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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What is her problem?!

152 replies

Bupsy17 · 18/09/2026 18:15

I (F) have a male colleague who I’ve worked with for over 10 years, we’re close friends at this point. His wife HATES me, she’s so insecure she feels the need to talk about me to other colleagues about me being nosey and in everyone’s business. I’ve actually only met her a handful of times in person and she’s always so fake to my face. It’s at the point where we no longer work together and she still brings me up in conversations with others. I find it so strange that someone can be that insecure about their marriage that any woman close to him becomes a threat. Just leave him if it’s that bad?! Interestingly she’s looking at the wrong woman, he’s been having an affair with another colleague for quite a while now. She even stopped me getting a promotion at one point by slating me to our employer and tarnishing my reputation. I feel no empathy for her when it comes to her being cheated on, women need to stop blaming other women for their husbands behaviours.

AIBU to be encouraging his affairs at this point? I almost feel like it’s revenge for how she’s behaved towards me, as childish as that is.

I’ll add I’ve only ever been nice to her like I am with all my colleagues partners. I ask questions about their lives and their kids etc because I’m interested in getting to know people at a deeper level. Sue me if I hate small talk about the bloody weather!!

OP posts:
Bupsy17 · 18/09/2026 19:17

So you all think it’s acceptable for her to make snide remarks about me because she’s uncomfortable with our friendship? Why is her insecurity automatically something I’m expected to accommodate, while the way she behaves towards me gets excused? I’ve never behaved inappropriately with him, so I don’t see why I should accept being treated badly simply because I’m a woman and he’s married.

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Releasemeplease · 18/09/2026 19:01

Bupsy17 · 18/09/2026 18:32

Well I’ve known him for over 10 years and the affair only started just over a year ago, I have no loyalties to his wife after the way she has behaved toward me. Why would I tell her?! If anything that would make her question my relationship with him even further and look like I’m jealous and trying to split them up!

Given he is having an affair no wonder the poor woman is insecure. If she knows he is up to no good but doesn't know the actual identity OW then she probably does think it's you. And you don't come out of this at all well given that you are condoning a cheat and a liars behaviour and actually considering encouraging it.
What a mess.

Justthetruth21 · 18/09/2026 19:00

Good God, the way you worded that.... You all sound toxic.

Ipsevenenabibas · 18/09/2026 18:59

She even stopped me getting a promotion at one point by slating me to our employer and tarnishing my reputation

So your employer ignored the fact that you are an excellent employee suitable for the promotion and believed this woman's words instead?

Aye.

Bupsy17 · 18/09/2026 18:55

@havingdoubtsnowInteresting…Because I’m not disclosing his affair to her or because I’m frustrated with women banning friendships between colleagues because of their insecurities?

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Stompythedinosaur · 18/09/2026 18:54

Bupsy17 · 18/09/2026 18:32

Well I’ve known him for over 10 years and the affair only started just over a year ago, I have no loyalties to his wife after the way she has behaved toward me. Why would I tell her?! If anything that would make her question my relationship with him even further and look like I’m jealous and trying to split them up!

Because most people choose to behave decently because it's the right thing to do, not because of who they're friends with or what's in it for them.

I think the issue is with you, your standards aren't where they should be.

Bupsy17 · 18/09/2026 18:53

@ExtraOnionswhy is that? Seems to me that people who feel the need to keep those boundaries are because they can’t trust themselves not to catch feelings in those friendships. I’m in a happy relationship and have no problem with my partner messaging married women he’s friends with. If everything is out in the open why should it matter?

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havingdoubtsnow · 18/09/2026 18:52

You sound awful and just from this thread I have the vibe not to trust you

TheSunIsAlwaysThere · 18/09/2026 18:52

What a spiteful person you are.

Grumpyoldcat · 18/09/2026 18:50

How is she able to do all you accuse her of if she doesnt work for this company. You sound somewhat paranoid.

Toiletbrushanswer · 18/09/2026 18:48

You all sound toxic honestly. Something in the way you have worded your posts makes you sound just as bad as them. Can't put my finger on it but thats the vibe.

Walk away from both of them if you are serious about not wanting the drama.

ExtraOnions · 18/09/2026 18:47

Bupsy17 · 18/09/2026 18:43

@ExtraOnionsits a creative industry, lots of networking events and she became pally with a female boss of mine

That still doesn’t explain why she would have any influence as to whether you got a job or not .. if your organisation is making decisions based on tittle tattle, that’s ok them, not her.

I have male friends in the office, but that’s where it stays 9-5 Monday to Friday, no evening or weekend texting, no boundaries over-stepped.

Bupsy17 · 18/09/2026 18:43

@ExtraOnionsits a creative industry, lots of networking events and she became pally with a female boss of mine

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Bupsy17 · 18/09/2026 18:41

Why is it always a topic on Mumsnet that women apparently can’t be friends with married men? You can isolate yourselves as much as you want, but if a man is married and his wife can’t trust him, that’s an issue within their relationship. I’m not going to stop being friends with someone because of their marital status.

We worked closely together and built up a friendship over many years. Why would I suddenly change how I behave or stop being myself because someone else might feel insecure about that friendship? The idea that a man getting married should automatically mean his female friendships have to change or disappear is absolutely bonkers to me.

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beaglescurleduplikebagels · 18/09/2026 18:41

You all sound as bad as each other.

ExtraOnions · 18/09/2026 18:39

Why does someone’s spouse have such an influence at your workplace? Does she work there?

Bupsy17 · 18/09/2026 18:37

@IronEverythingAnd how have you come to that conclusion?

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Beeloux · 18/09/2026 18:37

I have managed my 29 years of life not being friends with a married man.

I did have male friends during university and they all tried it on with me at one point or another.

It would be courteous to invite her out too when you meet up with him. Of course she thinks you’re shagging him. It sounds like you’re getting an ego boost from that.

It begs to differ why you would want to be friends with a man that you know is actively cheating on his wife? I have ditched female friends for doing similar to their partners.

IronEverything · 18/09/2026 18:37

It sounds like you're the one who is obsessed with her.

Credittocress · 18/09/2026 18:33

Bupsy17 · 18/09/2026 18:24

I have taken a massive step back and like I said I’ve changed jobs so to hear she is STILL discussing me to others is really winding me up and I don’t know where to go from here

Don’t go anywhere. Leave her alone and leave him alone. You don’t need to be close friends with a man that is treating his wife like shit

Bupsy17 · 18/09/2026 18:32

Well I’ve known him for over 10 years and the affair only started just over a year ago, I have no loyalties to his wife after the way she has behaved toward me. Why would I tell her?! If anything that would make her question my relationship with him even further and look like I’m jealous and trying to split them up!

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Stompythedinosaur · 18/09/2026 18:28

I am not shocked that the wife of the close friend you're covering up an affair for doesn't like you.

I think this is an issue with your integrity. You choose to continue to be close friends with a man who treats his wife terribly. She's allowed to judge you negatively for that choice.

Bupsy17 · 18/09/2026 18:24

I have taken a massive step back and like I said I’ve changed jobs so to hear she is STILL discussing me to others is really winding me up and I don’t know where to go from here

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Bupsy17 · 18/09/2026 18:23

Potentially over the years I probably have been more standoffish but nonetheless I’ve still always enquired about her and her life, work etc. She’s also one of these people that doesn’t ask questions in conversations so unless I’m asking something the conversation dies very quickly. I’m just fed up of being spoken about negatively when I barely know the woman!

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Fidgety31 · 18/09/2026 18:22

It sounds like she knows her husband is up to something - but hasn’t figured out who yet.. so might be pointing fingers at the wrong people - i.e you .

However- if he is really a genuine friend of yours then I would take a step back from all his mess, rather than add to the drama . He is a married man and his marriage is his issue to sort out.

it’s not your place to get involved.