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Original poster

To tell my sister she can’t bring her husband to my wedding?

306 replies

Omegaez · 19/09/2026 13:27

I’m getting married next May to my fiancee and we’re having a small wedding, 38 day guests and about 20 more in the evening. I don’t know what to do about my sister’s husband. Invitations aren’t out yet but it’s a family issue.

There are five of us siblings. My mum had three with my dad, then two with her second husband. My youngest half-sister is 26 and we’re really close, probably closer than I am to any of my other siblings. She’s been married before and has been with her current husband around 18 months. I have never really been close to him.

Tbh I have never really liked him, tbh, anyway, though. I think he’s a bit of a dick, but I know that isn’t really a reason to ban someone’s husband from your wedding. He’s not abusive and I haven’t tried to exclude him from family things before. He would normally be invited because we’re inviting established couples. My daughter is 9 and she’s the only child attending.

About six months ago he and my fiancee had a massive argument. He thought she’d deliberately left him out of a family barbecue and then messaged me saying I was letting my partner dictate the family. My fiancee replied and it all got quite nasty. I told both of them afterwards that it was ridiculous and said we should leave it. He has apologised once, but only for things getting heated, not for anything specific that was said.

What changed it for my fiancee was something he said to my daughter. He said “your mum won’t let you see your aunt as much once she’s married”. It wasn’t a threat, but I didn’t like him saying it to her. My fiancee now says she doesn’t feel comfortable having him there. I wasn’t there, she told me about it later that same evening.

My sister says her husband has been made the scapegoat for an argument that involved several people. She says she won’t come without him because it makes her feel her marriage is less important than mine. I can see why she feels that way, although I don’t think she’s entitled to bring someone my fiancee doesn’t want there.

My mum offered to pay for her hotel and childcare to attend. My sister says that’s made it worse because her family is asking her to choose between her husband and family. They paid a non refundable £180 hotel deposit, although I told her to wait. The venue has the capacity limit.

So I haven’t uninvited him because the invitations aren’t out yet. My fiancee says she’ll reconsider if he comes. I know never liked him, so I question it. Is it reasonable to invite my sister but not husband because of this, or am I making her choose between her marriage and my wedding? Mum told her we’re discussing it before I’ve decided.

OP posts:
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AzureFinch · 21/09/2026 18:56

You should invite him or you'll lose your sister. You don't have to like him, sorry to say, we all have that dick relation

heylulu87 · 21/09/2026 18:40

I'd invite him, sounds like he's probably right.

Seajaye · 21/09/2026 16:39

Do you want to sister to be there and feel ok about the whole event? . If you do in then you invite everyone's spouse. I don't think you should single your sister out for differential treatment be uase she's married to someone your fiancée doesn't like.

Otherwise make the event even smaller and says it's a small wedding with parents and siblings only invited on both sides. If your fiance doesn't want to do that, them you should invite everyone's spouse

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 21/09/2026 16:36

AnotherEmma · 21/09/2026 14:34

This. Absolutely all this.

Show quote history

I have noticed over many years that a lot of people project their own failings onto others. So since his wife's not pointing him at the BBQ invite to both of them was hardly the fault of OP's fiancée, who had not tried to exclude either the sister or her husband, his leaping to call a completely innocent party a "controlling bitch" raises huge red flags for me about him.

I still feel that a careful and full discussion with the fiancée pointing out that if the sister decides to cut them off for her current husband's sake, she won't be able to ask them for help when her marriage to him collapses, is a way to go. Yes, the couple may still be married in a couple of years, but the sister possibly needing OP and her wife two years down the line is definitely an argument worth pointing out to the fiancée.

ThisWiseRobin · 21/09/2026 15:09

Spouses come and go....I've had 3, but family is forever. You just should not hurt your sister because your fiance doest like her husband.
Just invite him and be the bigger person.

AnotherEmma · 21/09/2026 14:34

RedSheep26 · 19/09/2026 19:08

I have a different perspective to most on this thread, informed by your latest update clarifying the argument OP, but also by your earlier posts.

There is a separate group chat with only nuclear family members - normal
Your sister missed the messages inviting them as a couple to the BBQ - not a big issue
Your sister didn’t tell BIL about the invite - not a big deal, but certainly not your fiancée’s fault
BIL lost his shit about thinking he had not been invited to the BBQ and started sending angry messages - ridiculous escalation
BIL called your fiancée a “controlling bitch” when she’d done nothing wrong - abusive, misogynistic escalation
BIL then dragged your nine year old child into the argument - manipulative, controlling and really nasty.

I really don’t understand the comments calling your fiancée controlling. She apologised for her part in the argument and for insulting him back, while he has never apologised for calling her a bitch. It seems to me like he’s throwing his weight around and is a nasty piece of work. He expects her to suck up his shitty, aggressive behaviour - not for the first time maybe if you already dislike him?

I can absolutely see why she’s uncomfortable having him at the wedding. Did you stand up for her when he lashed out and called her a bitch? Or did you leave her to deal with him alone, when she had done nothing wrong and he instigated a nasty fight?

We had people at our wedding that my husband or I were lukewarm on, that’s normal. We did not have anyone at our wedding who’d verbally abused either of us because their partner didn’t tell them about a BBQ they were invited to. Ridiculous.

Edited

This. Absolutely all this.

AnotherEmma · 21/09/2026 14:32

Omegaez · 19/09/2026 18:00

Ok I think I can see why everyone is confused because I have been explaining it in bits instead of just saying what actually happened.

The bbq was at ours. My fiancee was sorting the timings with my family because she was doing most of the organising. There is a family group chat but there is also a smaller one with me, my mum, my sisters and my fiancee in it. BIL isn’t in that one. My fiancee put the bbq time and food stuff in the smaller chat because we’d already been talking about it there. My sister is in that chat but she hadn’t opened the messages and had made other plans for that afternoon.

So BIL heard afterwards that everyone had been at ours and assumed he’d deliberately been left out. My sister then realised she’d missed the messages and said she’d never told him about it because she hadn’t seen them. That was basically the original misunderstanding.

He messaged me saying he thought it was deliberate and that my fiancee was controlling who was included in family things. My fiancee saw the messages and got angry. He then called her a controlling bitch, which is where I think it went from a stupid misunderstanding into an actual falling out. She called him an arsehole.

She did apologise afterwards for the way she’d spoken to him and the misunderstanding. He apologised for things getting heated but didn’t specifically apologise for calling her that. That’s what I meant when I said his apology wasn’t really an apology for what he’d actually said.

So no, I don’t think he was deliberately excluded from the bbq. My sister genuinely missed the messages. But I also don’t think he imagined the fact that he felt excluded, because from his point of view everyone had gone to a family bbq and he hadn’t been told.

The comment to my daughter happened afterwards, when things were still awkward between them. He said she wouldn’t see her aunt as much once me and my fiancee were married. I don’t know if he meant it as a dig or was trying to make a point about my fiancee, but I didn’t like him involving my daughter in it.

I hope that makes more sense. I should have just explained all of that in the first place.

He does sound like an arsehole.

Surely it was up to your sister to communicate to her husband? It's hardly your fiancée's fault that she didn't see the messages. It's fair to assume that couples will communicate with each other!

Having said that, I think it's a bit weird that she's even in the smaller chat group, if she's the only partner in the group with you, your mum and your sisters. Could you keep that one for family or origin and then the big family group chat includes partners as well?

He was completely out of order for abusing her for making an honest mistake. However, she didn't react well at all.

Your family sound like hard work and if you won't stand up to them at all, and too afraid of upsetting people, I'm not surprised she's rethinking the wedding. I would if I was her.

I suppose she is marrying into that whether she likes it or not. I don’t want this wedding to become the first big test of whether she can tolerate my family though.

But the wedding is exactly that, there's usually some drama - the more dysfunctional the family dynamics, the bigger the drama. So if she can't tolerate your family drama then it's best she realises it now.

The problem is that she has to be pretty emotionally mature to weather it all, and she seems to be adding to the drama rather than working with you to detach from it.

BeardySchnauzer · 21/09/2026 14:18

OP seems to have disappeared so hopefully that means it’s all resolved!

AnotherEmma · 21/09/2026 14:16

Sometimeslifeishardbutwecarryon · 19/09/2026 13:41

This. You and your new husband will be having such a lovely day, neither of you need even meet his eyes or if you do just acknowledge his presence with a smile. You can just immerse yourself in the joy of being with the family and friends that you do love. Hopefully they can both move on from this. (I, nor my family, can stand my brother’s wife but sometimes you just have to grit your teeth and attempt pleasantries even though it’s fake on our part. They've been together 40 years and I would have lost our treasured relationship long ago if he knew my true feelings). Good luck and have a brilliant day ❤️

Show quote history

Poor reading comprehension skills, OP clearly describes their fiancée using she/her pronouns, so they will have a wife, not a husband.

Tryagain26 · 21/09/2026 14:14

Of course you should invite him if you want your sister to attend. We don't always like our in laws but they are family. The arguement doesn't sound particularly serious anyway. It all sounds very petty and childish.
What is it about weddings that make people behave this way?

RowsOfFlowers · 21/09/2026 14:11

This sounds so petty

Spirallingdownwards · 21/09/2026 14:08

You say your fiancee wasn't trying to control who was at the bbq but she most definitely is trying to exclude him from the wedding. And she doesn't give a shit how this impacts your and your sister's relationship. This does indeed smack of the fiancee being controlling.

Thesafetygeneral · 21/09/2026 13:48

I think your partner is a bit out of order giving union an ultimatum and threatening you with calling the wedding off. This could cause a massive fall out within your own family and your partner sounds really childish to be honest. I’d never let someone hold me over a barrel like that

BeardySchnauzer · 21/09/2026 13:46

CrowOfTheAutumn · 21/09/2026 13:42

Yeah, I still can't work out if the sister (who missed the messages) was there or not. If not, how on earth did her husband feel left out?

Show quote history

I don’t think the sister saw the invite at all and she had plans for that time anyway. Maybe her husband didn’t!

tinyspiny · 21/09/2026 13:46

The biggest problem you have @Omegaez is what you said upthread And yes, when I say she’ll reconsider the wedding, she means she genuinely doesn’t want him there and doesn’t know if she can go through with the day if he is . Basically this has gone from petty family spat , which most families have to your partner trying to make you choose between your family and her . Frankly I’d have a good think about your partners behaviour as she is coming across very badly in what you’ve written throughout this thread . Most families have an in-law that they don’t like , I’ve got one on each side , you tolerate them because you love your siblings / partner / parent .

CrowOfTheAutumn · 21/09/2026 13:42

FiveEightNine · 19/09/2026 21:41

So... your sister wasn't at that specific BBQ either? That would change it a bit in my eyes.

I still think it's better to invite him.

Omitting him again, this time intentionally, would make the previous one look more intentional.

Yeah, I still can't work out if the sister (who missed the messages) was there or not. If not, how on earth did her husband feel left out?

ItsOkItsDarkChocolate · 21/09/2026 13:36

Ponderingwindow · 19/09/2026 20:10

Excluding him will create a permanent family rift. Your fiancé is asking you to lose your sister over this argument.

I think you need to ask yourself if the disagreement between your fiance and your BIL was truly that egregious. Excluding someone from a wedding is normally only done for issues of safety. Was he violent? Did he threaten her?

If you want to compromise, I would cancel the family wedding and just elope. The problem is that you are just postponing this problem. What happens at family gatherings? Are you going to ask your BIL to skip Christmas? Are you going to bow out yourself so your sister and her family can meet with the extended family while you celebrate elsewhere?

Sometimes family just need to let things go. If there is no safety issue, you just learn to make small talk and extricate yourself from the unwanted interaction as quickly as possible when you see the relative you don’t particularly like.

@Omegaez

I think this.

Sometimes we have to tolerate the odd arsehole at events for the sake of the wider family cohesion.

Tell your fiancée to kill him with kindness! 😂

KoiTetra · 21/09/2026 11:31

Omegaez · 19/09/2026 14:12

I probably haven’t explained the original argument very well tbh because it was a whole mess and other people were involved. He wasn’t the only person not invited to the bbq, it wasn’t my fiancee sitting there deciding who was and wasn’t allowed. There was a misunderstanding about who had actually been invited and he took it very personally.

The comment to my daughter is more what has bothered me. My daughter is my daughter, not my fiancee’s, so obviously she can’t stop her seeing her aunt. I think he was getting at the fact that things would change once we were married and that my fiancee would somehow come between them. Maybe I’m reading too much into it though.

And yes, when I say she’ll reconsider the wedding, she means she genuinely doesn’t want him there and doesn’t know if she can go through with the day if he is. I don’t know whether that’s actually a threat to call it off or whether she’s saying it because she’s very upset about everything that’s happened.

I do take the point about the longer term though. I don’t want this to become a situation where my sister and her husband aren’t welcome at family things because of one argument. That’s partly why I’m struggling with it. I also don’t want to make the decision purely because I don’t like him because that’s obviously not fair.

Op, I would say you are at the point of convincing your fiancée to invite him or having to choose between your fiancee and your sister.

If you don't invite him then I would say you can kiss goodbye to a relationship with your sister and you will welcome in family awkwardness and side taking forever more.

nam3c4ang3 · 21/09/2026 10:23

Why is your fiancee so controlling?

user1492757084 · 21/09/2026 10:11

Realistically, if you and your sister are going to maintain a close life long relationship, both of you need to tolerate the other's chosen partner.
Of course your sister's husband should be invited with her.
He might not be likable but he said sorry.

You ARE letting your partner decide the family.
You are allowed to take your partner's side.

Your choice.

ColadhSamh · 21/09/2026 09:18

The more information you posted the more I am team sister. However the bbq incident happened the result was the same. Her husband was omitted. Your sister has been put in an impossible position. You both have given her an ultimatum, her husband or your wedding. Given your partners insistence and the ongoing saga I think relationships have already been damaged.
If I was your sister I would be team husband all the way and would be evaluating my relationship with those who are supportive of your partners stance.

ThisMellowCat · 21/09/2026 07:47

You are on the way to losing a sister! You are putting her in a position where she has to choose, and it will not be you, or the family. How do I know? My family did it to me, him or us, they lost, I chose him, why ?because I never chose the family I had.
Get over yourselves it’s one day, and you’ll have so many people there, you probably won’t notice him!

Jaxhog · 20/09/2026 23:03

Surely he is no less or more a member of your family than your fiancee is? He shouldn't be dictating who gets invited to family affairs. I would have a chat with your sister about his 'right' to argue. If your fiancee cuts up rough about him being invited, then point out to her that this will just make his argument about being excluded stronger. No-one will benefit from this.

TbH I'd just want to bang their heads together!

CloudyWithAChanceOfCustard · 20/09/2026 22:39

YABU

BlackRowan · 20/09/2026 22:38

Omegaez · 19/09/2026 19:42

I also didn’t actually realise he wasn’t in the smaller group chat at the time, if I’m honest. I just assumed he was because my sister was in it and he’s in the other one but he doesn’t really use WhatsApp much anyway so I don’t think it even occurred to me that he wasn’t seeing what was being said.

It genuinely wasn’t deliberate though. There wasn’t a conversation between us about leaving him out or anything like that. It was just a stupid group chat mix up.

I can see now why from his point of view it looked deliberate though, especially finding out afterwards that we’d all been together. I don’t think my fiancee meant for it to happen either. It’s just got completely out of proportion since then tbh.

But isn’t it odd that your fiancée as organiser didn’t follow up with your sister or something? Odd that you are so checked out of organising that you don’t even know who’s in the chat and whether your sister read the message? The onus is on the organiser through so you and your fiancee as hosts did lead to them missing the BBQ

have there been some backstory of your sister and your husband or other family members being somehow excluded?

And also - I specifically re-read, looks like your fiancee blew up because she saw direct messages between you and your BIL. The message wasn’t to her or in a group chat, how did she manage to see these messages? Did you show them to her? (In which case you are also responsible for causing this drama given you know what she’s like) or she read your personal messages yourself?