AIBU to feel overwhelmed balancing teaching, leadership, commuting and home life?

Have you always taught in the Private sector? This sounds like a really challenging if not impossible role and the expectation on a Thursday is probably illegal under employment law.

I’m not sure about the “ Head” title as how can this be fulfilled with a full time teaching commitment?
How does your salary compare to state school
( though such a role wouldn’t exist)
Even as a Middle Leadership TLR in state you’d have half a day a week PPA ( most schools allow this from home and you get so much done) and half a day every other week management time
( usually in school)

The commute especially with DC sounds tough too.
I’d look for another job. Teaching is hard enough without all this added pressure.
Take care of yourself. Life’s too short to be under such pressure.

P.S. sorry my post wasn’t uplifting and I’m so sorry for your losses.

Get a new job. Private schools absolutely take the pee regarding workload- at least in state there are rules and union protection. You absolutely cannot fulfil the head role being s full-time teacher as well. Leave. Or at least threaten your board that you will leave if they don't sort it out.

You need to look for another job because that is not sustainable and that school doesn't sound like a viable business if that is how it's being run. I wouldn't want to be paying to send my children somewhere that treated its staff like that. Really you should get signed off and spend the time job hunting.

Sounds absolutely awful, OP. Can you change jobs? I teach 3 days a week, am pregnant with a 19mo and some health issues (minor but autoimmune so my energy is really low, iron low, toddler still doesn't sleep through the night). I've been getting tearful at how tired I am and my teaching days are just full on throughout, I've started making sure I stop at least 5 minutes just to eat lunch, do get to the loo at break and lunch but it's really hard and I feel like I'm always behind or forgetting something.

Could you step down from leadership? Look for a new job? From what I've heard some private schools can really take advantage of the staff

I taught for 15 years then my husband left and I had a full on breakdown. I just couldn’t do it anymore.

it’s taken me almost a year to recover and feel like “me” again. Look after you.

I teach private and am an SP to two. It is tough, no doubt. Is this a new leadership role? Is there space to delegate? It is unacceptable to have no break all day. Part of management is recognising that you cannot be effective by doing everything. You can still use unions buy I know that may feel like the nuclear option. What's your line manager or HR like?

On the home front, your dh needs to step up more, ADHD or no. A weekend spent setting up task lists, rotas etc would be time well spent so you dont come home to chaos. You have the child with you so he gets an empty house and peace all day. WFH in an empty house is about as far from teaching as you can get and he needs to recognise that.

On the commute, your 6yo can happily listen to stories to allow you some mental down time. Ideally with headphones so you can have either silence or your own choice.

There's a lot of elements that make things tough, but one bit at a time they are fixable.

It sounds like it's very much time to look for a new job - probably state sector. They generally have better work-place protections, and there's less of that "we're a business here to make the families happy". In the state sector, there's much more of an attitude of "don't like it, fuck off then."

I've got a friend who quit a class teacher role in a private girls school last September, also with a little boy in tow, and is now starting her second year in a state primary, and is a million times happier.

I'm a teacher as well, and also suffered a burn out situation. In the end, I quit, and it took the school less than 24 hours to replace me.
I now do full time supply teaching, have a successful private tutoring side hustle, and help run a holiday club in the breaks. I make the same money as I did before, with MUCH less stress and less hours.

I'm a senior leader in a state school and very very similar to you. Get into work at 6.45 to try and get ahead for the day. I manage my diary but with the sheer volume of work, duties, teaching, staff constantly at my door, I often have my first meal of the day at 4.30pm. Leave the building between 5 and 6 and then when I have the energy I log back on in the evening once the children are in bed. I've currently got a pile of work I'm meant to be doing today and I simply cannot face it. I'm exhausted

Honestly, life is too short for this much stress. 32 years teaching here, but crucially not in leadership - feck that shit. Get another job elsewhere, not leadership.

I imagine if you're less stressed your body might be more relaxed & your chances of gettimg pregnant might improve. At the very least, removing that stress will make life so much better. Sorry for your losses❤️

Honestly, I've seen so many colleagues like you. Being senior or 'head' may make you feel like you're winning, but it never is. I've been in this game too long & see the leadership BS for what it is. You are so much more important than any of it.

No job is worth this much stress. The stress will be contributing to your secondary infertility.
I’d take some time off sick for starters and then I’d look for a new job. You really need to be getting at least 1/2 hr at lunch to just eat and take a breather/ go for a short walk to clear your head. You deserve better.

I am not in teaching so don’t know the answer to this. What’s the difference in salary between normal teacher and a leadership role as sounds like it needs to be a lot to make it even vaguely worthwhile ?

I would get out of there! I’m SLT in a primary, full time and teach 2 days a week. The workload is unmanageable but after a serious MH episode in July, I’m trying to be more realistic about what I can and can’t do, and what is and isn’t important. My DS is grown up and no longer at home. I honestly don’t know how you’re doing it. You simply can not continue like this. Do you feel under pressure to stay as DS is there?

I totally agree. On paper I'm ready to progress up, which was always my ambition. I also know I'm good at my job which makes it harder as I do know I'm having an impact with what I do. I just know it's unsustainable. Going off sick doesn't feel an option as sickness record will go to any new job even if I take a step down.
I'm on a good salary, however most of it is spent on things to help me survive my job...quick meals from the petrol station as I don't have headspace to meal plan etc etc.

Another one who doesn’t know how you do it!

I teach 3 days a week with two older children at home, and I find that exhausting enough.

The benefit of experience though has shown me that different schools vary dramatically in terms of workload/expectations/management. A different school might help in terms of reducing hours etc. As might a step down from leadership. I feel fortunate that the management at my current school (albeit state) are very much on the side of staff and workload etc and although my days are long and often lunch is 15 minutes only, I rarely work longer than 8-5pm. Which is good, as when I get home I have no choice but to be in full time mum mode until the kids go to bed around 9pm!

I feel overwhelmed just reading this - I’ve just gone back full time teaching after my maternity leave and trying to balance home and work is tricky with only teaching and subject leadership duties to contend with.
Far too much is being expected of you, SLT duties generally can’t be carried out effectively alongside full time class teaching.
My advice would be to get out.
I’m so sorry for your losses - take care of yourself.

I was leadership in a secondary school and had two small children. Every day I got home I used to say, Something has got to give. In the end it did and I had to take three months off and then went back part-time. My headteacher was sympathetic fortunately but I took early retirement in the end.

It’s probably not worth it for you and I don’t know how you do it with a full timetable. Time to start looking for another job I would say.

This is why I won't take a leadership role while I have small children. Get out while your son is still young enough that you can change schools without it being too big an issue. I teach in a state primary with two primary aged kids and a short commute and it's absolutely fine - I can see myself doing it for years and years because it isn't hugely stressful and the workload is manageable. Realistically it doesn't sound like your situation is sustainable.

Employment law states 20 minute break after 6 hours.

I am a teacher too but you have to put your own oxygen mask on first or you'll end up with bladder or kidney issues, OP!

Set an example.

I'm a head of faculty in a private prep and relate so much to your post. The hours, expectations and workload keep going up, the staff ratios are lower and the pay remains frozen so that it's now 1000s of pounds a year below state schools. 3/4 of our SLT have small children and I genuinely don't know how they cope (unlike you, they do have light teaching timetables though). We're a boarding school with free 7am-7pm wraparound for day pupils so have to do late duties too.

I stay for the small class sizes, the ability to teach rather than firefight and the long holidays. But if I had children idk if I could.

It's worth weighing up your pros and cons for sure.

I get you, you're good at your job & proud of it, as you should be. BUT, & it's a big but, it's at the expense of everything else in your life. I've seen SLT become their job, it's what defines them, & 2 have had their marriages fail in the last 2 years. No-one knows what goes on behind closed doors, but I'll bet the workload/erasing of the self/ time is a big factor. ALL the female SLTs we have also have no children. It's not unrelated; those with time to slide up the greasy pole do it, then when they get there work takes over. The men have wives at home taking the slack/ are single/ divorced.

I'm old. I've seen it all & it all come around again too. I don't love my job anymore, but I still like it, but that's because I knew I didn't want to climb the greasy pole & resisted it at every turn.

Please think of you first. You've said yourself the money isn't worth it.❤️

I quit teaching and had a successful pregnancy straight away after having similar problems to you. Stress is a likely factor. I’d get out, or at least cut back to part time, or do supply instead.

I would look for short term goals.
getting a break
time with your son
Your home

Could you move staff around so you get a break? See it as non-negotiable
could you timetable in time after dinner with your son that’s spellings, reading and then relaxing together?
plan for your house to have a big sort out in October half term. Until then try and work on or two areas that you can keep chipping away at

I’ve never seen a private school head teach other than a couple of classes to get to know dc. Your employers are exploiting you and you must know this! Most private school positions give staff discounts so why choose this school? A nearer school with less financial worries (and there must be if the head teaches!) would surely be better?

State schools give profit to staff dc these days and heads of decent sized schools don’t teach! Even in village schools they might teach part time. What on earth made you take this job?