AIBU to tell him to buy his own food

So, your initial question was,
"Would I be unreasonable to tell him to do his own shopping if he is that bothered!! It literally doesn't cost him a penny extra regardless of what I buy!!"

TBH, I think it is the optimum solution. And since "he has his own double cupboard for things that only be eats and we have two fridge freezers" it is best he keeps all his food separately; in that double cupboard and one of the fridge-freezers for his sole use (and he has to keep his nose and hands out of yours). He can be reassured by knowing where every penny of his personal food budget is going.

"We eat our evening meal together as a family, we always make an extra portion for him to take to work the next day too."
I'd be changing that. He wants to buy and eat the cheapest of the cheap and would "eat plain chicken and rice every day" if he were shopping for himself. So let him do that. No more cooking extra portions for him, tell him you'll stick his chicken and rice on whilst you're cooking your own, from your cupboards/fridge-freezer. You'll still be eating together, but he eats the cheap shit he wants to eat and you and your children can eat a nice varied menu. He will have nothing to complain about because he's paying for his own and eating his own, and if I heard one word of criticism from him about what I was eating, he'd be eating alone.

No more making nice food for him from your supplies. No more supplying him with tomorrow's lunch either. The tight git can buy and prepare his own. I'd be wondering how Mr Tightfist regarded these portions. In his mind, is it a financial 'win' because he's getting something he hasn't paid for? I wonder.

"Occasionally if I am cooking something he won't eat I makes something different for him. I am cooking separately for DS anyway (autistic) so it doesn't bother me."
Well he's getting chicken and rice now.

"When he cooks he cooked it they way he likes it which is fine just quite bland."
I would not be happy with that. You cater to his tastes but he won't cater to yours? No. I'd be cooking for myself now, without exception. I'd make him his bland chicken and rice on top, but I wouldn't eat his bland food. Food is one of life's great pleasures, if he wants to reduce it to 'fuel' he can, but he can't do that to everyone else in the household.

"He is significantly better off financially after we moved on together than he was when living on his own and he benfeyfrom a nicer home than he originally had."
And I'd be pointing that out every time he was fool enough to nitpick over my spending of my money. And asking if he's so bothered by my spending that he'd prefer to reverse back to those living arrangements. No? Well put a sock in it then!

"Although he is very focused on us being a family and using the joint account but only on his terms."
So you're allowed to put money into the joint account, but he wants to be in control of what comes out of it? No, nopeity, nein. That's not how 'joint' works.

A few posters have pointed out that his behaviour is controlling, and I agree with them, it is. Neurodiversity (especially undiagnosed) should never be a Get Out Of Jail Free Card for that.

But For now, I'd be telling him 'that's your cupboard, that's your fridge-freezer, from now on your food budget is all yours to do with as you wish, knock yourself out living on a fiver a week if that floats your boat. But you don't touch my food cupboards or my fridge-freezer, you haven't paid a penny towards their contents so they're off-limits. And I don't want to hear a peep out of you about how I spend my money'.

And see how it goes.

I live alone in a three bedroom house and use every square meter of it. It's not a given that op and her husband would want to live in a smaller one. Not everyone wants to make do with a smaller property, especially not when they can easily afford where they are living at the moment.

It's not about whether you have an opinion or are laid back about it or are being petty.

It's about demonstrating to him what it feels like to have something he regards as normal/essential criticised as extravagant and unnecessary - as he is doing to you. It's about giving him another way to look at things.

Wow - HE is controlling and this is no way to live. If you live together /are married - your children are his step-children. He should and is financially responsible for them too. This does not sound like a partnership

I always get very surprised about how some couples organise their joint income down to the last penny.
Sometimes I pay for food sometimes my husband does we share it all and don't think about who is eating what or who is spending more on treats. Or whether I am using more food because I invited my friends round to dinner!
We don't have the perfect marriage but we have never argued about money or who pays for what. We just get on with it!
The nitpicking that seems to happen in some relationships is just unbelievable to me

@BugOnARugDrinkingTeaFromAMug

I don't disagree with how you and he are handling the finances. If it works for you, if you don't mind kicking in a bit extra, so be it. And if you don't mind doing more housework, more power to you. It just seems like you are doing a lot more of 'giving in' than he is. You need to watch this carefully because it can get out of hand before you realize it.

What I wouldn't put up with is his criticizing you spending your own money. If there were to be a discussion it wouldn't focus on who pays for what or why it's OK for you to spend more from your own finances it would focus solely on why does it emotionally bother him when it doesn't come out of his money. It doesn't cost him, from what you say there is space in the fridge and cupboards, and there isn't much food wastage. So I'd bat away any comments along those lines with very calmly saying "There is room, so why does it bother you?", "There is not great wastage, so why does it bother you?", and "It doesn't cost you a penny piece more, so why does it bother you?". If you drill down and repeat until he (hopefully) sputters into silence, maybe he'll realize that he needs to shut up. And if he doesn't, then you seriously need to consider whether or not it's simply about control in an area he feels he can.

‘We’ aren’t teaching our children that. And the ones that are teaching their kids that only their wants matter, are indeed setting them up to fail.

I do teach my ND child both that she is loved, but also that other people have needs too. She knows she will either have to live alone, or compromise. She knows that it isn’t acceptable to be the only one setting all the rules in a shared house.

my H is absolutely the other way and won’t compromise on quality , be it food, holiday hotels or flights at shit times and we most certainly aren’t loaded- and probably won’t ever be given his spending habits - we do eat well though and he’s king of a yellow sticker for freezer.

I couldnt be bothered for this seperate money, bickering about who pays what rubbish.

Its not costing him anything so he should just be quiet.

I’m all for compromise and accepting people’s quirks. If I were you I’d be thinking very carefully about what compromises he was making on my behalf and just check that the balance is fair. I would, however, be shutting down the constant ‘jokes’ (you know it’s not a joke or it wouldn’t get to you) and quite firmly so. I would be spelling out all the compromises you have already made for him and that the choices you make around food shopping beyond that have no impact on him, and if he said it again, then I would have to assume that he is actually malicious and controlling.

He sounds joyless. I had one like this that moaned about groceries or heating or the cost of anything that wasn't as he claimed benefitting him. This is because it was about there being more for him and him alone.

Of course the budget was under that week, you were hardly there!

You work hard and you spend your money as you see fit. No one would tell me not to buy the decent laundry detergent or the nice bits of food. Life is too short for this shit.

I'd buy for you and your DC and he can sit there with beans and rice. Or better still move out.

What a miserable way to live...

Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life.
I actually thought you both must be really short of money.

There’s three of us, then!

It’s him who is arguing,
yes absolutely yes tell him to buy his own food

Hi OP, this constant moaning about how much you spend on food and 'crap' would actually be a big deal for me, whether it's done in a jokey way or not. (You know he's not joking).

It is actually your husband being very controlling, and I would not be going along with it.

If I could afford to eat Heinz baked beans there's no way I'd eat Aldi's because someone else "has to have them".

Food is one of life's great pleasures, and if I can afford to buy whatever I want, that's what I'm going to do.
Why should you be the one to compromise?

Him saying that he's worried about storage space and food waste is him trying to justify why you should do what he wants you to do ie eat cheap food and only buy the bare minimum.

It sounds like you have plenty of space, and waste very little.

Fwiw I worked with SEN students for 22 years, so I do know a little bit about dealing with people with ND.

I think you need to have a serious conversation with him about how he is disrespecting you and the choices you are entitled to make as a self-financing adult.

Tell him that it is infuriating to be told what you can and cannot buy and eat, and that you will not be having another conversation about it again.

Offer him the opportunity to have his own food budget, own fridge freezer, and own store cupboard, so that he can control his own space and food waste.

And you and your DC can have the same. And he cannot comment on any of it.

Good luck OP.

Hi @BugOnARugDrinkingTeaFromAMug,

He sounds similar to my (autistic) DH.

Mine has financial anxiety despite us being higher earners. He'd probably just live on tinned fish if on his own!

He also needs to control his environment and doesn't instinctively understand the impact he has on others. I have to carefully explain this to him.

We compromise by having budgets and long-term saving plans whilst also spending enough to enjoy life now. Whether that's groceries or entertainment. When I explain that this is important to me he complains less.

What doesn't work is comparing our family to others (he thinks they're wrong), saying the kids want it (he thinks they're spoilt) or me staying quiet (he's then oblivious to the compromises I'm making).

Just tell him
If he thinks you buy crap then you don’t mind if he wants to buy his own food and take the 40% food money out the joint account
Has it’s getting to the point you don’t want to be arguing and you have more that enough money spare to enjoy what you want to eat
your quite willing to do your own shop with your 60% food money and put whatever more in it costs you.

Live’s to short to deprive yourself, especially if you can afford to buy whatever you want

Have to say I agree with a previous poster with so much disposable income you could live that same way. Plenty of money to save/invest and enjoy nice cheese, fresh sourdough and Ocado if you want. What is stopping you, just his attitude?

This. It sounds stressful and hideously unromantic. Yikes.

God, men and their egos. He's happy to benefit from you earning more, but he also needs to bring in some who-really-wears-the-trousers crap. Nip this in the bud hard and fast or you'll have a terrible life. Tell him to knock it off or you'll leave him to do all the shopping, meal planning and cooking. Failing that, ask him to think a bit more about what it would cost him to go back to two separate households.

Any other excuses, same - slap it down hard and make it clear this isn't up for debate. Space in the freezer? Yeah, mate - my house, my freezer, my money and I'll arrange the freezer how I damn well like. And so on.

I think you've married a sexist prick tbh. But if you want to stay married and not spend your life pandering to a sexist prick's nonsense, you'll need to set the ground rules right from the start. They can change, sometimes - but it usually requires a woman to be very firm and not give an inch.

This is absolutely nuts. He's tight, isn't he? By which I mean very tight. Your food budget is tiny! I earn half what you do and we spend over £200 a week for just two of us because we can afford it .

Scent beads are terrible for your washing machine and for the environment.

OP I’ve read your posts. This is exactly how mine started. Please, please, please keep you eyes wide open.