DSS16 living like a hermit and DH seems to be in denial

What does he say when you say eg “dinner is ready, can you come sit at the table?”

Does your DH ever buy tickets for the football or cinema and say “come on, we’re going out” to DSS?

Its hard. I'd be arsey and say he isnt coming to stay unless he lives a normal reasonable existence while in our house, but of course its your husbands house as well and his son so not sure you can do that.

I think the lockdowns are a bit of a red herring. Children who were already like this, are still like this, they enjoyed the fact that they had an excuse to stay away from othe rpeople, you saw it with adults as well, the most it did was give validation to excuses about people 'not being able to cope with the world'

You have to be taught to cope with the world so in that respect children who werent taught that will be on the back foot and obviously parents who didnt bother to ensure that their children had social experiences, family experiences or role model social behaviour now are going to have children who will struggle.

Add on top of that whatever other things may be going on, depression, attachment dysfunction etc. This child needs help but you can only do that by being forceful, most kids are not going to see they have a problem and want to explore that.

He's a shut in. Physically, emotionally, socially and mentally extremely damaging.

I wouldnt tolerate it in a shared house. The room must smell as well no doubt? Food and a teenager shut in there for 48 hours straight?

Not sure how to force the issue, but its not ok.

How do you know what he's doing on.tje computer all the time? Is anyone monitoring it?

Can you go in there and ask him to teach you gaming? Just be an unthreatening presence for now? A few hours here and there? If his parents aren’t doing anything and you can’t tolerate seeing it?

Sadly a lot of teenagers are trapped in this cycle. DH needs to bring him for a meal, to the cinema, bowling, he is in a hole and probably doesn’t have the sense or experience to change his life. The other thing is, he’d have online friends so he chats to them.

It isn’t healthy. The adults in his life need to help him, the coming out at 10.30pm is normal enough, as soon as we go to bed, DD starts moving around the house.

There needs to be a balance. Taking him out socially on a Saturday, it would help, if he has no RL friends he has no where to be.

My teens aren't that extreme, they will come and have a chat and will eat with us. They also go out occasionally, but most of their time is in their bedrooms. It seems crazy to me as I was out everyday at that age but that's not how it is anymore. My DD would like to go out more but her friends don't go out much. Most of their socialising is at home online or in school. This is the age group who went through lockdowns at the key stage of social development, I think it's caused a huge shift in how they socialise.

It sounds very difficult, kind of especially as the step parent, hoping the actual parents can get a handle on this.

What's your own relationship with SS like? Or, what was it like before this happened?

As a way in - He does have a hobby - gaming - can you get him talking about that? And find out if he plays online with regular others or alone?

It's your house, OP, so you have a say on the situation. But I agree with PP that it would make lose respect for my DH.

I feel sorry for him too, reading that. You say it’s only happened in the last 6 months - is there a reason? Have his previous friends moved to different schools? Is he in classes where he knows nobody? Has something happened in his life to upset him? Is he being bullied?

He sounds like he’s depressed and avoiding you. It could be that he wants help but is paralysed by the depression, or doesn’t know how to ask for it or is scared to raise the subject. Gaming to such an extent isn’t going to help poor MH.

I know he’s not your son, but I couldn’t leave him like this. I’d give you DH an ultimatum: you talk to him or I will because he’s clearly suffering. I’d follow through with that too, and I would gently talk to him if his father won’t.

If neither of his parents care you're on a losing battle.

I'd be repulsed at a man who had failed his kid so badly. The lack of care, lack of parenting, and choosing to barely see him. The son is going to be hugely resentful, rightly so, if he's not already.

Also is he just gaming, or potentially online with undesirable contacts?

Is he stoned?

He feels like he’s doing a grand job as he’s always had him every weekend and half of every school holiday
No one could possibly think they're a successful parent for this, that's less than part time parenting, and your husband isn't even parenting when his son is in the garage.
There's nothing you can do, but do you not want better from life than this?

Perhaps it's an important haven for DSS. How about try and have a dinner together over the weekend? He perhaps finds sixth form overwhelming and needs the quiet time. It may not be a bad thing.

DD2 (17) has ASD and ADHD. She has a job, drives, has friends, goes to the gym and is sociable. But sometimes needs a lot of alone time in her room to recharge her batteries. It's a haven for her.

Firstly it sounsa possible that both your son and husband are autistic ? Or are st least both introverts

My child is autistic and i make sure they don't completely lose themselves to indoor life

Whatever the reason this is obviously not a great situation

For me. I would need total honesty and facing up to it from your dh in order to believe in him as a partner.

Part of it is normal behaviour for an introverted 16 years old. It's important to respect their need to isolate themselves to recover from the week.

However, this is extreme and could indicate a social problem. Does he friends at his mum? How is he doing at school? How was he before? Does he otherwise have a good relationship with his dad? Any issues at home with mum?

Many factors to consider to decide whether this is a concern or not.

There is probably nothing you can do as a step parent of a child who doesn't even live with you. But, of course, this isn't ok and is hugely concerning and your husband should be engaging with his son - involving him with DIY, having a catch up conversations with him in the evenings, maybe even joining him in gaming (and I would advocate for any gaming, computer and TV devices only being accessible in the family room). The issue is unlikely to resolve when he learns to drive. Where does your husband think the kid will be driving if he has no friends and no activities outside the house?