Would I be unreasonable to stop toddler overnights with dad and nan?

I think go with your plan. Explain it's not about him but about his mum, and that you don't want to stop the two of them seeing her but just have a different set up. If he is ok with it hopefully fine.

I am quite shocked by all the people saying you are overreacting and it is all fine. No way would I let my child be put at risk. Imagine uf you ignored your instincts and the worst happened?

This may be the best solution OP.

His mum might prefer that option anyway.

I think you need to have a chat with Dad first. He may see that things aren't great with his mum but what choice does he have? Like unless he can afford to pay a carer for the time he is with his child, his mum maybe the only support he has. Maybe just say you've noticed a few things that concern you and you are thinking his mum maybe struggling, what can you do to help? If he is defensive then obviously you may need to take things further for your child's safety, but maybe Dad would welcome the help.

These things always depend upon the established circumstances at the time of court. With a preference towards shared contact wherever possible.

In this situation shared contact has already been agreed between parties. The dad facilitates his weekend contact including support from his mum. It is his choice who looks after his child during his established contact time.

My ex works away and often leaves our child with grandparents, or makes them sit on their own watching conferences, going to trade shows etc. I know our chidl would rather be with me but legally its his choice.

But most of the time the dad isn't even there and he isn't looking after the child. Surely the court would take that into account?

This is not how a court would see the situation.

He has chosen for his mum to look after the child overnight during his contact time. A court wouldn't change this without exceptionally good reason.

It is a parents right to do whatever they want with a child during their contact. This could be staying with friends or relatives, childcare, holiday club etc.

It's not that his mum has contact. His mum is looking after the child during dad's contact due to disability. That's not the same thing at all.

Agreed. But it's not the grandmother's acres time. It's the disabled father's access time, where he chooses to engage help from his mum. Clearly the dad does see his child during those weekends, just not for the overnight segment - because he can't.

It's important for him to forge a relationship with his child without supervision from his ex.

This is what I was thinking - there is simply no point to this, and the grandmother has no legal right to access

Of course you are dictating the support he has. He has arranged to get support from his mum on the overnight (in that he sees her with his mum doing a lot of the caring and she does the overnight).

Childcare and support during his time is solely his call. Whilst he uses his mum, it could be a friend, it could be paid help, it could be a new partner. It's his call, not yours.

Ps you can stop overnights with grandma anytime you like for any reason and can’t be criticized by him or court as dad isn’t even there

I would say
’there are lots of things you and your mum have send me during your time out in the community where you’ve shown me things that are not safe and place her at risk of serious injury, unfortunately this has not got better it’s got worse. For her safety i need to stop leaving her in your care in non child safe places - I will faciiiatw you spending time together and child centred dog free
comminyty locations eg soft play and library until we have had a chance to sort out the safety aspect of things, eg via mediation. If you don’t agree to keep her in these safe locations, then I’ll need to insist on contact centre only .’ Then offer times for contact. This will show if he takes this to court that you’ve been promoting their relationship as long as it’s safe.

Yes I understand from your point of view. But that is not how a court will see it.
So you can suggest it but he doesn't have to agree to it. If he doesn't agree then you will have little option. As PP have said, the bar is quite high here and he's trying to facilitate the contact with his mum's assistance and a court will not see this list of things as sufficiently serious. Especially as for some of them he's already agree to adjust.

I think you may find being careless can be and often is neglectful.

I would suggest the change to dad and see what he says. It sounds like it may not actually make a huge difference to him? The grandmother has no right to contact really.

But the overnight is at the grandparents home and the father isn't even there so surely a court wouldn't order that should continue as it isn't actually contact with the father
He is free to leave his child with whomever he wants when it's his contact time. In his case, he has a very good reason to do so. He might just go home to sleep because there isn't a good bed for him at his parents and good quality sleep is even more important for people with MS to have the right energy during the day so in all likelihood, the court would say he is being very responsible.

He doesn't have supervised contact, it's semi supported contact. He is able to be alone with his child. You can't on one hand say he needs supervised contact, but on the other say you'll leave him for the school run etc. Either he is a risk or he isnt.

I've been through years of court with an abusive ex. They didn't care at all about far more serious issues. If you went to court it could go against you quite badly.

Some of these incidents do need addressed - mainly the carseat straps. But it sounds like you are struggling with lack of control over the situation. Ultimately that's what happens when a family seperates. Some counseling might help you rationalise it all a bit. Some of what you think are incidents are just normal parenting differences. My kids have been in fields with cows, and unless there's calves or bulls its not an issue.

Physical disability he can't be alone with his child, having some time with his child without his ex present is probably quite important.

I understand your frustration at some of the issues that I don't think it is bad enough to stop the access that he has. To say all access must be done with you supervising at your house, feels very controlling. As an equal parent, it's up to him to choose who assists him because of a physical disability, not you. This feels a lot like disability discrimination tbh.

I can understand the frustration with the accumulation of the little things, but ultimately most of what you describe are little issues to me.

A 20 months old falling is almost unavoidable, and a sofa isn't that high for a toddler. My 1 year old was already climbing up the window seal!
You don't actually know whether the dog scratched her. I think it would be difficult to tell apart a scratch from a branch to a scratch from a dog really.
The nappy changes can happen. As long as she doesn't develop nappy rashes, it's not a big deal. Same for the clothing at soft play. The sunburn was a 1 off...

You don't need to correct every little things so it's all perfect, just focus on the safety elements. They should know how the scratch happen, make sure she's safe at heights, strap her car seat properly, be mindful around animals, etc.

But the overnight is at the grandparents home and the father isn't even there so surely a court wouldn't order that should continue as it isn't actually contact with the father

I don't disagree that I would hate to see these things happening to my child (although I can't imagine getting upset about a toddler having bare feet or nappy on display)

But sadly in the real world the court sets an incredibly low bar for the quality of parenting that allows dad unsupervised access.

At 20 months she should be ready for potty training soon. I'd be tempted to make a start on that in the next few months as it sounds like nappies are an issue here.