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Original poster

To tell my sister she can’t bring her husband to my wedding?

306 replies

Omegaez · 19/09/2026 13:27

I’m getting married next May to my fiancee and we’re having a small wedding, 38 day guests and about 20 more in the evening. I don’t know what to do about my sister’s husband. Invitations aren’t out yet but it’s a family issue.

There are five of us siblings. My mum had three with my dad, then two with her second husband. My youngest half-sister is 26 and we’re really close, probably closer than I am to any of my other siblings. She’s been married before and has been with her current husband around 18 months. I have never really been close to him.

Tbh I have never really liked him, tbh, anyway, though. I think he’s a bit of a dick, but I know that isn’t really a reason to ban someone’s husband from your wedding. He’s not abusive and I haven’t tried to exclude him from family things before. He would normally be invited because we’re inviting established couples. My daughter is 9 and she’s the only child attending.

About six months ago he and my fiancee had a massive argument. He thought she’d deliberately left him out of a family barbecue and then messaged me saying I was letting my partner dictate the family. My fiancee replied and it all got quite nasty. I told both of them afterwards that it was ridiculous and said we should leave it. He has apologised once, but only for things getting heated, not for anything specific that was said.

What changed it for my fiancee was something he said to my daughter. He said “your mum won’t let you see your aunt as much once she’s married”. It wasn’t a threat, but I didn’t like him saying it to her. My fiancee now says she doesn’t feel comfortable having him there. I wasn’t there, she told me about it later that same evening.

My sister says her husband has been made the scapegoat for an argument that involved several people. She says she won’t come without him because it makes her feel her marriage is less important than mine. I can see why she feels that way, although I don’t think she’s entitled to bring someone my fiancee doesn’t want there.

My mum offered to pay for her hotel and childcare to attend. My sister says that’s made it worse because her family is asking her to choose between her husband and family. They paid a non refundable £180 hotel deposit, although I told her to wait. The venue has the capacity limit.

So I haven’t uninvited him because the invitations aren’t out yet. My fiancee says she’ll reconsider if he comes. I know never liked him, so I question it. Is it reasonable to invite my sister but not husband because of this, or am I making her choose between her marriage and my wedding? Mum told her we’re discussing it before I’ve decided.

OP posts:
Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 19/09/2026 18:24

Sadly if you don’t invite him the comment he made to your daughter will likely become true.

The whole argument is really silly with lots of people making little mistakes that led to him being uninvited although I do think it’s strange he would jump to the conclusion that he was deliberately not excluded if there had only been good relations before this.

I understand you considering how your finance would feel having someone she dislikes on her wedding day but do wonder how much it would hurt you to have someone you love not there?

Awkwardisfunny · 19/09/2026 18:22

Omegaez · 19/09/2026 13:27

I’m getting married next May to my fiancee and we’re having a small wedding, 38 day guests and about 20 more in the evening. I don’t know what to do about my sister’s husband. Invitations aren’t out yet but it’s a family issue.

There are five of us siblings. My mum had three with my dad, then two with her second husband. My youngest half-sister is 26 and we’re really close, probably closer than I am to any of my other siblings. She’s been married before and has been with her current husband around 18 months. I have never really been close to him.

Tbh I have never really liked him, tbh, anyway, though. I think he’s a bit of a dick, but I know that isn’t really a reason to ban someone’s husband from your wedding. He’s not abusive and I haven’t tried to exclude him from family things before. He would normally be invited because we’re inviting established couples. My daughter is 9 and she’s the only child attending.

About six months ago he and my fiancee had a massive argument. He thought she’d deliberately left him out of a family barbecue and then messaged me saying I was letting my partner dictate the family. My fiancee replied and it all got quite nasty. I told both of them afterwards that it was ridiculous and said we should leave it. He has apologised once, but only for things getting heated, not for anything specific that was said.

What changed it for my fiancee was something he said to my daughter. He said “your mum won’t let you see your aunt as much once she’s married”. It wasn’t a threat, but I didn’t like him saying it to her. My fiancee now says she doesn’t feel comfortable having him there. I wasn’t there, she told me about it later that same evening.

My sister says her husband has been made the scapegoat for an argument that involved several people. She says she won’t come without him because it makes her feel her marriage is less important than mine. I can see why she feels that way, although I don’t think she’s entitled to bring someone my fiancee doesn’t want there.

My mum offered to pay for her hotel and childcare to attend. My sister says that’s made it worse because her family is asking her to choose between her husband and family. They paid a non refundable £180 hotel deposit, although I told her to wait. The venue has the capacity limit.

So I haven’t uninvited him because the invitations aren’t out yet. My fiancee says she’ll reconsider if he comes. I know never liked him, so I question it. Is it reasonable to invite my sister but not husband because of this, or am I making her choose between her marriage and my wedding? Mum told her we’re discussing it before I’ve decided.

Don't invite him. Explain to your sister that invitations have to be agreed by both you and your partner as you each have equal say. Let her decide what to do. If she chooses to attach meaning to that, that isn't there, that's not your problem.

AllosaurusMum · 19/09/2026 18:20

Why is there a smaller family chat that includes your fiancé but not bil? Who started that?
It seems really weird that there's a second group chat that excludes your BIL. It makes sense if there's a chat that has in-laws included and a separate one with you, mom, and sisters but your fiancé shouldn't be in that chat.

From everything you've posted your fiancé seems to be the biggest problem.

Springstep · 19/09/2026 18:19

I would invite him. My parent caused a family rift by not inviting sister to wedding. They reconciled after 20 years and both had really missed each other, shortly after sister died. Such a waste.

Jellybean23 · 19/09/2026 18:18

The responses on this thread are overwhelmingly in favour of inviting BIL. It doesn’t really matter how much more explaining you do on Mumsnet, OP. It’s a tough dilemma for you but your fiancée must bear in mind that BIL is likely to keep well out of the way at your wedding (if he has half a brain) and it will save a family rift in the long run. The alternative is awkward family gatherings for the foreseeable future which will be worse.

BeardySchnauzer · 19/09/2026 18:15

Yes even having explained more it is still a really petty reason to not invite him tbh

JemimaTiggywinkles · 19/09/2026 18:12

That argument is a pathetic reason to refuse to invite your sister’s husband to a wedding. Your sister messing up the messages is a bit to blame but it is also weird that your fiancée didn’t put the invite in the proper family group chat if everyone was genuinely invited.

Why did your fiancée reply to a message someone had sent to you? And there were no problems before she came on the scene? I’m afraid I agree with BIL - your fiancée is quite controlling.

StarPyjamas · 19/09/2026 18:10

Omegaez · 19/09/2026 18:00

Ok I think I can see why everyone is confused because I have been explaining it in bits instead of just saying what actually happened.

The bbq was at ours. My fiancee was sorting the timings with my family because she was doing most of the organising. There is a family group chat but there is also a smaller one with me, my mum, my sisters and my fiancee in it. BIL isn’t in that one. My fiancee put the bbq time and food stuff in the smaller chat because we’d already been talking about it there. My sister is in that chat but she hadn’t opened the messages and had made other plans for that afternoon.

So BIL heard afterwards that everyone had been at ours and assumed he’d deliberately been left out. My sister then realised she’d missed the messages and said she’d never told him about it because she hadn’t seen them. That was basically the original misunderstanding.

He messaged me saying he thought it was deliberate and that my fiancee was controlling who was included in family things. My fiancee saw the messages and got angry. He then called her a controlling bitch, which is where I think it went from a stupid misunderstanding into an actual falling out. She called him an arsehole.

She did apologise afterwards for the way she’d spoken to him and the misunderstanding. He apologised for things getting heated but didn’t specifically apologise for calling her that. That’s what I meant when I said his apology wasn’t really an apology for what he’d actually said.

So no, I don’t think he was deliberately excluded from the bbq. My sister genuinely missed the messages. But I also don’t think he imagined the fact that he felt excluded, because from his point of view everyone had gone to a family bbq and he hadn’t been told.

The comment to my daughter happened afterwards, when things were still awkward between them. He said she wouldn’t see her aunt as much once me and my fiancee were married. I don’t know if he meant it as a dig or was trying to make a point about my fiancee, but I didn’t like him involving my daughter in it.

I hope that makes more sense. I should have just explained all of that in the first place.

He messaged me saying he thought it was deliberate and that my fiancee was controlling who was included in family things. My fiancee saw the messages and got angry.

Why did you show her the messages?

Fast800goingforit · 19/09/2026 18:04

Be the bigger person and invite him. It's not worth making this past argument a feature of your own wedding and potentially affecting things/causing more fallouts. It's an opportunity to build bridges. If he continues to behave badly then you've tried.

Original poster
Omegaez · 19/09/2026 18:00

Ok I think I can see why everyone is confused because I have been explaining it in bits instead of just saying what actually happened.

The bbq was at ours. My fiancee was sorting the timings with my family because she was doing most of the organising. There is a family group chat but there is also a smaller one with me, my mum, my sisters and my fiancee in it. BIL isn’t in that one. My fiancee put the bbq time and food stuff in the smaller chat because we’d already been talking about it there. My sister is in that chat but she hadn’t opened the messages and had made other plans for that afternoon.

So BIL heard afterwards that everyone had been at ours and assumed he’d deliberately been left out. My sister then realised she’d missed the messages and said she’d never told him about it because she hadn’t seen them. That was basically the original misunderstanding.

He messaged me saying he thought it was deliberate and that my fiancee was controlling who was included in family things. My fiancee saw the messages and got angry. He then called her a controlling bitch, which is where I think it went from a stupid misunderstanding into an actual falling out. She called him an arsehole.

She did apologise afterwards for the way she’d spoken to him and the misunderstanding. He apologised for things getting heated but didn’t specifically apologise for calling her that. That’s what I meant when I said his apology wasn’t really an apology for what he’d actually said.

So no, I don’t think he was deliberately excluded from the bbq. My sister genuinely missed the messages. But I also don’t think he imagined the fact that he felt excluded, because from his point of view everyone had gone to a family bbq and he hadn’t been told.

The comment to my daughter happened afterwards, when things were still awkward between them. He said she wouldn’t see her aunt as much once me and my fiancee were married. I don’t know if he meant it as a dig or was trying to make a point about my fiancee, but I didn’t like him involving my daughter in it.

I hope that makes more sense. I should have just explained all of that in the first place.

OP posts:
JemimaTiggywinkles · 19/09/2026 17:59

Why wasn’t BIL invited to the bbq? I actually think that’s very weird. Siblings spouses are always invited in most families, unless there’s a very good reason (eg husbands don’t come to a hen do, but sisters in law do).

And sounds like he’s right that your DD won’t see her aunt as much after your wedding - because there will be a massive family rift over it. Your sister (rightly) won’t come if her husband isn’t invited and that’s the kind of thing which is difficult to move on from. Particularly because other family members are likely to agree with her position so it’s more likely you / DW won’t be at family event cos everyone else will still invite BIL

I agree with those saying it sounds like your fiancée is controlling. And trying to cause distance between you and your family.

BeardySchnauzer · 19/09/2026 17:47

Tbh, if your sister knows you are currently considering his invite then you need to move quickly because this is festering

wheredidtheteago · 19/09/2026 17:46

You probably want to sit your finance down and calmly explain to her, while you completely are on her side you need to include BIL for yours, your sisters and daughters sake. If you are as close as you say this will probably cause unforgivable damage to all your family relationships and from a few nasty messages it doesn’t seem worth it. Just don’t take too many photos with him! And good luck.

LlynTegid · 19/09/2026 17:42

I think it is one of those people you invite to a wedding because they are family, hopefully the only one with gritted teeth.

I'd understand no invitation if the man was an alcoholic or drug addict, as an example. This is not the case.

ItsAlwaysTwins · 19/09/2026 17:41

What a lot of silly drama. Everyone needs to grow up.

Ponoka7 · 19/09/2026 17:41

So if you both get invited to Christmas at your parents, will your fiancé attend? This is going to get bigger and impact on all family relationships. I agree that he should be invited and your fiancé is manipulative and others can see something you can't.

PunnyPlumPanda · 19/09/2026 17:36

Omegaez · 19/09/2026 14:30

I don’t think she’s controlling generally, no. She can be quite stubborn though and once she feels someone has crossed a line she really doesn’t want to back down. Which is probably not helping here.

There weren’t issues like this before she came along, but tbh I don’t think that’s necessarily because she is causing them. My family can be quite argumentative and there have been fallouts between my siblings before. It’s just never involved me having to choose who comes to something.

The bbq wasn’t actually a case of my BIL being the only person excluded. There were several people who weren’t invited and it was more that he thought my fiancee had deliberately arranged it that way. I don’t think there was some huge conspiracy behind it, it was just badly communicated and then everyone got defensive.

As for my daughter seeing my sister less, no, there isn’t any plan for that. If anything my daughter sees her more than most of my siblings. That’s why I found the comment odd. I don’t know where he got the idea from.

I am taking the comments about the wedding seriously though. I don’t want to be stood there on the day knowing my fiancee is absolutely miserable, but equally I don’t want to look back and realise I let one family row decide who was at my wedding. That’s basically what I’m stuck between.

Someone who is threatening you with the guest list is not a green flag

nope. No way.

I would be running the other way by now if my fiancée had said they wouldn’t attend the wedding if I invited someone. That’s way too controlling for my tastes.

PunnyPlumPanda · 19/09/2026 17:32

Oh no

i couldn’t bare to not invite someone. I invited my stepmother and I only had 10 guests!

because she’s important to my dad and my father is important to me.

id want his happiness to be honest.

Dery · 19/09/2026 17:24

"wheresthesnowgone · Today 16:31
The answer to your question is, NO, you shouldn't tell your sister she can't bring her husband.
If that's a deal breaker for your fiancee then you might need to rethink your future together. Her stubborness over this is going to cause a rift between you and your sister and possibly other siblings will take sides. Is your fiancee worth the family fallout?"

This with bells on. You really haven't explained the BBQ thing particularly well but details can be fiddly, it's hard when you're trying to post information on an advice forum and the main point is that whatever went on in connection with the BBQ has somehow caused some problems. But overall, this seems such a ridiculous way for adults to carry on. This isn't the schoolyard and don't your fiancée and BIL have better ways to spend their time than prolonging a quarrel with each other? It may be that your family of origin is terribly dysfunctional and it is a good thing for your fiancée to try and separate you from it but that seems unlikely to me. Assuming that is not the case, then it is really troubling that your fiancée is trying to make you take a line that will cause a rift.

ButtercupYellow26 · 19/09/2026 17:19

Invite him. Family drama will get much worse if you don't and you could lose your sister and your daughter her auntie.

OneNewEagle · 19/09/2026 16:58

Are you sure you want to marry your controlling fiancée?

if so fine but invite your sisters husband. He will hopefully decline.

Itsbeenalongtimeincoming · 19/09/2026 16:48

The problem here is your fiancé not wanting your BIL at the wedding. She’s either very controlling or a drama queen.

How ridiculous to call off a wedding g because she doesn’t like your BIL (who will
soon be HER BIl) and will be ‘miserable’ all wedding.

Is she normally this fickle? Drama orientated? Controlling?

No rock and hard olace. He comes and if she doesn’t like it and calls it off you will clearly see how conditional her love is and that onky her feelings matter.

WallaceinAnderland · 19/09/2026 16:46

How is it controlling to not want someone at your wedding who has been swearing at you?

It's controlling because there are two people getting married, not just one. And to threaten not to marry someone if they invite a family member would make you think is this about someone wanting to get married or is this about someone wanting to control the situation.

I would not want to marry someone who clearly wasn't as committed to marriage as I thought they were.

PopcornKitten · 19/09/2026 16:44

Was he the only family member not included in the bbq invite? If so, it’s easy to see why he felt pushed out.

if both of them were equally to blame and messaging and saying unkind things then it makes sense for both to agree to draw a line under it. If he was sexist, racist or threatened violence against women then your fiancée is not being unreasonable.

Its your wedding so you and her can invite whoever you want BUT you have to be realistic and appreciate that this is likely to have long lasting repercussions.

you could always do what my now NC in-laws did and host the wedding at a time that they knew I couldn’t attend?

Cuttertheduck · 19/09/2026 16:39

ExtraOnions · 19/09/2026 16:07

He’s not wrong, your Fiancée is trying to control who gets invited to family things …

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How is it controlling to not want someone at your wedding who has been swearing at you?

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