DSS16 living like a hermit and DH seems to be in denial

I know you have no relationship with your DD’s mum, but if I were her I would be completely grateful to you for flagging this up with me. I don’t understand people here saying stay out of it as it isn’t your son. If you had extended family who were struggling or even a stranger in the street, should only their birth parent help? Ridiculous.

Obviously this needs to be handled extremely sensitively but your dh burying his head in the sand isn’t a solution. I say this as someone who had similar problems with my son.

As nearly always the case in blended families you have a DP problem. I would find it hard to respect him given he seems to have little interest in supporting his child.

I think if he’s out at school/sixth every week day then it’s less of a concern than if he was at home all the time.
Its not good and doesn’t sound healthy but I suspect is the same for quite a number of young people who aren’t into sports and whose interests are based online. Not hugely different to staying in a bedroom rather than a garage.

This is not for you to "tolerate" @mistymoooo

Gaming for hours, at his age, is not unusual, at all.

What is heartbreaking is that neither his Dad nor his Mum seem in the least bit interested.

Your conversation needs to be about your husband's total lack of effort.

Both of his parents aren’t interested, he has no real life friends, didn’t get the points he needed, poor boy.
Teenagers and toddlers are very similar when it comes to guidance and navigating the new world, it’s not the time for take your foot off the pedals.
Hopefully when he finishes his exams this year he’ll branch out, find his tribe, people who are interested in spending time with him.
You are right OP. It is not a good set up.

Does he have his own space at his mums house?His own room?

Points to depression induced social withdrawal. There's some information in this website, including what might help. There are many other resources online too.

How Teen Depression Drives Social Withdrawal in Teenagers

I do find it quite sad that there's a you lad here who seems to be struggling with something and the attitude on so many posts is "we should only care about our own children" and "at least he out the way" or "I'd stop him visiting".

what happened to it takes a village? or family is more than blood? are you also the kind of people who look away if you see a parent slap a kid or turn up the volume so you can't hear the streaming next door? if not where's the line? why is it unreasonable for op to care about a child who's life she's chosen to be in?

I find this idea that because he's your step-son you have no say over anything really bizarre. He's living in your house and you presumably have some kind of relationship with him and want the best for him. You can try to engage with him even if your DH won't. It sounds like something has gone wrong - bullying, depression, awful online content rabbit hole, trouble with a girl/boy... who knows. But he needs someone to help him, because at 16 he doesn't have the experience to know how to get himself out of it.

What would happen if you went and knocked on the door and told him to come for a walk with you in 20 minutes? Or invited him out for some food? Actually tell him you're worried about him, he needs to see daylight and talk to people.

Your DH is useless, but you already know that. If you don't want this kid maundering away in your spare room until he's 40, you need to do something. If his parents aren't going to parent, someone needs to.

I feel for the lad. To me his behaviour suggests depression and low self-confidence. He needs good mentorship and some kind of therapy otherwise he might end up as a socially isolated NEET with a gaming addiction and low prospects. Your DH needs to step up, stop burying his head in the sand and work on improving his son's confidence. Could he get a part-time job, volunteer, join cadets etc? Something like learning boxing, martial arts, gym, sports club etc might also help. Could his father take him fishing/camping? I know he's not your son and you don't want to interfere. His father really needs to do more.

how long have you been in his life? what was your relationship like a year ago?

why is he out in the garden to sleep? has he never had a room in the house?

if he's unhappy at his Mom's would his Dad consider having him full time altho he might actually have to PARENT so probably not.

Does anyone go out and knock to tell him lunch is ready etc? Does DH go and suggest going out somewhere or is he happier to adicate any relationship or responsibility cos "he likes it in there"?

You're in a difficult position if neither of his parents are willing to see the problem and work at it.

I have a very introverted, autistic 15yo who needs a lot of down time, and chooses to play games and watch special interest videos on youtube for much of it. This weekend he has been running at parkrun, volunteering at junior parkrun and been to Warhammer. He's also played chess when his night time curfew has kicked in. He's not motivated to hang out with friends at all, but he has done a mixture of physical and off-line things with a sensible balance.

48 hours of near continuous isolation in a room actively avoiding family is not a healthy behaviour even for quieter teenagers.

Thinking driving will be a magic cure is delusional because he currently has no motivation to drive anywhere.

Really he needs his dad to step up and do things with him. Being in a car together is good for less direct conversation as it's side by side. I often sit next to my teenagers when eating out rather than opposite. The cinema is also a good way of getting out and triggering conversation. My two are Minecrafters and I dabble with it as a form of connection, as it's nice to understand their world. It sounds like the poor lad is very disconnected from both his parents at present at a time of a huge social and maturity change.

Sorry phone went weird. Push DH to find something else: music, cooking, watching football, whatever. The converted garage could be fabulous or it could make DSS feel he’s being pushed out. Would he be tempted by some nice food, a takeaway maybe? It’s a lot for you but I couldn’t relax knowing there was another person in my house isolated and reclusive. He might actually love his independence in there but he needs to come out for meals and s chat from time to time.

I was like this, not at 16 as I got a job and a boyfriend but probably 14-15. I was an only child and spent a lot of time PC gaming and reading. My mum and dad weren't doing anything interesting at the weekends - cleaning, washing the car, watching sport.

Hmmmm, both my teen boys have been like this to a certain extent. DS1 changed when he learnt to drive and got an apprenticeship after school. He suddenly saw how boring his life had been and now he travels the world!

DS2 is 16 and spent most of the summer holed up in his room, although he does engage with family meals and goes to football once a week. His spirits seem to have lifted after starting college and doing a subject he loves. He's looking for a job but yet to find one. But definitely his favourite place is still in his room, gaming and listening to vinyls.

I actually think a lot of teen boys are like this and they eventually snap out of it.

Push DH to f

If he’s got into the habit of being in the room all weekend with dad busy and no one seeking him out he may just feel he isn’t wanted/ welcome. Equally he may enjoy having 48 of gaming and is addicted. Dad really needs to instigate a conversation with him!

This is something for your DH to sort.

He can tell your DSS to do DIY jobs with him/make or eat dinner etc but hes choosing not to.

So I'd just leave them to it TBH.

I wouldn’t worry about it he’s not your son so not your problem and equally it’s not like he’s in the bedroom next door playing games or sat on the sofa taking the living room up. It’s not on you to question or change it’s on father and son and if you start going in interring it probably won’t do you well.

Maybe his DM doesn’t let him game all day in peace.

My son had been a little like that but I'd coming out if it now at almost 18. It's very worrying but also very difficult to tackle. Would your DH offer to take him out to eat? That was once thing my son liked.

You have a husband problem who has let this teenager become isolated. He has a short window to save his son rather than taking the easy route.

I’m sure you’d have thought of this but it’s not as simple as him having nothing to do at yours is it? As in, his life is at his mum’s and he’s forced to leave it behind every weekend? Because at 16 it’s totally fine for him to not want to hang out with his parent/step parent and he might just be waiting for the weekend to be over with. Or even acting out a bit of a protest?
I wondered whether your dh is clinging to the driving licence solution because that’ll mean your dss won’t be stuck at yours away from his everyday life.
It’s good that you care and you have every right to.

I just would never tolerate this from my DS who is almost the same age. He would be a bit like this if he had had the opportunity but he’s been cajoled, persuaded, encouraged and sometimes just told - that he has to do something positive and constructive with his days. Now he’s getting older, he gets it and is appreciative that I didn’t just let him rot.

However, my exes DS was like this too and never had the same grunt work go in to supporting him to be the best version of himself. He later became a failure to launch and he seems to believe he’s incapable of everyday tasks. I know if I had been ‘allowed’ to guide him it could have been different for him.