Mums who gave everything to their children — what did you wish you’d done for yourself?

I’m sixty and became a SP when mine were ten and thirteen.

I am so glad I had maintained friendships while mine were little. Although I am a ND introvert, I do enjoy seeing friends maybe once a week.

In terms of carving out a life for yourself now, what really matters to you? What interests you? What interests and hobbies did you have as a child?

These don’t have to be fascinating impressive things! My friends do various hobbies such as knitting, jigsaws, gym, running, one became a massage therapist. I have become involved in local politics and with an animal charity.

Maybe something that will help you professionally like further study? A new language or instrument?

I hope you find something that works for you.

My advice is

Take up a volunteering hobby that you can be flexible about doing. I did something connected to the arts because I find it interesting but my friends and family don’t. From this I have extra friends, an interesting but cheap option to do something as often as I’d like, and my kids see me as having an interest that’s not just based on them.

My friend’s mum gave her some really good advice on her wedding day - always remember you’re a wife as well as a mother - and it has always stuck with me. Make time for your relationship, prioritise it, nurture it, talk things out before they become a serious issue, date each other, and don’t let romance and intimacy fall off the radar - even when times get tough. You’ll both be happier, be better able to support each other, and you’re demonstrating to your kids what a healthy relationship looks like. When your kids leave home you and your DH will remain. You want it to be a positive time that opens up new opportunities for you both rather than the death knoll for the partnership.

OP literally says ‘I’m a single mum’ in her first sentence.

And the fantastic thing about being a single mum is that you don't have to worry about all that nonsense.

I am not a single parent but in my mind I am a separate entity. I always talk to my kid about understanding that the privileges come at a cost to the parent. Teach your kids the values of housework, value of time amd effort it takes to make their life easy. When I am on my periods I tell my kid that I will prioritise rest and he is sympathetic about it. When my kid was a toddler I didn't even put face cream on. Now I dress well, try to look after myself, put make up on. I do go on trips away without my family at least once a year.I was brought up in such a way that I always order the cheapest item on the menu, later regretting my choice,while my son orders whatever he feels like without looking at the price. So now I tell him our budget for the meal and he tries his best to stick to it and I try my best to order what I would actually like. I have mum friends whose life revolve around providing everything to the kids, and the kids are becoming selfish teenagers who just look at the mums as full time caretaker who just give give and give.So OP please do this not only for yourself but for them as well.

Absolutely this, I read so many people on here who have got into the mindset that it’s their parents job to ‘support’ them through adulthood. Feathering their children’s nest doesn’t necessarily even bring their children increased happiness. There are always exceptions and I would absolutely be there for my children if they truly needed me but teaching your children that someone else is responsible for providing them with the life they would like is silly.

Definitely this. Spend time with other women whom you click with, trust, chat, have laughs. My kids are similar ages and without this I’d be full of resentment for the role I play in my family! Even if I spend a lot of my time with friends talking about my kids at this stage, it’s about me and my relationship with them. Tending to the dilemmas and frustrations I have and being validated. And these are the friends I have trips away with on occasion, and remember what it’s like to be me, when not a mum.

I am in a similar situation. Now mid forties, have 2 DC aged 15 and 11, been single mum since they were 4 and 8. Dad sees them EOW but not involved in anything other than babysitting. I do everything parenting related so it is full on. I have also worked FT the past 5 years in a stressful job although I WFH which helps. But my life is work and kids and my dog! I dont have time or energy to go to the gym or run much as kids have activities every day after school/work so I have very little free time.
What I have realised is that I don't have any local friends left. Years of turning down invites because of childcare and also the fact I became a single parent literally a few weeks before covid, has meant im a bit of a loner! For now though I have no regrets. I am happy, my kids are happy, settled and doing well and time is going so so fast. My plan is to get back into me mode and making friends, joining clubs in a few years time. Just hoping that works out!!

@AmyJahabee two of the most useful posts on this thread are just a few posts above this one - @SavageGarden23 and @Slowingdowm

You may be doing all the cooking and cleaning and house work when they are very small but, and I can't emphasise this enough, get them to help and to consider helping normal, as they grow up.

At first you have to put even more work in to teach and supervise, and it won't be done to a perfect standard, but over time they will improve.

And you will have created people who consider pulling their weight as normal, and helped them understand self-reliance, pulling together as a team and that they contribute.

For the first time in my life, my relationship of the last six years is with someone who considers housework as normal as I do and who pulls his weight. I can't tell you how much nicer it is having a 50% workload (sometimes less than 50% as I have significant health problems, but I'm no longer in a situation that if I don't do stuff, no one will). He did his share in his household from really very young - 6 or so. Small stuff of course at first, but it grew in time.

A couple of friends who have independent, confident, successful children who are great partners, I asked them how they did it, and they both encouraged their children to take responsibility for their rooms and for hoovering and cleaning from a young age, to walk to the corner shop with a few coins for crisps, to cycle instead of being taken everywhere by car ... ie, they taught them to put the work in and to be self-reliant where possible. To see a job and do it because it needed to be done, not to ignore it and have to be nagged and for it to become a major argument.

As I say, it takes even more work at first but it really, really pays off when I consider my partner and my friends' children.

I am in the same position, working full time long hours, very demanding job, father absent, kids are 8 and 11 and I have no family around. Literally if i am ever so sick not to be able to get up from bee my youngest would not be able to go to school. Luckily eldest is in secondary so she goes on her own. This means I have now a bit more time as she is more independent so I have started to exercise again. I am also paying a nanny to go out more. It’s super expensive but I am doing well career wise and I have decided to really give myself this time off as I am so exhausted and I was getting a bit depressed to be just work and kid.
unfortunately for now I am only going out for work event as I am really struggling to make friends. I have no friends from childhood, school or uni as they all live hours away.
all parents in my kid school go out as couples so I never get invited. I try to invite ppl but they say I will come if my husband is away and it never happens. They find it awkward to do anything with a single parent. There is only one divorced mum in the whole school and she does not seem interested to do anything.
everybody drops their kids at play dates and never stops even for a coffee.
i have no idea who the parents at my eldest secondary school are.. and I can’t get involved with PTA as I work full time and they are just stay at home mums in both of them.
for This year I will focus on exercising and going out with work and I think next year I will try to find a way to make some girl friends, I just need to think how. It is weird I was very popular at school and uni, everybody knew who I was and it was super easy for me o make friends. I just think I focused on the kids and just somehow lost it..
I also don’t date as I am still recovering from my husband cheating and leaving, I guess, which is also weird as before meeting him I had quite a good number of boyfriends and again was very much admired so I could pick and choose. I don’t think I became ugly although obviously older but I realise men just don’t look at me or approach me as they used to.

My children are 7 and 7 months so I'm not responding from that point of view but from the pov of a daughter.
My mum died when she was 54, she never got to see me become a mother and I often think about her in regards to parenting.
She was a lovely woman, kind and funny BUT tired. She was always looking after us, or her mum, working full time. The only thing she did for herself was read. I guess I just wanted to tell you, I wish I'd asked her to do something for her, regularly. You only get one life and you never know when it will end, you also deserve something for you! Seeing your parents have something for them can be inspiring. The two things my parents liked the most became the things I love. I love to read and I am a chef ( my father was passionate about cooking).
You sound like you are doing a wonderful job, find something for you to enjoy as well 🥰.

@Ljbg my ex-Mil (whom I still see regularly and love) was rather old fashioned and believes that if you are a mum and work, that's all you should do. She tried to get me to give up my hobbies and sell my motorbike and books. She kept on about it so in the end I snapped and said I'd rather sell my husband.

That shut her up. And thinking about it, it would have been a good idea actually, the books and bike were far more rewarding.

I think your last point is a good one. I completely understand being a single parent and having young kids is intensive and makes it hard to make time for yourself.

However in general, children learn so much from their parents and how we model our life them. This idea that to be a devoted and good mum means completely giving everything to your children and giving up your own identity, hobbies and friends isn't beneficial for either children or parents.

It creates enormous pressure for children growing up like this. Because they see that because their parents have nothing else in their life, that they alone are responsible for their parents happiness and fulfillment. There's been research that has shown that it can lead to children feeling anxious and low self esteem as they have to manage their parents emotions rather than their own personal growth. You see it all the time on here, parents saying they feel hurt, bereft and lonely because their children want to spend time with their friends, usually accompanied by a monologue about how much they have " given up" for their children.

It also doesn't set a good model to children. It basically tells them that loving someone involves complete self neglect. That adulthood means a loss of joy, identity and self care. That friendships don't matter and that life is just constant self sacrificing. People want their children to achieve their dreams and goals but what sort of role model is it if we tell them this yet their own mothers have completely lost all identity.

And thirdly i think it can make some children feel they are centre of the world and their feelings and needs are more important than anyone else. Because they see this modeled in day to day life.

Having a parent who has interests, friends and aspirations outside parenting can only be a good thing. What else do we teach our children if we don't have these things ourselves?

My child is 15. I've been a single parent since he was 3. I've not had extended family support and my child has some SEN.

I don't think I could have done anything differently really. I went through a terrible marriage /divorce which I don't want to go into, but rebuilding my life aged 40 with a new career and preschooler took a lot. I did date a bit when he was maybe 8 or 9. I met someone I fell for but the pandemic hit and it all fell apart.

I've ended up with a chronic illness in recent years. Probably chronic stress contributed to it.

So I can't say I am looking back with regrets as such. With hindsight, I could have perhaps worked fewer hours and spent more time on myself but that probably isn't that realistic. I was just in the trenches and did what I had to do to get through it.

I think now my child is getting older, I am thinking about what life in future looks like. I am hoping I might be able to reduce my hours in a few years or before if I can't cope. I do have good friendships though some have changed along the way.

I think sometimes it's small things. I've had to adjust to different expectations. I can't do travel and weekends away. I'm unlikely to manage a relationship for a good while and then...well dating aged 60+...not sure about that.... never say never.

I do hope I may have a dog again perhaps. Spend time reading, seeing some art when I can, bit of gardening and cooking. Simple pleasures.

I think happiness lies in trying to live in the moment. I saw some trite thing on FB the other day... something about letting go of the past, living in the moment but with hope for the future...that's probably about right.

I think you sound like you're doing well. Doing some things for yourself sounds great but as long as it is not additional pressure or frustration if it's an extra commitment.

Maybe book the odd afternoon off and go to the cinema or for a walk and enjoy some quiet? I am going to book the odd day this year whiley child is still at school!

This is a bit long and rambling but I suppose I'm saying that building something for you does not have to be a big thing. Sometimes it is carving out space away from the noise of day to day and having that time to do whatever you want. Your children will be happy that their Mum is happy.

Life moves on anyway and we figure it out as it goes. Recognising that some time for yourself and finding some joy for yourself is important is good

I just want to say good on you! You’re a superstar for getting this far on your own and now is a perfect time to do things for yourself now they can be a bit more independent. You are so right that it will be good for you but also set a great model for your children of what a rewarding, full life can look like.

This is going to sound really shallow but I wish I'd stayed on-trend with clothes and makeup. I was never vain when I was young but I had a really interesting style and was often (accidentally) ahead of trends.

Somewhere along the line I lost all those instincts and pretty much live in the kinds of clothes I used to save for cleaning the bathroom or painting a wall!

It knocked my confidence in a lot of ways and trickled down to other areas of my life.

Mine are 13 & 18.
Perhaps I should have had counselling or taken a meditation-type class to give me time in my head to think about what I needed when they were young.

My husband's attitude was that we devote everything to our children, but he was at work & not focusing on 100% house & childcare.
I was lonely.
I would have benefitted from talking with someone unbiased about how I could feel better and not feel guilty about needing an afternoon off.

I've had counselling recently and realised that I like a balance of everything.
That's not always possible, esp when they're young.
It can be easy to stop & think for 5 mins: What do I want - now.

I think its harder to act on it and to act on it without feeling like a bad mum, but having seen women be empty after their children leave home, I'd say it's a necessity.

@Batcats really wise post

Great post. I am going through something similar. I have 3 children; two teens and 4. The 4 yr old has additional needs and this time round being Mum has been tough! I can't go back to work yet as my youngest has difficulties in childcare, he should have started school 2 weeks ago but mainstream allocated place not suitable. I am literally glued to my 4 yr old 24/7. He does not sleep well, completely attached to me.
I've worn jeans and a tshirt for years as I run around with the boys (all 3 are boys), I join in football (I can do a rainbow flick now!) and go down the slide at the park!
But I recently realised, nothing in my life reflects who I am. Currently, half my wardrobe is on Vinted, I'm considering colouring my hair again and getting a pixie cut and I've ordered new clothing which might represent me more. I still will wear jeans and a top at times, esp when I'm solo parenting. I've also booked my 2nd tattoo I've been putting off for a long while.
I've recently had an ND diagnosis, friendships are difficult for me, but when I can I'm trying to get back to me, my interests and finding out what makes me tick again. Sounds corny!

I’ve been a mum for 16 years and had my first when I was 20. So I have spent my whole adult life as a mum.

I think for me, I have very little regrets. I do wish I pushed harder with some of the things I wanted to do for myself, but I also appreciate that to give more to myself I would be giving less to my family, and I am very happy with the weekends I choose my children over other things. But - I did (and still do) have a decent social life, and I learned to mix my social life with my children.

I have ambitious mum friends, which means that we don’t only just hang out for kids sake, but we also support eachother to do more of our dreams and hobbies.

I had my second a decade later and started doing more of the things I wish I did more. This looks like - celebrating birthdays and actually inviting people, asking people to join me when I make plans, if I’m taking the kids to a museum or park anyway, I’ll message a few people and see if they are free - it’s meant that I’m able to keep those friendships. I realised that I wished I had people that had experienced life with me, I didn’t let a lot of people in, and I’m starting to now. This just looks like asking for help, but also being there when friends are in need as it’s so easy to appear or play superwoman as a single mum. I make one hobby public, a side hustle, it’s allowed me to build a community and make friends that are from all walks of life - I love that.

I think that we give a lot to our children, and when we get to the point where we want more it’s important to listen to yourself and start by doing one thing for you. And making sure you schedule out time to keep that one thing going.

Oh this resonates so much! Firstly it sounds as though you are doing a fantastic job with your children and there's so much great advice that I can echo. I'm way ahead in the parenting journey with 24yr old and 18yr just dropped at uni. From the time they started secondary school I gradually got them to help around a home a bit more. Nothing drastic but pocket money was for making bed, putting clothes in the laundry basket and clearing plates to dishwasher. It made such a difference and freed up a bit more time. I implore you to nuture or find some female friends before embarking on the dating scene, you really need someone to laugh and support you with this.
My favourite tip is an non negotiable trip with a close group of friends once a year. It was in the diary a year in advance so friends/parents/partners rallied round to cover a long weekend of childcare. It was a life saver.