To tell my sister she can’t bring her husband to my wedding?

its your wedding, so you should decide as a couple, if you exclude him it will cause a rift, if you invite him you will not be happy he is there but it will keep the peace. everybody has this dilemma when getting married, that people make demands i wont come if you don't invite scenario. invite them both but seat them the furthest table away and enjoy your day without making this man the focus. if they make anymore demands after he has been invited uninvite both of them. you dont have to pander to peoples demands even if they are family its your day

I feel sorry for OP and her sister because they are caught in the middle!!

the tone of OPs posts make her sound so unsure of herself and scared to take a position either way which suggests the fiancee is domineering.

BIL is a twat but he’s an in law and don’t we just all avoid and ignore the annoying in law for the sake of our spouse?

The bit that sounds extremely worrying to me is the control that your fiancée appears to hold here.
According to you, there was a misunderstanding about the BBQ. This was followed by insults and strong words from both sides. And a remark to your daughter.
So what now, is this going to persist forever? She's holding a grudge and trying to get you to pick sides with her threats and justifications. This is not a fair position to put you in over something so minor.
If you don't invite your sister's husband, then I imagine that the possibility of a large family rift is a strong one. Your sister may very well not come. Your mum may get involved, other siblings. This is the sort of thing that divides families for years, I suspect your fiancée is well aware of this.
Your fiancée wants to continue to make a stand, well, who pays for it? You. You are the one stressed out, whilst she puts her foot down and threatens not to marry you. She should not be doing this, he should go and she can choose to ignore him.
Her behaviour is not ok and you must expect that she (and maybe also you) may well not be invited to future family events if you go along with this.
Too much drama over a silly argument.

The comment to my daughter is more what has bothered me. My daughter is my daughter, not my fiancee’s, so obviously she can’t stop her seeing her aunt. I think he was getting at the fact that things would change once we were married and that my fiancee would somehow come between them.

Well maybe he has good grounds for thinking that.

He doesn't sound very nice, true, but you must see that excluding him from your wedding will potentially ruin your relationship with your sister permanently. If your fiancée is pushing for that then yes, she is coming between them.

I think there are loads of families up and down the land where they have siblings who they love very much and they marry people who are dickheads.
I would say most people do just try to get along as they would prefer to have their sibling in their life.

I am not condoning the 'selfish bitch' language but it sounds that, retrospectively, that there was a misunderstanding and people have apologized and can hopefully move on.
Not inviting the DH will 💯 cause more division and be asking the sister to choose her DH or her family. She will pick her DH

It's also about the fiancee who was called a controlling bitch & is expected to just accept it for future harmony.

It's not the sister's fault she's married to an arsehole but expecting everyone else to accept it is a big ask.

He is the one that caused a rift by calling the fiancee a controlling bitch in the first place, why would he even want to go to a wedding of people he thinks are controlling bitches?

Who wants someone who called them a controlling bitch at their wedding? It is the fiancée's wedding too.

This isn’t about protecting the man or taking his side. It’s about the OP and her sister. Sometimes we have to accept that our sibling is married to someone we don’t like and get on with it because we want to maintain a relationship with the sibling.

I haven’t said there has been - I answered your question of why I might feel differently from other people on this thread.

For me personally, there is a pretty small list of things that someone could do to me which might make me feel so strongly about not having them at my wedding that I would rather cancel than invite them.

So my suggestion to the op was to speak to his fiancé and really listen to the answer, about why this is so important to her.

@Aabbcc1235 blimey that's quite a leap.

Obviously if there was any whiff at all of sexual abuse I think we would all be answering very differently.

@Omegaez hasn't mentioned any SA so I don't know why you have gone there.
She has mentioned her fiance being entrenched in her thinking and general drama llama persona.

@Pipsquiggle

The reason I feel differently here is probably because I’ve heard a lot of women describe the aftermath of their sexual assaults. The words used repeatedly throughout this thread - overreaction, hysterical, over-the-top, family feud, politeness etc echo through those stories.

Im not saying don’t invite him. I’m saying ask your wife the question about what happened and listen properly to the answer. Something has happened that is so serious she would cancel the wedding over it. Don’t make a decision without being 100 percent sure there isn’t something else that you don’t know about.

Not inviting him will undoubtedly cause a rift between you and your sister, which will inevitably mean your daughter will see less of her aunt once you are married. Your BIL will feel proved right. Maybe point this out to your fiancé and just invite him

I think this thread is 100% invite him.

@Aabbcc1235 why are you so unsure on this. It's pretty obvious to the rest of us

It never ceases to amaze me how much effort people will put into ignoring the behaviour of abusive men while still having the energy to criticise a woman asserting boundaries.

This.
A guy called your fiancee a sexist slur for something that wasn't her fault.
Gee wonder how he treats your sister ( but it is what you already suspect)

But still inviting him would at least still keep a relationship with your sister before she needs to dump this sexist prick.

It is also interesting how many posters take a man's side over this 😉

So... your sister wasn't at that specific BBQ either? That would change it a bit in my eyes.

I still think it's better to invite him.

Omitting him again, this time intentionally, would make the previous one look more intentional.

I don’t think my fiancee meant for it to happen either.

Don't think? So it's possible that she did deliberately leave him out?

This does sound like something that really should have blown over and while I agree the comment to you DD was inappropriate, the drama now mainly seems to be down to your fiancé.

If you have a family that has a tendency to get heated and your fiancé has a tendency to hold grudges in these circumstances, this may just be the first of your family members you lose if you go ahead with this.

I note that BiL accused your fiancé of controlling who you see, which she took exception to, and now she’s trying to control who you see on one of the biggest family celebrations in your life.

It might be worth considering postponing the wedding to see if she is really compatible with how you want your life to be long term.

I’m not suggesting all the blame for the situation falls on your fiancé, but it seems like most does and it’s her involvement you have some control over.

@Omegaez - Ask your fiancee how she would feel if roles were reversed and you and she were already married and your sister was getting married and then refused to invite your wife to her wedding because of a silly misunderstanding (if you see what I mean?).
(Sorry, this may already have been suggested, I've only read the OP's posts.)

Excluding him will create a permanent family rift. Your fiancé is asking you to lose your sister over this argument.

I think you need to ask yourself if the disagreement between your fiance and your BIL was truly that egregious. Excluding someone from a wedding is normally only done for issues of safety. Was he violent? Did he threaten her?

If you want to compromise, I would cancel the family wedding and just elope. The problem is that you are just postponing this problem. What happens at family gatherings? Are you going to ask your BIL to skip Christmas? Are you going to bow out yourself so your sister and her family can meet with the extended family while you celebrate elsewhere?

Sometimes family just need to let things go. If there is no safety issue, you just learn to make small talk and extricate yourself from the unwanted interaction as quickly as possible when you see the relative you don’t particularly like.

If you do uninvite him, you need to be prepared to completely ruin your relationship with your sister.

If he thinks she is a controlling bitch who will stop your daughter seeing her Aunt, why does he even want to go?

Shame you can't guarantee his declining an invitation.

You can either be the bigger people and smooth everything over, or you can make a massive, public deal out of it and ensure that Christmas and all future family events for the next decade are awkward.

I can understand she is feeling upset and her knee jerk reaction is to say she doesn’t w

Having now read your much clearer explanation 😁, it seems the initial issue with the BBQ was a big misunderstanding. He was invited but your sister didn't read the messages. However, did no-one notice that your sister hadn't responded?

He does sound like an idiot, but your partner hasn't helped.

You sound like you have been a bit passive. - as has your sister as she had the opportunity initially to sort this out as it was also partly her fault for not reading the messages.

A fairly simple misunderstanding has got totally out of hand and there is fault across the board.

I think I might postpone the wedding as I wouldn't want the drama that this will cause, whichever way it goes.

Definitely invite him. Be the bigger people otherwise this will be the start of the end.