Page 4 | AIBU to tell him to buy his own food

BugOnARugDrinkingTeaFromAMug · 2026-09-19T07:09:06+00:00

Me and DH have set a household budget as follows; All household expenses including food are paid from the joint account. We totalled them up, set a budget including a buffer and then split it 60:40 with me paying 60 him paying 40, this was my suggestion as I earnore than he does. I pay all child related expenses for my son, school dinners, bus fares, clubs, allowance, clothes, presents etc from my personal account because the children are mine from a previous marriage. DD is 18 and buys all her own stuff and expenses and contributed £100 a month to food which goes into the joint account. I have another DS who is away at uni and I pay anything for him out of my personal account. Anyway all that to say, he is not subsidising my kids. We set a food budget of £150 a week, if it the shopping goes over this then I transfer the extra from my personal account to the joint account. When DS was home over summer for example I was putting extra in every week which is fine. His GF also stayed for a week and I bout extra treats etc and feeding six People so it did go quite over but it didn't cost DH anything at all. So this morning I am going to do the food shop since he is at work and he has just given me a lecture about not buying shite, trying to get under budget. Saying how when he went last week he only spent £120 (I was away with work for 3 days so he had less to feed) . Would I be unreasonable to tell him to do his own shopping if he is that bothered!! It literally doesn't cost him a penny extra regardless of what I buy!! (We are very comfortable financially so not like he is worried about money, take home between us of 6k and total bills including food less than 2k)

Sereine · 22/09/2026 09:28

If the joint account is for bills, can you just put it to him that "bills" also includes the costs of joint purchases and joint activities like presents, holidays, meals out etc? Would it make him any happier if you just agreed that each of you would put in an extra, say, £50-100 per month to cover them?

backformoreofthesame · 22/09/2026 09:24

his food shopping shouldn’t come out of your pocket though

I would go through your food bill in huge detail down to “you had 200g of pasta and I had 100g”

”I had 4 busicuits and you had 2”

Duckiewasthefirstniceguy · 22/09/2026 09:19

BugOnARugDrinkingTeaFromAMug · 22/09/2026 09:16

He thinks other people are stupid and don't do things correctly and everyone should be more like him.

I think we just fundamentally disagree on the purpose of the joint account and I take great exception to being told that I can't spend £40 as I see fit.

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So, then he does acknowledge it’s a ‘him’ thing. He just thinks he knows best and you should do as he says. This is incredibly controlling behaviour.

When you row about this, is he getting how seriously fucked up it all is? Or is it just being dismissed as you being silly?

Sxwer · 22/09/2026 09:18

It is really sad that you have inflicted this man on your children.

He is so controlling.
You all deserve so much better.

I fail to see the reasoning of marrying someone you never lived with, to find this shitshow as a result.

Original poster

BugOnARugDrinkingTeaFromAMug · 22/09/2026 09:16

Duckiewasthefirstniceguy · 22/09/2026 08:48

So, is he under the impression that this is standard behaviour? He thinks everyone does it?

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He thinks other people are stupid and don't do things correctly and everyone should be more like him.

I think we just fundamentally disagree on the purpose of the joint account and I take great exception to being told that I can't spend £40 as I see fit.

OP posts:

Original poster

BugOnARugDrinkingTeaFromAMug · 22/09/2026 09:14

I think I have three options here

1 - we discuss what the joint account should be for and agree a spending limit that we can spend without discussion. Ie £100 day or whatever. So we are both on the same page about what we do or don't use the joint account for rather than him dictating to me what we do with it.

I can't see this working as this is what I tried last night and we couldn't agree. I think it should be for any joint expenditure, he thinks it's just bills, food and a buffet for anything we want to do to the house.

2 - We both take out our share of what is in there now and put in our exact share of bills as they fall due. Maybe leaving £100 as a very small buffer incase of an unexpected increase in anything. Then we go back to having entirely separate finances, I do the food shop from my account and he transfers to me his set portion each week.

This will probably work.

3 - Go back to living separately or divorce. Bit soon for this option, I am not ready to throw my marriage away yet when we could potentially overcome it with a bit of work.

OP posts:

LetMeGoogleThat · 22/09/2026 09:07

Sounds like he's just mansplained himself a new chore, if he is the expert...let's him do the bloody shopping.

Evaka · 22/09/2026 08:51

Your latest post is really sad. He's a nightmare OP. Read back slowly to yourself. He's consistently, systematically making your life more complex and difficult with his totally arbitrary rules and rigidity.

Duckiewasthefirstniceguy · 22/09/2026 08:48

BugOnARugDrinkingTeaFromAMug · 22/09/2026 08:39

He does acknowledge he had certain "him" things.

He is refusing to see that this is one of them and out right refuses the idea that he has set some rule in his mind regarding the joint account.

We do a similar approach to you on lots of other things.

Show quote history

So, is he under the impression that this is standard behaviour? He thinks everyone does it?

Original poster

BugOnARugDrinkingTeaFromAMug · 22/09/2026 08:39

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 22/09/2026 08:11

What helped DH (very similar) was open discussion about his foibles, and how I would accommodate to an extent but that sometimes that wasn’t possible. That’s where the fun budget spending pot came from.

So in this situation I’d be having a conversation with him about how he likes his accounts ordered, how he rounds things up etc. I’d point out it’s very organised and an interesting way to do it, and it works for him so that’s nice.
I’d then kindly and calmly point out that it isn’t compulsory, lots of people successfully manage their accounts differently. That I’d been financially sensible and successful for decades with a different system.

I’d do the same about various other traits, and we’d have a shared language of that being a ‘you thing’, or whatever.

It’s really helped us be able to discuss things. It’s helped me point out to him that he’s very tense and tetchy, and it might be because he’s worrying about the dentist next week, etc. This is something he doesn’t notice for himself, so doesn’t manage. He is coping far better with life now he understands his own behaviours more- and importantly is less likely to impact me with them because he understands it’s a him thing and I’m not being unreasonable in objecting to being caught up in it.

Show quote history

He does acknowledge he had certain "him" things.

He is refusing to see that this is one of them and out right refuses the idea that he has set some rule in his mind regarding the joint account.

We do a similar approach to you on lots of other things.

OP posts:

SomethingFun · 22/09/2026 08:32

Op he is smacking you in the face with his arm flailing. Having inflexible rules about anything is never going to end well regardless of the reasoning behind it. Also it’s nice you’re buying for his sisters but I bet if you have any he’s not buying for them seeing as though he won’t even countenance paying for anything for his wife’s dcs.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 22/09/2026 08:11

BugOnARugDrinkingTeaFromAMug · 22/09/2026 07:10

Bit of an update: yesterday I was in Boots, spotted that they have their Christmas 3 for 2 on. I picked up 3 lovely set for his sisters, from both of us, so used the joint card. Total £40 (3 x £20 gift sets)

He was happy with the gifts but then said we both need to add £20 to the joint account to cover the costs. I refused as it's pointless, there is plenty of money in the joint account, bills are paid and we have one measly (£150 remember) food shop to go before we put our next money in.

So then he says - That's not what the joint account is for.

I said yes it is, joint expenditure, joint account.

So basically he went off saying how will we ever build up the joint account buffer if I am just going to be spending from there will nilly (this is the first time I have used it for anything outside of food shopping when we haven't been physically together).

I told him he is being controlling, the account is equally mine and if I want to spend £40 I shouldn't need his permission.

The thing is, I know he had all these rules round his own accounts and I think he is getting obsessed with them on the joint account now too. So his current account can't have less than thousand pounds in ever. Whatever he gets on interest on his savings accounts he has to add in the difference to bring it to a round number. There are more but I think that illustrated the point.

I have told him I think we should take the money out of he joint account and just put in exactly our share of the bills, I will do the food shop and he can send me his share and that's that.

He thinks I am being hysterical and he's not controlling, I just want to spend money just because it's there and we can easily afford to put £20 in from our personal accounts. That's really not the point is it.

Edited

What helped DH (very similar) was open discussion about his foibles, and how I would accommodate to an extent but that sometimes that wasn’t possible. That’s where the fun budget spending pot came from.

So in this situation I’d be having a conversation with him about how he likes his accounts ordered, how he rounds things up etc. I’d point out it’s very organised and an interesting way to do it, and it works for him so that’s nice.
I’d then kindly and calmly point out that it isn’t compulsory, lots of people successfully manage their accounts differently. That I’d been financially sensible and successful for decades with a different system.

I’d do the same about various other traits, and we’d have a shared language of that being a ‘you thing’, or whatever.

It’s really helped us be able to discuss things. It’s helped me point out to him that he’s very tense and tetchy, and it might be because he’s worrying about the dentist next week, etc. This is something he doesn’t notice for himself, so doesn’t manage. He is coping far better with life now he understands his own behaviours more- and importantly is less likely to impact me with them because he understands it’s a him thing and I’m not being unreasonable in objecting to being caught up in it.

Dunnocantthinkofone · 22/09/2026 08:02

I think that proves the point many of us were making OP
This has nothing to do with the food shop. And everything to do with control

Do you REALLY think his good points outweigh having to live this way for the rest of your life?

Spaceneedleandasingaporesling · 22/09/2026 07:30

His response to your very valid solution speaks volumes…..

he called you hysterical…so essentially name calling and gaslighting you.

Why? Well, because you won’t submit and do as you are told. Won’t allow him to dictate.

@BugOnARugDrinkingTeaFromAMug l know that you care and love him. But he really needs to change (not you). What you have posted about money, is far from unreasonable. This man, who has no Dc of his own and has lived on his own for a very long time is being controlling.

If he can’t change….then he needs to go and live on his own.

FeralWoman · 22/09/2026 07:21

@BugOnARugDrinkingTeaFromAMug Do you really want to live this way for the rest of your life? It sounds so restrictive. Thank goodness you have your money and can tell him to go jump and you’re not dependent on him. I think you might need to seriously consider living separately again if you want to remain in a relationship with him. Don’t let possible ND make you think that the way he’s acting is okay. It’s not. I say that as the wife of a man who is ND. The thought of only ever eating Aldi food sounds depressing. Go to Tesco and get your nice foods. He can do his miserable tight-fisted boring Aldi shopping for himself. BTW why wasn’t he happy that you basically got one gift for free, or one third off each? And that you think of his sisters and care about getting them something nice? Ungrateful sod.

Madamecholetsbonnet · 22/09/2026 07:16

Your suggestion is sensible. Let’s hope he agrees.

Original poster

BugOnARugDrinkingTeaFromAMug · 22/09/2026 07:10

Bit of an update: yesterday I was in Boots, spotted that they have their Christmas 3 for 2 on. I picked up 3 lovely set for his sisters, from both of us, so used the joint card. Total £40 (3 x £20 gift sets)

He was happy with the gifts but then said we both need to add £20 to the joint account to cover the costs. I refused as it's pointless, there is plenty of money in the joint account, bills are paid and we have one measly (£150 remember) food shop to go before we put our next money in.

So then he says - That's not what the joint account is for.

I said yes it is, joint expenditure, joint account.

So basically he went off saying how will we ever build up the joint account buffer if I am just going to be spending from there will nilly (this is the first time I have used it for anything outside of food shopping when we haven't been physically together).

I told him he is being controlling, the account is equally mine and if I want to spend £40 I shouldn't need his permission.

The thing is, I know he had all these rules round his own accounts and I think he is getting obsessed with them on the joint account now too. So his current account can't have less than thousand pounds in ever. Whatever he gets on interest on his savings accounts he has to add in the difference to bring it to a round number. There are more but I think that illustrated the point.

I have told him I think we should take the money out of he joint account and just put in exactly our share of the bills, I will do the food shop and he can send me his share and that's that.

He thinks I am being hysterical and he's not controlling, I just want to spend money just because it's there and we can easily afford to put £20 in from our personal accounts. That's really not the point is it.

OP posts:

TheSunnySwan · 21/09/2026 16:40

Are you happy in your relationship

Gossipisgood · 21/09/2026 12:19

So because you earn more he expects you to pay more towards the household even though you are supporting your kids alone? That in it's self is selfish of him. Now he's whining about going over budget on a food shop that he isn't paying for? Tell him to do the weekly shop himself on his budget, split it 50/50 then do a shop yourself with all the goodies & treats you want for you & the kids. He can't moan then & best of all he can't have anything from your shopping coz he's not contributed to it. He'll soon see how his behaviour is out of order when he's scrimping on the pennies & you & the kids are enjoying life without penny pinching.

Chocolateistheanswer2026 · 21/09/2026 11:59

Fidgety31 · 19/09/2026 09:08

But the fact is you do have adult children there which your husband is sharing the house with.
he is contributing to their upkeep and I expect he resents this and that is why he keeps mentioning finances .
You seem to think it shouldn’t matter but I expect it matters a lot - you’re just not hearing it .

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He must have been paying a lot more before he moved in though as he would have had to pay mortgage/rent and all bills by himself. So he is saving a lot of money by living with the family and should not resent his wife's children. It's not like he didn't know about them when he married her!

askmenow · 21/09/2026 02:45

Man, he wouldn't last long with me! Tell him to STFU or bugger off if he feels he's hard done by.
If a man doesn't consider himself lucky to have you, as far as I'm concerned he knows where the door is. Don't sell yourself short.

I'll bet he even carefully considers the cost of pressies he buys "your" children. Either you're a family or not.
What does he bring to the table , a gold plated d...k?

Laurmolonlabe · 20/09/2026 23:17

I plan, shop for, and cook all the food in our household and I brook no arguments about any of my choices- if others want to make a different choice they can shop and cook for themselves.

fetchacloth · 20/09/2026 21:27

I really couldn't live like this, it would do my head in. 🙄
I would be telling him to get a life and stop being so petty.

JJWT · 20/09/2026 21:00

BugOnARugDrinkingTeaFromAMug · 19/09/2026 09:16

Space wise he has his own double cupboard for things that only be eats and we have two fridge freezers so not really a space issue.

There can be wastage sometimes, this week three yogurts will go in the bin because DD thought they were mine so didn't eat them. The odd bit of fruit gets chucked when it's past it's best.

I do most of the cleaning. He is tidy but I clean properly, I do all the bathrooms, we do our own laundry and I do DSs, we take turns cooking and doing dishes, I change the bedding and do stuff like dusting, wiping surfaces, he does bins.

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Surely with over 4k of disposable income per month you could have a cleaner and spend more quality time on other pursuits?

Whenisitsummer · 20/09/2026 19:25

Not read the whole thread so apologies if it's been said.
Can you not just do the shop in two 'parts' when you go?
So you do the 'main' shop and pay from the joint account. Then you put your additional items through the till separately and pay from your own account for those .
That way your 'on budget' from the joint account point of view.
Of course you should be able to spend what you like, without having to justify it or explain anything, when you have the finances set up as you do. But if you want an easy solution, this could be it.