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Original poster

To tell my sister she can’t bring her husband to my wedding?

306 replies

Omegaez · 19/09/2026 13:27

I’m getting married next May to my fiancee and we’re having a small wedding, 38 day guests and about 20 more in the evening. I don’t know what to do about my sister’s husband. Invitations aren’t out yet but it’s a family issue.

There are five of us siblings. My mum had three with my dad, then two with her second husband. My youngest half-sister is 26 and we’re really close, probably closer than I am to any of my other siblings. She’s been married before and has been with her current husband around 18 months. I have never really been close to him.

Tbh I have never really liked him, tbh, anyway, though. I think he’s a bit of a dick, but I know that isn’t really a reason to ban someone’s husband from your wedding. He’s not abusive and I haven’t tried to exclude him from family things before. He would normally be invited because we’re inviting established couples. My daughter is 9 and she’s the only child attending.

About six months ago he and my fiancee had a massive argument. He thought she’d deliberately left him out of a family barbecue and then messaged me saying I was letting my partner dictate the family. My fiancee replied and it all got quite nasty. I told both of them afterwards that it was ridiculous and said we should leave it. He has apologised once, but only for things getting heated, not for anything specific that was said.

What changed it for my fiancee was something he said to my daughter. He said “your mum won’t let you see your aunt as much once she’s married”. It wasn’t a threat, but I didn’t like him saying it to her. My fiancee now says she doesn’t feel comfortable having him there. I wasn’t there, she told me about it later that same evening.

My sister says her husband has been made the scapegoat for an argument that involved several people. She says she won’t come without him because it makes her feel her marriage is less important than mine. I can see why she feels that way, although I don’t think she’s entitled to bring someone my fiancee doesn’t want there.

My mum offered to pay for her hotel and childcare to attend. My sister says that’s made it worse because her family is asking her to choose between her husband and family. They paid a non refundable £180 hotel deposit, although I told her to wait. The venue has the capacity limit.

So I haven’t uninvited him because the invitations aren’t out yet. My fiancee says she’ll reconsider if he comes. I know never liked him, so I question it. Is it reasonable to invite my sister but not husband because of this, or am I making her choose between her marriage and my wedding? Mum told her we’re discussing it before I’ve decided.

OP posts:
RobinStrike · 19/09/2026 14:26

I can’t believe your fiancée is basically saying she will control how much you see of your sister. I couldn’t marry someone who said I couldn’t still have a close relationship with my siblings. Whatever you think of your BIL is irrelevant, he isn’t telling your sister she can’t see you is he? The wedding ceremony isn’t the only problem here

LoveWine123 · 19/09/2026 14:24

If it were me, I’d be reconsidering this wedding too.

Sparrowlass · 19/09/2026 14:24

OP has said repeatedly that her fiancée is female.

I do think she sounds controlling. Maybe BIL is sensing this hence the comment about your daughter not being able to see her aunt once fiancée has more control over the OP. Maybe if she is as controlling as she comes across, she will make it difficult. BIL won't be allowed in the house, so Sister won't visit either, for example. Or OP will be made to take sides so won't be able to take daughter to see Sister's family unless BIL isn't there.

FiveEightNine · 19/09/2026 14:23

Wasn't he right in the end?

You are not yet married and your fiancee is making you chose between her and your sister.

I understand that they don't zip well, but if your fiancee is now talking about reconsidering the marriage based on him being there the next May, maybe you should be the one to reconsider.

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 19/09/2026 14:20

Your fiancee is giving me serious 🚩 vibes to be honest, OP.

Contain4 · 19/09/2026 14:20

This all sounds very immature!

Your future DH needs to grow up and invite him to the wedding.

If your sisters DH doesn’t come then that’s him being a ridiculous man baby.

You are family - why are you letting your partners dictate your lives so much??

Jazzagal500 · 19/09/2026 14:19

Your fiancé sounds like more of a problem and maybe she feels so strongly against BIL because she feels seen and exposed by him for her controlling behaviour.

TheFormerMrsTruelove · 19/09/2026 14:19

And yes, when I say she’ll reconsider the wedding, she means she genuinely doesn’t want him there and doesn’t know if she can go through with the day if he is. I don’t know whether that’s actually a threat to call it off or whether she’s saying it because she’s very upset about everything that’s happened

This is deeply concerning. Are you sure you’re doing the right thing? Because divorce is far more expensive, time consuming and emotional than a wedding.

HoraceCope · 19/09/2026 14:19

please invite him
dont add to their stresses

MyLimeGuide · 19/09/2026 14:18

You need to try and find an angle to win your fiance around so she agrees to him coming, big heart to heart, pleading, bring on the waterworks etc!

Thanksforyourlackofthought · 19/09/2026 14:17

If your fiancee would choose not to marry you over this, you have far bigger problems than a guest list. She may not like him, you may not like him but you do like your sister and you don't want cause a rift with her.

Mangoripples · 19/09/2026 14:16

Invite him. Really not worth the hassle doing otherwise. I’m still not certain why your fiancé doesn’t feel ‘comfortable’ having him there? There was the comment about not seeing aunt as much…any truth to it? Did it come out of absolutely nowhere or will your DC be seeing aunt less?

I’d be reconsidering the wedding myself if my fiancé was threatening not to go through with things unless I toed the line!

Pipsquiggle · 19/09/2026 14:14

You should invite him.

Not inviting him is incredibly petty and will 💯 make things worse.

We had something similar in our family, where my cousin wasn't going to invite her SIL who she dislikes. We all said if she didn't invite her SIL she would lose her brother. She relented and invited her. The SIL behaved herself and the wedding was a really good day.

Please be the bigger person

SharonBe · 19/09/2026 14:14

It would be horrifically nasty to your sister not to invite him, not to mention rude? Are you really prepared to divide your family like this.

The only way you can legitimally not have him there is to elope by yourselves.

YoghurtPond · 19/09/2026 14:14

Just invite him. Mad amounts of unnecessary drama already.

Beccahm · 19/09/2026 14:12

Omegaez · 19/09/2026 13:27

I’m getting married next May to my fiancee and we’re having a small wedding, 38 day guests and about 20 more in the evening. I don’t know what to do about my sister’s husband. Invitations aren’t out yet but it’s a family issue.

There are five of us siblings. My mum had three with my dad, then two with her second husband. My youngest half-sister is 26 and we’re really close, probably closer than I am to any of my other siblings. She’s been married before and has been with her current husband around 18 months. I have never really been close to him.

Tbh I have never really liked him, tbh, anyway, though. I think he’s a bit of a dick, but I know that isn’t really a reason to ban someone’s husband from your wedding. He’s not abusive and I haven’t tried to exclude him from family things before. He would normally be invited because we’re inviting established couples. My daughter is 9 and she’s the only child attending.

About six months ago he and my fiancee had a massive argument. He thought she’d deliberately left him out of a family barbecue and then messaged me saying I was letting my partner dictate the family. My fiancee replied and it all got quite nasty. I told both of them afterwards that it was ridiculous and said we should leave it. He has apologised once, but only for things getting heated, not for anything specific that was said.

What changed it for my fiancee was something he said to my daughter. He said “your mum won’t let you see your aunt as much once she’s married”. It wasn’t a threat, but I didn’t like him saying it to her. My fiancee now says she doesn’t feel comfortable having him there. I wasn’t there, she told me about it later that same evening.

My sister says her husband has been made the scapegoat for an argument that involved several people. She says she won’t come without him because it makes her feel her marriage is less important than mine. I can see why she feels that way, although I don’t think she’s entitled to bring someone my fiancee doesn’t want there.

My mum offered to pay for her hotel and childcare to attend. My sister says that’s made it worse because her family is asking her to choose between her husband and family. They paid a non refundable £180 hotel deposit, although I told her to wait. The venue has the capacity limit.

So I haven’t uninvited him because the invitations aren’t out yet. My fiancee says she’ll reconsider if he comes. I know never liked him, so I question it. Is it reasonable to invite my sister but not husband because of this, or am I making her choose between her marriage and my wedding? Mum told her we’re discussing it before I’ve decided.

It wasn't clear: is your fiancée saying she went reconsider marrying you if this guy comes to the wedding? If so, that feels odd and not fair on you.

Unfortunately, I feel like you have to invite the guy. Unless you want the fundamental breakdown of your relationship with your sister.

Feels like you're between a rock and a hard place. Either don't invite him and cause a major family problem and potentially lose your sister or lose your fiancée (if she was saying that)

Original poster
Omegaez · 19/09/2026 14:12

I probably haven’t explained the original argument very well tbh because it was a whole mess and other people were involved. He wasn’t the only person not invited to the bbq, it wasn’t my fiancee sitting there deciding who was and wasn’t allowed. There was a misunderstanding about who had actually been invited and he took it very personally.

The comment to my daughter is more what has bothered me. My daughter is my daughter, not my fiancee’s, so obviously she can’t stop her seeing her aunt. I think he was getting at the fact that things would change once we were married and that my fiancee would somehow come between them. Maybe I’m reading too much into it though.

And yes, when I say she’ll reconsider the wedding, she means she genuinely doesn’t want him there and doesn’t know if she can go through with the day if he is. I don’t know whether that’s actually a threat to call it off or whether she’s saying it because she’s very upset about everything that’s happened.

I do take the point about the longer term though. I don’t want this to become a situation where my sister and her husband aren’t welcome at family things because of one argument. That’s partly why I’m struggling with it. I also don’t want to make the decision purely because I don’t like him because that’s obviously not fair.

OP posts:
Throwmoneyatit · 19/09/2026 14:11

Sounds like playground antics from your fiancée. All this he said, she said and clearly trying to ruin your family ties - if I was in your position I'd be considering my wedding and marriage.

I'm assuming there was no issues like this between any of you before your fiancée was on the scene? Or are you missing out a big part of the story? This seems a very big reaction to a small situation. Also, why was your BIL not invited to a family bbq with his wife? You mentioned that BIL said there were more people involved, why has this not been explored?

Does your fiancée have close family links? That could be an indication of how she views relationships. But from what you've said, your fiancée appears controlling and who will use small things to try and sabotage relationships for you.

I'd invite your BIL and make sure your eyes are wide open going into this.

MyLimeGuide · 19/09/2026 14:09

So they have only been married for 17 months or together for 17 months? If her husband is a dick I can understand not wanting him at your wedding! I guess if its going to ruin things for your fiance you should put him 1st as it is HIS wedding

puppysleepdeprivation · 19/09/2026 14:03

I agree that this is the time to bury the hatchet and start fresh if you don't want a future of awkwardness and hostility.

And yes, if your partner is saying that she'll reconsider the wedding/marriage if he's invited, I think you have much bigger problems than whether or not to invite your BIL. It's possible the wedding shouldn't go forward at all.

Aabbcc1235 · 19/09/2026 14:03

I think that you need to sit down with your fiancée, ask her to explain to you really really honestly why she doesn’t want him there, and then shut up and listen.

Presumably your fiancée is a normal, reasonable person so there is either something about this row which made her very uncomfortable. Or something which happened before that which caused both the bbq incident and not wanting him present at the wedding. And whatever it is she feels strongly enough that she would cancel her own wedding rather than spend an evening in the same room.

Because women are much more at risk from predators, they often have much more strongly developed instincts than men. Your “think he’s a dick” may well be her “think he’s a danger”. But that’s often quite hard to talk about - especially if he’s your sister’s partner - especially if he’s been sexually aggressive.

I may be completely wrong, but I think it’s worth listening properly with an open mind.

musicforthesoul · 19/09/2026 14:02

I can't follow exactly what the argument was about but assuming it was petty like it sounds you need to invite him. Not inviting your sisters husband to your wedding is a big statement, and it's unlikely she'll attend without him. You'll cause a permanent rift between you and your sister if you don't invite him.

Jellybean23 · 19/09/2026 14:02

It will forever be a family rift if he's not invited. Rise above it all and invite him. It's a chance to patch things up.

BlueDillieDillie · 19/09/2026 13:59

Don't let your wedding become a Soap Opera. Just do the right thing and enjoy your day knowing that you haven't initiated a a mutigenerational feud that will be talked about every Christmas for a hundred years.

Random321 · 19/09/2026 13:57

If your partner is selfish enough to put your relationship with your sister at risk, that's not tge partner you need.

It was a petty argument - the immaturity, drama selfishness and controlling nature are concerning.