AIBU to tell him to buy his own food

If I smack you repeatedly in the face because I’m strongly waving my arms around all the time, maybe I didn’t mean to hurt you but I still hurt you. It would be my responsibility to work on myself so I am not endangering other people with my involuntary arm waving - it isn’t for everyone else to forever dance around my arms hoping they don’t get hit. If it isn’t possible for me to ever control my arm waving then as sad as it is for me, it isn’t safe for other people to be around me.

Whether someone means to be controlling or abusive is not in and of itself enough reason for someone to put up with controlling and abusive behaviour, even if that person is nd. I am sorry I know people really don’t want to hear that, but it’s true. I know plenty of nd people who don’t control or abuse people. So many women are putting up with this type of thing and excusing it away as probably nd or quirks and it’s exhausting just hearing about it. In 5 years op will be ground down and living on Aldi beans as it’s just easier than always fighting it.

There’s a lots of controlling behaviours whereby it’s not been the persons intention and do not recognise that it’s controlling or the damage it does

Relationships are a compromise that’s the downside of living together but it does seem like he’s not willing to budge or compromise enough.

The potential ND is irrelevant, if he can’t compromise then he can’t live with someone.
It’s not an excuse to only have things his own way.

No what I’m saying is that we are teaching our kids that we love them no matter what neurodiversity, and working around it, but then we won’t accept any in a partner. So aren’t we just setting our kids up to be lonely as adults if we don’t accept adults with neurodivergence?

Every post is the same, kid with neurodivergence we support, partner with neurodivergence we don’t

Has he always been abusive or is this new behaviour?

So you can never get another dog? Is he allergic?

Are you happy living together?

I genuinely couldn’t cope with this and I feel this would strain my relationship.

I would genuinely consider living separately.

What was the reason you got married before living together?
Why not wait to get married until you had already lived together?

But it’s controlling full stop.

What would he say if you insisted on only shopping at Tesco from now on and controlling where he shops?

Also - unless I've misread, the guy isn't even diagnosed/ND suspected.

Its am armchair diagnosis from posters.

Being ND isn't a free pass to act like an arse (said as a mum of ND kids). You can support someone to deal with life in ways they can manage, but that can't just be to shrug their shoulders and say 'this is me , YOU deal with it!'

What does he bring to the relationship?

From the sound of it, nothing but stress and criticism.

I think he might be a covert narc. This is a common ‘quirk’ please read about it.

OP, I think that the best way "to get him to see this logically" will be to just implement the changes you need to make.

Once he realises that a food delivery is coming every week, he will adjust to that.

The same with booking a cleaner.

Your life shouldn't be open to being made more difficult because of his whims.

It is rather … Particularly since I moved cities and now place the coffee and bakery orders online but enjoy a glorious walk into town every week to pick them up.

Decades ago when I lived in Edinburgh I used to adore going to the farmers’ market under the castle, and queuing for game at the butchers. Once I stopped eating meat it took many years, and house moves, and incremental changes to hone my food shopping routines to the point where they’re exactly what I want. (Oh, I forgot a very expensive Tinned Fish Market habit! It’s that or Pesky Fish, as I don’t live on a Mediterranean port.)

I don’t think your DH would find me easy to live with. 💀

There is a huge huge difference between making accommodations between your own child with ND, and a partner. The difference is choice, and unconditional love. We have fo live with our children. The op doesn’t have to. The op has made her own decision that she’s happy (ish!) to accept this part of him because of what he brings. Other people wouldn’t make this decision/choice and they are allowed to respond. It’s the whole point of asking on a forum - what would ‘you’ do?

I have adhd and I’m not a prick to live with - being nd doesn’t mean the rest of the world has any responsibility to bend to your every whim and difficulty. There is responsibility on the nd person to get their shit together as well. This man is very lucky to have op because I wouldn’t be putting up with it. Now off to make lunch for my dc that I bought from m&s earlier and I even bought one of those overpriced munch mix tins as it looked cute 😁

Sounds really unnecessarily nitpicky. And the thing is you can afford it.

our household income is a bit lower than yours and the food shop costs what it costs, we never argue about it.

This. The more you post the worse he sounds OP - he'll wear your spirit down with his inability total unwillingness to compromise . It's absolutely barmy to have that much disposable income a month and he be sat there like Scrooge mcduck about his aldi beans and no cleaner. ATM it's all new and a bit "oh what is he like eh?" 5 years of this and you'll be weary and crushed

he needs to bloody compromise and understand it's not all about what he wants

But you could live like that!

All this bending over backwards so that he’s not paying a bean for your kids in any way shape or form is just so mean and unattractive.

why are you with someone so pathologically stingey?

The more I read on this thread the more annoyed I am by the posters.

The man is neurodiverse (seemingly) - all the parents on here who are trying to help their kids who are neurodiverse but then a man has some issues and now it is the worst marriage in the world…ffs.

@BugOnARugDrinkingTeaFromAMug loves him, all she wants is some advice on the tightness thing, but so many posters are trying to write off the relationship just because he is a bit tight and rigid, which is almost certainly due to autism/adhd/OCD. Give the guy (and OP) a break.

Tell him to fuck right off ! What a scabby bastard.
you have lots of disposable income. You can buy whatever the hell you like in the food shop ! £150/£180 a week seems so miserly and tight for this amount of people. £120 sounds basic. Get yourself a nice weekly M&S food/Ocado food delivery and spare yourself all this hassle.

I’ve been ordering from Ocado for fifteen years. Hell would freeze over before any man told me I’m no longer allowed to do so.

(I also have a coffee bean subscription, and a weekly Riverford veg box, and order bread and cheese from a bakery, and wholefoods from another source, and wine from another. I like my life like that. And feel very sorry for the OP!)