years. That’s 25 years of my mothers life caring for an adult, who frankly has only needed genuinely a huge amount of care for 6 months.

It's like going to the dog corner on MN to tell people that they should not complain about any issues with their dogs, as my dog died..

I am 62 with mobility issues. I went to my sons wedding overseas. I spent time alone because doing some things long walks etc arent possible. I enjoyed myself had some nice meals read some books and did what was comfortable. I enjoyed it and didnt want my DSs waiting on me or sitting with me when they could be having fun. Your Mum sound very clingy and entitled she needs to get a grip. So dont take her next time.

Oh stop

You have made it sound like she's 83 not 63. She sounds insufferable.

@MaxLaRush

This.

Learning curve.

If she eventually brings up another holiday again, just say you don’t think it’s a good idea as it didn’t work very well last time.

Stick her on a train to Scotland for her holidays instead!! 😂

Maybe short mini breaks just you and her would work better, but if that’s how she is, don’t attempt a family holiday again, unless you have reinforcements like your brother and his family too!

I think this is definitely true for some. With my MIL (and I suspect others who have lived alone for a while) I think there's a tricky combination of this and being used to not having to consider what anyone else wants to do etc. And actually for a few days I'm completely OK with that. If it's understood that she's coming to us, or going somewhere away, as a treat for her and we will be dancing to her tune I don't mind doing that for a short period of time. But I don't think anyone wants to spend their own main holiday doing this.
In fact, I don't think this is specific to grandparents/any particular age group. I think anyone who wants to go on holiday with a group of other adults (especially if it's a couple/family etc) has to either a) be happy to do their own thing if they're not keen on what other people have planned- and actually be happy to do it, not grumble or get upset; or b) just go along with whatever the others want to do and make the most of it- again without complaining. I think it applies just as much to someone who wants to go away with a group of friends.