To tell my sister she can’t bring her husband to my wedding?

So your sister missed a message in a group she was in. (Totally normal to have multiple groups with similar people in)

Your BIL blew the whole thing out of proportion, decided your fiance was the problem and called her a bitch.

He sounds delightful.

Tbh I wouldn't want him at my wedding either. He sounds like an arsehole.

It's an overreaction on your fiancé's part to want to want to call off the wedding but is she serious or is she just feeling anxious because she feels she has no option but to share her wedding day with a bloke that likes to overreact and call her a bitch?

Still say smaller wedding with just 2 witnesses is the way to go.

Most bridal groups have relatives they don't particularly like at their weddings

I wonder how many are called a controlling bitch because messages hadn't been read by that person's spouse?

Tbh it sounds as if he is an arsehole.

Your fiance and BIL need to grow up. I fully understand why your sister wouldn't attend without her husband and your fiance is being deliberately difficult in not letting him attend and controlling in threatening to cancel the wedding. Most bridal groups have relatives they don't particularly like at their weddings and they simply ignore them. Better still this could be an opportunity to build bridges.

It’s not great, of course, that they had this falling out (admittedly where they both acted badly, to differing degrees), and while I understand your fiancée not being overly keen on the man now, I think it would be somewhat an overreaction to not invite your sisters husband. It’s entirely likely you’ll barely even see him on the day.

"My sister then realised she’d missed the messages and said she’d never told him about it because she hadn’t seen them."

The sister didn't know about the messages until after the BIL thought he had been deliberately excluded.

I've been in this situation. My DH has a chat group with his brothers but is a terrible communicator. So we've had situations where I hear that something has happened, feel left out, and then DH says 'oh no, we were invited but I said we were busy/couldn't come, etc., because <insert reason>. He's not being difficult. His brain just works in a very linear way. He can't understand that it's nice to be invited (because he thinks that if you can't go it doesn't matter that you were invited), or that I might think we were left out if I didn't know we had been invited (what does it matter, we couldn't go anyway), or that I might want to consider if there's a way we could make it work (DD with SN so often can't, but would like to have the chance to think about it). So I can see it from the BIL's POV.

My big question is why he would assume she's been controlling rather than think a mistake has been made. Have there been issues between them before?

He knows your fiance better than strangers on the internet and he thinks she's controlling. Maybe you just can't see it. You seem to be focused on working out who is wrong in this situation when they are both as bad as each other.

But they have both apologised so they should be able to leave it there and move on. Your fiance is the one being stubborn, even to the point of saying she won't marry you.

What do you think of her saying that? Do you think it's reasonable? Do you think it's loving and reassuring?

Forget your BIL, he's not the problem.

Not sure I'd want someone at my wedding who called me a controlling bitch!

Did he not understand that he was invited but his wife had missed the message?

I absolutely wouldn't want someone who'd called me a controlling bitch at my wedding.

@Omegaez, surely the two most important people to you are your daughter and your fiancée? He has treated both of them awfully. If your sister can't see why you wouldn't want him at your wedding after that, then I'm afraid you'll have to accept you will be less close going forward.

He wasn’t excluded, his wife didn’t pass on the messages (and sounds like they had other plans anyway!)

Yeah I think for me it comes down to a few things - him trying to whip up the rest of the family, including OP’s child, against the fiancée, and how OP has backed (or not) her fiancée in this.

If I’m the fiancée here, and my future in law loses his shit at me about this, the reaction of everyone around me is instructive. My partner and her family say “it’s a shame BIL missed out but unacceptable to overreact like this and we don’t think badly of Fiancée because of it” - that gives me some comfort. If it’s “oh well families fight” or “his precious male ego has been wounded so it’s fine for him to call Fiancée a bitch” then I’m wondering if this is really a family I want to marry into.

I don’t understand the whole exclusion from a family BBQ.
If any family member sent me or my dh an invite, we would rightly assume us as a whole family were invited.
The same as if we invited my siblings or DHs siblings, their partners and kids would automatically be included (without naming everyone).

Your sisters dh not being included to a BBQ is weird.

Just invite him to the wedding, don’t cause more unnecessary drama.

Oh for sure the whole thing is odd. But I don’t think it’s ’not invited to the wedding’ odd

If BIL has a problem with there being a group chat that doesn’t include him, and his wife not passing on messages, he can raise that calmly. “Oh no, we missed this invite, can you add me so we don’t miss the next one!” Would be a normal way to handle that.

Flying off the handle and scapegoating the fiancée is beyond odd IMO, it is suspicious. There was absolutely no need for him to get so angry and abusive. It’s just a BBQ, and he’s dragged a nine year old child into a needless row.

Yabvvu.
your sister’s husband should be invited.
your fiancée sounds controlling and like she wants to cut you off from family. She needs to back off and suck it up. Not all family are people she would choose to be friends with but she can still be civil. If she loves you she should be making more effort. .

No the separate group chat with the nuclear family also has the fiancée. Which is a bit odd

You said you are close to your sister but you are allowing your partner too exclude her husband over an argument wich will in turn exclude your sister. Yes there was an argument so what family's argue.
I personally feel you need to be very careful if your partner gets her way this time by making threats that is not a good foundation for marriage and what happens if your parents ,other siblings or friends annoy her will they be excluded too.
My brother is getting married next year we have several family members who dont get on he's just putting them on different tables.
Is everybody else involved in the argument excluded too because if not then yes it does look personal and it will look that way too your sister.
Have you tried speaking to him directly and do you know why he reacted that way and what your partner said to him? There is always two sides to every story.

I have a different perspective to most on this thread, informed by your latest update clarifying the argument OP, but also by your earlier posts.

There is a separate group chat with only nuclear family members - normal
Your sister missed the messages inviting them as a couple to the BBQ - not a big issue
Your sister didn’t tell BIL about the invite - not a big deal, but certainly not your fiancée’s fault
BIL lost his shit about thinking he had not been invited to the BBQ and started sending angry messages - ridiculous escalation
BIL called your fiancée a “controlling bitch” when she’d done nothing wrong - abusive, misogynistic escalation
BIL then dragged your nine year old child into the argument - manipulative, controlling and really nasty.

I really don’t understand the comments calling your fiancée controlling. She apologised for her part in the argument and for insulting him back, while he has never apologised for calling her a bitch. It seems to me like he’s throwing his weight around and is a nasty piece of work. He expects her to suck up his shitty, aggressive behaviour - not for the first time maybe if you already dislike him?

I can absolutely see why she’s uncomfortable having him at the wedding. Did you stand up for her when he lashed out and called her a bitch? Or did you leave her to deal with him alone, when she had done nothing wrong and he instigated a nasty fight?

We had people at our wedding that my husband or I were lukewarm on, that’s normal. We did not have anyone at our wedding who’d verbally abused either of us because their partner didn’t tell them about a BBQ they were invited to. Ridiculous.

He apologised, she apologised, why does he need to do more specific apologising?

He shouldn’t have said that to your daughter, tell him that but invite him.

Your fiancée sounds controlling and a bit of a drama queen.

So, essentially, there was a tiff because a family member, understandably, felt excluded.
Your partner has blown this into such an epic drama that she’s considering not marrying you if this family member comes to your wedding?
This lady that loves you enough to spend forever with you is happy to exclude by extension your own sister from your wedding?
Sorry, I think your fiancée sounds awful.

Actually, I think I’d flip this on the head. I’d explain to my fiancée that I would have to reconsider the marriage if such a stupid spat meant you couldn’t have your sister at your own wedding.

Well, as others have pointed out, if he is uninvited it will cause issues with your sister...you will see her less and so will your daughter. And all because your fiance won't act like a grown up. She punishes him, your sister, you, knock on to rest of family at future gatherings. So his prophecy will be fulfilled.

Your finance is being deeply unreasonable to threaten not to marry you over this. She can invite who she wants her side, he is on yours. Tough.

Invite him. Arrange the seating plan so he is nowhere near you. You can easily avoid him on the day aside from a brief thank you for coming. I managed to do this with guests I wasn't as close to at my wedding and their presence spoiled nothing. It also avoided unnecessary arguments down the line.

On the day you will just be distracted by your close friends and family, and happy to find all the planning has paid off.

Your fiance is controlling. This should be your main issue

Trivial argument that will last forever if you don't invite him. your Fiancée will probably not see that much of him at the wedding. Ask her to put you first.

That’s the crux of it really

is her desire to not have someone she doesn’t really like there more important than you having someone you love dearly there?