To tell my sister she can’t bring her husband to my wedding?

Wow...this is your sisters dearest, she's family. You don't hurt family like this. Your fiance doesn't like him...fine..she loves you though and wouldn't want to harm your relationship with your family ....oh ...no she has decided she matters more...what a wonderful start to a marriage...

This really isn't about BIL ..it's about your fiance being able to move on from conflict. Beware 🚩

What does quite personal mean?
There's a difference between "I was hurt that you didn't invite me to the barbecue" and "you are an effing c*nt because you did that"
If it's the former your fiancee is making a mountain out of a molehill if it's the latter she's certainly got a point.

I think not inviting him will create a rift. But I also understand your fiancee. As you say your family was quite dramatic beforehand so having a good hard think if she's compatible with that seems reasonable. Because she is not just marrying you but also your family.

If they stay married, and that's the point of marriage, then you'll have him around for a lifetime. There's no point creating hard feelings by not inviting him. It's petty and it will never be forgotten.

How exhausting OP. I feel for you. I would be inviting the BIL and explaining to your fiancee the difficult position you are in. Hopefully she understands. Thats what a supportive partner should do.

Lots of us had people at our weddings we weren’t thrilled about. It’s part of bringing two families together. I loathed my sister-in-law at the time but we’ve made up since, which wouldn’t have happened had I said she couldn’t come.

Am I right that you and your fiancée are both women OP? There’s no chance BIL has a problem with that? Because if so, then no, he shouldn’t be invited.

If however this is down to what sounds like quite a weird situation where your sister was in a group chat about a family BBQ and didn’t for some reason say, ‘Hang on, what about DH?’ and he was hurt, then it’s not a big deal enough to uninvite him. It’ll cause a rift.

Tbh your financee is proving his point that she really does have a element of control about who sees who and who gets invited etc .it's not aadsive stretch to imagine how this could evolve to you daughter not seeing her aunt . Let's be honest leaving her husband out of a family celebration is not going to facilitate a good relationship between your daughter and her aunt .

So, he’s right then.

If you invite him, your fiancée will be forcing you to choose between them and your family.

Maybe he could see the writing on the wall.

Everyone has stupid arguments at times. Invite him and let bygone be bygones. If your finances cancels the wedding over it, your BIL will be proved right.

I’d be having second thoughts about the wedding next f I was you. Is your fiancé going to do this every time there’s an issue with the family? Could they be trying to isolate you?

Another vote for you to invite him. What has happened between them is nothing, your fiancée seems to have blown it way out of proportion. If you do this, you will seriously harm the relationship you have with your sister, is that what your fiancée wants?

Your wife-to-be is the dick here, imo. If she is refusing to marry you if he comes, then I'm afraid she doesn't love you that much.

I think this might be the most unanimous thread I've ever seen! Without getting into anything about fiancée's motivations, etc, the message loud and clear is that you should invite him.

Don’t we all have family members/in laws we would rather not have invited to our wedding but did so because they aren’t actually that bad and it’s just unnecessarily dramatic?

if you don’t invite him you are creating drama tbh and you will sink your relationship with your sister

if your fiancée would rather cancel the wedding then have him there - well I don’t think she really wants to marry you tbh because that’s pretty pathetic

Op it sounds like your BIL has got the measure of your financee . Try to take a step back and look rationally at this situation. Would you put her in the same position in same circumstances if the tables where turned .

I'm another one getting a red flag vibe down your financee tbh . Sounds like she is causing you to choose and cause a rifybinn your family over something a bit silly tbh .b

Your fiance is being unreasonable. But the glaring red flag here is how she is prepared to threaten you to get her way.

I don’t think my fiancee is saying I can’t see my family or that my sister can’t see my daughter. She’s saying she doesn’t want someone she currently has a very bad relationship with at the wedding,

Well, duh, she's not coming to come out and say it. She's going to start shit with plausible deniability, like leaving your sister's husband out of a BBQ, then if she gets called out, use that as an excuse to give you an unreasonable ultimatum thus distancing herself, and you, from the family she doesn't like. Then she has an excuse to pull shit that will cause bad feelings forever and possibly a family rupture. Your sister will be mad and likely go low to no contact. This is how controlling people operate and gradually isolate their victim from family and friends.

This will do a number on your kid and certainly someone putting wedges into a formerly close family relationship doesn't have your kid's best interests in mind.

I think your fiance is flying some red flags.

I'm usually invite who you want but your fiancee sounds petty and spiteful and like a long term grudge holder here. And that's hearing your side of things, not your sister and BIL's.

So, what are you thinking of doing now, OP?

I would question whether she actually wants to get married? If a small thing like having someone she once fell out with at the wedding means she would call it off it feels a bit like a scapegoat? Surely she knows she is being a bit over dramatic and if the wedding were really important to her she wouldn’t let this small thing get in the way of her having a wonderful day.
If she is serious about her ultimatum then a compromise will need to be made- maybe only family members at the actual wedding ceremony and then partners etc invited to evening party? But that would mean any of her siblings husbands/wifes not invited to wedding also.

And not one of the people on the chat said "Hang on, why isn't Steve coming?" Poor guy.

@Omegaez but why does fiancée have a 'very bad relationship' with BIL? If it's just the BBQ incident then it is very over the top to base the relationship one one petty incident.

You sound far too passive in all this. You need to tell them both to stop being so childish, particularly your fiancée that has gone as far as saying she won't marry you if he's there.

If you don't invite him, you will turn a salvageable spat into a rift in the family that you may never recover from. It will be pouring petrol on to a fire.

It's not worth the fall out to exclude him when he isn't likely to do anything at the event to ruin the day.

But your sister was invited.

I don't understand how you can say sister come to BBQ but don't bring DH.

He was excluded.
I would also only apologise for the fuss and not for calling out being excluded.

Your fiance has had months to make things comfortable before a wedding in May. Has she apologised for her part? Why is this dragging on?

I am the equivalent of your sister in an almost exact situation. Invite him! Its the most horrible, horrible situation to be placed right in the middle of, damned if you go to the wedding and damned if you don't.

I know its your wedding, but please consider the months and years after that one special day of yours and the effect not inviting him will have on your sister.

People don't always know when they are being coercively controlled, which it sounds like thats what the fiancee is trying to do with this "too upset to go through with it if BIL comes" carry on.