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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU not to force my niece to return with her mum?

13 replies

ThisWittyDeer · 19/09/2026 18:33

4 months ago my niece has been brought to live with me until her mum gets her mental health sorted. Family arrangement with letters to get us rehoused and seek medical advice and enrol her in school (which I have done and she attends)

Niece had a few chest pains one night and so I took her for a check up at the A&E. We were told it was no cause for concern, normal and that all tests came back as very healthy. Overexerertion was mentioned and having a cold didn't help. I did not pass this on to her mum as it was not a cause for concern and I didn't want her mum to spiral over nothing or potentially worsen her M.H. She is very aggressive.

Now her mum is saying she will collect her and take her back against her wishes. She is 13 in 4 weeks.

She really does not want to go and has refused on the grounds there was never any food, always being hungry, no clothes or footwear, always being accused of stealing or lying and substance abuse. She has been hit before but she didn't mention this as a reason.

I don't know what to say or do, social work are coming with to collect her and will not hear the concerns. She said she will run away or just not move from the spot. I won't force her to get in the car against her wishes, I know it is all true as I've seen it and mentioned my concerns to social work many times before. This is an across border situation. I am in Aberdeen and she is from England.

OP posts:
Anothercake · 19/09/2026 18:45

God how stressful. I don't know what you can actually do about it as presumably you don't have parental responsibility, but I hope you find a resolution. I wouldn't facilitate or make her leave either.

DiscourteousDiana · 19/09/2026 19:05

They can’t do anything if she refuses to go with them. She’s nearly 14, they won’t pick her up and put her in the car. Mum can make an application to court if she so wishes but your niece can just maintain even then that she won’t move.

DelphiniumBlue · 19/09/2026 19:13

How awful. Are the social workers hers or her mothers: they have very different interests. I'm wondering if English social workers would even have jurisdiction in Scotland.
Given that there has been agreement for DN to live with you, that she has been registered in and is attending a school in Scotland, and that you have moved house to accommodate her, it sounds as if the move was intended to be longterm. She needs stability, and should not be moved on her mother's whim.
In your shoes I would be seeking urgent legal advice on her behalf and possibly lodging applications to court to stop her being moved to a different country with a parent who has proved themselves incapable of looking after her and providing for the most basic of her needs. Given her age, I would think that a court would take her wishes into account. I also think they would not uproot her again without full investigations and reports, and certainly not as an interim measure.
But you need very, very urgent legal advice.
I'd make you and her unreachable until you have had that advice.

Callalilly2016 · 19/09/2026 19:15

I’m sorry you are in such a difficult situation. Contact a family lawyer and ask for advice. This is complicated and you should get proper, professional advice. In your situation I would try and secure an urgent, interim court order for custody and then work out the long term. Good luck

Original poster
ThisWittyDeer · 19/09/2026 19:29

I do not have parental responsibility but I am currently going down the Kinship route. Paperwork states this is long term and my nieces wish to remain here long term too. I am seeking legal advice Monday and although we are 800 miles apart her mums social worker is giving funds so mum can come up with a friend who is also her drug dealer (their response to this comment was- well there is no proof of that even though I have proof) they said mums parental responsibility trump everything and my response to that is safeguarding trumps everything.

OP posts:
parietal · 19/09/2026 21:20

Does niece have her own social worker? Can she get a local one?

Hadenough32 · 19/09/2026 21:28

Just don't be home. They can't pull niece into cat and the mum can't force access to your house. The most they can do is contact the police who will check your niece is OK but also can't force her to go with her mum. They will tell mum to apply to court ASAP but that's not all overnight. We did this and now have long term special guardianship for the child untill they are 18.

Hadenough32 · 19/09/2026 21:33

Also I would say don't say to social workers etc that you won't be handing niece over. It's unnecessarily argumentative. Just lead it all back to the child's wishes.
"Yes I've told niece mum wants her back and that she needs to go with her mum. However at present she is saying she doesn't want to for xxxx reasons. I'll keep talking to her about it untill mum arrives and we will go from there"

Social will back down a lot if they think you aren't working against them. Your sister might back off too. She may see her daughter as a possession you are withholding. If you show sympathy to her she might change her mind and leave niece there whilst you get the paperwork in order to nail it down legally. Remember to play the long game and relate everything back to the child's needs.

italianmountains · 19/09/2026 21:48

I am a foster carer and sadly have had several occasions where social workers make the decision to return the child to an abusive and neglectful parents. It usually falls apart again, and have been returned to our care. My understanding is that there is nothing YOU can do at all, and even if you present them with evidence they will disregard it. However at that age your niece CAN refuse. Of course she needs to be strong enough to do that, and in some ways is on her own with that as anything you say will be thought of as you coercing her. But she can refuse and they have to take her wishes into account. I had a 13 year old boy who refused to return to his mother, just simply said no again and again. And in the end they had to go with his wishes. I wish you good luck.

Original poster
ThisWittyDeer · 20/09/2026 00:52

My niece does not exactly have a social worker, the social work team are working with her mum but have put in a referral to my local service for support this side. I was just waiting on that coming through and all this happened. I have called social work and requested help.

I don’t think we can just be out of the house, I have told them I am not blocking it but my niece is refusing and I agree with her reasoning as I am also concerned and have raised this previously, also that I am unwilling to coerce and I will not use force. Her social work team will try to arrange the journey as they are paying for petrol and she is over 700 miles away. I'm trying to stop a wasted journey that will result in distress, anger and probably violence/criminal damage.

My niece said she isn't going and that nobody can force her to do it against her will. She isn't saying much else.

OP posts:
Itiswhysofew · 20/09/2026 01:13

I think a court order is required between Scotland & England to force your niece to go with her mother. Her wishes will definitely be considered, as a 13 year old cannot be made to go with a parent if she doesnt want to.

Ask citizens advice or a solicitor. I even wonder if the police could advise?

AdeleRochester · 20/09/2026 01:16

I have no advice but wanted to say that your niece is very lucky to have you to advocate for her. 💐

BibbityBoppityTwo · 20/09/2026 01:26

Hadenough32 · 19/09/2026 21:33

Also I would say don't say to social workers etc that you won't be handing niece over. It's unnecessarily argumentative. Just lead it all back to the child's wishes.
"Yes I've told niece mum wants her back and that she needs to go with her mum. However at present she is saying she doesn't want to for xxxx reasons. I'll keep talking to her about it untill mum arrives and we will go from there"

Social will back down a lot if they think you aren't working against them. Your sister might back off too. She may see her daughter as a possession you are withholding. If you show sympathy to her she might change her mind and leave niece there whilst you get the paperwork in order to nail it down legally. Remember to play the long game and relate everything back to the child's needs.

This sounds like very good advice to me.

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