Name change as outing. Background to story - Both in childhood and adulthood I outwardly had a close relationship with my parents as in we saw lots of each other, but i often felt I was performing for their approval and I was never able to be vulnerable with them without shame and embarrassment or it somehow becoming a conversation about them and them congratulating themselves/seeking congratulations etc. They never had any idea about half of what I went through growing up or how I really felt about most things. This was ironically despite me never being allowed any privacy - still regularly rifling through my bedroom at the age of 24 before I finally moved out; no drugs or contraband was ever found, just old diaries which they would confront me about. When i went travelling at 23 they proudly told me on my return they’d never been worried while I was away as they knew my email password and so would log in to read everything my friends and I had written to each other. Any complaints I was told I was being sneaky and secretive or “stop being a prat”.
I Miscarried very early in my first pregnancy and my mum never asked how I was afterwards etc, it was like it didn’t happen. when I then fell pregnant again a few months later I was nervous, but rather than give any support throughout the pregnancy my parents behaved badly with examples being them becoming angry and shouting at me that I wasn’t allowing them to be involved and storming out when I suggested they didn’t wait outside the labour room while I was in labour as they told me they were planning to do (with my mum memorably referencing my miscarriage as they were leaving and saying “let’s go in case anything happens and we get told it’s our fault”) and telling me ahead of my 20 week scan if any abnormalities were found then I should “get rid of it”. When I later expressed that i was upset my dad had said this, the story changed from denying he’d ever said it and I had mental health issues to then yes he said it but he didn’t mean it like that etc etc, with my mum who witnessed the conversation nodding along.
They never respected my instructions with my young daughter on rare occasions they babysat her and often talked down to me in front of her. By the time my second child was born during Covid we weren’t speaking and they have still never met him. He was diagnosed with autism at 3 and they have no idea, we literally haven’t spoken in years. The only time I’ve seen/spoken to them in 6 years was at my sisters wedding, to which my partner wasn’t invited, and only one of my children was invited. This was to be fair in post Covid times when there was strict restrictions on numbers etc but my sisters husbands siblings all had their partners and numerous kids there,and extended family we never saw growing up were there, so it was a very deliberate snub. I had felt prior to the wedding I couldn’t have it out with my sister about this as I would definitely have been accused to trying to ruin my sisters wedding because it must be that I’m jealous that she’s getting married and I’m not 🙄 so I never said anything to her about it, she never said anything to me about it, after the wedding day we never spoke again.
I later found out a couple of years later through a friend that my sister had a baby, I was never told of her pregnancy or birth. For context me and my sister never fell out. She just chose to side with my parents and stopped speaking to me and then not inviting partner and one of my children to her wedding.
Some years on my birthday, my parents will text me a brief happy birthday text (literally happy birthday hope you have a nice day) and once some post randomly got sent to my parents house despite me not having lived there in 15 years and my dad text me asking if I needed it. I never replied.
They have never ever tried to repair the relationship, never apologised for anything or acknowledged bad behaviour, never asked after my children or acknowledged their birthdays etc, but I will very occasionally maybe once a year get these birthday texts or a text about random post.
I don’t miss them. I had resented for years the expectation to play a role and keep up appearances, and the irritation that they only had interest in me nodding along to whatever they said and flattering them with praise rather than actually having a real true relationship with me, and I think their behaviour since I’ve had my own children has been awful.
Am I being petty/holding a grudge? Part of me wonders if it’s not that bad, and if it’s me with the issues and I’m a bad person for not speaking to them, part of me thinks am I conditioned to second guess myself because of how my parents operate. I’m just wondering how others would handle this? Would you struggle to make amends after all of this?