DSS16 living like a hermit and DH seems to be in denial

I haven't said she should demand or become I third parent. I'm talking about the posters saying it's absolute9nothing to do with her. you'd talk to your partner, you'd report a concern, so not the posters I was talking about . it's the whole "not my monkey, why should I give a shit " mentality

you think it's normal to hide away from his family, peek round corners to make sure no one is around if he needs to come in for food, and to sneak around the house at night in the dark so as to not draw attention to himself?

I don't know anyone who's teenagers are like this. it's worrying in your circles this is typical behaviour. it doesn't speak well of you and your friends

no as someone who has a mother and a father it is not the dads girlfriends place to step in and do a thing unless it has been discussed and spoken about between the actual parents. I have a step chlld who is 13 only comes to dads every other week because that’s the set up they have they talk every day and sometimes we have him extra. If there’s an issue I give my opinion but I don’t get involved and try to insert myself into it. In my opinion yes we can care yes we can try to help but you cannot walk into that room and demand him come out of it or demand he comes off his game or eats with the family it is not going to go down well.

i unfortunately live in a flat and I witnessed the child being left on their own for a short while I seen the child then I seen both parents leave without the child then I seen the parents return but no sound going on from upstairs so there was no adult present cause I hear every footstep so I reported. I also work in the early years industry again I fill out a safeguarding form if I’m required to do so if there’s a concern or risk. As a step parent I think it’s a role to become the child’s friend especially at the age of over 10-11 it’s not your job to be a 3rd parent more of a friend in my view. I believe and see my partners ex as a good enough mother she doesn’t need me to do her job

Yeah, leave him be,
it’s not like we have a mental health epidemic in young people ….

He’s 16. It’s not unusual at his age so leave him be .
You don’t need to babysit him .

He stays out in a converted garage gaming all day to avoid human contact.

is this his bedroom and if so, why is he separate from the rest of the family in the house?

I disagree with posters saying it’s your DHs problem and nothing to do with you. Young people needs the responsible adults in their lives to support them . You clearly care and it does sound as if he is struggling. If I were you I’d make sure his mum knows but also try to be a friend to him . It will take a long time and you’ll probably get ignored etc but chipping away with kindness might help him open up eventually

Is there not space for him to have his own room in the actual house? How is he just simply opting out of the routine of the household, including skipping every family meal? Has your husband tried "inviting" him for specific things he might enjoy - to share a takeaway, for example, or to go out to a sports event or film or concert, or even just watch together on TV? They must have some common interests! Learning to drive doesn't seem like a relevant or viable solution as the son is already walking over to the house when he thinks no one is around/awake; he has no need to drive in order to take part in the household or interact with his dad and you.

We had this and I just bribed bribed bribed (yes I won’t be able to write a psychology book for parents😉). So can you help me with x, can you come here with me, family board game with take away/ cake/ food/ money! Other times I pretended to tidy his room but would chat to him about his games or what he was watching. I honestly think some teens need as much parenting as young kids. Then he’d chat a bit at times and get things out which was great (he might be happy and all might be ok or there could be a problem or maybe he just misses his home) . But your dh is his dad and while obviously you can do these things or help, it shouldn’t be on you (saying that obviously it’s better someone steps up!

Do you live close enough that he could actually see friends or is it too far away? The screen time might worry me but I was the same as a teenager to I was just reading.

I suppose it depends on your relationship with him. Did he talk to you before or was it all through OH?

Probably anything you do will end up wrong so, other than suggesting you all go to a Comic Con or similar, I'd leave it to Dad.

My brother was like that. He is still doing the same at 47 years old. What do you want the future to look like?

Autistic spectrum is very broad, no two autistic persona are alike, and ASD looks very different in girls vs boys so you cannot really compare.

If he had been a bubbly sociable child all those 10 years, then suddenly completely changed 6 months ago, then there may be some other reason for this. If he's always been sort of introverted, he's likely ASD and just stopped masking.

Could also be that his gaming addiction is getting worse, seriously addicted gamers eat very little as the game wouldn't wait.

OP this lad is lucky to have you looking out for him -
his parents seem oblivious to the problem that is clearly here but you can see it and are rightly concerned
your DH has his head in the sand / can’t be arsed / in denial
so I think the decent thing would be for you to step up, as frankly no one else is going to,
I’d try and open lines of communication with him if I were you. Try to give him sense of safety and ability to open to you and let you know what is going on / wrong -
I think you are right to suspect mental health deterioration and that doesn’t generally just sort itself out when someone is in shut down … it just gets worse, reach out to him, be persistent and kind - don’t give up

people will here say not your problem / responsibility / etc

but surely someone in this young person’s life should reach out and not just do nothing because that is what others are doing -

I know 2 people with sons like this. In both the behaviour escalated to such a level that they couldn't leave the house. Both were (eventually) diagnosed with long standing ME that had passed but had left them with severe anxiety.

I think you need to find out what he's like at school and with his mum. The right intervention at this stage could be crucial.

DH needs to talk to his son’s mum about an action plan.
He needs cadets or something, most meet twice a week. It’ll be outdoorsy and adventurous, he’ll learn cool skills and be out in the real world.
Wifi turns off at 8pm and doesn’t turn on until 10am. Games consoles in living room.
But his mum needs to really have a similar routine… or he’ll just stop coming to his dad and stay in his comfort zone of screen addiction and doing nowt.
They need to do something together, get him involved in DIY, a game of uno, something.

What a sad state of affairs? DSS sounds quite lonely and depressed but gaming for 48 hours when he comes to stay at the weekend is unacceptable. DH needs to build a relationship with his son by talking and encouraging him to go out with him socially. He also needs to interact with OP more too. He's been avoidant and rude by sneaking around when he thinks no-one is around. Maybe turn off the wifi for a while will encourage him to at least come out of his room and ask why? Encourage him to cook a meal for everyone if he needs something to eat, it will help to become more self sufficient but hopefully with a more sociable attitude to others in the house. It hasn't helped that he's been allowed to act like this when he joins you for the weekend - so time to change the set up - everyone sitting together for a chat first off and see how things move on from there. Expected boundaries to be discussed and so on. You are all basically adults (well nearly) so you need to act like adults and interact with each other.

Can your DH speak to the wellbeing team at school? Has he kept up his studies?

I agree it is not right. Even if he has autism he still needs to be encouraged to engage in something other than gaming (says a mum to two autistic teens who just want to game all day long).

If DH is doing diy all day and not really mixing with the family, he's not setting an example in terms of familities communicating and doing things together.

Do you get on well with him? He might say 'no', but you could ask him if he'd like to go out for breakfast/coffee&cake treat, do something like bowling/a local place he might enjoy. Obviously he might say 'no' but at least you've tried.

Lots of posters are bombarding you with questions but the problem is your husband.

The teenager wants nothing to do with you, so your choices are about if this marriage serves you, and if you respect and cherish your husband after seeing his failures.

Def not normal to be like this. The only time my DC were like this was when their MH was rock bottom. Your DH or the mum should be addressing this head on. Is he like this all the time or just at yours? Even if he’s decompressing he can still come out of his room - go for a walk, eat a meal in the main house.

Do you live anywhere near his friends? Is distance an issue?
does he have any hobbies when he is not with you?
is he just bored and can’t reach his friends?
why do you not all have a Sunday toast together and why aren’t meal times a family affair?
do the son and dad have any shared interests like golf?
why isn’t the son helping with the DIY or learning some skills at least?
does anyone actually ever plan anything for him to do while he is with you all? Cinema, meal out, bowling or anything?
does he excercise or have a gym membership or bike?
are his friends aloud round? Could you suggest he brings a friend to stay over too so he has some company?

OP look up “Hikikomori” - DH does need to take action.

It sounds like like he’s no friends
its an incredibly difficult age to make new friends
leave him be hopefully he will come into his own when he starts work or college

I was similar to him but used to sit in my room watching tele
I had a shit time at school bullied couldn’t wait to leave no friends
nothing highlights it more and makes you feel worse is telling you you should be out with your friends ( which you haven’t got )

I think its disappointing that people seek to normalise this behaviour. It isnt and shouldnt be viewed as normal. Its extremely unhealthy, its given lots of excuses that he's tired, wants down time, might be ASD, hes a boy, he's a teen, its a phase

It needs challenge.

My neighbour’s daughter is like this and has been for years. Her parents left her thinking it was normal teenage behaviour but it’s very extreme. She’s 18 now. When she was in schhol she was dropped and collected by her parents every day and it was the only time she left her bedroom. At weekends she lies in bed until 1pm but then stays in her room on her tech all day. Doesn’t ever leave the house or interact with her parents. I haven’t seen her in months. It’s very sad. She is a very shy girl. She never sees friends. Her blind in her bedroom is permanently drawn and has black mold growing on it as a result. I don’t think her parents know how to help her