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Original poster

To tell my sister she can’t bring her husband to my wedding?

306 replies

Omegaez · 19/09/2026 13:27

I’m getting married next May to my fiancee and we’re having a small wedding, 38 day guests and about 20 more in the evening. I don’t know what to do about my sister’s husband. Invitations aren’t out yet but it’s a family issue.

There are five of us siblings. My mum had three with my dad, then two with her second husband. My youngest half-sister is 26 and we’re really close, probably closer than I am to any of my other siblings. She’s been married before and has been with her current husband around 18 months. I have never really been close to him.

Tbh I have never really liked him, tbh, anyway, though. I think he’s a bit of a dick, but I know that isn’t really a reason to ban someone’s husband from your wedding. He’s not abusive and I haven’t tried to exclude him from family things before. He would normally be invited because we’re inviting established couples. My daughter is 9 and she’s the only child attending.

About six months ago he and my fiancee had a massive argument. He thought she’d deliberately left him out of a family barbecue and then messaged me saying I was letting my partner dictate the family. My fiancee replied and it all got quite nasty. I told both of them afterwards that it was ridiculous and said we should leave it. He has apologised once, but only for things getting heated, not for anything specific that was said.

What changed it for my fiancee was something he said to my daughter. He said “your mum won’t let you see your aunt as much once she’s married”. It wasn’t a threat, but I didn’t like him saying it to her. My fiancee now says she doesn’t feel comfortable having him there. I wasn’t there, she told me about it later that same evening.

My sister says her husband has been made the scapegoat for an argument that involved several people. She says she won’t come without him because it makes her feel her marriage is less important than mine. I can see why she feels that way, although I don’t think she’s entitled to bring someone my fiancee doesn’t want there.

My mum offered to pay for her hotel and childcare to attend. My sister says that’s made it worse because her family is asking her to choose between her husband and family. They paid a non refundable £180 hotel deposit, although I told her to wait. The venue has the capacity limit.

So I haven’t uninvited him because the invitations aren’t out yet. My fiancee says she’ll reconsider if he comes. I know never liked him, so I question it. Is it reasonable to invite my sister but not husband because of this, or am I making her choose between her marriage and my wedding? Mum told her we’re discussing it before I’ve decided.

OP posts:
Contain4 · 19/09/2026 14:20

This all sounds very immature!

Your future DH needs to grow up and invite him to the wedding.

If your sisters DH doesn’t come then that’s him being a ridiculous man baby.

You are family - why are you letting your partners dictate your lives so much??

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 19/09/2026 14:20

Your fiancee is giving me serious 🚩 vibes to be honest, OP.

FiveEightNine · 19/09/2026 14:23

Wasn't he right in the end?

You are not yet married and your fiancee is making you chose between her and your sister.

I understand that they don't zip well, but if your fiancee is now talking about reconsidering the marriage based on him being there the next May, maybe you should be the one to reconsider.

Sparrowlass · 19/09/2026 14:24

OP has said repeatedly that her fiancée is female.

I do think she sounds controlling. Maybe BIL is sensing this hence the comment about your daughter not being able to see her aunt once fiancée has more control over the OP. Maybe if she is as controlling as she comes across, she will make it difficult. BIL won't be allowed in the house, so Sister won't visit either, for example. Or OP will be made to take sides so won't be able to take daughter to see Sister's family unless BIL isn't there.

LoveWine123 · 19/09/2026 14:24

If it were me, I’d be reconsidering this wedding too.

RobinStrike · 19/09/2026 14:26

I can’t believe your fiancée is basically saying she will control how much you see of your sister. I couldn’t marry someone who said I couldn’t still have a close relationship with my siblings. Whatever you think of your BIL is irrelevant, he isn’t telling your sister she can’t see you is he? The wedding ceremony isn’t the only problem here

Mangoripples · 19/09/2026 14:26

Sparrowlass · 19/09/2026 14:24

OP has said repeatedly that her fiancée is female.

I do think she sounds controlling. Maybe BIL is sensing this hence the comment about your daughter not being able to see her aunt once fiancée has more control over the OP. Maybe if she is as controlling as she comes across, she will make it difficult. BIL won't be allowed in the house, so Sister won't visit either, for example. Or OP will be made to take sides so won't be able to take daughter to see Sister's family unless BIL isn't there.

Yes, agree with pp that perhaps he had a point. Is your fiancée controlling in your opinion OP? You know her better than anyone on here.

EmailsaysOOO · 19/09/2026 14:29

Invite him

Agapornis · 19/09/2026 14:29

Invite him as it's etiquette wise the right thing to do. Get a bouncer/appointed strong people in your family to kick him out if he causes any fuss.

Original poster
Omegaez · 19/09/2026 14:30

I don’t think she’s controlling generally, no. She can be quite stubborn though and once she feels someone has crossed a line she really doesn’t want to back down. Which is probably not helping here.

There weren’t issues like this before she came along, but tbh I don’t think that’s necessarily because she is causing them. My family can be quite argumentative and there have been fallouts between my siblings before. It’s just never involved me having to choose who comes to something.

The bbq wasn’t actually a case of my BIL being the only person excluded. There were several people who weren’t invited and it was more that he thought my fiancee had deliberately arranged it that way. I don’t think there was some huge conspiracy behind it, it was just badly communicated and then everyone got defensive.

As for my daughter seeing my sister less, no, there isn’t any plan for that. If anything my daughter sees her more than most of my siblings. That’s why I found the comment odd. I don’t know where he got the idea from.

I am taking the comments about the wedding seriously though. I don’t want to be stood there on the day knowing my fiancee is absolutely miserable, but equally I don’t want to look back and realise I let one family row decide who was at my wedding. That’s basically what I’m stuck between.

OP posts:
JLou08 · 19/09/2026 14:30

Your BIL might have seen something you don't when he told your DD she'd see her aunt less when you're married.
Your partner is threatening to not marry you if you invite your BIL to the wedding. Does that not ring alarm bells for you? She is isolating you from your family before you've even got married.

TheTortiePuffinNeedsHerBreakfast · 19/09/2026 14:32

Just invite him. Be polite when he arrives and then ignore him for the rest of the day.

ColadhSamh · 19/09/2026 14:33

Your fiancee excluded your sister's husband from a barbecue and she was upset when he challenged it? It doesn't matter who else wasn't invited or what kind of mix up happened. Of course as a close family member he would take it personally. That is what started everything but you are quite dismissive of it.

Regarding your daughter if he said it as you have stated here then he was out of order. However, given your minimising of your fiancée's behaviour to date I would question context, wording etc.
BTW did your fiancé apologise for excluding him from the family barbecue or was it just a one way apology from him?

BlueMum16 · 19/09/2026 14:34

Omegaez · 19/09/2026 14:30

I don’t think she’s controlling generally, no. She can be quite stubborn though and once she feels someone has crossed a line she really doesn’t want to back down. Which is probably not helping here.

There weren’t issues like this before she came along, but tbh I don’t think that’s necessarily because she is causing them. My family can be quite argumentative and there have been fallouts between my siblings before. It’s just never involved me having to choose who comes to something.

The bbq wasn’t actually a case of my BIL being the only person excluded. There were several people who weren’t invited and it was more that he thought my fiancee had deliberately arranged it that way. I don’t think there was some huge conspiracy behind it, it was just badly communicated and then everyone got defensive.

As for my daughter seeing my sister less, no, there isn’t any plan for that. If anything my daughter sees her more than most of my siblings. That’s why I found the comment odd. I don’t know where he got the idea from.

I am taking the comments about the wedding seriously though. I don’t want to be stood there on the day knowing my fiancee is absolutely miserable, but equally I don’t want to look back and realise I let one family row decide who was at my wedding. That’s basically what I’m stuck between.

Why wasn't he invited to the BBQ in the first place. Your sisters DH.

I can't image having a BBQ with my sister with her partner.

Likewise I would not marry someone making me pick between them and my family for someone that seems minor

OriginalUsername2 · 19/09/2026 14:34

Just invite him. Humans make mistakes, these don’t sound like unforgivable things.

BABaby88 · 19/09/2026 14:34

You can't not invite your sister's husband

Pipsquiggle · 19/09/2026 14:34

The problem with this 'drama' is that if you invite just your sister and not her DH, you are effectively asking her to pick her family or her DH.

She will choose her DH.
She will also be pissed off with you for a VERY long time.......and I don't blame her, it's shitty thing to do to put her in that position.

Also want to echo what pp have said about having concerns over your fiancé and what's she said about not having a wedding if he's there. Huge 🚩. Saying something like that is not normal at all.

Frostynoman · 19/09/2026 14:35

It’s particularly malicious of nil to say what he did to a 9 year old. I would like to know what she feels about that as it isn’t okay and it is a red flag.

Is there a history between your fiancée and bil or is your fiancee good at sniffing out bad people and not able to play the long game?

BoredZelda · 19/09/2026 14:38

Jazzagal500 · 19/09/2026 14:19

Your fiancé sounds like more of a problem and maybe she feels so strongly against BIL because she feels seen and exposed by him for her controlling behaviour.

Or maybe she doesn’t just play nice with him like OP does. It’s quite fortunate for him, given he also hates BIL, that the Fiancée is taking the blame for what is undoubtedly a difficult relationship between the couples.

Engaged249 · 19/09/2026 14:40

Thanksforyourlackofthought · 19/09/2026 14:17

If your fiancee would choose not to marry you over this, you have far bigger problems than a guest list. She may not like him, you may not like him but you do like your sister and you don't want cause a rift with her.

Exactly this. OP, your fiancée sounds horrible. Maybe she is the problem, not BIL….

Londonrach1 · 19/09/2026 14:42

Just invite him. He is your sister s husband and if he not invited your punishing your sister and causing issues...

outerspacepotato · 19/09/2026 14:42

She did leave him out of the family BBQ, yes?

Your BIL has a point. Your fiancee didn't like him calling her on it. I think he was pretty decent apologizing for letting it get heated, but no, he shouldn't apologize for being truthful. You don't leave spouses out.

Your fiancee doesn't like him and is trying to push him out of your family group, so your BIL has a valid point. It's super rude to not invite her husband to the wedding and if I were your sister, I'd not go to your wedding and be very low contact with you and your controlling wife. You're going to lose your sister over your fiancee being a dick.

Lougle · 19/09/2026 14:43

I'm quite pleasantly surprised by this thread. The usual MN mantra is "your wedding, your choice", "go no contact", etc. @Omegaez I think that should probably tell you something.

Your fiancee had an argument. It doesn't actually matter why the DH wasn't invited. He wasn't, and he took it as a deliberate exclusion. I think most people would, or at least wonder about it, even if they weren't brave enough to say so. People generally aren't as carefree about social inclusion as they pretend to be on social media. Most people would feel the sting if they were left out of something that they would ordinarily be included in without explanation. I understand that no explanation would have been offered if it was unintentional, until the oversight was revealed, but that's small comfort to the one who has been left out.

Your fiancée needs to understand the impact of excluding your BIL from the wedding. It can't be undone. No amount of making up can undo being purposefully excluded from a key family day. Does she really want to impact your relationship with your sister like that? Is her feeling of discomfort that a man is in the room when she marries more important than the years of bad feeling this could cause?

I'm on team BIL here. I think you should be considering whether it's worth sacrificing your family relationships because your fiancée had an argument.

RaininSummer · 19/09/2026 14:43

What a fuss. Invite him.

ScaramoucheCanYouDoTheFandango · 19/09/2026 14:45

Unfortunately, we don’t get to choose our family or our in-laws!

We have a SIL who is a complete pain in the arse and has caused more than a few uncomfortable arguments over the years, usually when drunk. We’re all adults, so we de-escalate where we can, have a bit of humour about it and generally ignore the drama.

I’d be more concerned about your fiancée’s apparent unwillingness to compromise. She doesn’t have to like your BIL, or even spend much time with him, but surely she can make an effort to keep things civil for your sake. Saying she’ll rethink the wedding if you don’t handle it her way feels like a pretty huge, controlling, escalation.

If your sister and family is important to you, I’d make it clear that you’re not asking your fiancée to like her dh, just to be civil and make an effort for the sake of your family. That’s not an unreasonable expectation.

I’d also be thinking very carefully about what this says about how the two of you will deal with difficult disagreements once you’re married. Will it always escalate to dramatic ultimatums.