I really need some wider advice here - please bear with me it's a long one. (Also aware that taking advice off the internet from strangers isn't always the determining factor but I do need to know If I am being unreasonable or what someone else might do in my situation)
Around 4 years ago my husband and his sister had a very bad argument. She was very emotionally fragile (understandably) at the time due to her partner suddenly telling her he no longer saw a future with her and didn't want children. We had all been at my in-laws house (her partner was not there) my SIL had accidentally locked herself in her childhood bedroom, there was an issue with the lock. My husband had managed to get her out by taking the lock off (just giving context to the eventual argument) we then went out for a meal and returned home. My husband then went to fix the lock, he was knelt down behind the door fixing it. He shouted to my FIL 'she has bent the screws' in reference to my SIL, she replied 'no I haven't' he said 'yes you have' the next minute out of nowhere she stands up, runs down the hallway screaming and shouting (it's a bungalow) and goes for my husband, naturally he pushes her off, from behind a door. She unfortunately bumps into a table in the process. She then leaves the house and calls the police, 999. I and my MIL attempt to go after her. I messaged her saying 'I love you, I'm here when you want to talk' we were very good friends and she was a bridesmaid at my wedding, we had always had a good relationship with her (and her partner to be fair) until this moment.
We were then told by my in-laws two days later that in light of the argument, she had got back with her partner and spoken with the police again, pressing assault charges. We were heartbroken. My husband feared for his job and me (I work with domestic abuse victims)
I tried to reach out but was blocked. For two years. My MIL also announced during this that she had cancer, it was a horrific time for everyone. After getting back with her partner, (during my MILs cancer treatment) my SIL went silent. She didn't speak to my MIL for four months who was, again understandably heartbroken. My MIL finally decided enough was enough and went to their house to try and reconcile. My SIL did not answer the door but sent her partner to the door who then proceeded to shout/be generally awful to my MIL. He told them they should have disowned my husband etc (I'm very aware however that he will have only heard my SILs side) he stated it's no wonder my husband is abusive as abuse runs in the family and she (my SIL) has told him everything. My MIL was confused and hurt. Especially knowing my SIL was in the house, hearing how he was speaking to her mother (he can be very abrasive and confrontational)
No I will prefix this by saying my SIL (and her partner) have always been a fantastic aunty and uncle to my eldest son as he adores them, throughout all of this I always made sure my son saw them, especially my SIL.
Fast forward two years and we still haven't spoken to them, not without me constantly mithering my husband to resolve it, I hate conflict and birthdays and Christmas became a juggling act of seeing his parents around times my SIL and her partner were not there - I'd had enough.
We were then told my SIL was pregnant, my husband finally reached out and then reconciled their relationship. Then my beautiful nephew was born. I was also pregnant and my second son was more exactly 4 months after my nephew. New children thankfully have a way of bringing people together. My son is now 13 months old.
We were sadly not allowed to see our nephew at first, we could not go to the hospital or meet him in his early first weeks (this was my SILs partners decision) he stated we were never allowed to be around his son, I struggled to see what I had done to warrant this, I was purely collateral.
Eventually we were allowed to see him and we have a lovely relationship with him, he's absolutely beautiful and it's fantastic having two boys so close together in age - they already adore eachother and it's clear they'll likely going to be best of friends.
A comment was made when I announced I was pregnant, not long after my SIL, by her partner that I was only getting pregnant to steal the lime light from her.
This wasn't the case. They hadn't spoken to us in 2.5 years by this point (I will add I myself reached out numerous times to no luck)
My own sister was trying to get pregnant, had suffered a miscarriage and was due to start IVF, I wanted to give her some space and not be insensitive. She got pregnant with my nephew and there's 3 months between her son and mine. We waited, for her (fingers crossed she doesn't see this post)
Fast forward to last weekend - we've been seeing my SIL and our nephew regularly for months now and it's been wonderful. We went on holiday earlier in the year. We had a good relationship again. Note we haven't seen her partner in four years, he's been very upfront in his opinions towards us and openly says how much he can't stand us (this has been told to us by our in-laws) he has never met my youngest son and hasn't seen my older one this year. Like I say we ourselves haven't seen him in 4 years.
We were at my in-laws on Saturday and it was mentioned he wanted to take my older son out to work with him (my oldest is 13) and give him some money.
I stated to my MIL I wasn't happy with his, that we haven't seen him in 4 years, he hasn't seen his nephew this year and that now we have my youngest I want things resolved. I do not want my two sons to be treated differently. It is not my youngests fault. I stated I am aware he is currently oblivious, thankfully to things but at some point he won't be and I don't want him wondering why is brother has a relationship with his uncle, but not him.
My MIL relayed this to her daughter who then relayed it to him. My SIL then came round to speak to me, she initially was very hostile stating 'i am not happy' and quite confrontational. I reiterated I didn't want a divide between my sons, I haven't seen her partner in years and I just want things resolved. It got quite heated as I asked why I had done in all of this, she said her partner couldn't understand why I had stuck by my husband given the industry I work in. I stated that firstly intimate partner DV is different, this was two siblings that had an argument, she was physical towards my husband and he pushed her off (I am more than aware that DV is multifaceted and can happen between siblings, different family members but in my honest, professional opinion this is not DV, it was an isolated incident in what was a very healthy sibling relationship)
I said to her that essentially she started it and if we really want to go down the DV road I need to remind her of the time that she hit her partner and gave him a black eye (she has always been quite volatile)
She then said 'oh don't talk like that to me love' I hate being called love, it's condescending and antagonistic.
Anyway, we actually ended up having what I thought was a constructive conversation, I stated I thought her partner was pulling the strings a little and dictating things, for example we were not allowed to my nephews birthday, it was stated from the start that we weren't allowed in their home. Suddenly an hour before the party we got a call to say her partner had changed his mind and we could go. We couldn't because we'd made plans, my eldest was already at his best friends party an hour away.
I stated I found him to be controlling the situation and couldn't understand why the one person who wasn't even there when the initial argument took place, was the one causing the problems.
He called her whilst she was speaking to me and she asked if he could come and talk, he said no and was adamant there was no chance. She left and although it was left on an amicable note I knew the dynamic had changed.
10 minutes passed and my MIL came in, staying 'right that's it theyre on their way' I said this might be a good thing because it means we can all finally talk
She began shouting at me saying that I had caused all of this, I should have just said yes, that my son can go out with his uncle and that I've undone the last 18 months of work that has been reconciled. She said when my SILs partner gets there, I need to let him say his piece. She said that I need to keep quiet and that I talk to much and don't know when to stop and that I need to learn to bite my tongue like she has had to do so many times around me. I was gobsmacked. I have always thought we've had a positive relationship.I said if I have done something to upset or offend you, please tell me. I like to think I'm an approachable person. She said things haven't been the same since we went on holiday. We went on holiday back in February. I was suffering with being a newish mum (again) horrific sleep deprivation and had recently been diagnosed with health anxiety and PTSD (my mum died from cancer 5 years ago, prior to her death I was her carer for 2 years, trying to navigate COVID and also homeschool my then 7 year old, it was alot.)
On our holiday I had a very constructive, but emotive conversation with my husband around my health anxiety and my grief and whilst I say it was constructive it was hard hitting. That evening I went to bed early, I wasn't rude, just simply missing my mum, especially in light of a new grandchild she will never get to meet.
The next day my MIL, SIL and FIL didn't speak to me, it was the last day, they just headed home and I then received a message stating I tainted the holiday. I let it go.
I assumed that this is what my MIL was referring to. I stated that it was not a personal attack on them, that I was (and still am) struggling with grief and that in that moment I just needed some alone time. I'm very personal with my grief, it's all I have left.
My MIL said I need to go to see someone about my grief and learn to celebrate my mum instead of being upset. She said 'all this Anglesey business, you need to learn to celebrate her' I go to Anglesey twice a year on my mum's birthday and the anniversary of her death, to take flowers as this is where her ashes are scattererd. I don't spend the weekend there in tears (it would be perfectly fine actually if I did) but me and my sister actually try to make a nice time of it.
She ended by saying that 'you need to get some help to enable you to be a better wife and mother'
I am so hurt and angry. My character has been attacked, my grief weaponised and I am struggling to understand how my grief is remotely relevant in this situation.
I didn't even have time to respond as in that moment my SIL walked in with her then partner. He was very antagonistic, everything we said, about how I wanted him to have a relationship with both of my son's was met with 'I don't care' I reiterated several times that I wanted things resolved. I'm not naive to think things can go back to how they were pre-argument but I would like things to be civil etc.
My husband reiterated this also and stated things have been reconciled between him and his sister and he wants to move forward and essentially now the ball is in my SILs partners court. They then left the house shortly after.
My MIL last said to me 'i won't sleep tonight knowing I've upset you'
It's been fed back to my husband that apparently my SIL were happy with what he said to them but they are 'deciding how progress with me' as they are not happy that I mentioned that the reason this all happened is because my sister in law was struggling with her emotions after going through a breakup and that she did once give him a black eye. They now won't speak to me.
I am completely and utterly devastated by what my MIL has said, I feel like I can't be myself around them or ever be vulnerable - I am deeply hurt.
How would you navigate this? Should I have just let my eldest go out with his uncle? How should I handle my MIL and her comment?
I'm completely and utterly lost on how to proceed.
If you've made it to the end - thank you!
Also I welcome constructive criticism but please be kind, it's a very emotive subject, especially surrounding my grief.