Mums who gave everything to their children — what did you wish you’d done for yourself?

I am a very committed parent and have made a couple of big sacrifices on DC behalf but I always have a project on the go. I have one big, long-term, ‘life achievement’ type project (which I do in odd bits of time) and lots of getting out there and doing things/visiting places, sometimes with friends but often with my DC in tow. In a funny way, seeing other people on social media actually really helped me to get out there and make the most of my time!

I left a job in 2023 partly for parenting reasons and unfortunately then found it impossible to get back into the workplace in my late forties, despite being highly qualified and experienced. I job hunted and applied for two years (which was mentally torturous) and obviously the longer you are out of work, the harder it gets to be shortlisted. It doesn’t matter now, as I have stopped looking and gone towards self employment. My one regret is probably that I didn’t see the writing on the wall earlier and either pivot towards self employment sooner or consider bending the truth on my CV to get particular roles. I have been honest all my life but it does make me question whether that was always the best strategy…

My two are a couple of years older than you and there are lots of similarities. In the past few years, as they have become independent and making arrangements for themselves, I have started to do the same. Coffee with friends, theatre shows, dinner and drinks. To be honest I am happiest with my children but like you recognise that I need a life of my own. What helps is that many of my friends (new and old) are in similar positions. I still prioritise my children but try to carve out social time for me without them.

@AmyJahabee for me it was just a stage in life and I’m glad that I devoted it to my DC
As they got older - I got a lot of it back, probably when they were teens - I remember going on holiday to Venice when they were 15 and 16 and DD and I spent as much time planning our fashion choices as a couple of weeks ago when we went away together with DGD
I do have a long term male companion, but we don’t live together and I will probably never do so, but am unsure whether that would have been any different if I’d not devoted so many years to my DC
Perhaps I’m just too fond of my own company, not willing to compromise etc and would be like that anyway - I’m always worried about the financial implications too
At 60+ I’ve had 3 long term relationships that failed and cost me dearly in terms of property and buying them out etc, and value my financial security and independence too much

@orangegato I started researching my family tree and joined a local history group, went to a book club, wanted to lose weight so went to slimming world, did a counselling qualification - made new friends from all of those
My other hobbies are jigsaws, Lego, knitting and crochet
I also spend most of my spare time in charity shops, antique fairs and markets, car boots and jumble/table top sales looking for a bargain

OP is this an AI post, I have some suggestions but cba to tell a robot. If you’re real I will tell you though 😂

Learned about myself, my boundaries and what things I liked to do, loved myself as well as my children. Dated - another life experience altogether. Learned how to be at peace with myself.

Which hobbies please, are there any you recommend?

I’ve got 6 children and would say I would have just more focussed on doing the basics such as routine, good food, good organisation etc really well and consistency rather than putting in 100% all the time and dropping some of the basic balls. If you’ve got spare energy and money after them then you can put a bit more in. For example there’s no point taking your child to a club half an hour from home after school when everyone’s really tired and snappy and you’re getting in debt for it too, save yourself the stress and energy, however some things are really important to them like getting dinner on time, having an outfit for world book day, you being calm and relaxed, having they £3 for an ice cream on a day trip out. That’s not to say extra curricular activities are not important but my younger children do ones which are local, cheaper and are generally convenient for all of us. Same with holidays/days out, we don’t do many, often it’s just a trip to the park or our local NT places, but we often have a lovely day with our picnic regardless. I love my job but what with everything I don’t do as good a job as a mum only work days and the routine isn’t as good for them, so I compromise and work just part time but I’ve also learnt not to drain every last ounce of myself to try and provide them with everything they could want and try and make it so I enjoy their childhood too

I would have met someone instead of putting children first, i wouldnt have lived with him but i would have had a serious relationship, there is so much pressure on women to be everything, children leave, find a life for you

I had to work full time at that point (and wasn't particularly happy about it if um being honest) but boy am I glad I did. I have a good job with a good salary and benefits which works have been very difficult if I had stopped work or had a career break.
I would urge all Mums to stay working. It gives you options.

However, I really, really wish I had invested in myself more by exercising.

Same boat, but worse probably as I've been self employed the whole time too and probably backed myself into an absolute corner career wise and no pension to speak of either.

I regret giving up exercise but its just been impossible to fit in. I try for a few weeks but then the house ends up a mess as im spending the time exercising instead of cleaning.

Dated,
wish I hadn’t spent so many years alone and miserable!

Mmmm I am in the same position as you, almost exactly. 2 girls, similar ages etc. I've been alone since the smallest was born and they don't see their father at all or rather he doesn't see them (or support them.)
So I'm interested in the answers you get too.

I do travel a bit, now they're a bit bigger. With and without them. Can't afford it but I prioritise that over a bigger car or house.

I think i do prioritise friendships too but of course it's a challenge with childcare.

I don't date and have never, not once since my marriage ended but.... but I guess I must not really want to?

I just wondered if some of what your describe is also age and circumstances - like before I had children I used to plan out my outfits. Can't imagine that now!

Like all parents I am forever doing housework and yes it's wearing. Especially so when also making every penny that comes until the house and doing every single car journey, making every single decision. BUT I think deep down, or on some level, I do it or did it for me.

My kids wouldn't care if the house was a mess or they didn't get opportunities! I definitely would.

I'm curious, is there anything you would do differently yourself even so far, looking back on the last ten years?

The netball and swimming sound great. And you probably couldn't have managed that really before now, logistically.

I picked up a hobby and started seeing friends more (but I'd stayed in touch, just didn't meet up while kids were younger).

But when I look at my actual life outside work and the children, there isn’t much there. I don’t really have close friends nearby. I don’t have much of a social life.

Did you have close by friends and a social life before children? I would try and reconnect if possible (and still attractive to you!) to start out with. But if you didn't, you need to ask yourself what appeals to you, because it is harder work when you're older and have children - even if they're of an age you can now leave them for a while - so you need to enjoy what you try and do. Obviously things often need a bit of effort and to push through the awkward beginnings, and if you're trying something new, it's new! But there's no point pushing through all that if you never liked going for drinks with work colleagues or whatever you end up trying.

I think you are right to balance them and their well being with you and yours.

Small dependent people have to come first, but not to the point of erasing all your own needs and likes. It's a balancing act and if the scales are completely uneven to the extreme, something has gone wrong.

Seeing you take care of your own needs and wants where appropriate actually shows them that that's what people should do, too, so it helps them value themselves in the long term.

Mind you, all those men who walk away from their children 'because it's not what they expected and they're overwhelmed' are contemptible. That's utterly wrong in the other extreme. As said, it's a balancing act.

ExDH left when DC were 4 and 5
I prioritised them completely until they were 11 and 12 when I went back to work FT
Ive never had a problem with female friends and managing a bit of a social life, had some hobbies, gained new qualifications etc
I do wonder if I could have tried harder to find a new long term partner
They are both now in their 30s, I’m 62 and fairly content, I will never be rich but I can afford to travel and treat myself
Been successful in my career and am well known and respected in my field
The close bond between us all, their spouses and now my DGD is worth anything I ever sacrificed when they were younger

I think it’s pretty normal when your dc are young and I think it’s pretty much what parenting requires. It’s much much harder when you are a single parent.
I think as they grow so can your ‘me time’ which sounds like exactly what you are doing. I think the problems are when parents don’t gradually reclaim their ‘me time’ as the dc grow and then one day they look around. Dc have left home and they have nothing in their lives.

it sounds like you are doing brilliantly

Invest in friendships. Spend time with people now so that you've got proper, deep friendships when your children fly the nest.

Mine are grown up now. I probably gave most of myself for about 15 to 20 years and don't regret it at all. When you're young it sounds like a long time but looking back it's only a part of your life. My only regret is going back to work when they were babies, even though it was part time, in hindsight I could have stayed at home for a few years.

Oh and if your kids are now 10 when mine was that age I should have tried to do things I might like without them sonet8mes. Mine was always with me unless I was at work.

I should have loved myself better.

I was a lone parent as a teenager my DC is now in their 30s. I got us through everything and did the best I could always.

im in my 50s now I had a massive breakdown a few years ago and struggle daily with mental health based illnesses. Plus I have a disability. I’m LC or NC with all of my family apart from my DC.

So the toll of it all has been very heavy on me. I got to my 50s and apart from being a parent, a partner, a rescue fur baby parent I didn’t know who I was at all. I’m slowly trying new hobbies to see what I actually like as I never found out as a child or a teen.

so OP also love yourself, I hope you already are but I had to have a breakdown and therapy to realise this.